To lie about Santa to a child!

[santaself123]

NC for this as I know his family are on mn
It’s a bit of a long one, sorry!

I’m 16 weeks pregnant so I’m aware I could just be over emotional, and it’s not really that relevant right now but here goes anyway.

Last night I was looking for inspo for Christmas presents, I came across a kids “Santa’s treat” board for leaving treats on Christmas Eve. I made a joke to DP that he’ll have to be Rudolph as I’m not a fan of carrots so wouldn’t be biting a carrot to leave teeth marks!

DP said something along the line of “ or we could just not lie to our kid”

I thought he was joking but it turns out, after a short conversation, that he doesn’t want us to tell our child Santa is real! He says we shouldn’t lie to our child about Santa! He said we wouldn’t tell them God is real so why would be tell them Santa is!

Now here is where I might be wrong but Santa is the most magical thing in my eyes! It’s one of the things I’ve always looked forward to about having my own child! Making our own lovely Christmas traditions and just watching the excitement and anticipation of Christmas through a child’s eyes!

But I feel like he’s ruined it now! I don’t see the point in getting excited about Christmas now or ever if he’s just going to tell our child Santa’s not real as soon as the child can understand the concept!

I know I might be being petty to be upset as I suppose to most people it might not be a big deal but I just feel very deflated and quite disappointed!

So AIBU to be upset with him about it!

YABU- Santa’s not real and it’s not a big deal
YANBU- Santa’s magical and every child should have the chance to believe in him!

I'm sorry that was done to you, OP As I said in my post, I do think the 'lying' rhetoric is a bit much, usually, and I'm sure you wouldn't use Santa to manipulate - I'm talking more on a general level. I also think it takes a very particular aspect of Christmas and makes it into a bit of a be-all and end-all. I actually think children access more of what Christmas is supposed to be about if they understand it's a make-believe game (and of course make-believe games can be very, very real to a child at the same time as them knowing it's make-believe). Because we can explain that we have Santa as an embodiment of the 'spirit' of Christmas, where we try to spread joy and give full-heartedly to others.

I'm wondering if your dp isn't actually that happy about his older child being signed up to the Santa cult (I mean that light-heartedly!) and would like to do things differently in your family - which I think is quite a positive sign, actually?

And ps. No presents here. Not religious. Just a day off the rat race.

@ifiwasascent @MinnieMountain I do believe it's a bit of lovely fun, that's harmless and wouldn't be the same without Santa!

Yanbu, Santa is Christmas! Tell him you want the magic for your child!

Father Christmas brings the cheap and cheerful contents of a stocking in this house, my sons are teenagers and still put out their stocking on Christmas eve for it to be filled. They get bookmarks, novelty socks, chocolate coins.

The rest of the presents are from us or friends and family and they are under the tree and the children know the difference. FC is a concept, stockings are filled by parents but the magic is kept alive by adults who probably experienced that themselves.

As a parent of teens, the world is a cruel and unfair place, a bit of magic when they are little for them to look back on fondly creates a magical Christmas to this day.

How far will your Dh take the not lying bit? How honest will he be with your child and not his own? Why is his treating them differently? So his 6 year old gets the magic of Christmas and your child doesn't?

@seayork2020 no it's not a competition and never has been I love DPs DD and she's very excited to have a sibling (even though he's not keen on the idea of possibly having a brother) that not what it's about at all! My issue is why he would allow one child the "magic" and not the other! I've never compared children! As a child with multiple half siblings on my fathers side I know what it's like to be fought off against each other to win daddy's love and I would never do that to a child! I do realise that mixed families do things differently but as their father he should treat them the same! I don't see why he should treat my child any different to SD (other than the obvious that he lives with us)!

@Jennyz123 aww I'm sorry that happened to you! But I'm glad you've found the spirit along the way! I do understand that people can take it to the extreme but I just want to show them the simple bits of magic, the bells, the movies, the lights etc

I'm in the "dont lie to kids" camp. I like this idea theenthusiasticlife.com/2018/12/06/how-to-enjoy-the-santa-story-without-lying-to-your-child/

I also dont think you should tell your kid god isn't real, I don't believe in god but you dont actually know it's not real. You should offer ideas and allow your child to decide what to believe

Once the kids are old enough to figure it out or question it, we maintain Santa is real.

“We” are Santa, everyone, we all play along and keep the fun going year after year, so in effective people are Santa.

This will be my eldest first year of playing Santa for her little sister and she can’t wait to get and wrap presents for her!

We love Xmas here and whilst I know Santa is not real, I do think it’s magical.

FGS, all this talk of how it’s “lying to children” and “manipulation, people seriously need to get a grip.

It’s a bit of harmless fun. Added to which, if you’re telling your children that Santa isn’t real but they absolutely must maintain the magic for others and not tell them isn’t that still manipulation/threats?

Honestly, there is nothing noble about telling your children Santa isn’t real...

I would tell your DH then that you’re planning to sit his DD down next time she visits and telling her that her dad doesn’t want to lie to her any more because Santa doesn’t exist. Obviously I wouldn’t follow through with it, but it might make him think...

@CatteStreet thank you that's very kind, as I said to PP I do get that some parents take it to the extreme but I just want to give them the simple bits of magic and if by 4 they decide it's not for them then okay, we'll change the way we do things I just don't see why we can't at least try for the first few Christmas's, however DP was adamant he doesn't want to lie to DC I personally don't see it as lying but everyone has an opinion.

I'm not sure if he like the idea of his DD "being in the Santa cult" or not but he's gone along with it for 6 years and even told her wha Santa would maybe be bringing her this year (with enthusiasm I might add) so I'm just not sure of his change of tune!

YANBU. Children should have that bit of joy and magic, there's nothing else like it in this world.

But presumably his two children are going to talk about Christmas at some point 🤔 or even share Christmas Day together. So him having one kid believe in santa and the other one not, isn't going to work anyway!

Santa was big in my life as a child. If DH told DC Santa wasn't real, he'd be out the door. Kids believe all sorts of weird stuff - that they can fly, fairies, time travel, aliens. Then they grow up and they don't believe it anymore. No need to hammer the truth in before they're emotionally ready for it (well, except that they absolutely, definitely can't fly unless you want to be sitting in A&E with broken limbs). I'd tell your DH to leave Santa alone and focus on the 'can't fly' truth.

God and Santa aren’t even remotely the same thing are they? One is some dude that brings presents once a year with the help of his elves and reindeer (I’m not one for the naughty or nice thing, he just brings presents. Maybe makes them). The other is some all seeing, all knowing, ever present deity who we are supposed to believe has a higher plan for all of us? I’m not quite sure that’s the same. Is he also going to refuse to read fairy stories or fiction books? Must you only read the encyclopaedia and scientific journals?

I think what would piss me off most though is that his other child hasn’t been told Santa isn’t real, yet he expects to somehow tell your child he isn’t but presumably also keep that from his older child?! Seems like he’s slightly making it up as he goes along.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom I totally agree with you on the fact that kids grow up with so many other things to worry about that the magic of Christmas is still that! Even as I grew up and into my 20s i still refer to Santa as the magical being he was when I was 5!

I have wondered how far he'll take the no lying aspect, would he inform our DC about our finances if we were in difficulty? Would he tell our child about any relationship problems we might have? I'm not sure why he's already treating them differently when he loves to compare me and his ex and our different pregnancies! I'd like both siblings to enjoy the Christmas spirit together!

My mum used to always say that Santa was "real in the world of make believe", which was a nice gentle transition since we played loads of pretend/make believe games. It meant it sort of felt like this wonderful game that the whole world was in on, but still felt magical. I think I will do the same for my kids in the future.

@AlternativePerspective

FGS, all this talk of how it’s “lying to children” and “manipulation, people seriously need to get a grip.

It’s a bit of harmless fun. Added to which, if you’re telling your children that Santa isn’t real but they absolutely must maintain the magic for others and not tell them isn’t that still manipulation/threats?

Honestly, there is nothing noble about telling your children Santa isn’t real...

I would tell your DH then that you’re planning to sit his DD down next time she visits and telling her that her dad doesn’t want to lie to her any more because Santa doesn’t exist. Obviously I wouldn’t follow through with it, but it might make him think...

This. I'm not manipulating my child because he believes in Santa, what a stupid way to put it. Santa is part of the magic of Christmas, the majority of kids I know all believe in Santa. When he finds out I think he'll be just fine like I was.

OP if you want Santa you tell your OH. Don't let him spoil it, it's harmless fun for your child

I kind if get where your DP is coming from. I had one parent lie to me most of my life and therefore I never want to lie to my child. I want my child to know they can trust me and will therefore be able to tell me things. Whilst it’s not a terrible lie, it’s still saying lies are okay

That being said I do feel bad about “taking the magic away”. I think I’m just going to have Santa as a figurehead for Xmas and when we go see him it’s so he can tell Mummy what you want for Xmas and check if you’ve been good so I can get it etc or something like that anyway

I also saw something doing the rounds online last year about telling your children the expensive gifts are from mum and dad and the cheap gifts are from Santa, so children from poorer families don’t feel that they’ve done anything wrong.

@Redcups64 I like that idea if we are Santa! If a friend or family member asks what they are getting I always say "wait and see what Santa brings" these are fully grown adults but they smile and laugh and just get excited! Unless that's just my friends and my family! Maybe in the eyes of some we all need to grow up!

@AlternativePerspective I agree that you don't win any medals for telling children Santa isn't real! I do think the manipulation thing is going too far, if my child did grow up not believing (which would be fine if it was their choice) I would still make sure that they "kept the lie" for other kids so to not ruin their fun! So Id me manipulating my child into manipulating other children?

The thought had crossed my mind about telling him that we should sit his DD down and telling her because wouldn't she try to make DC believe in Santa like her? I might mention it when I next have the Santa chat with him

YANBU and I find it bizarre that hes happy for 1 child to believe but not the other.

Tbh I think its cruel to rob a child of the magic and excitement "santa" brings. And I really dont think your son will thank you for it when hes an adult.

As for the never lying to your kids brigade, get a bloody grip.

I've been honest to my kids about Christmas, but we talk about how there was a real man once and just treat it like a wonderful fairy tale, I'll get excited about Santa coming (with a wink sometimes). Now DD1 is 6 she's setting up the magic for DD2. TBH I don't think I've ruined it, but I know she would freak at anyone coming into her room even if it's Santa, and the in laws have strange stocking traditions that would be hard to explain and we donate to the food bank and it's useful to know that some kids have less not because they've been naughty. I don't know how

I don't know how you agree it with your partner, that's a tough one.

How many well-parented people arrive at adulthood traumatised because their mum and dad told them there was a magic man bringing their toys?

@sar302 the thought did cross my mind

@MessAllOver that thought crossed my mind! I love him but I think he's being a bit of a prat tbh! I'll tell him my job will be Santa! His job will be the no flying thing!

@NoParticularPattern I absolutely agree with you on that, I was astounded at the comparison of the 2 things! I have no idea where that came from in the depths of his mind but I didn't even know how to respond! His DD has had 6 years or magic but mine will leave the womb knowing only truth apparently!

@mayihavesomecakeplease that's a lovely idea it still goes along with the fairytale aspect which is still a lovely idea and a place where traditions and memories can be made I'd be fine with that!

@Ireallywantsomechips again I see where you're nothing coming from about trust but you also understand about the magic!
As I said previously my mum used to buy the presents and then would send them to be wrapped my Santa and the elves to be delivered back to us on Christmas Eve! This eliminated the notion of expensive gifts as we knew mum had to pay for them but it still brought some of the magic of reindeer on the roof etc and I never felt bad about gifts of people got more as I understood that they maybe had 2 parents etc