To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

[quote Feedingthebirds1]@Beeaaautiful

Honestly? You're an addict.

And like any other addict you will always be able to justify to yourself what you're doing, why you need to do it, why there's no other way to do it.

And like any other addict you will only change when you want to change.

It's clear you're not ready to take that step, so the best you can take from this thread is that when you are ready, there will be lots of good advice on here to help you.[/quote]
@Feedingthebirds1

Addicted to what?

Addicted to spending money OP.

@Halliehallie9828

It’s shit as well that you are blaming your mum and the way you were brought up as the reason you can’t stop spending your money on crap you don’t need.... because you had to wait a week for a magazine? Pathetic

Troubles in my childhood go a lot deeper than a waiting magazine.

But you go ahead with your assumption of me!

@corythatwas

I am wondering a bit about that childhood experience of yours and why it affected you so much. I am sure many children have similar memories of not being allowed something but this one obviously took on a deeper meaning for you. Any idea what that might have been? Was it the last of a long line of such experiences? Did they come coupled with worrying about money, did your mum make you feel money was to be worried about?

@corythatwas

I had a lot of childhood experiences that contributed to how I feel about myself.

I do think on reflection the way I live and particularly spend to make myself feel better, is some kind of compensation for how I view myself.

Or perhaps like @Halliehallie9828 says, it’s because I’m pathetic.

@RedskyAtnight

Your comment about you'd rather starve than put your child in charity shop clothes actually isn't correct - is it? Because if you didn't have enough money for new clothes and food you'd simply put the difference on a credit card. If it was genuinely one or the other I think you might change your mindset.

I haven’t spent on a credit card since my son was born.
We cut them all up!

It may not come across in my post but I’m determined to change.

Doomed? My God. You have so much privilege it’s unreal.
People in this country, in your town in poverty. There are many of us who have been to hell and back with child losses. Severe abuse. Child sexual exploitation. Domestic abuse. And we are not doomed. The idea that you can be doomed because you have some debt and can’t shop high end or go on fancy holidays is frankly insulting. Because if that makes you doomed, it means the rest of us are totally fucked.
Your feelings are valid but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t own them and deal with them. Stop blaming other people and face your addiction and try and get some help. Your worth is not defined by what you wear how you look or what you own.

That's not pathetic, OP, it is a very normal way of reacting to damage done in childhood. Feedingthebirds may actually have a point there: that this use of spending as a crutch may become addictive in the sense that you depend on it to make you feel better. And the first step to deal with it, may be to recognise this.

I'm glad you want to change. The way you view money reads like a mental health problem. Every post you are finding excuses ehy you should spend it. Clothes are clothes, you just view second hand ones dofferently because of how YOU feel, instead of how your child feels. You fwel you need to spend a lot at christmas, or do things with the family that cost money becayse of YOUR memories.

You need therapy because your problem about money is how you view it and the importance you give to your feelings when you spend it.

Also, let your huaband read this thread, it might help with the change.

I haven’t spent on a credit card since my son was born.
We cut them all up!

That's fantastic! But the thing is to work out how you will cope if you do have something unexpected to pay for. Do you have some savings set aside for emergencies? Or would you contact the credit card company and ask them to send you another card? If you don't have an emergency pot, good idea to start creating one (raiding the Christmas pot, doesn't count).

I’ve only read the first page or so, but what strikes me is that either this is a goady thread or at least tone deaf. You spent a shitload of money you didn’t have and your DH already had a bad credit record. Then you earned enough to save, and spent on a ‘wedding’ instead of paying off debt and getting married cheap. Then you saved again, still in debt up to your eyeballs and had a baby you could have waited for and couldn’t afford. And now you’ve got a home, jobs and company cars and you’re whining to a load of people you don’t know and could be struggling to eat for all you know, could have lost their jobs, homes under threat. Stop being so bloody self centred and grow up. Get to bloody work and start paying off the debts and live within your means.

But you seem to think only the expensive ones are really worth doing, it's as if you only feel confident that something is enjoyable if you can see it has a pricetag.

Does this comment from amaryllis ring true OP? I'm wondering if there are any free or money-saving activities that you enjoy?

Don't make your happiness about money. What you have described sounds pretty standard for a new Mum. Mine are 6 and 8 and we struggled the first few years. Up until last year I rarely got new clothes, everything was from charity shops and eBay. Kids stuff two. The nearly new sales were a lifeline. Up until now half their Christmas and birthday stuff was second hand. It may be harder this year as all the sales are off. Kids won't remember the stuff. Just whether you were happy or not. Choose to be happy. Pay off your debts slowly and don't make one about the other.

Haven't RTFT but some comments on second hand clothes...

• noone will know whether your son's clothes are second hand or new
• if you buy second hand you can afford to get nicer stuff for cheaper.
• if you are really averse to charity shops then go on eBay and buy bundles. Buy out of season e.g. if your son will be in 18-24 next summer then go online and buy a summer bundle in that size now and stick it in the loft. Great bargains and lots of stuff barely worn. It's cheaper as well because right now everyone will be looking at coats and boots so always buy one season ahead. This gets easier as they get older as you can predict what size they'll be in. If it gets to next summer and he's had a growth spurt then you can just stick the lot on ebay again and you'll probably make money on it because you'll be selling in the right season.

finally, I couldn't help but reply to this: I honestly would rather starve myself for a month than have to put my baby in 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop.
Please don't be a snob. I know you're probably not trying to but pp have accused you of being entitled, and I really wanted to believe that you're not, but that comment does make you sound like you are above people who buy second hand clothes. Me and DH are fairly high earners (combined income of £100k) and 95% of my daughter's wardrobe is second hand. Buying new from primark doesn't make you better than someone who buys second hand.

Just thinking... someone left two boxes of garden fruit on the street with a "help yourself" sign when I was coming home from a walk. My father had a garden with some fruit trees and I was brought up on garden fruit - food was more expensive in those days, we didn't have that much money and my Mum had to make the most of what we had. Now I can afford to buy fruit and I could have said "I would rather die than etc."

But my father has been giving bags of fruit to the neighbours, he complains he can't give enough away and I don't live near enough to take it from him. And I don't have a garden now. So I came back from that walk with a bagful. Stewed pears with honey after dinner yesterday (small pears but good flavour). And I'll be baking apple pies at the weekend. Making pies is fun, we used to bake with Mum, and when DS was little we'd do it together too. So the greengrocer can get by without me this week.

@corythatwas

I honestly would rather starve myself for a month than have to put my baby in 2nd hand clothes from a charity shop.

Why, if I may ask? Some charity shop clothes are as good as new, the alternative to reselling them is adding them to the landfill. To me, this is as much about the environment we leave behind for our children as for the money we manage to save for them.

This sort of attitude is your problem, OP. I’ve paid off my mortgage, have a public sector pension, pay into a private pension, own my car outright and, at 6 months pregnant, am buying as much baby stuff as I can second hand, either from eBay or Facebook Market place. The only new things we’ll buy are a mattress and a car seat. I’m not too good for second hand!

@MyPersona

I’ve only read the first page or so, but what strikes me is that either this is a goady thread or at least tone deaf. You spent a shitload of money you didn’t have and your DH already had a bad credit record. Then you earned enough to save, and spent on a ‘wedding’ instead of paying off debt and getting married cheap. Then you saved again, still in debt up to your eyeballs and had a baby you could have waited for and couldn’t afford. And now you’ve got a home, jobs and company cars and you’re whining to a load of people you don’t know and could be struggling to eat for all you know, could have lost their jobs, homes under threat. Stop being so bloody self centred and grow up. Get to bloody work and start paying off the debts and live within your means.

@MyPersona

I tell people jere what I want them to know and what id like advice with.

You don’t know that I haven’t struggled with any of those things you’ve mentioned. How presumptuous of you!!

Oh, and I have a job! I’m on mat leave.

@MaskingForIt

I’m not too good for second hand!

If you’ve read any of my comments then you will know that I don’t think I am either.

@Beeaaautiful you say you're not too good for second hand, but if it's ok for other people then why isn't it for you?

Also, if you really want a push to buy second hand, you know that all of the clothing that you buy brand new from primark and Asda etc is made in sweat shops often with awful labour conditions and low pay? So you say you feel better about buying new, but you are supporting that industry rather than giving money to charity to buy second hand clothes. If you think of it this way - that buying second hand is actually a form of charitable giving - then maybe you won't feel so bad about yourself when you do it. If you'd spent that £50 on second hand clothes a) it would have bought you a hell of a lot more and b) it could have gone to a needy charity.

@pinkgreenblue

you say you're not too good for second hand, but if it's ok for other people then why isn't it for you?

It honestly, honestly has nothing to do with how I see other people.
More how I see myself and how I worry others will see me.

@pinkgreenblue

Please don't be a snob. I know you're probably not trying to but pp have accused you of being entitled, and I really wanted to believe that you're not, but that comment does make you sound like you are above people who buy second hand clothes. Me and DH are fairly high earners (combined income of £100k) and 95% of my daughter's wardrobe is second hand. Buying new from primark doesn't make you better than someone who buys second hand.

I’m so sorry that my comment has come across that way.

I can promise you that’s not what it’s about.

I am far from a snob. Shopping in Primark and Asda hardly makes me one does it.
I don’t own designer or label clothes, I eat smart price Asda food.
I’m not a label lover or a snob.

The second hand thing for me is honestly just how I view myself. It’s more of a self esteem issue.

OP, you know that you want to change, I think it makes sense to treat this like some other coping mechanism that isn't good for you: as if you lit a cigarette or overate when you felt bad about yourself and needed to try to stop. What do people do if they feel the urge for a fag or unnecessary food to feel better? They try to distract themselves, don't they, to find something else to do with their hands? That's what you need to do too. Find other ways to feel good about yourself that don't depend on money.

I definitely don’t think I’m owed a fancy lifestyle. More than I feel a bit worthless without one.

Well, now that you've defined your real problem, OP, what are you going to do about it?

@corythatwas

OP, you know that you want to change, I think it makes sense to treat this like some other coping mechanism that isn't good for you: as if you lit a cigarette or overate when you felt bad about yourself and needed to try to stop. What do people do if they feel the urge for a fag or unnecessary food to feel better? They try to distract themselves, don't they, to find something else to do with their hands? That's what you need to do too. Find other ways to feel good about yourself that don't depend on money.

@corythatwas

Absolutely.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I definitely don’t think I’m owed a fancy lifestyle. More than I feel a bit worthless without one.

Well, now that you've defined your real problem, OP, what are you going to do about it?

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

Well to be honest I’ve never really linked my spending with how I feel about myself.
But the more I’ve thought about it today, the more I can see it’s a real issue.

I’d definitely need to work on my self esteem.

I’ve also spoken to Step Change this afternoon about our debts, so there’s a start.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@pinkgreenblue

you say you're not too good for second hand, but if it's ok for other people then why isn't it for you?

It honestly, honestly has nothing to do with how I see other people.
More how I see myself and how I worry others will see me.[/quote]
Exactly. When you get control over those feelings it would be so much easier for you mentally to tackle your debt. The only thing between now and being debt free is time and a realistic plan. The only thing between you and a plan is your feelings. You can do this. This thread is your first step. I know some posters sound harsh, but they are trying to help you or shock you into behaviour that will wirk for you. For some people harsh words can help. Please don't dismiss advice because it us given in a harsh tone, the message itself might still be worth thinking about.