To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

The key thing is that you've been living beyond your means.
In order to pay debt down, you have to change that to not only living within your means but living BELOW your means - you need to make every economy you can (both you and your husband) because all those little bits all add up.

Is he getting coffees from a coffee shop in the morning? Buying lunch at work? Are you having takeaways or buying a lot of wine and snacks every week? Those are all things that you don't have to never have again (because if things are too cut-back, it's too harsh and you'll probably slip back) but they need to be rare - you need to have a treat budgeted in so that you have something to look forward to.

The other thing I kept noticing was "we wanted this thing so we saved" - if you have shedloads of debt, you're not saving, that money should be going towards paying the debt. Savings currently have about zero interest, debts have interest - every bit you save beyond a dedicated emergency fund that is literally only for genuine emergencies like "the boiler has exploded" is worth half its value because youre paying out on debt interest that it could have paid down.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but your comment about buying whatever your child needed really stuck out for me.
Babies and small children don't care where their clothes or toys etc came from and because they are growing rapidly soon outgrow things. I would seriously consider looking in charity shops and social media etc for second hand toys/equipment and clothes. Really until they hit school where peer pressure becomes a thing , you can get away with buying very little new.

If you don't want to cut right back etc the only answer is to work more or get a better paying job. Not sure why that doesn't appear to be on your radar.

You are young, in good health with happy relationships. That’s wonderful.

You need to take control of your spending and stop spending money you don’t have if you want to build wealth. Step one is to start looking at non financial ways to make yourself happy. I have been on benefits and been earning six figures and money doesn’t make you happy.

It’s hard but worthwhile. Best of luck op.

@StormTreader

The key thing is that you've been living beyond your means. In order to pay debt down, you have to change that to not only living within your means but living BELOW your means - you need to make every economy you can (both you and your husband) because all those little bits all add up.

Is he getting coffees from a coffee shop in the morning? Buying lunch at work? Are you having takeaways or buying a lot of wine and snacks every week? Those are all things that you don't have to never have again (because if things are too cut-back, it's too harsh and you'll probably slip back) but they need to be rare - you need to have a treat budgeted in so that you have something to look forward to.

The other thing I kept noticing was "we wanted this thing so we saved" - if you have shedloads of debt, you're not saving, that money should be going towards paying the debt. Savings currently have about zero interest, debts have interest - every bit you save beyond a dedicated emergency fund that is literally only for genuine emergencies like "the boiler has exploded" is worth half its value because youre paying out on debt interest that it could have paid down.

@StormTreader

I have. You’re right.

No my husband always takes his own lunch to work. We buy a multipack of Asdas own bottled water 12 x bottles for £1.59

He takes them to work ton drink and we buy them every few weeks .

I agree about having treats budgeted in.
We have tried to cut them out before and end up spending on credit cards to buy takeaways (pre DS)

Bring the bottle home and fill it up from your tap. I can't remember the last time I bought bottled water. So much better for the environment. Single use plastic is wrong and if you continue to buy quantities of bottled water you are threatening the future of the planet for the next generation.

@mrsmuddlepies

Bring the bottle home and fill it up from your tap. I can't remember the last time I bought bottled water. So much better for the environment. Single use plastic is wrong and if you continue to buy quantities of bottled water you are threatening the future of the planet for the next generation.

@mrsmuddlepies

He does bring it home and we recycle.

You are very frustrating to deal with @Beeaaautiful! Buying mineral water and recycling the bottles is not the same as filling a bottle from home with tap water, either financially or ecologically! You have an answer for everything, it seems, just no solutions!

You don’t know that I haven’t struggled with any of those things you’ve mentioned. How presumptuous of you!!

You aren’t struggling with those things now, you are in the situation you’re in due to profligacy and the inability to wait and get your shit together. So have a few !!! back for good measure.

Oh, and I have a job! I’m on mat leave.

I didn’t say you didn’t have a job, I said that many people have lost theirs and whining on here when you do have jobs and company cars etc. when your problems are entirely of your own making is at best tone deaf and at worst goady.

Actually you shouldnt refill those bottles, the plastic isnt rated for that and may start leaching chemicals after a while.
Get a flask and refill that from the tap.

@Beeaaautiful - yeah just reuse. That’s going to save a fortune.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

You are very frustrating to deal with *@Beeaaautiful*! Buying mineral water and recycling the bottles is not the same as filling a bottle from home with tap water, either financially or ecologically! You have an answer for everything, it seems, just no solutions!

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

Well I’m not trying to be.

PP asked if Hubby is buying coffees at work, I was just staying he takes water and then people are jumping on me about buying plastic bottles.

I’m just saying we recycle.

12 water bottles for £1.59, which is £13.25 per bottle. Doesn't seem like much, but 13.25 × 365 is £48.36. If you both did that it would be almost £100 spent on water per year.

Buy a nice reusuable bottle and he can refill it from the tap at work for free. Will also save the faff of 100s of plastic bottles being recycled.

@MyPersona

You don’t know that I haven’t struggled with any of those things you’ve mentioned. How presumptuous of you!!

You aren’t struggling with those things now, you are in the situation you’re in due to profligacy and the inability to wait and get your shit together. So have a few !!! back for good measure.

Oh, and I have a job! I’m on mat leave.

I didn’t say you didn’t have a job, I said that many people have lost theirs and whining on here when you do have jobs and company cars etc. when your problems are entirely of your own making is at best tone deaf and at worst goady.

@MyPersona

You told me to go and get a job....

"We buy a multipack of Asdas own bottled water 12 x bottles for £1.59"

"He does bring it home and we recycle"

Why would anyone need to buy bottle water?

Honestly op you sound very entitled! At first I felt sympathy for you but the more I read the more I read the more you're coming across as 'I want now so I should have'. You haven't learned your lesson at all and until you make drastic changes you will always be in this situation.

Part of me understands where you're coming from OP. DH and I did similar to you - earned very little, got things on credit, saved for holidays and nice things while the debts mounted.
In our case, DH was like you - brought up with very little so felt he deserved nice things. I was different - brought up without money being an issue so I just didn't think about it.

I could kick myself now for being so stupid.

We have recently got ourselves out of debt by doing the following:
Calling everyone we owed money to, explaining we were struggling and asking for help. Most froze fees / interest and agreed to a repayment plan.

Moved money for bills to one account, anything 'spare' into another.

Sat and made a budget for the month ahead, including any birthdays / car MOT etc - and stuck to it, even when it meant going without.

Reduced bills / swapped suppliers where we could.

Sold anything we didn't need on eBay / fb.

The other big changes were a few years with no holidays aside from a gifted weekend away, no takeaways or meals out except for special occasions and an agreement that if we wanted to buy anything, we researched and got it as cheaply as possible. This tended to mean buying a winter coat in April when they were on sale and shopping around.

I mean this nicely OP, but if you really want to change things here, you're going to need to alter your mindset. You're getting a hard time because you are coming across as unwilling to actually sacrifice anything.

Buying things second hand is a win win - I know I put clothes on eBay that id worn once / not at all and lots of others do the same. It's no different to buying something someone tried on in the dressing room.
I get that charity shops aren't your thing but I would have a look on eBay. Lots of things are nearly new / new with tags, just cheaper than getting from the shop - especially if you're happy to have last seasons clothes. Once they arrive, wash them and they're no different to buying from new.

I would also reconsider the experiences you're paying for now. Pumpkin picking and illuminations are great for older kids. I would have thought seeing fireworks locally or a visit to the park would be better for a child your dc's age though, and you can do that very cheaply.

When you're planning to go places, factor in taking food and drinks rather than budgeting for them. If you're anything like me, you always end up spending more than intended - places like that tend to have inflated prices.

Similarly, you mentioned your DH taking lunch but buying bottled water. It would be more financially and environmentally beneficial to have a refillable drinks bottle and take that.

We found that we wasted money on a lot of things that made our lives more convenient but actually, we don't miss them (little things - taking my own drink when out, remembering my shopping bags, not picking up a cake / bottle of wine on the way home etc).

It's quite a hard task to scrutinise every single penny and ask "could this be cheaper?" But we put every saving towards one debt or another. I remember saving £12 on a pair of shoes that I'd budgeted for in the sale which had been unexpectedly reduced again, and going on my online banking and paying that£12 off my credit card debt.
It's a hard road but you can sort all this out before your dc is old enough to notice, you just need to start now.

@Sorberret

Honestly, that’s really unfair of you to say this.

It’s not like I’m buying the most expensive finest bottled water.

It’s £1.59 for 12 bottles.

My husband isn’t office based, he spends most of the time driving to sites.
We found getting him bottles of water on our shop cheaper than him stopping off.

He doesn’t drink hot drinks.

I really don’t think I’m entitled for buying my husband water to take out to work.

You make choices. And people have made some good suggestions. If you want to clear your debt you will look at ways of reducing your out goings.

I too grew up in a single parent family. My mother baked. Made clothes and knitted. My fondest memories were in our local park with picnics and paddling pool.

I'm now a single parent. I have no choice but to economies. Although even before I was on my own I always liked a Bargain.

Go through your bills and get everything down in price. Gas/electric broadband etc.

Look at your shopping meal plan shop for the week so no little shops needed you can freeze bread and milk - buy a refillable water bottle.

Clothes shop around. Go and take a look In charity shops. There will be the odd new thing you might prefer to buy and the money goes to charity rather than asda.

My budget in my pocket for the month after all my bills are paid is £200. If the kids needs shoes haircuts trip out. This is all I have. So I have to make it last. When I go shopping I only buy things we need. Not things I would like.

I'm fortunate 🙄 that the kids father occasionally pays me some child support so when this happens (once this year). This goes on bigger things

You can be more mindful with your budget for a year or two and clear your debt. Or you can carry on as you are. it is a difficult mindset to change bit of you want it badly enough you will make the changes.

You seriously have to rethink your attitude to money. As others have said, go to the Debt Free Wannabe board on Money Saving Expert and listen to and act on their advice. They are so supportive.

Get into good habits now and once that debt is repaid, you’ll be so much better off and much happier.

In your posts you have come across as full of self pity and then defensive towards people’s suggestions. This is classic victim/things happen to me/I have not control.

It is your attitude and actions which will make all the difference to your situation. You have lots of options for ways to save and/or increase your income.

(I once was in £35K in debt and now I am not. It took a lot of work and not giving up. So I am not being judgey or harsh - this is from a place of real understanding.)

I know people will jump on me now and tell me I shouldn’t be going pumpkin picking or to illuminations. But we have to have some enjoyment on a weekend as a family

And yet your whole point was you were doomed and can't possibly have a happy life

Two well paid jobs, company cars, disposable income, can save for Christmas, trips and days out......do you realise other people can only DREAM of your life?

🤦‍♀️ buy a flask and fill it up from the tap at home. Honestly I despair op! People have come up with sensible/ helpful advice and you just keep shutting them down.

The cost of the water isn't an issue, it's the criminal waste of resources plus the fact that, most plastic that people thought they were recycling was just shipped abroad and often dumped in the sea.

This may be changing now, but it doesn't change the fact that bottled water is totally unnecessary in the UK. Where have you been for the last few years OP? He needs a reusable bottle of tap water.

Buying water! you’re clearly not ready to listen. Give your head a wobble.

@SuzieCarmichael

Buying water! you’re clearly not ready to listen. Give your head a wobble.

@SuzieCarmichael

Jesus! It’s £1.59 every other week. Its hardly what got me into debt is it.