To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

I honestly do mean it when I say, I’d love to feel happy enough with myself that shopping in a charity shop for second hand clothes wouldn’t make me feel bad about myself

I'm sorry that you feel that way. Maybe the thing to do is to work on your self esteem. We can point out lots of ways to live cheaply, but ultimately you seem to be trapped into spending money to feel okay about yourself.

Why starve yourself rather than use charity shops?!

I have enough money to buy new, but I rarely do as I am appalled by the cost - even of supermarket clothes these days! It is so much more enjoyable to buy better quality clothes second hand. I look out for bundles for the children on Facebook marketplace, Ebay for me, second hand furniture shops...

It’s not because I’m tight with money I don’t think, I just prefer to save it for things I think are important or real treats, and not waste it on overpriced rubbish.

Babies don’t need toys, they haven’t got a clue what is going on. If you do want plastic bits and pieces in your home... back to Facebook marketplace and fill your boots! There is no shame in second hand shopping, it is better for the environment and I think that bargain hunting can be quite addictive, and fun (maybe just me though )

@Thinkingg

Maybe it depends on your background. My gran loved a car boot sale. For my family, we enjoyed receiving hand-me-downs as gifts, and passing them on later. "That coat used to be your cousin's" would be said like it's a cool interesting fact to share a coat with your cousin, not a shameful failure.

That’s lovely ☺️

I don’t personally remember having second hand clothes when I was younger. Which is strange as I come from a big family, lots of cousins.
My mum was also a single parent.

My mum is exceptionally good with money,
I think that’s because she’s always had to budget.

I remember the budgeting, I always remember as a child wanting a magazine that my friend had. It came with a cool “make up” kit. I was probably about 10.

I asked my mum for it and she said I could have it the following week.
The following week the magazine wasn’t in the shop anymore.

It’s little things like that, the waiting, the feeling left out, that have probably contributed to my unhealthy spending habits.

@corythatwas

Couldn't you cope with a bit of feeling bad now, if it makes him feel better later? And I'm not just talking about the clothes, but about your attitude to spending in general. If you could see saving and building up your CV as an investment in his future, isn't that worth making?

Absolutely. Of course it is.

@Stressedspaniel

I have enough money to buy new, but I rarely do as I am appalled by the cost - even of supermarket clothes these days! It is so much more enjoyable to buy better quality clothes second hand. I look out for bundles for the children on Facebook marketplace, Ebay for me, second hand furniture shops...

It’s not because I’m tight with money I don’t think, I just prefer to save it for things I think are important or real treats, and not waste it on overpriced rubbish.

Honestly, I love this. Really I do.

I’d love to be able to feel that way about second hand things.

It may sound ridiculous but I think I’ve just always felt like I’m getting something someone else doesn’t want, like they’re replacing it for something better and I’m just taking someone else’s shit; which then makes me feel like I’m not good enough for brand new.

I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. It does, but that’s just how it makes me feel.

It’s little things like that, the waiting, the feeling left out, that have probably contributed to my unhealthy spending habits.

Maybe, but I don't think it's fair to say that's the only reason. Sounds like a fairly typical upbringing in the 80/90s tbh.

It's up to you OP.
You can continue this lifestyle until the credit runs out.
You can return to work and build your career and earning potential
You can jack in your job and be a SAHM.
You can cut back on your spending and clear your debts.

Those are your choices. Hard, but ones that most of us have to face.

@Beeaaautiful your problems are emotional, not financial.

Once upon a time I was a single mum with 10k of debt. I had a 3yo. No other income but my wage, no maintenance etc.

There was no budget for coffees and snacks out! I made our sandwiches and we went to a different park, playground, rambling trail, etc. every weekend. SO many memories made. I remember it as some of the happiest time of my life.

Tuesdays were soup day. I would store up leftovers from the week before in a tub in the fridge, and we would work together to make soup out of them on Tuesday evenings. He still loves soup!

I started to take pride in being able to make something out of nothing, knowing that no matter the circs, I could provide comfort, fun and togetherness to my LB.

I have been so poor (temporarily) that I couldn't afford to buy bread! I couldn't afford to buy yeast even, I had to teach myself how to make wheat tortillas from scratch... My little boy joined in. He has wonderful memories of that.

My son is 8 now and these days I'm on a 6 figure wage. He wants for nothing. But for the first 4-5 years of his life, he didn't want for anything either, I just had to figure out how I was going to get that done... the fact that I managed that is a measure of my resourcefulness. It's positive! It's not a negative.

You need to start disciplining yourself not so much to change your spending, but to change your mindset. The mindset comes first.

Your current mindset is, "If I can't buy nice things for my little boy, I am worthless".
Your future mindset needs to be something like, "I am able to make something out of nothing, and that makes me a resourceful mother who can love and support her little boy even in the toughest circumstances".

This whole thread is very self pitying, and you don't sound like you want too many solutions just yet - but hopefully for your own sake you snap out of that soon and start looking for ways to change yourself.

Your circumstances are extremely cushy, by the way. You are more than capable of being happy in the circs you have. However, your mindset desperately needs changing. What will happen to you if something actually difficult happens to you? You have no resilience right now!! That is a huge risk to your happiness over your whole life.

OP the more I read this thread, it feels like your priorities and values are all out of whack if you do want to be debt free.

Your DS is so little - why not save now so you can do stuff when he actually remembers it? Also buying second hand - I use an app called Vinted and most of the stuff I buy comes with tags on!

You see to have all these prejudices and ideas around materialism that you don’t want to let go of. You want a lifestyle that you simply can’t afford!

Wow that was a bit surprising about the second hand clothes, we bought loads from eBay and Nct sales and the like (and resold them there) - it’s about reducing waste both economically and environmentally-we also has loads of hand me downs from friends. Often having already gone through a few kids, we then passed these on.

You really really need to learn to disconnect your worth from the price tag on things you buy. I’m wondering did your parents struggle with money when you were growing up and you’re trying to seperate out that experience from the one you son has?

*You’re right. And if you can shop in a charity shop for your child feeling so positive and proud then I envy you.

Me personally (and this is my own personal feelings, not how I view others) it would make me feel lousy. 😔*

You really need to address your feelings of self worth and how it's all tied up in buying things. If you don't you'll never resolve your financial problems (without a lottery win). You'd actually be doing better by your son by shopping in a charity shop/off market place etc , you'd be supporting the environment for us future and you could have saved yourself maybe 40 quid to pay off of the debt you have hanging around your neck. If you want to change things for yourself you can, but it starts with accepting you don't have the right mind set and stop making excuses for yourself

@Beeaaautiful

Honestly? You're an addict.

And like any other addict you will always be able to justify to yourself what you're doing, why you need to do it, why there's no other way to do it.

And like any other addict you will only change when you want to change.

It's clear you're not ready to take that step, so the best you can take from this thread is that when you are ready, there will be lots of good advice on here to help you.

PS All addictions start for a reason and it does help to understand why they happened, but you still have to address the behaviour.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Thinkingg

Maybe it depends on your background. My gran loved a car boot sale. For my family, we enjoyed receiving hand-me-downs as gifts, and passing them on later. "That coat used to be your cousin's" would be said like it's a cool interesting fact to share a coat with your cousin, not a shameful failure.

That’s lovely ☺️

I don’t personally remember having second hand clothes when I was younger. Which is strange as I come from a big family, lots of cousins.
My mum was also a single parent.

My mum is exceptionally good with money,
I think that’s because she’s always had to budget.

I remember the budgeting, I always remember as a child wanting a magazine that my friend had. It came with a cool “make up” kit. I was probably about 10.

I asked my mum for it and she said I could have it the following week.
The following week the magazine wasn’t in the shop anymore.

It’s little things like that, the waiting, the feeling left out, that have probably contributed to my unhealthy spending habits.[/quote]
I'm sorry. That kind of experience (and I'm sure it wasn't the only time, just one that stuck with you over the years) would definitely leave a mark. It's easy to see how you'd feel worth less than your friends, and then later fill that hole by spending when you can.

Maybe I'm being insensitive in this thread, because we were financially better off (2 working middle class parents). I wanted to show a different attitude to this. But obviously it's far easier to delight in a bargain when it's a choice, rather than a necessity that you're forced into every single day.

OP - it sounds like you are pretty good at understanding your family budget. So here's a suggestion. Set up a monthly standing order towards paying off one of your credit cards for £200 (or whatever seems like a suitable amount - but crucially must be more than minimum payment) each month. Set it up to go out at the same time as paying off gas/elec/etc bills. In fact think of it as another bill, not an optional thing that you can pay off if you have a bit of spare money at the end of the month.

Your son won't remember that he wore a 2nd hand coat when he was a baby (and you can get 2nd hand coats that look new - maybe not even worn) but he will (like you do) remember that he could never have the latest magazine/game/whatever thing all his friends have when he is 10. So the best thing you can do for him is to pay off your debt now, while your DS won't realise that you are living frugally. Then you will have way more disposable income when he's older when he's old enough to appreciate and remember it.

Your comment about you'd rather starve than put your child in charity shop clothes actually isn't correct - is it? Because if you didn't have enough money for new clothes and food you'd simply put the difference on a credit card. If it was genuinely one or the other I think you might change your mindset.

Thinking about it, fine, if you don't want to buy secondhand clothes, ok, make buying new clothes the thing you prioritise. But then I would recommend thinking of other ways you can cut back - you do not have infinite resources/ access to credit. And that is perfectly normal, nearly everyone makes these choices and compromises!

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Thinkingg

Maybe it depends on your background. My gran loved a car boot sale. For my family, we enjoyed receiving hand-me-downs as gifts, and passing them on later. "That coat used to be your cousin's" would be said like it's a cool interesting fact to share a coat with your cousin, not a shameful failure.

That’s lovely ☺️

I don’t personally remember having second hand clothes when I was younger. Which is strange as I come from a big family, lots of cousins.
My mum was also a single parent.

My mum is exceptionally good with money,
I think that’s because she’s always had to budget.

I remember the budgeting, I always remember as a child wanting a magazine that my friend had. It came with a cool “make up” kit. I was probably about 10.

I asked my mum for it and she said I could have it the following week.
The following week the magazine wasn’t in the shop anymore.

It’s little things like that, the waiting, the feeling left out, that have probably contributed to my unhealthy spending habits.[/quote]
Honestly .... you sound childish.

Your in 15k worth of debt for Christ sake.

You can’t just have stuff when you want it because you can’t bloody afford it.

It’s shit as well that you are blaming your mum and the way you were brought up as the reason you can’t stop spending your money on crap you don’t need.... because you had to wait a week for a magazine? Pathetic

Seriously you don't have to to go pumpkin picking or the illuminations, you certainly don't have to buy coffees or sandwiches.

Go for a walk around your local park, pick pine cones and paint them with your dc. Take a flask and packed lunch. Maybe £2 for an ice cream for your dc. There's £90 saved.

£50 for a new coat and some new clothes for a child is simply throwing away money at that age. eBay is your friend or your local charity shops.

As the old saying goes 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got'. If you don't change your outlook or actions you'll never get yourself sorted.

OP, what do you what from this thread? In answer to your original question of ever being happy in your circumstances, you will never be happy regardless because your not happy and never will be until you get some help to deal with your insecurities, self esteem, spending and debt help. You feel you should have it all and you haven't due to your behaviour. Your behaviour will impact your son so please sought some help now.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

You could bring it down a lot now and clear it in the end... but be careful or you "just wont" do it.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

You're not doomed but you still have some weird feelings about money and they're getting you in trouble. You use spending to make yourself happy - to get the things and events and the look you want. That quickly turns into a vicious circle - you are in debt, so you are unhappy, so you want to spend because that will make you happy temporarily, but if you do spend that makes the debt worse. So you feel unhappy so you want to spend more...

Spending money when you don't really need to, is almost like taking a drug. So to have a truly happy secure life you need to get on top of the habit. You need: (1) to find things that make you happy and your family enjoy that don't involve spending money. (2) To enjoy saving money and paying off debt bit by bit, and seeing your sense of success and achievement grow as you do it (3) maybe hardest - to resist the temptation to spend money on yourself or your child when you want to make yourselves feel happier (4) to stop buying so many things you and your family "deserve" and just spend on things you and your family really "need".

If you can't do those things then you and your children are probably doomed to financial insecurity and the unhappiness that brings.

But we have to have some enjoyment on a weekend as a family.

It is possible to find very inexpensive ways to enjoy yourselves as a family. But it's only possible if you really want to do it. "Having some enjoyment" and "doing something a little different" mustn't become an excuse for "spending money we don't have".

I took a total of 2 pictures when I was there, both of DH & DS.

You're kind of missing the point, which is that whether you take photos or not there are cheap/free ways to have family fun. But you seem to think only the expensive ones are really worth doing, it's as if you only feel confident that something is enjoyable if you can see it has a pricetag.

Neither of us can get credit right now.

I find that reassuring because more credit would be dangerous for you and your DH. You could get into still worse debt than you are now. And then you would be saying "we could have lived within our means but somehow we just didn't" and feeling even more sickened than you do now.

I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. It does, but that’s just how it makes me feel.

I can see how your childhood could have made you feel that way. What's the point of saving up for the magazine if it's already gone? And maybe your Mum knew and never meant to get it for you It's as if your Mum had to be so careful about everything that it sucked the joy out of life so you don't feel able to be financially careful about anything at all. But in the end that just sucks the joy out of life too.

It doesn't sound as if your money situation now is as bad or joyless as your childhood, and if you can get it under control now it never will be. If you can give up spending on the things that don't matter then you will be able to afford the little treats your DS will really enjoy!

The emotional connection to spending is well documented. I had terrible PPD after my youngest was born, and actually went into an intensive hospital program which dealt with all kinds of depression and anxiety.

Each morning in group, we had to answer whether we'd had any urges to drink alcohol, take drugs or go on shopping sprees. Shopping is another way to get that "hit" so I sympathize, OP.

I don’t generally visit charity shops when buying clothes for my DDs. I use ASDA George. But I’ve been very happy to accept second hand clothes from my SIL, whose DC are a few years older. And I’ve passed on the clothes that my DDs have grown out on to friends or to charity shops.

Young children grow out of their clothes very quickly, so some second-hand clothes have hardly been worn. If you buy brand new all the time at this stage then it will cost a lot. You can save a lot by buying second-hand from charity shops, or accepting hand-me-downs from friends and family.

It really isn’t about clothes that other children don’t want. It’s about clothes that they’ve grown out of. A lot of them are in very good condition; I’ve only ever handed on clothes that are in very good condition.

But it sounds as if this isn’t about rational arguments but about how you feel.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Yes you can. Your bad credit rating will go 6 years after your last problem and if you keep paying everything off it will improve. That's not forever.

In the meantime you need to earn more money. However you can. I personally favour going for well paid careers (and before I get any facetious replies I have no degree. And no particular experience). So this means avoiding 'women's jobs'. For example I was in sales. Started in advertising (hard but good training) briefly before getting a break in tech - commission only but for a proper company in a proper office. Most of my colleagues were male hence we were well paid and well treated by company, You can sell medical stuff or stuff to cosmetic clinics and get paid bugger all and treated like shit or sell IT (working your way up) and get paid a lot.

So all jobs need training on the job and the more you put in the more you get out. Pick one that had relatively low barriers to entry (IT had many levels. There are people making 7 figures and people starting out) and avoid any jobs where your customers are only the public, or where your colleagues are mostly women.

Start where you can but look for the next opportunity- don't stay in the same role once you are good at it. It depends what you're interested in and what your attitude to different kinds of work is. I'm quite extrovert and not scared of much. And I get bored so it suited me. I don't do it now but it was good to me.

Or jobs where there's a mix eg recruitment/headhunting can be a joyless grind of placing poorly paid people or you can learn a market of people earning loads then you will.

If you want a nice lifestyle you need proper work. Not part time 'jobettes' that fit around the kids. Unless you have a rich husband or parents.

Then there's other things that don't pay that much but get you out of a hole. Dog walking, cleaning, babysitting, etc. Various admin jobs working from home (hard to find and poorly paid).

I know several people (women) who wanted to have 'portfolio careers' as they were sick of working. A bit of marketing maybe, a little business as well. Part time, lifestyle. They are all broke AF now. They didn't take anything seriously enough and didn't want to do the uncomfortable stuff. I have a business and it's difficult. You need good staff or a great business partner. It's hard work and requires a lot of boring shit (as you can see I'm replying here instead of doing it!)

Then there's the unicorn career. Selling stuff on eBay or amazon. Multi level marketing. Picking stuff up at car boot sales and selling it online for a profit. Social media influencer (ive has hundreds apply for a job where only a time bit is SM). Literally everyone wants to do it. Almost no one suceeeds and frankly if you are that determined and business minded you would do a lot better in a normal business.

So here's the thing. The nice or glamorous jobs don't pay and are hard to get because everyone wants them. Never follow the crowd if you want money. Go where people aren't. Or at least where there's some kind of gap - dog walkers and dog boarding will be doing well soon. If you're a doggie person you can make £25-30 per night plus walks. Or £10 a walk. Take several dogs out and it's potentially £200 a month (one walk a day) cash. But you need a car/van and some training.

So yes your life can get much better but not if you do nothing,

Terrific advice! Every young woman should read this!!

It may sound ridiculous but I think I’ve just always felt like I’m getting something someone else doesn’t want, like they’re replacing it for something better and I’m just taking someone else’s shit; which then makes me feel like I’m not good enough for brand new.

With children's clothes it's almost certainly going to be because the child has grown, isn't it? Not because it wasn't good enough.

Can't you think of it as a child a little further along the road than yours passing something onto him that will help him? When I was pregnant, an old schoolfriend of mine sent me a huge box of her boys' cast-offs. They were 5 or 6 years old by the time so were never going to fit into baby clothes again. And I thought of her lovingly folding those clothes, with all the memories
they carried, into a box for me and it felt like a huge gift.

When we gave dc's old pram/buggy to a friend it was such a nice thought that their little one would be seeing the world from the same perch as our children had first seen it. We gave away their sandpit- the child across the road is probably still playing with it.

I am wondering a bit about that childhood experience of yours and why it affected you so much. I am sure many children have similar memories of not being allowed something but this one obviously took on a deeper meaning for you. Any idea what that might have been? Was it the last of a long line of such experiences? Did they come coupled with worrying about money, did your mum make you feel money was to be worried about?