Cocklodgers - Myth or Reality? Vote please.

[GarlicMonkey]

Been chatting about my own short lived, but significant, historic cocklodger experience with DP. Mine was such an entited baby & although I got him out of my house (back to his mum's back bedroom) & my bank balance pretty quick, it took ages to shake him off completely. I'd wrecked all of his dreams, robbed him of his future, waa, waa, strop.... aye mate, your future of eternally living like a teenager while I provide for you.

DP thinks it must have been a one off because 'there surely can't be many people like that?'. My single friend has explained to him her online dating strategy for early cocklodger detection (it's great, she should publish it) after being stung once but he's still pretty stunned & in denial.

So, are they rare & me & my friendship group have just been unlucky, or are they a definite thing to be on guard for?

YABU - No, they're not a thing.
YANBU - Yes, they're a thing.

Any stories also appreciated.

froggy, did your DM's ex ever get to hear about your DP's success in the creative industries?

my favourite: "why should I pay for washing up liquid - you're the one who uses it!"

MissConductUS And Google "Homeless Joe" on You Tube if you want to see an extreme version of the American version of the genre!

@IncandescentSilver - I just watched one of the videos. Wow! I'm a NY'er and never give to panhandlers. He's smooth and quite good looking, otherwise this con wouldn't work.

I know, he's an absolute cracker of the genre. Sort of slimy but good looking (and very tall) at the same time. Just picks up women off the street who take him home for sex and give him a home short term!

Apparently, he's relapsed now and is back on the streets. The good looks won't last for much longer!

froggy, did your DM's ex ever get to hear about your DP's success in the creative industries?

No, by weird coincidence I met him only a few weeks after my mum died. I haven't had any direct contact with her ex since I was a teenager, only contact through lawyers.

It is sort of a shame, it'd be funny to see his reaction.

.

CL Lite - mostly 'dates' at mine, he never contributed to food, bought wine, etc. On the very rare occasions we ate out, he expected me to pay half - when I suggested that either he paid when we went out, or contributed the wine when we ate at home, he said I was being completely unreasonable, because he incurred petrol or tube cost of coming to mine.
I eventually worked out the reason that he was always coming to me and never invited me to his home wasn't that he would have to cook, provide food and wine.... he was married

On MN, what I notice is that often cocklodgers get in because the woman has been conditioned to be strong and independent and, often, at some point has been so scared of appearing to be grabby etc that she over compensates.

I think this is compounded by treating people how you would like to be treated yourself.

I think a lot of women inc many with bad fathers are also frightened of having to rely on a man.

@CupidStunt2020

Please don't blame women for these men

I don't blame women for the mens actions, I blame women for their own actions. Men can't cocklodge unless women let them. There are several posts on even just this thread detailing their multiple cocklodgers....I mean, once is carelessness (although you should have known better) but to do it again? WTF is wrong with that?

Yes, they are shitshows of excuses for men, but if you live with them/marry them/have kids with them, what are you?

Plenty of women had crappy examples of relationships growing up. A lot of the men in my family are CLs. My dad and mum are the opposite, total workaholics who then are guilted into enabling and funding their entire families.

When you grow up in this kind of dynamic, it's hard to spot red flags. And even without that, we all have our vulnerable moments, and dodgy guys are great at spotting those, and then it's hard to.dislodge them.

@froggygoneacourting God, I feel quite sad reading that 😞. He sounds a prize twat, glad you've met a good un.

When you grow up in this kind of dynamic, it's hard to spot red flags. And even without that, we all have our vulnerable moments, and dodgy guys are great at spotting those, and then it's hard to.dislodge them

I disagree entirely, but even if you had a point, why then go straight to yet another cocklodger?
Women have to take responsibility for their own choices.

The thing I find alarming is that this behaviour correlates with women's growing financial independence and the fact that a large number of them don't actually rely on men for money any more.

This in itself is a hugely positive thing but it does give cynical and manipulative men another "angle" -- they know they can push things further with a woman who doesn't rely on them for money and use the "feminism" card.

@thepeopleversuswork

The thing I find alarming is that this behaviour correlates with women's growing financial independence and the fact that a large number of them don't actually rely on men for money any more.

This in itself is a hugely positive thing but it does give cynical and manipulative men another "angle" -- they know they can push things further with a woman who doesn't rely on them for money and use the "feminism" card.

Yep.

I have read this thread with interest after 10yrs of hell with my ex. I finally found the courage to put him out last week. My sister also had a Cocklodger, she has recommended I read the book "why men marry bitches". I have just ordered from amazon and it looks like it will make a good read.

@CupidStunt2020 what, you disagree entirely with the thousands of studies of many kinds that conclude that it is extremely typical to recreate dynamics we grew up with, harmful or otherwise?

People don't make their choices in a vacuum. Our self esteem and expectations are shaped by our family and experience. The vast majority of emotionally abused people are not aware - and often will vehemently deny for some time - that they are being abused.

The idea of taking responsibility for our choices only works if people have support with the tools and strength to identify and act on issues.