Cocklodgers - Myth or Reality? Vote please.

[GarlicMonkey]

Been chatting about my own short lived, but significant, historic cocklodger experience with DP. Mine was such an entited baby & although I got him out of my house (back to his mum's back bedroom) & my bank balance pretty quick, it took ages to shake him off completely. I'd wrecked all of his dreams, robbed him of his future, waa, waa, strop.... aye mate, your future of eternally living like a teenager while I provide for you.

DP thinks it must have been a one off because 'there surely can't be many people like that?'. My single friend has explained to him her online dating strategy for early cocklodger detection (it's great, she should publish it) after being stung once but he's still pretty stunned & in denial.

So, are they rare & me & my friendship group have just been unlucky, or are they a definite thing to be on guard for?

YABU - No, they're not a thing.
YANBU - Yes, they're a thing.

Any stories also appreciated.

@DillonPanthersTexas

So what's the female equivalent of thslis then?

Fannylodger is the term usually used on here. Did you see the previous poster who mentioned a "cuntlodger"? They do exist, but in fewer numbers.

A cock/fanny lodger isn't somebody who doesn't work. It's somebody who squats with you and doesn't work, raise kids, do housework or contribute anything at all except to deign to share your bed, and sometimes not even that.

But y'all knew that.

My God, so many of these are 😱! How anyone puts up with them for any length of time defeats me.

Not that my family’s exempt. A sister married an American species of CL - a musician + perpetual student, who sponged off her for a few years until she woke up and divorced the useless bugger. Ages ago now, so it’s hardly a new thing.

I have to thank this thread for making me appreciate my dh!!

Can confirm fanny lodgers exist, though I've only ever heard of one. Within weeks of meeting the guy, she had a housing crisis and had to move in, then promptly lost her job and proceeded to sit on her arse fir 18 months until he had enough and booted her out. He worked out she cost him about 25 grand overall.

Yep, I had one fifteen years older than me, lived in my flat half the week (lived with his other girlfriend the other half !!), I paid rent, bills and all food etc when he was with me. Lasted five years (I was very young!), it really all started to unravel when I asked him to hoover and he acted like I’d asked him to build me a new house, he just couldn’t work out why I might think it was a legitimate thing for him to do. Awful.

@youreallyare - I wouldn't see yours as a cocklodger scenario to be honest. I think it's normal for the person hosting to provide food. I would have found it really weird if my boyfriend offered me a fiver for food! In the same situation, I did expect him to bring wine and wash up though!

Yep. I had one too many years ago.
I worked two jobs to pay the mortgage. He was a perpetual student.
I did all the cooking and cleaning. Not sure what he did. Although he did "worship" me aka get possessive when I socialised without him.

Absolutely real. DH’s best friend is one - moves from live in girlfriend to live in girlfriend and doesn’t break up with them (even though he freely admits he wishes he could) because he’d be homeless.

Classic hobosexual - moves from one to the next to make sure he always has a home (which he doesn't have to pay for!)

@GarlicMonkey cees
What do you mean by "paddy strop"
Threw a toddler tantrum. A paddy when they stamp their feet, a strop when they go all indignant then start to cry.

Does everyone gets that this is offensive to Irish people?

Oh yes they exist. My ex and father of my children was a cocklodger for sure. Being single is brilliant!

@HazelWong Youreallyare's person may not be a lodger but he's definitely a sponger, eating at hers 2x a week and every weekend without contributing. That's not equitable.

Sometimes you get to provide free childcare for the CL. If you are a total mug then you also pay the CM too,

@HazelWong I too would think that the host supplies the food etc however he brings nothing with him, doesn't offer to wash up let alone actually do it and as a single parent I can't afford to feed an extra person twice a week.

I do realise that I equally don't have any travel expenses as I don't go to his very often so I suppose it's swings and roundabouts.

I prefer cunt lodger to fanny lodger as it can then be a unisex CL for both. I don't think there's much difference but with a FL at least I think you've got more chance of getting household chores done.

My last BF was one. I seriously regret the 4 years we were together. I think I must have taken leave of my sense to stick with him for as long as I did,thinking he would change. With hindsight,I can see that his sense of self-entitlement was astounding. Yet he seemed to think he was such a catch. And it wasn't just with me that he had this sense of entitlement. I remember one day,during an argument (not long before I dumped him) he threw at me that if I dumped him,he'd soon find another mug stupid enough to take him on someone else happy to have him,and that he would have 10 children. (I was 52 at the time so obviously past child bearing age). I said 'Oh yeah,10 kids when you don't even have a job?'. His reply was 'The state will pay for them,it's what I'm entitled to'. Yes,he was a prize twat as well.

@Plussizejumpsuit

Oh your a man then so that why you're asking *@DillonPanthersTexas*

Why would you think that? I know a person like that and I wondered the same thing, and I'm not and have never been a man.

I feel sure there is a name for it, though it isn't coming to me.

[quote HazelWong]@youreallyare - I wouldn't see yours as a cocklodger scenario to be honest. I think it's normal for the person hosting to provide food. I would have found it really weird if my boyfriend offered me a fiver for food! In the same situation, I did expect him to bring wine and wash up though![/quote]
I think most people expect the "host" to pay for food. And where people have bigger salaries that's probably ok, but when budgets are tight it is a problem if one person is mostly the host. But sometimes it's just that the other person has overlooked it rather than that they are trying to get away with something.

I had no idea these people existed until I joined MN. I did have a freeloader once, funnily enough his name rhymed with cocklodger, he expected me to pay for everything as he paid for petrol. He was the type to get bored with girlfriends and move on every 6 months.

The problem with cocklodger lites is that sure you can have the conversation where you suggest they bring wine, or buy a takeaway, but you'll always be pissed off you had to bring it up. Who wants to constantly be monitoring some guy?

Cocklodger lites aresmart because they know you will feel.obligedto feedthem asthe host. But it's not even a cost thing always. Its politeness. I dont expect guests to contribute to cost of meal etc but I do think its rude not to contribute. That might be a bottle of wine, chocolates, flowers or dessert. If you eat there regularly it might be offering to bring ingredients and cook. It might be insisting on doing the washing up.

Dh spent most nights with me before we moved in together. He would do the adhoc shopping, tidied up, took out bins, get takeaways etc. I never felt taken advantage of.

We are still waiting for that all important list of CL warning signs.
Quickly moving in is surely a big one, with the CL presenting it as almost an act of charity on their part to bestow their company. CLs also seem to be disproportionately describing themselves as students, musicians and photographers.
One I knew thought with his degree ( a 2:2) most jobs available were beneath him, and refused to look for work. His girlfriend working in the NHS could pay for everything.

I had a run in with one . Not a musician but a comedian....On our very first date he bought a bottle, I bought the second but he was hungry and added food. He would say “ Do you want some money for that ? “ and stupidly I would feel cheap and say no bother. It was his favourite phrase although he even stopped the pretence that he would contribute after awhile. He stropped when I booked a holiday for me and my children and didn’t invite him and his children ( I didn’t. I would have had to pay. I think I was finally at my limit and thank god). On the plus side he was charming and lovely company for awhile. When he turned though he was truly vile but that’s another story. It was a great lesson for me. Never again.

Whoops I hit the wrong button by mistake..... sorry!

Yes they do exist. I know a woman who is married to a guy and they have 2 kids. They both work full time, she had a pretty good job (60k at a guess), but they’re never well off as she pays ALL the bills, he spends all his money on weed (bar the random household expense) , and she puts up with it! The kids are both at school now but her parents used to look after them both so they didn’t have any childcare costs. If he got an afternoon off he would leave them there so he could get stoned and “work on his music” 🙄.

His wife is an intelligent and attractive, has 2 degrees and successfully manages a small team and large projects at work. The whole situation just leaves me totally baffled.

Pure fact unfortunately. My ex made attempts towards the end of our relationship. He attempted to get me to pay most of my salary into the joint account whilst putting very little in himself (he earned more than double than me at the time). I nipped that in the bud once l found out and got the money back as part of the divorce

My cousin married one. He worked for the family business when they met, when his dad retired and wound the family business down then he err retired as well. He wouldn’t work or look after the children or do house stuff. Not sure why she had 2 children with him. Her parents are still fuming, as they are dreading him frittering away her inheritance when they die

A friend’s partner is an ‘artist’ and only works a couple of days a week. She, meanwhile, works around the childcare and her family also pick up the 4 year old from school. I just can’t understand it. Aren’t these people thoroughly embarrassed?!