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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cocklodgers - Myth or Reality? Vote please.

214 replies

GarlicMonkey · 14/10/2020 08:28

Been chatting about my own short lived, but significant, historic cocklodger experience with DP. Mine was such an entited baby & although I got him out of my house (back to his mum's back bedroom) & my bank balance pretty quick, it took ages to shake him off completely. I'd wrecked all of his dreams, robbed him of his future, waa, waa, strop.... aye mate, your future of eternally living like a teenager while I provide for you.

DP thinks it must have been a one off because 'there surely can't be many people like that?'. My single friend has explained to him her online dating strategy for early cocklodger detection (it's great, she should publish it) after being stung once but he's still pretty stunned & in denial.

So, are they rare & me & my friendship group have just been unlucky, or are they a definite thing to be on guard for?

YABU - No, they're not a thing.
YANBU - Yes, they're a thing.

Any stories also appreciated.

OP posts:
Tinythumbelina · 14/10/2020 16:48

The father of my son was one.. Probably still is but not mine. Gave up his 70k job, 2 months before I was due (I worked full time until 8 days before). Apparently too stressful. Contributed 0 to baby needs. 0 to anything. Earnt 20k more than me. I'd just taken out mortgage for house. 0 for rent. What really gives him the prize is when we left previous flat, unbeknowns to me, he cancelled stuff I'd paid in advance for, like council tax, house insurance, took the money & left me (just sent a text( when I'd gone to visit my dying mum in Australia.

CrazyToast · 14/10/2020 16:48

My friend has one. He has never worked, doesn't do any housework or contribute in any way. No idea why she keeps him.

BrowncoatWaffles · 14/10/2020 16:52

Absolutely real. DH’s best friend is one - moves from live in girlfriend to live in girlfriend and doesn’t break up with them (even though he freely admits he wishes he could) because he’d be homeless. It’s just as well he lives abroad because if these women were in our social circle I don’t think I’d be able to bite my tongue. As it is he comes home to visit aNd waxes lyrical about it all and my eyes roll so much I fear they’ll fall out.

Also DSIL is married to one sadly.

safariboot · 14/10/2020 16:55

I'm sure there are an enormous number of men who will, given a chance, move in with a woman and contribute fuck all to running the house in either money or labour.

But as for men whose goal when dating is this, well, I'm sure that's also way too common but maybe less common than opportunist cocklodgers iyswim.

SadLove · 14/10/2020 17:00

My cocklodger used to turn up at mine for his food with a few drinks - for himself 😂😂and when he’d finished them he’d start on mine 😂 I was never invited to his because he was ashamed of the mess. The things we do for love - until the blinkers come off!!

YouReallyAre · 14/10/2020 17:01

After reading this thread, I've inadvertently got myself a cocklodger lite that I would like to try and stop.

At the moment he comes to mine for dinner a couple of times a week and one weekend a month. Due to his work I can only stay at his one weekend a month.

How do I explain nicely that I can't afford to feed him all of the time with nothing in return? I feel as though I am being tight but I also am starting to begrudge the meals which is awful.

CounsellorTroi · 14/10/2020 17:04

When my DH was in a student flatshare the girlfriend of one of his flatmates used to drive across town to make his breakfast every morning. Cocklodger in the making I think.

winterinmadeira · 14/10/2020 17:06

Yanbu - unfortunately I had one for a year before I realised and ended it

PickAChew · 14/10/2020 17:07

@YouReallyAre

After reading this thread, I've inadvertently got myself a cocklodger lite that I would like to try and stop.

At the moment he comes to mine for dinner a couple of times a week and one weekend a month. Due to his work I can only stay at his one weekend a month.

How do I explain nicely that I can't afford to feed him all of the time with nothing in return? I feel as though I am being tight but I also am starting to begrudge the meals which is awful.

You coming round on Wednesday, then? OK, it's your turn to feed us.
Zilla1 · 14/10/2020 17:08

Youreallyare, could you nicely tell him what shopping he'll need to bring for the weekday meals? It might be interesting to see how he reacts. How is it being tight for you to want to stop gifting the cost (and cooking?) of 8-10 meals a months (assuming the weekends work out evenly between the two of you)? I don't want to cause trouble but the tight one is the one who is taking those meals and not regularly offering to pay or bringing food anyway.

Good luck.

muckandnettles · 14/10/2020 17:10

A friend of mine had one for a couple of years, living there and sponging off her with no money, just moaning and whinging, even crying half the time. Kept saying he would be homeless if he left. She had to start legal action to make him go. If I hadn't seen it myself I wouldn't have believed it. The problem is often that women don't realise what a catch they are for someone who is down on their luck. Same cocklodger has since had at least two other women he has lodged with, possibly three. He's very plausible.

SadLove · 14/10/2020 17:11

@YouReallyAre

After reading this thread, I've inadvertently got myself a cocklodger lite that I would like to try and stop.

At the moment he comes to mine for dinner a couple of times a week and one weekend a month. Due to his work I can only stay at his one weekend a month.

How do I explain nicely that I can't afford to feed him all of the time with nothing in return? I feel as though I am being tight but I also am starting to begrudge the meals which is awful.

I felt exactly the same and couldn’t believe he never offered anything towards the meals. In hindsight I wish I’d said “I’d love to some nice meals for us but can’t afford it” - then if he doesn’t offer to contribute anything I wouldn’t make anymore for him. I know some men just might not realise what it feels like for you, but if he’s given the hint and doesn’t respond why should you go to any trouble for him
nickelbabe · 14/10/2020 17:16

Haven't you seen the one running in Relationships right now?
He stole her Yeokens

HaggisBurger · 14/10/2020 17:21

@Nickname01

You also get Cocklodger Lite. My single female friends regularly have ‘dates’ suggested to them which consist of the CL going over to their home empty handed, getting a meal cooked for them, their sexual needs being seen to and off they go.
This MUST be added to the MN lexicon 🤣. Genius @Nickname01
YouReallyAre · 14/10/2020 17:21

Thank you, I am feeling slightly better about raising the subject now. I have said that I can't afford to continue cooking each week and that maybe we should eat before we meet up. I will see if it is mentioned later.

When we were going for meals out we took it in turns to pay although I did notice that alcohol would be drunk on my turns but not his Hmm. We also take it in turns to pay for a takeaway so that's something.

Wrt travel costs there aren't any for him as I live nextdoor to where he works so he would have to drive here anyway.

Serendipity79 · 14/10/2020 17:26

I was married to one. When I met him he lived with his mum, spun me a story about a deranged evil ex partner, and blamed all his debt on her spending habits. Moved in with me, I sold my house, bought one together (deposit funded by me of course) then discovered he was abusive over the next few years. On separation he accused me of financial abuse cos I wouldn't give him money and 2.5 years later I'm still fighting to keep the house I bought! Not to mention he hasn't seen our two children since we split. He's now moved in with another lady (special friend from work who he DEFINITELY didn't cheat on me with) and he tells her all about his deranged ex wife who stole all his money and doesn't let him see his kids...… sounds familiar :)

I'm pleased to be single tbh!

Zilla1 · 14/10/2020 17:27

Youreally, would he have to pay hotel or commuting costs if he didn't stay at yours twice a week?

YouReallyAre · 14/10/2020 17:30

zilla1 he doesn't stay because he sleeps in at work but he would still be driving here even if he wasn't coming to mine. The only difference is that he gets his dinner for free at mine instead of cooking for himself.

DillonPanthersTexas · 14/10/2020 17:34

So what's the female equivalent of thslis then?

missusthepointagain · 14/10/2020 17:46

Oh god they really exist. I've had a couple. Can't believe how long I put up with it and why. I can see it elsewhere too, but it's funny we normally only really get the severity of the cheek in retrospect!

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/10/2020 17:48

@DillonPanthersTexas

So what's the female equivalent of thslis then?
I think there are no where near as many women who do fuck all in the house, do nothing for the kids and don't contribute financially. So probs why there's not a name for them as they're not coming up as often.
Plussizejumpsuit · 14/10/2020 17:50

Oh your a man then so that why you're asking @DillonPanthersTexas

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/10/2020 17:50

*You're

Tigerstripe20 · 14/10/2020 18:01

After all these years I didn't know there was an actual term for it !
I had mine for 5 years

He was the laziest person I have ever known , lay on the sofa whilst me and my pregnant sister decorated the spare room ..never did a stroke of househelp when I used to break down and ask him he would huff and puff and cause a row so he could walk off.

X Box marathons of 10-12 hours we a regular thing

He slept with someone else ,I kicked him out, he moved in with someone else two weeks later ( not the one he cheated with) she must be a saint.

Why did I stay with him ? because my self esteem used to be so crap I thought I would never get anyone better.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/10/2020 18:16

@DillonPanthersTexas

So what's the female equivalent of thslis then?
No idea.

It would be interesting to see stats on how many men vs women don’t contribute financially in a relationship.