Cocklodgers - Myth or Reality? Vote please.

[GarlicMonkey]

Been chatting about my own short lived, but significant, historic cocklodger experience with DP. Mine was such an entited baby & although I got him out of my house (back to his mum's back bedroom) & my bank balance pretty quick, it took ages to shake him off completely. I'd wrecked all of his dreams, robbed him of his future, waa, waa, strop.... aye mate, your future of eternally living like a teenager while I provide for you.

DP thinks it must have been a one off because 'there surely can't be many people like that?'. My single friend has explained to him her online dating strategy for early cocklodger detection (it's great, she should publish it) after being stung once but he's still pretty stunned & in denial.

So, are they rare & me & my friendship group have just been unlucky, or are they a definite thing to be on guard for?

YABU - No, they're not a thing.
YANBU - Yes, they're a thing.

Any stories also appreciated.

Clearly they are a thing, but it obviously isn't fair to judge all men by them.

My friend is good with the online chat & has series of questions she gets answered in conversantion & marks them out of 10. Above a certain score is danger territory. I'll ask her for the list.

Please can we have this list. I was talking about this sort of thing to a friend of mine. I've met someone I really like but we need to assess whether he is a cocklodger and/or a psycho before anything goes any further!

Make a great article, this.

I married mine. I didn't realise at the time. Needed somewhere to live which I resisted for around 6 months and then when his rental came to be renewed/cancelled, let him move in with me. He did contribute financially but was self employed so no wages guaranteed. He once "bought" me a new car only for me to find that the direct debit was set up in my bank account. I literally can't believe what I put up with.

When he left for OW, his parents told me he used to refer to me as his "pension" as my parents were wealthy. He cocklodged straight in with OW who he claims he "bumped into" the day before and 7 years later remains there. They will marry I believe and hopefully her parents are his pension now. This will be the fourth time he's done this. I was incredibly naive and now find myself a single parent while he chucks a hundred quid a month "maintenance" my way and no longer sees DS. Fortunately I made him have a vasectomy so he can't go round having more children but God knows how many he's left around the country. Horrible cunt of a man. So yes OP, tell your other half they are real!

I dated one when I was much younger and far more naive. He was abusive in other ways but definitely a cocklodger. I remember him asking to split the bill on the first date which had never happened to me before (or since!) and I was a bit taken aback but he managed to twist it to paint himself as a feminist . I should say I always offer to pay half but literally no man has ever accepted my offer, I hadn’t even had chance to offer with him when he asked. I’d say this was 🚩 #1.

Then it was lots of ‘I haven’t been paid yet so do you mind if we just hang out at mine/yours instead’ whenever I suggested a date. If we did manage to go out he’d often find an excuse not to pay his way. He was a master manipulator so I didn’t really notice the signs early on but it soon got wearing. He lost his job at one point so this only made things worse, I remember the final straw being my birthday when I paid for the whole meal and he complained about the restaurant I’d chosen plus didn’t buy me a gift because my birthday was the day before pay day so he’d ‘sort me out the next day’ (he obvs never did).

He lived with his Dad too which is another 🚩. He was older than me, I think he was 26 at that point so old enough not to still be living in Dad’s box room but he was pretty feckless to say the least. Was glad to see the back of him, he stalked me for months after I ended it though and assaulted me in broad daylight so it wasn’t a happy ending to begin with.

@iluvgab Yes that is a very good description my ex-h. Ultimate love bomber.

I had a boyfriend who I suspect was on his way to being a cocklodger. I was living on my own quite happily, most of my wage went on my rent but I was content living on cheap food and not really going out much. Met this guy through a friend and he paid on dates, was lovely and thoughtful, brought wine if he came for dinner, etc so I thought I was on to a winner. He was in a flatshare but told me it was coming to an end (didn't tell me it was because they'd asked him to leave) and suggested he move in with me. How lovely I said, it'll be fun to live with you and nice to have someone to share the rent with, I'll get in touch with the agent.
Oh, he says, I thought you'd carry on paying the rent. You pay it now so what difference would it make?
I saw which way the wind was blowing and dumped him. I met a girlfriend after that and she moved in really quickly, was a bit worried about her being a cuntlodger but the day she arrived she stocked my kitchen and said "how do you want to sort bills and rent?". She moved back to her home country so we split but remain good friends.

@Zilla1

Picsinred, I expect his mother is using cognitive dissonance to avoid recognising what he was really like. I presume there is a dichotomy - if your child is exploiting then that is what partners do for love, share and so on. If your child is exploited then their partner is a CL.

It's also projection - accusing the woman of darling son's own conduct (having no money and actually trying to take her money) and the accusations that the kids may not be his are projections of his own infidelity. Probably a theme in the family/apple doesn't fall far from the tree etc.

From the things I've seen, I pay much more attention to both the behaviour of the man and also his family dynamics before I get too involved. Cocklodging can be a family trait (after all, it's just a type of exploitation, and often eventually requires abuse to keep control of the woman and the money train chugging along).

Some men will also play the long game if they think they can get their name on the deeds to a house (or marry and divorce for half) or a large inheritance is likely in future. When it's a family trait, the family will egg them on and it's then so much more difficult for a woman to extract herself from.

Hailto, I think the article would need an interview with Jonny's DM saying how misunderstood he was and how his ex was never good enough for him anyway and never properly cared for him, how his new GF is better (though still not good enough so had better try harder and his ex would regret it once he was a famous and wealthy actor/musician/artist/businessman/...

Oh, they most definitely exist. I've had two and seen a lot more.

One, I managed to get out of it by embarrassing him to his mates. He was a musician too and making out that he was making "big bucks" recording. He wasn't. I was good friends with one of his friends and let him know how much he was taking from me. Luckily, I didn't move in with him but he was planning it.

A second one tried it on whilst I was living in absolute poverty (I had 20p to my name and nothing to eat). When he realised that I wasn't going to go into (more) debt for him to have meals out, he soon left.

My sister was married to a cocklodger and he is still an absolute waste of space and had to move back into his parents as he lost his latest victim. My sister is still working her way out of thousands of pounds of debt that he left her with

Pics, I agree and have seem similar projection in innocent friends when their DP monitors their movements and accuses them of infidelity (when it's reasonably clear to outsiders he is playing away).

Not mine but a friends story.

He moved in to her flat she owned. He was very good-looking and very charming.

She wanted to split all costs down the middle (was still cheaper than average rent for the area). He said that it was unfair for him to pay the mortgage as it wasn't his house and that it was unfair that he pay council tax because students are exempt. (he had been a student for a few years a still didn't have a degree because all the universities are 'crap' and didn't give him a second chance when he repeatedly failed) I think this man was 30 years old!

So what did he end up begrudgingly paying? Electricity. Which for a small flat came to £50 per month.

Friend told me how the house was freezing because he would turn off the heating. She would go for a shower and turn the heating on right before so it would be nice and warm by the time she got out. 20m later she comes out the bathroom and he had snuck in the bedroom, turned off all the radiators and proceeded to carryon watching her TV and drinking her alcohol.

On MN, what I notice is that often cocklodgers get in because the woman has been conditioned to be strong and independent and, often, at some point has been so scared of appearing to be grabby etc that she over compensates. You can often almost see these men rubbing their hands in glee behind the woman's back in the posts.

I remembered the one that had me the most WTAF in real life. Friend with a small child got into a relationship with a married man. They had been friends for years (apparently) and he had (apparently) been unhappy. Then they just realised they had feelings for each other (alarm bells are SCREAMING at me at this point). However.... you guessed it.... when he told his wife he was leaving, she threw a wobbly and insisted he get out of the family home but that he had to continue to pay all her expenses. And of course, he had known this would happen which is why he hadn't left her before - he couldn't afford it. but now, happily, my friend and him were in love so he COULD leave because he could just move in with my friend (and her 3 year old daughter....).

Friend told me this story with a completely straight face, absolutely 100% convinced in the honesty of this man and how hard his life was. And somehow didn't notice she had just agreed to take him into her home, with her young daughter, with zero financial expectations from him whatsoever.

The straw that broke my back from my specimen....
He was in the market for a new victim, made special friends and love bombed her, fucked off to meet her and stay for a few days.
Poor lamb needed a break from my demanding requests.
My birthday fell on the third day, sent me a card recorded delivery from London unfortunately he was supposed to be with his mum on the Wirral.
Denied it for weeks then told me straight.
I wasn't supposed to mention it at all and when his mum weighed in saying my dragging it up all the time was bullying him and causing his depressed state something snapped and out he went.
He moved to London shock eh?

Yes they exist. I think many (although not all) grew up with their mothers doing everything for them well into their late teenage years/early 20s and sometimes beyond, paying for everything too. They’ve grown up with the understanding that women are there to serve and tend to their needs (including financial), and are happy to do so because its just wonderful being in their presence. Sometimes they don’t even know how to manage household tasks because they’ve just never had to do it.

At least a proper gigolo takes care of his appearance and treats his job as an art form, and doesn't just lie around drinking beer and farting on the sofa

This made me laugh but sadly there's more than a grain of truth in it! These men are often no great "catch" in any way so why so many women fall for it, I don't know. I guess loneliness.

Oh they exist. They're the star of the show while you're the supporting cast and backstage crew combined. It wouldn't be right to expect the star to do anything menial, would it? They're there to shine!

^Some women ( often divorced or with children) demonstrate their financial independence in new relationships and seek to be clear they arent looking for financial support.

Some cocklodgers take this as a green light to do and pay fuck all indefinitely.^

This! Dating in my mid-thirties, post divorce is a shit show for sure.

I dated this guy last year, on the face of it he was nice enough. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I was clear about that from the outset. After 3/4 dates he wanted more than something casual and was very vocal about it too. One day he invites himself to a spa day, I wasn’t that fussed either way. I paid entry into the spa, the treatments were extra and had to be paid on the day. So we get there, I book myself a massage and one treatment get my nails done. He books himself some bits too. We had a lovely afternoon, amazing facilities, posh 5* London hotel, I finish my treatments before him, so I get dressed head to reception and pay for my treatments thinking nothing more of it. He comes out clearly expecting that I’d have paid for his treatments too, until I point out I haven’t paid for his. His face said it all. We then go and grab a Five Guys for dinner. He basically pays for his burger and walks off leaving me to pay for mine. Fair enough. I dumped him not long after.

I have so many date stories to share like the time I went on a date with this french guy who gave me a sob story how he was unemployed and still living with his ex for financial reasons. Funnily enough I didn’t want a second date but he was miffed when I turned him down.

Not me but my daughter's boyfriend's father. Has never had a job, married his DW at 18, had four kids by her and she works, does all the child care and housework while he sits on his arse gaming very day and drinking beer. He also thinks his kids should provide as well. Two eldest, 17 and 14, have had jobs since they were 12 and have been told they have to provide all their food and contribute to bills (they never give their father cash as bills don't get paid and they find the electricity suddenly gets cut off, even though they gave him money). They pay for everything apart from rent and he goes into their rooms and helps himself to anything he fancies, trainers, a tv, whatever. The latest is, he told the eldest boy (daughter's boyfriend) that he wouldn't be allowed to drive the family car so he had to buy one of his own. Of course, as soon as the lad bought it and started paying the bills on it, Dad gave up HIS car and now uses the son's as he is paying all the bills and if the lad objects or says he needs to use it (he is at uni) he gets aggressive with him. He intimidates the boys into giving him money all the time and now that their little sister is approaching her twelfth birthday, he is on at her to get a paper round and start 'contributing'. He is a vile specimen. If his wife thinks he such a prize, she is welcome to him but to stand by and watch while he abuses the kids! He also asked my daughter, 18 and a full time student, to put him on her netflix account, saying she was paying for it anyway and she was tight not sharing! Got quite arsey when she was round their house. I lost my rag at that and phoned him and told him the only reason she had that account is because we pay all the big bills, you know, food, rent and utilities, and no one in this house works hard to provide him with luxuries! Daughter is madly in love and boyfriend is lovely but I dread them getting serious as boyfriend has FOG and this nasty little cunt isn't going to get off the gravy train willingly. He has never worked because he has social anxiety!

On MN, what I notice is that often cocklodgers get in because the woman has been conditioned to be strong and independent and, often, at some point has been so scared of appearing to be grabby etc that she over compensates.

I see this in real life a lot as well.

@Sparklesocks

Yes they exist. I think many (although not all) grew up with their mothers doing everything for them well into their late teenage years/early 20s and sometimes beyond, paying for everything too. They’ve grown up with the understanding that women are there to serve and tend to their needs (including financial), and are happy to do so because its just wonderful being in their presence. Sometimes they don’t even know how to manage household tasks because they’ve just never had to do it.

Please don't blame women for these men.

I don't know that I see any consistency in this and cocklodging is really more of a financial issue so not so much about mummy doing everything. From this thread alone, it seems half the time they're cocklodgers because they've been tossed out of their parents house!

@Cocothefirst

Both of my former husbands were cocklodgers. I'm not marrying again.

How did you actually get to marry them in the first place, twice?

@SpaceRaiders

OMG so you paid for spa entry and he couldn't even buy you a burger to say thanks!

My cocklodger (the "rockstar" lol) boyfriend was like this. We used to go to the gym on Sunday for a couple of hours and I'd make us a cooked breakfast first. I did this week after week, did not request any contributions or suggest that he took a turn. (We were students in a house share which may be relevant to the next bit).

One night he was cooking for himself and pondered that there was too much sauce. I suggested he add another chicken breast so I could also have some. He insisted I provided my own chicken breast or purchased one of his as he didn't see why he should pay for me to eat. He did back down when I reminded him about the multiple cooked breakfasts he'd scoffed but one of his comments was "I thought that was just you doing something nice for me". The thought that he might occasionally do something nice for ME didn't seem to enter his head.

Did I mention he's an ex?

In response to the posters asking why CLs become how they are, in my ex's case it was certainly fuelled by his parents who thought he was really special, deserved the best and could achieve anything he wanted. He strutted around God's earth expecting people to service his special-ness.

He wasn't a bad person really, quite good company most of the time but obliviously self centred. I've posted this before but he was incandescent when he got a 2.2 for his English degree, despite doing no work. He said it wasn't his fault that he didn't like reading.😂😂😂

@krustykittens Holy shit! That's horrendous. I don't even know what to offer to that story. Thank goodness you can see it and your DD has you. I hope the boyfriend can learn to stand up for himself. What a shit show. Those poor kids.

Not a myth. Mine handed in his notice at his rented place as soon as I completed on my new house, without any conversation. Was quite put out when I told him he wasn't moving in. However, he stealthily did so over the next few months, but apparently it didn't count because he still stayed at his mum's once a week after footie and she washed his suits. Not a penny in board, paid for half a week's shopping once in six months. I broke his heart apparently when we broke up, sadly he was actually a nice guy who would have contributed if I'd have even seen it for what it was. Wasn't until years later mn introduced me to the term cocklodger.