Cocklodgers - Myth or Reality? Vote please.

[GarlicMonkey]

Been chatting about my own short lived, but significant, historic cocklodger experience with DP. Mine was such an entited baby & although I got him out of my house (back to his mum's back bedroom) & my bank balance pretty quick, it took ages to shake him off completely. I'd wrecked all of his dreams, robbed him of his future, waa, waa, strop.... aye mate, your future of eternally living like a teenager while I provide for you.

DP thinks it must have been a one off because 'there surely can't be many people like that?'. My single friend has explained to him her online dating strategy for early cocklodger detection (it's great, she should publish it) after being stung once but he's still pretty stunned & in denial.

So, are they rare & me & my friendship group have just been unlucky, or are they a definite thing to be on guard for?

YABU - No, they're not a thing.
YANBU - Yes, they're a thing.

Any stories also appreciated.

I haven't read the full thread, but yes, I was with one for years but wouldn't let him move in as I knew that if I did I'd never get rid of him.

He only wanted a particular type of well-paid job but was rubbish at it and kept getting fired by various employers. He refused to dirty his hands doing other jobs such as cleaning, bar work, etc, as that was beneath him!!

A divorced friend of mine with a good job, her own home and a great pension couldn't get rid of her CL, who pleaded poverty (and moaned) whenever she asked him for rent and totally, totally took the piss. When she finally got him out of her house, he kicked off big time and it took another year to truly get shot of him. Once these lazy, useless blokes realise they're on to a good thing, they're hard to get rid of!

Another friend married one, hoping that marriage and children would make him grow up and be more responsible. It didn't.

Years ago there used to be a doctor posting in Relationships who was with a CL. He was an "artist", or something arty, who never earned any money and just expected her to keep supporting him.

So yes, these CLs are definitely a thing. They are everywhere!

That remark about throwing a strop is a horrible insult to Irish people.

It is ironic that this thread is about cocklodgers when you consider the fact that the British empire could be described as such in relation to all the countries it has cocklodged in.

It was common place in school when i grew up to sing the eeny meeny rhyme but thankfully we are all more aware now of how racist it is and that awareness has stopped such a common derogatory term from being repeated in that rhyme in recent times.

We can again adapt and educate ourselves about this term that insults Irish people and stop using it.

Thanks to Mumsnet I binned my CL, who came to eat and drink at mine one night a week and every other weekend. He always arrived empty handed. He would then make me buy food when I went to stay with him ever other weekend as it was costing him too much. Wanker.

I knew a GP whose partner continued to stay at home after their children were well into primary school.
She would often talk about the state of the house when she finally got home, and suspected he was just lounging around most of the day.
I think he was another musician type who was holding out for his big break , but eventually under pressure, started teacher training. No clue if he’s working now.

You also get Cocklodger Lite.

Ahhhh, I call this The Panda, eat, shoots and leaves.

It would be interesting to see stats on how many men vs women don’t contribute financially in a relationship.

It would be very interesting! I have seen numerous instances of women hitching up with a 'successful' bloke only to think that they can get a free ride. Weird thing was most of the time these were by any yardstick successful women themselves insofar as very good uni education, good early careers yet just assumed that when they had found 'the one' they could keep their salary to themselves while the bloke paid the rent, bills, dinners, holidays and for everything else. It was just weird going out with these people and witnessing the levels of entitlement. I always wonder how some people (men and women) end up with that kind of mindset.

Yes they are about

I really liked one guy the sex was absolutely great and first guy I had felt something for for years but I took note of the warning signs

Thankfully only encounter

A few friends have been involved with these men they seem to be very difficult to get rid of

[quote thorforever]@GarlicMonkey cees
What do you mean by "paddy strop"
Threw a toddler tantrum. A paddy when they stamp their feet, a strop when they go all indignant then start to cry.

Does everyone gets that this is offensive to Irish people? [/quote]
Yes I wouldn't use it and can see why it is offensive and racist.

@DillonPanthersTexas

It would be interesting to see stats on how many men vs women don’t contribute financially in a relationship.

It would be very interesting! I have seen numerous instances of women hitching up with a 'successful' bloke only to think that they can get a free ride. Weird thing was most of the time these were by any yardstick successful women themselves insofar as very good uni education, good early careers yet just assumed that when they had found 'the one' they could keep their salary to themselves while the bloke paid the rent, bills, dinners, holidays and for everything else. It was just weird going out with these people and witnessing the levels of entitlement. I always wonder how some people (men and women) end up with that kind of mindset.

I don't think it's about not contributing financially alone. DH didn't contribute financially at all for a few years while the DC were small and he was a SAHD, but the point was that he WAS contributing.

A CL comes along and doesn't contribute financially OR in any other way. Often they have a fairly amusing old fashioned view that women should do the cooking and cleaning and childcare because they're "too important" or "too busy" but they don't seem to carry their old fashioned views over into the idea that they should then contribute 90% of the finances.

Cocklodgers can also be the types who see their partner struggling financially but are happy to continue taking money from them while they are quietly socking away large amounts in savings.

I have seen Cock lodger behaviour in real life and online from men many times. But it is less common in women. When younger, I did know a few women who really thought that they should never have to pay when going out with men (even men they weren't dating) and that was annoying. But those women, when they do subsequently move in/marry those men, do, in my experience, see their role to keep the house nice, look after kids etc.

I did have a female flatmate who constantly pleaded poverty so I'd pay for takeaways etc.... only to discover that she' been frantically saving and when we moved out she bought a flat as she'd saved for a deposit. I wouldn't have minded if she'd said that she ws choosing to save but she was always very very clear with me that she earned so little she could barely afford food...

never did a stroke of househelp when I used to break down and ask him he would huff and puff and cause a row so he could walk off.

Yup, classic cocklodger behaviour. My first one was like this. If I asked him to do something around the home or even tried to bring up a discussion about sharing jobs more fairly, he would put a sad face on and say "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment" in the whingiest voice you could imagine. Sometimes I'd get "I'm depressed. I'm in a deep black hole".... funny he only said things like this when asked to hoover. If I didn't accept his whinging as an excuse he'd flounce out of the flat slamming the doors and disappear for a couple of hours.

He was "unemployed" and always used to tell people this in a sad voice as if it was through no fault of his own. I'm sorry but I do not consider people who refuse to work and just sit around living off savings and/or a partner as "unemployed". They are lazy bastards. I take offence on behalf of all the genuine unemployed people who are desperately looking for work because they were made redundant or whatever.
These "unemployed" cocklodgers are just scroungers. My cocklodging ex was - he'd quit jobs or get mysteriously laid off (ie. fired) and then he'd whine on telling others he was "unemployed" - sad voice, sad puppy dog eyes. Fucking hell, 10 years later it's suddenly set me off on a rant again!!

I'll post another time about his fucking spreadsheets and food shopping..... otherwise this post will be too long!

The term Cocklodger Lite made me chuckle! I’d like to raise you a Cocklodger Xtra.

One of my oldest friends (stable job, comfortable small house, generally sensible, shy and cautious) fell for the charms of one of these. He was not the standard gaming, drinking, lazy type - he was doing a PhD when they met, in a completely different field to hers. He played the guitar and wrote countless little lovestruck songs for her, and was generous with tips at the restaurant. He moved in with her. He didn’t contribute to the rent and bills but bought little decorative items to line their nest to compensate. All was well for a few years. He didn’t want to ‘shackle her with marriage’, she didn’t want to have children out of wedlock so they maintained a young couple’s lifestyle.

What she kept quiet throughout was the fact that he’d been ‘working on his thesis’ for 5 years when they’d met (so by the time she told anyone, he’d almost been a decade into his PhD), his university stipend had long been terminated, but he was dining out on the glory of being a PhD student in a niche area where no standard jobs were ever advertised. He’d essentially have to retrain for regular employment as he’d never had a part time job and therefore no work experience whatsoever.
He was generous with tips in the restaurant because she paid the bill - so he was paying about 25% tips to look really dashing.
He felt lonely at home and bought a Labrador puppy - he didn’t bother training the puppy and allowed her to play all day in the garden. My friend was left with the expensive logistics of ferrying the pup for vaccinations, ferrying feckless CL and pup to training class (that she paid for) and doing the dog walking as the garden was too small to expend all the puppy energy. On nice summer days they go to parks together and he sits on the bench looking like the proud parent while she’s on baggy duty - the texture of dog poo through the bag made him feel queasy. She is so glad she never had kids with him despite his enthusiasm for raising children.

He was emotionally quite immature and clingy for her attention and used to get a bit sulky when she spent more time entertaining the puppy than with him. She didn’t even want a puppy in the first place.

OMG. When she finally told me all this, she said that she’d been keeping up appearances for so long that she’d gotten used to the idea that this would be her life. Superficially they were a lovely happy couple - he, the youthful exuberant charming academic, she, the one who provides stability and focus.

She’s finding it difficult to break this off as she does enjoy his company when he’s not generating more work for her, but she now realises she could have had a perfectly wonderful life these past few years with probably half the hard work and expense had she been alone.

So I guess it’s possible for cocklodgers to be overwhelming rather than underwhelming? This one certainly came with all the bells, whistles, guitars, gongs and more.

Please don't blame women for these men

I don't blame women for the mens actions, I blame women for their own actions. Men can't cocklodge unless women let them. There are several posts on even just this thread detailing their multiple cocklodgers....I mean, once is carelessness (although you should have known better) but to do it again? WTF is wrong with that?

Yes, they are shitshows of excuses for men, but if you live with them/marry them/have kids with them, what are you?

But it is less common in women
It depends on the social arena. I know quite a few women who married successful men (or became so during the marriage), whose life us one of leisure 100% funded by their husband. The kids are old enough not to need looking after, they have cleaners and gardeners and contribute very little.

Are they the equivalent of coklodgers? What if the husband doesn't mind? If so, doesn't amen becomes a cocklodger only whwn the woman has enough of it?

The eternal PhD student is a sub-variant (and I've nothing against PhDs as I have one myself. I did it pt in 7 years while working ft and raising a child). My exH has managed to stay classified as a PhD student for at least a decade although on a "leave of absence", probably because he won't do a job that's beneath him so can't pay the fees. I'm deeply relieved that we're not together or else I would be expected to underwrite both his fees and living costs. He genuinely feels hard done by that my parents weren't willing to pay for this. He's 46.

Yes is this any different to women who marry a man for his money?

'A man is not a plan' as the saying goes

Oh come on! Housework, housewives even trophy wife has it's duties.

Yet every male version also happens to be Onslow.

@cees

That remark about throwing a strop is a horrible insult to Irish people.

It is ironic that this thread is about cocklodgers when you consider the fact that the British empire could be described as such in relation to all the countries it has cocklodged in.

It was common place in school when i grew up to sing the eeny meeny rhyme but thankfully we are all more aware now of how racist it is and that awareness has stopped such a common derogatory term from being repeated in that rhyme in recent times.

We can again adapt and educate ourselves about this term that insults Irish people and stop using it.

Wow, so you took insult at a phrase the OP used and explained it by insulting the British.

so basically stop insulting the Irish but the British are fair game.... right.

I dont wish to insult anyone just point out the irony of this thread. It would have been a great thread but without the casual insult to Irish people just thrown in.

LemmysAce,

Have you thought that through? Cees seems to be insulting an aspect of historical British actions which seems entirely justified to me. There seems to be a world of difference between insulting British or Irish people and insulting the British empire.

@cees

I dont wish to insult anyone just point out the irony of this thread. It would have been a great thread but without the casual insult to Irish people just thrown in.

I totally agree with you cees, i am English and i know that the phrase in question is insulting to Irish People and i never use it.

I honestly think the majority of British People dont realise it is insulting and just think it is a phrase like "a stitch in time" etc and dont realise the connection to it, i certainly didnt and it was only a few years ago when it was pointed out that i realised and made sure that i never used it again.

But i suppose looking back at what you have said, the British Empire could in a teeny tiny way be a sort of cocklodger

Ohhhh. That was a useful and informative thread.

AKA Hobosexuals...these men are certainly out there! A friend of mine was dating at a vulnerable time and within weeks a man like this had moved in, was getting post delivered and soon using her drive and garage for storage. They move on when they have the next woman lined up and tell them some sob story...

A friend dated a female CL, he worked in a well paid job and she was the perpetual student, kept changing degrees after the first year. She did work but kept her meagre earnings to herself apart from buying the occasional bit of food.

I think the earlier female CL was refered to as high maintenance and required gifts and money to be showered on them for being female but CL have just upped the game somewhat.

Definitely real. And interesting how many CL are wannabe artists/actors/musicians.

After my parents got divorced my mum immediately (and I mean, like days after) starting dating a guy 15-20 years younger than her. He was an actor and genuinely believed he was the second coming of Marlon Brando. To be fair he had graduated from a very good drama school, and did go on auditions. But he didn't land much acting work; a handful of fringe plays, and some minor TV guest roles. I think a big part of what attracted my mum to him was him being an actor; she'd flirted with acting, modelling and writing over the years and constantly hung around the fringes trying to gain access to those worlds and trying to meet and get to hang out with celebrities. I think she wanted the reflected fame and glory of dating an actor.

When they met he was living on some other woman's sofa, and within months was practically living with us while being a drunk abusive arsehole who expected my mother to pay for everything and cook his food.

He convinced my mum to purchase a broken down narrow boat with the idea that he'd do all the work of restoring it, then would be able to use it as a space to give private acting lessons, or that he'd flip it for money. She spent a fortune building him a voiceover studio in the garden so he could earn a living from home. Spend a fortune buying wood working equipment when he expressed an interest in making that his new career. I don't think he worked a day in his life from the moment he got his claws into my mother.

He lived with my mum for over 20 years. They even broke up, and he continued to live in her house, sleep in the largest bedroom, and had her cook all his meals. Either because she was too scared of his shouting to ask him to leave, knew that he wouldn't leave, or was too afraid of being alone now that she was in her late 60s and likely wouldn't be able to meet someone new.

When she died, he squatted in her house for months and I had to legally evict him. Fortunately he'd never paid a bill in his life so he had zero claim to the house.

I've only ever had a relationship with one man. Not a CL. The exact opposite of a CL. I always said I'd never date actors/creatives, but he is. But he actually did 'make it.' (I genuinely don't care - his fame and money aren't why I love him.) There's a sort of horrible irony in that.

And Google "Homeless Joe" on You Tube if you want to see an extreme version of the American version of the genre!

@IncandescentSilver - I just watched one of the videos. Wow! I'm a NY'er and never give to panhandlers. He's smooth and quite good looking, otherwise this con wouldn't work.

My first husband was a bit of CL. He worked, but never very hard and was a bit of a child around the house. My current DH is the exact opposite and does all of the cooking and shopping.