Cocklodgers - Myth or Reality? Vote please.

[GarlicMonkey]

Been chatting about my own short lived, but significant, historic cocklodger experience with DP. Mine was such an entited baby & although I got him out of my house (back to his mum's back bedroom) & my bank balance pretty quick, it took ages to shake him off completely. I'd wrecked all of his dreams, robbed him of his future, waa, waa, strop.... aye mate, your future of eternally living like a teenager while I provide for you.

DP thinks it must have been a one off because 'there surely can't be many people like that?'. My single friend has explained to him her online dating strategy for early cocklodger detection (it's great, she should publish it) after being stung once but he's still pretty stunned & in denial.

So, are they rare & me & my friendship group have just been unlucky, or are they a definite thing to be on guard for?

YABU - No, they're not a thing.
YANBU - Yes, they're a thing.

Any stories also appreciated.

@Nickname01

You also get Cocklodger Lite. My single female friends regularly have ‘dates’ suggested to them which consist of the CL going over to their home empty handed, getting a meal cooked for them, their sexual needs being seen to and off they go.

Oh yes, the subspecies Cocklodger Lite

My knowledge of cocklodgers:-

1, Friend's boyfriend when she was 18. He moved in to her place and wouldn't move out after they split. The police were eventually involved and he was 'seriously' supposedly injured when they tried to remove him. He successfully sued and was compensated. No children except him.

1. Female friend cuntlodged with her bf. I ended friendship due to other issues but not impressed with her freeloading ways.
2. Male friend/potential boyfriend - saw the red flags too early on and swiftly put a stop to it. He wouldn't go easily.
3. Female friend married the selfish twat. Non-working, financially unviable Musicians/Actors/Writer should come with warnings. He also does fuck all to help with the home or children. His family are all pretty much the same and act the same way.
4. Male friend who I took in after he was made homeless. I needed to persuade him to leave but it became apparent he had a harem of women that he played. Con artist.

I know of a few others but they pale in comparison. There are a few women on the extended list too. Is it more acceptable for women to act this way?

Yes they are real.
My strategy is questions about hobbies and interests. What do you do in your spare time?
If there are working, if not why and for how long.
Professional students are a massive red flag.

Then it's the long game. Do some overnights, go for weekends away,

The worse ones are the ones that do it by stealth. It starts with a toothbrush and goes from there.

Too many threads about them on here for them to be a myth.

A relative of mine, who is always under employed and hates living with his parents. Has in the last 18 months dated 4 women, and then instantly moved in with them. He thinks because he’s cooked dinner for them he should be allowed to stay forever

Female friend married the selfish twat. Non-working, financially unviable Musicians/Actors/Writer should come with warnings. He also does fuck all to help with the home or children. His family are all pretty much the same and act the same way.

DH is a musician. Doesn't earn much but MORE than does his share. But yes, I have heard stories....

SIL is married to one. He earns very little but more importantly, only works 3 days a week and refuses to do additional hours. Looks after DC two days a week, but DC have to go to nursery some of time as he claims that the way his shifts work he can't get them at the same time each week so he lands up with a full day a week to do nothing. On those days he also refuses to take DC to nursery because doesn't understand why SIL can't do it on her way to work, even though it means a much busier more stressful morning for her and she's often on edge of being late for work.

Pays a nominal contribution to household costs and for large parts of their relationship has actually had MORE disposable income for ad hoc things than her! Does zero cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc and, brilliantly, has convinced her that this is HER choice because she is a "control freak".

I have several exes like this, but the most extreme example used to be a friend of mine. After knowing his partner for a month he invited her to move in with him, she put her house on the market and now pays his mortgage whilst not being on the house deeds. She's in recovery from being treated for cancer. He refuses to get a job and refers to himself as a "lady who lunches" . We are no longer friends.

@Bubbletrouble43

Yanbu. Every woman I know, bar the ones that went on to marry their first loves so didn't enter the dating pool as adults, has had a run in with at least one.

To be fair, some of us married our first loves and they turned cocklodger too (with the added bonus that it's all our fault, because our achievements made them insecure and our support made them weak). As a dyed-in-the-wool 'rescuer' I'd love to know your friend's strategy.

• he's also a musician.

My xh was one, he disguised his cock lodging entitlement as being a workaholic for years. Previous to that and years beforehand I had a boyfriend who would have been a cocklodger but I realised before it got too serious. Am so interested in your friend's list.

A cocklodger can oy become one of you allow it. I think what there are women desperate to be in a relationship and 'win' their man by showing how kind and generous they are until they realise that he is not such a price after all.

You can't have a cocklodger if you agree the ruleslrs clearly before moving in together.

Mine was camouflaged. He had a decent job with when I met him. He paid half on dates. Wasn’t relying on me. We moved in together. We bought a house together with a joint mortgage. We got married. Then the trouble started. He had a lifelong dream to start a new business. He started spending our money on business ideas. Then he changed job a few times. Then we moved to my home town (much cheaper place) and he stopped work to focus on the business. I got pregnant and he never went back to work. I did. He was a “SAHD” but it didn’t include any housework or shopping or cooking. DD went to school and he still didn’t go to work. He just moaned we didn’t have enough money for X or Y. Eventually after 14 years of marriage I ditched him. It cost me some equity to get rid of him but it was worth it. I now get to spend my own salary!!

Yes, I think there are many in life (of both sexes) who feel their relationship partner should fund them. There’s many without a work ethic or that don’t feel any responsibility to help pay bills etc.

What is up with the musical cocklodgers? My friend has one. He really has her conned tbh, I lived with them at the start and he’d fully pretend to not know how to cook sausages or wash dishes so she did everything! He’d sit up in their room wanking (I could hear him and the porn) and then at about 4pm start tinkering on his guitar so he could pretend he’d been practicing all day when she got home at 6. Id try to tell her this, but it all fell on deaf ears. He was of course going to be a wealthy rockstar. Needless to say he is not!

Though please OP, can we all stop using “Paddy” to denote throwing a tantrum? It’s not a nice reference for Irish people. Lots of other ways to say that someone threw a tantrum. Thank you!

After cheating on me (denied it) and moving in with her about 2 hot seconds after me dumping him, he asks me to lend him £10k as I was selling MY flat and he said I owed it to him.
Given that he was spending all his money on expensive clothes, motorbikes and tattoos (I love tattoos on a man but on him it made him look like a fucking arse).
Fucking cock.
Kids are at school and it's my day off so I swear like I have Tourette's. Sorry!
But I also enjoy it.

@Nickname01

You also get Cocklodger Lite. My single female friends regularly have ‘dates’ suggested to them which consist of the CL going over to their home empty handed, getting a meal cooked for them, their sexual needs being seen to and off they go.

So funny!!!!!

@OverTheRubicon want to know how? Don't rescue men.

Judge Judy always says "No good deed goes unpunished" and she is right. Men hate you doing too much for them - or should I say they like it happening, it's you they resent. Decent men like doing things for you, they like feeling needed. It's a well known psychological phenomena that if you ask someone to do you a favour that they feel more bonded to you. Asking men to do things and then being appreciative will mean they feel much closer to you. Vice versa means they will use you.

I have never had one and it's simply because I won't pay for them and I won't let them sit around doing nothing. I won't go near a man without a good career he enjoys and takes pride in. If they are tight they get binned immediately (I have to - I get the ick)

So it's simple. Any sign of financial tightness or being broke and thinking I will pick up the slack - forget it. Gone before they know what's happening. Ditto expecting to be waited on. In the early days I do not attempt anything domestic. I do not cook and I do not over pay. If they aren't trying to pay the bill on the first 2 or 3 dates it's a big 🚩

Sounds sexist but I have always earnt good money and have to be careful. I never discuss how much I earn and take the view that a man must have sufficient pride to want to be financially at least equal. A man without financial pride who wants you to pay is a dangerous thing.

I find they try and move in by stealth. Start by leaving the odd bit of underwear/change of clothes and a toothbrush and before you know it they just never go home! I’ve never had a full blown cock lodger because I’m a bit mean with money, so wouldn’t allow someone to take advantage of me financially. But have had men try this tactic of sneakily moving in as if I won’t notice!

Yes to cock lodger lite! I have met so many it’s one of the things that’s made me decide to give up on dating. I’m ok with paying my way, but I’m not lonely/desperate enough to pay a man for his company!

There is a phenomenon which maybe other women who rent out a room in their home will have exierienced.

I've often advertised my spare room on gumtree over the years. Every single time, cwithiut fail, I will get one or two very decent seeming, professional men with seemingly good jobs come round to view the place, seem perfectly normal and at the end, cwhen we are chatting about deposits and references, will suddenly blurt out that they need to move in that weekend, or in 3 days time, or similar, because their wife/girlfriend/partner is kicking them out.

Always the same story, always different men. Obviously, I don't agree to this ahd fob them off, and then I might receive a few text messages or emails stressing the urgency.

Obviously by that stage, I'm ignoring them, and continue to do so.

It's baffling, weird and creepy all at the same time. It's always men, and they always present as quite well turned out and decent, with nothing really odd about them, until that moment they start talking about how they need to move straight away.

It's happened so many times.

And Google "Homeless Joe" on You Tube if you want to see an extreme version of the American version of the genre!

Honestly, I think someone should gather stories about cock lodgers (and other abusive relationship patterns, e.g. coercive control) from Mumsnet, and turn them into a book. And there should be a TV version too, for wider outreach.
... As an awareness raising campaign, you know. So that more people would see them for the toxic parasites they are, so that the bastards would have nowhere to hide.

... The end result would probably be more incels, though... Not sure how these should be dealt with...

I worked with a woman whose son was a cocklodeger. Professional student and then a ‘musician’.
Married someone and had 3 kids. According to his mother (when the woman had come to his senses and thrown him out after working and supporting him for years) was that she was only after his money? And she wasn’t sure those children were even his (apart from looking exactly like him).

Would like to see the screening questions.

Have wondered about the spectrum or the venn diagram of freeloaders and people paying lip service to being a creative in the creative industries, not the professionals but the ones who use this to disguise being unwilling to be employed/'be dictated to'/be a 'wage slave'/.... It's somewhat complex though as the wealthy can indulge their children with opportunities while the poor/disadvantaged don't get opportunities as with internships in general.

DH attempted to become a Cocklodger. I found out a few years ago he was pretending to go to work when he was actually ringing in sick two/three times a week. I went bananas when I found out laid some serious ground rules of he wanted to stay together, and he has stuck by them since.

His DF is a Cocklodger. He's never worked while his mum works at least two jobs and does all the house keep.

What I don't understand is going to all that bother for a room in a shared house that costs only £400 a week! It's not even a particularly nice house - it's a small pokey terraced!

I had one who was a great actor as a poor soul! I worked loads of hours right up to a few hours before going to hospital to have a baby while he sat. 6 months later he was out the door.
He has caused many problems in my life and also my children and my parents lives. Many years later he is still causing bother. He is a master manipulator. He just annoys me I am not taken in by his conduct but my ADC are. Strangely they both work and have non working partners. I dont know why they are allowing this. They should have learned by my experiences but cocklodgers are very convincing liars. He has not ever contributed to society by Tax or National Insurance nor Child Support either.

Women:- do not accept these liars in your life, get rid you will do much better without that type of person occupying your home and likely your car too, they will spend your money and get you into all sorts of bothers. You are worth more and can do better without that burden.