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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
DaenarysStormborn · 13/10/2020 21:34

Maybe there are some things you don't say? Tact - no I wouldn't be a surrogate for anyone.

Also, your SIL raised it with your DH? Why? That's really dismissive to not even raise it with you in person.

mbosnz · 13/10/2020 21:35

Um, I don't think you're unreasonable. I'd give up a kidney for my sister (maybe) - not for my sister in law. Being married into the same family doesn't mean they have dibs on your body.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 13/10/2020 21:36

YANBU for not wanting to do it. I think your DH is being a bit silly to be honest, of course your own sister is different.

LizzieSiddal · 13/10/2020 21:36

No you aren’t- it’s your body and you can do what you like with it!

I’d be exactly the same- my own Dsis had issues, and I told her I’d be a surrogate if she couldn’t have dc (thankfully, she went in to have two of her own) but I certainly wouldn’t be a surrogate for anyone else.

LightTheFlameThrower · 13/10/2020 21:37

If your DH wants to carry a baby for his sister he is very welcome too. Failing that he can fuck off.

HermioneWeasley · 13/10/2020 21:38

You don’t owe anyone an explanation of what you do with your body. It’s horrendous she’s even broached the subject. All she needed to say was they’re looking into surrogacy and you could have offered if you wanted to. To ask is just appalling.

I’d be furious with your husband too, how dare he get “upset” about who you consider do the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy for, how DARE he!

Thatwentbadly · 13/10/2020 21:38

I couldn’t be a surrogate. I couldn’t carry a baby and give it up. I couldn’t put through myself and my children through the risk of me dying/having significant injuries. Have you asked your DH what his plans would be should you die in child birth?

WinWinnieTheWay · 13/10/2020 21:38

Your body your choice. Of course you are closer to your sister, but this is hypothetical and therefore a waste of time. If you don't want to do it, that is it, end of discussion. Your husband has no say in this.

ComicePear · 13/10/2020 21:39

YANBU to feel this way. But perhaps you could have been a bit more tactful.

Sweeetcornbananaf · 13/10/2020 21:40

No I wouldn’t do it. You have children they are your priority, every pregnancy and birth carry health risks and possibly risks your life. I don’t believe in surrogacy as an option, the risks are too high for the mother.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/10/2020 21:40

YANBU - your body your choice.

jessstan1 · 13/10/2020 21:41

You're not unreasonable, it is a big ask and not many would do it. However you didn't have to say you would do it for your sister. He shouldn't have asked you but it would have been better to say you would never do it for anyone.

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 21:41

YANBU. You are never, ever, in any way selfish for not putting your body through the intense strain of pregnancy for the benefit of someone else. It’s something you have an absolute and inalienable right to determine and no refusal could ever be even remotely selfish.

FWIW I love my sister more than virtually anyone on this earth, and would do nearly anything for her - but I wouldn’t be her surrogate. And I don’t believe that makes me selfish.

hillfda · 13/10/2020 21:41

YANBU I wouldn't surrogate for anyone. Don't feel bad.

mbosnz · 13/10/2020 21:41

I do agree with a PP, that your DH is more than allowed to offer up his body as surrogate. If that will not suffice. TOUGH SHIT.

PuppyMonkey · 13/10/2020 21:42

She’s raised it with DH? What, like it’s a perfectly ordinary thing for you to go for her? Confused

Haworthia · 13/10/2020 21:42

Bearing in mind that surrogacy is an ethical minefield, I’d love to know which medical professional said it’s her best option.

Colabottles64 · 13/10/2020 21:42

Has she raised you being her surrogate with your husband?? That is just so unreasonable to do, it must be the awfulness of infertility clouding her judgement. If she wanted to ask you herself because you're close that's one thing, but to go to your husband to ask him to ask you just isn't right. Of course you shouldn't feel pressure to do this, it would be such a huge decision and undertaking

PuppyMonkey · 13/10/2020 21:43
  • do for her.
OatBaker · 13/10/2020 21:43

Your body, your choice. End of discussion. You don't need a reason or a validation or for it to be remotely logical.

IDontMindMarmite · 13/10/2020 21:43

Gosh of course it's different with your own sister, he really shouldn't have been surprised by that. YANBU in the slightest op.

Original poster
nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:44

@Thatwentbadly this was where I was coming from. I didn't broach the death in childbirth question because I'm a few weeks away from having DC2 so it feels a bit too close to home!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who might feel this way. The thing is, if DH could carry a child for his sister, I have no doubt he would. So I understand the feeling of desperately wanting to help your sibling.

Tact has never been my strong point...!

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 13/10/2020 21:44

No way. You're not an incubator. His attitude is despicable, especially given your medical history with birth. It's completely unacceptable for anybody to expect another to act as a surrogate for them.

Your sils fertility issues aren't your problem to fix, let alone put your health and life at risk for!!! Put that no way in now and keep it there.

As for your husband, I'd be reconsidering my feelings for someone who thought so little of me. He sees you as an object who should sacrifice her body and health so his sister can have a baby. I'd have a major issue with that.

BobCat2020 · 13/10/2020 21:44

I don't think you needed to be more tactful. The SIL didn't even bring it up with you directly, she raised it with your DH. That's so rude.

Your DH also asked you the question about whether you would do it for anyone else. If he didn't want an honest answer then he shouldn't have asked the question.

For what it's worth, I would be a surrogate for my sister in a heartbeat but I wouldn't for my SIL.

Fatted · 13/10/2020 21:45

YANBU. There are a lot of things I do for/with my DSIS i wouldn't consider for someone else. That being said, I don't even think I could be a surrogate even for my sister.

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