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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
HelloDaisy · 13/10/2020 21:56

I think you are right to say no. It is a lot to ask of anybody, but especially someone who is pregnant or has very young children. Too close to home really.

My db and sil cannot have children which has been heartbreaking from everyone. As close as we all are I couldn’t help them. For a start it wouldn’t be allowed and I am related to the wrong side of the couple but also because I would not be able to leave them to raise them child without constantly checking what they were doing and interfering!

VimFuego101 · 13/10/2020 21:56

I'm sure there's things your DH would do for his own family that he wouldn't necessarily do for yours, too (larger favours, lending money, donating a kidney).That's perfectly normal.

I would be very annoyed that they'd discussed it without me there as if I was just some kind of vessel that could be loaned out.

FourPlasticRings · 13/10/2020 21:56

Wow. She approached her brother about renting out his wife's uterus? The mind boggles.

tillytown · 13/10/2020 21:57

He knew you were injured giving birth, he knows you don't enjoy being pregnant, so why did he even bother asking? I can understand the sister in law bringing it up, I don't get why he didn't shut her down

Leaannb · 13/10/2020 21:57

@Carminabubu

YANBU for refusal. YABU for saying you would do it for your sister in a heartbeat. It was tactless.
No ot wasn't. Jer husband specifically asked her if she would do it for anyone else. She answered honestly that she would do it for her sister. That isn't tactless. That just means she loves and cares for her sister more than her SIL. Which is perfectly normal. It was tactless of her husband to ask. It jad no bearing on the conversation
ladybee28 · 13/10/2020 21:57

@FlatandFabulous

One of my dad's favourite sayings was "blood is thicker than water" which was slightly ironic as my sister and I are both adopted but I got what he meant. There are things I would definitely only do for my sister so I think YANBU but as you have already acknowledged a bit more tact might have been appropriate, good luck with the baby.
@FlatandFabulous this is a TOTAL side note from the thread, but I learned recently that that phrase is actually really heavily misunderstood and misused. It's a shortening of the saying:

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

It actually means that blood shed in battle bonds people together more strongly than genetics.

So if you and your sister are adopted, it might be interpreted as pointing to the idea that your family's been through a lot together and that means more than whether or not you're biologically connected.

Maybe not what your dad meant, but I still think it's a pretty lovely sentiment in your situation.

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 21:57

@DaenarysStormborn

Maybe there are some things you don't say? Tact - no I wouldn't be a surrogate for anyone.

Also, your SIL raised it with your DH? Why? That's really dismissive to not even raise it with you in person.

Bloody hell this!! Obviously you really are just a vessel!
CodenameVillanelle · 13/10/2020 21:57

I'd have carried a baby for my brothers if their partners had been unable to get pregnant but for nobody else. (I don't have a sister)
I wouldn't do it for anyone who wasn't a close blood relation of mine. I'd need to be in that child's life forever for one thing, and that's not guaranteed with a husband's sister. Also I love my brothers so much that I love their children like my own. It would be totally worth the sacrifice to have another niece or nephew in my life. But not for anyone else. Not sorry and never would be.

EL8888 · 13/10/2020 21:58

@Carminabubu OP really doesn’t need any tact. She’s being asked ridiculous and unreasonable questions. For the record she was more polite than l would be

Mum2jenny · 13/10/2020 21:58

I wouldn’t do it for my dsis but I might consider doing it for my best friend. However it’s totally hypothetical as she (bf) wouldn’t ask me.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 13/10/2020 21:58

In addition, you’d need to give your body time to recover from birth and pregnancy (that isn’t even over yet!) before you could consider it.

When I was being discharged after DC1 the MW “advised” me to leave it 18 months. Of course I thought I knew better and was pregnant again 8 months later. So stupid Blush

So when would your DH be expecting this to happen?

lioncitygirl · 13/10/2020 21:59

Your body your choice. Would I? Yes. But I’m not you.

Kljnmw3459 · 13/10/2020 22:00

Yanbu

ChristmasCarcass · 13/10/2020 22:01

@Haworthia

Bearing in mind that surrogacy is an ethical minefield, I’d love to know which medical professional said it’s her best option.
Depending on what her fertility problems are, surrogacy and adoption might be her only two options (endometriosis, Ashermans, etc).

Saying “no IVF wouldn’t work you’d need a surrogate” is not necessarily an endorsement, just a statement of fact.

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2020 22:01

Also, your SIL raised it with your DH? Why? That's really dismissive to not even raise it with you in person.

Read the latest post from the op. It wasn’t a request for her to it. It was part of a conversation about how shit their situation is and what doctors have suggested might be a way forward. If you can’t have that conversation with your close sibling, who can you talk to?

PuppyMonkey · 13/10/2020 22:02

@EL8888 some people on this thread have been watching too much EastEnders and Brookside imho.Grin

Standrewsschool · 13/10/2020 22:03

Your sil can’t assume she can ‘borrow’ your womb, if that’s what she is thinking.

I couldn’t be a surrogate either.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 13/10/2020 22:03

Anyone who dares tell you this is "selfish" can fck right off and then fck off some more. HOLY CRAP the utter fucking NERVE of a man, who has ZERO idea what pregnancy does to your body getting upset about the fact you dont want to be a surrogate for his sister? he can FUCK OFF- maybe he should try squeezing a lemon through his dick hole and then see how he'd fancy doing that for your brother or dad eh?

My jaw is on the floor reading this. How fucking DARE he- its your body and you get to say who you'll be a surrogate for or not and it matters not one jot your reasoning. You can not do it simply because you dont like her shoes if you like and that is valid because its YOUR body and you get to decide what you do with it, how, and for whom, and it has fucking nothing to do with him.

Good grief.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/10/2020 22:04

YANBU but perhaps this is a situation where a lie might have been tactful.

YoungYankee · 13/10/2020 22:06

You are not being selfish in the tiniest, slightest way for refusing to do this!! It is wildly inappropriate that your sister-in-law asked your husband about it to begin with! Your womb is your own and no one else has a right to use it simply to fulfill their own desires. Do NOT feel the SLIGHTEST bit bad for not wanting to do this, and also don't feel bad for being willing to do it for your sister and not your sister-in-law. There is a big difference between the two, and moreover, people have different relationships with different family members anyway, regardless of their in-law status.

The only thing unreasonable is that you'd contemplate even for a second that you were being unreasonable!

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 22:06

In this discussion he had with his sister, did he bring you up and mention you as a possibility? Or did she bring you up? Or did neither of them actually talk about you and your husband is just asking you as a thinking out loud thing whilst considering what his sister is going through?

But really... he has no right whatsoever to be upset, visibly or otherwise, that you wont offer up your body for almost a year and risk your health and your life for someone you only know because you married this man and he happens to have that sister.

Minniem2020 · 13/10/2020 22:06

Not unreasonable at all. My sister is the only person on earth I would ever do this for.

Itisbetter · 13/10/2020 22:06

I had many years of fertility treatment and then was luck enough to carry my children myself. I wouldn’t do it. I actually don’t think I could cope emotionally or physically. Your husband is very unreasonable if he thinks this is an option.

Clymene · 13/10/2020 22:06

No one should ask anyone to risk their life having a baby for them. No baby should be taken from its mother to satisfy someone else's desire to be a parent.

ScreamingBeans · 13/10/2020 22:07

It's astonishing that women talk about not wanting to put their bodies at the disposal of other people at immense risk to themselves both short and long term in terms of them being selfish or understanding why someone might be a bit hurt or upset that they would be willing to use their own body to do a favour to one person but not another.

It's a bit like saying how hurtful it is that you'd be prepared to shag this bloke down the road but not the one opposite.

Astonishing that it's still subconsciously considered so reasonable to dispense so freely with other human beings bodies, when those human beings are female.