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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 13/10/2020 22:07

I would do it for my child...though I can’t see the timing work for that.

SpilltheTea · 13/10/2020 22:08

I wouldn't either and that doesn't make you a horrible person. It's a very big ask, especially if you haven't had a great experience with pregnancy before. You could have said you wouldn't do it for anyone, but I also think your DH shouldn't have asked that question because it isn't relevant

Rtmhwales · 13/10/2020 22:08

I'd do it for my brother's wife, so he could be a parent. And also because her family is the nicest people in the world. I could easily see my brother's wife's sister giving my husband a kidney kind of nice family.

I wouldn't be a surrogate for my husband's sisters though, for all the reasons you listed.

Coffeecak3 · 13/10/2020 22:10

So you’re heavily pregnant and your dh and sil are lining you up as a maybe for surrogacy.
You were much more tactful than I would have been.

Leaannb · 13/10/2020 22:11

@PurpleDaisies

Also, your SIL raised it with your DH? Why? That's really dismissive to not even raise it with you in person.

Read the latest post from the op. It wasn’t a request for her to it. It was part of a conversation about how shit their situation is and what doctors have suggested might be a way forward. If you can’t have that conversation with your close sibling, who can you talk to?

Sil even mentioning OP to be a surrogate to her brother was way out of line. Thats called laying ground work
russelhobbs · 13/10/2020 22:11

YANBU. Your DH is an idiot. You don't need any tact about answering him bluntly, it's not HIM going through infertility. Perfectly normal to want to do things for your sister you wouldn't dream of doing for your in laws.

Russellbrandshair · 13/10/2020 22:13

@Coffeecak3

So you’re heavily pregnant and your dh and sil are lining you up as a maybe for surrogacy. You were much more tactful than I would have been.
Lol same!

Also- depending on what type of surrogacy you are going for, some fertility drugs increase the risk of ovarian cancers or issues later on (if you were using your own eggs). It’s really brutal on the body and not at all something that can be taken lightly or be called “selfish” in any way at all. I actually find it rather disgusting they were discussing you in this way as if you were some kind of brood mare.
I think that’s gross, no matter how desperate she is.

Campervan69 · 13/10/2020 22:15

YANBU how dare they even discuss the renting out of your body.

Maybe your husband could get himself a womb implant and carry the baby himself if he's so invested in the idea.

This is why I am completely against the idea of surrogacy. The pressure that people bring to bear upon family members even when there's no payment involved is unacceptable.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 22:15

@Clymene

I don't agree with surrogacy so I'm not arguing on that score, but what makes that person the mother?

If you're using the egg and sperm of the intended parents, and the woman is willingly doing it, without coercion or payment but through pure choice, then is she the mother? Or is the woman who gave her egg fertilised by her husband's sperm the mother?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/10/2020 22:15

Nice of your SiL and your DH to view your body as an incubator and to discuss this over your head, as though you're a machine rather than a sentient human with autonomy over what happens to YOUR own body. Then you wonder if you are the one being unreasonable? No, no, and NO.

I've experienced the pain of infertility and I do have sympathy with your SiL, but the situation you've detailed in your OP is so insensitive and callous as to be breathtaking. It's hard to put into words how furious and devastated I would be if my DH had such a conversation on my behalf. You're his wife, not a fucking baby-making production line he can hire out to others at will.

As to the PPs claiming you're unreasonable to stay you'd do it for your sister in a heartbeat, no again. What WAS unreasonable was that your husband probed his insensitive point even further by having the audacity to ask you that question. He heard what he deserved to hear. I'm not sure how he thought that could help: what difference does it make what you would or would not do in a hypothetical scenario for someone else? If he didn't want to hear the answer to his stupid, pointless question, then he shouldn't have asked.

The fact that you're pregnant right now makes it worse. It shows a callous disregard for your feelings and it's unbelievable he should have seen fit to put you in such a position - especially now.

Selfish cow, you are not. For me this might very well fall under the category of unforgiveable.

Flowers Flowers

ApplestheHare · 13/10/2020 22:16

YANBU. At all.

I'm sure most people would say the same.

Original poster
nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 22:17

@Coffeecak3 haha I did suggest that his timing could have been better, as I chewed down my third pack of rennies for the day. But honestly, if the recovery is anything like last time, the response to a conversation about surrogacy within 6 months of birth would have been less than friendly. I can see why he would want to scope the subject out now so that he can report back with a firm no!

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 13/10/2020 22:18

Completely unreasonable of your husband to put you in this position.

It may have been a comment made is desperation by your sil - but your husband showed very little locality, compassion or common sense .

I would do it in a heartbeat for my sister - no one else.

Pregnancy is a huge this, giving the baby up is a huge thing. Expecting you to do this for his s sister, and expecting you to feel the same for his sister and your own is ridiculous.

So may scarily here, you get injured again, you suffer ill health as a result, you lose precious time with your own children, you suffer post natal depression, your relationship with sil becomes strained, tour relationship it’s husband breaks down, and on and on

Sh needs to grow up

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2020 22:18

It's you who should be angry. What a ridiculous thing to ask. It should be up to you to offer - but I wouldn't for the obvious reason - giving up my baby to someone else would be impossible. That's on top of the health risks and general unpleasantness of pregnancy and its aftermath.

Russellbrandshair · 13/10/2020 22:18

If you're using the egg and sperm of the intended parents, and the woman is willingly doing it, without coercion or payment but through pure choice, then is she the mother? Or is the woman who gave her egg fertilised by her husband's sperm the mother

Actually, regardless off whose egg it was, in U.K. law, the “mother” is the person who gave birth to the child. That’s under U.K. law.

Ideasplease322 · 13/10/2020 22:19

Loyalty not locality!

russelhobbs · 13/10/2020 22:19

Doesn't matter even if you had the easiest pregnancies in the world or love being pregnant. That has no bearing on anything and still gives you the right to say nope, not doing that.

EmilySpinach · 13/10/2020 22:19

Of course YANBU in the slightest, but unless your sister is ever actually likely to be a surrogate it would have been kindest to tell a white lie.

Your DH isn't upset with you. He is (understandably) distressed by the sense of impotence that he can't help his sister.

ReallySpicyCurry · 13/10/2020 22:20

Not a snowball's chance in hell, and incredibly weird that they're discussing it like this, like you're an incubator that DH can lend to his sister.

How dare your DH get upset at your refusal. Both your DH and SIL sound weird as fuck

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2020 22:21

If you're using the egg and sperm of the intended parents, and the woman is willingly doing it, without coercion or payment but through pure choice, then is she the mother? Or is the woman who gave her egg fertilised by her husband's sperm the mother?

Legally it's the person who carries the baby that is the mother. They can decide to keep the baby if they want.

timeisnotaline · 13/10/2020 22:21

I can see why sil spoke to dh : Read the latest post from the op. It wasn’t a request for her to it. It was part of a conversation about how shit their situation is and what doctors have suggested might be a way forward. If you can’t have that conversation with your close sibling, who can you talk to?
Also remember from her perspective it’s quite likely that she thinks op breezes through pregnancies, so doesn’t fully get the ask. Some people seem to think I breeze through them when actually I’m miserably ill, lose weight and spend large chunks of the weekend in bed.

At heavily pregnant I’d be upset at my dh for being upset. I’d point out his sister spoke to him not me because the relationship isn’t the same, and that’s not even sisters. And honestly I’d be so mad he thought my body should be available! When going into labour I’d be all I can’t believe you think I should go through this for someone else, I’d like to see you give birth and you’d change your bloody tune.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 13/10/2020 22:22

OP, you seem to be ignoring posters asking why you even said you would do it for your sister? Tactless in the extreme.

I was with you right up until the last paragraph of your OP. I wouldn’t do surrogacy for anyone, not even my sisters, but I sure as well wouldn’t tell DH I would do it for my sister but not his when she’s suffering from infertility. That was pretty tactless.

And if your DH hoped you would say yes then he needs to keep his thoughts to himself too. It’s your body after all.

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2020 22:23

How dare your DH get upset at your refusal.

The op says he understood though. It doesn’t say he tried to guilt trip the op or persuade her to change her mind.

Not everyone can easily keep their emotions off their face.

LaraLuce · 13/10/2020 22:23

@Clymene

No one should ask anyone to risk their life having a baby for them. No baby should be taken from its mother to satisfy someone else's desire to be a parent.
This. 100%.

I think women and babies should be protected by all surrogacy being banned, like it is in France.

Your DH and SIL should never have even discussed it.

Runnerduck34 · 13/10/2020 22:24

Yanbu, being a surrogate is a huge deal. Of course its perfectly reasonable to say no.
No need to say you would feel differently if your sister asked you, she not asking.

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