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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 13/10/2020 22:47

I agree with the vast majority. You’ve got a bond with your sister in away you have not with your SIL. You care about her more and would go over and above for her in a way you wouldn’t for someone else and that’s completely fine. DH is cheeky for bribing it up! It’s a massive ask of someone!

IcedPurple · 13/10/2020 22:49

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option.

Been told by who? Assuming you live in Britain, surrogacy laws are (rightly) quite strict.

In any case, of course YANBU by not agreeing to be a brood mare for another woman. It's sad that she can't have children of her own, but children aren't a human right and nobody, absolutely nobody, is obliged to provide someone else with a baby.

Situations like this are one of the reasons I feel surrogacy should be banned in all its forms - including 'altruistic' surrogacy - just as it is in several European countries. But that may be for another discussion.

Mylittlepony374 · 13/10/2020 22:49

I can't believe anyone voted YABU. You are not. I would do it for a sister. Not a fucking chance in hell for my sister's in law.

Krampusasbabysitter · 13/10/2020 22:49

I'd have given my DH a short sharp kick in the balls for even suggesting that to me! What a bloody liberty!

saraclara · 13/10/2020 22:49

Nice of your SiL and your DH to view your body as an incubator and to discuss this over your head, as though you're a machine rather than a sentient human with autonomy over what happens to YOUR own body. Then you wonder if you are the one being unreasonable? No, no, and NO.

So many angry comments like this, that I really don't understand. OP's DH and his sis seem to simply have been having a heart to heart about her infertility, which must be agonising for her. I don't get the impression from the OP at all, that this was a direct request, or that either of them see her as a rent-a-womb. I can quite see that in an emotional conversation between siblings a casual question would come up about who might be a surrogate, after the doctor said what s/he did.

DH asked the OP what she thought, in general terms, not as an outright request. He accepted the no.
He should probably have left it there rather than letting the conversation develop, OP should maybe have told a white lie, and DH shouldn't have taken her truth personally.

But the conversation between siblings that led to this, I see nothing wrong with at all. I really don't understand all the ranting about it on here.

SpaceOP · 13/10/2020 22:50

Amazing to me how a woman is being told she's being tactless because she was honest with her husband that she wouldn't want to put her body at risk, and inconvenience herself for 9 months for her SIL. Why on earth do we think that a woman must be so kind all the time? I mean, sure, perhaps not to say this to SIL directly, but come on?

I also think that assuming the conversation between SIL and DH just evolved, SIL mentioning it was a lot less intrusive than putting OP on the spot.

It's all moot anyway. I looked into surrogacy years and years ago and from memory, the conditions for someone to be a surrogate are pretty strict - you need tone super healthy, within a certain age group, have had no history of tricky pregnancies, be confirmed that you've completed your own family etc.

Hopefully your DH was just responding instinctively with understandable emotion and will remember soon that this is YOUR body and you get to decide. And will also remember soon that the risks to you are significant and that he doesn't want to lose his wife to help his sister.

SorryAuntLydia · 13/10/2020 22:51

[quote nervousnelly8]@Howlooseisyourgoose sorry didn't mean to ignore. He asked and I told him the truth. It possibly was tactless, but my sister is younger and has not TTC yet. If she were to end up in the same horrible situation as SIL is, I know I would help if I could.[/quote]
@nervousnelly8
Would you really though? Honestly, I’d like to be sensitive because you’re pregnant right now and you’ve had birth injuries before. But would you really risk your health, the wellbeing of your family, the mental health of your kids and yourself, just so you could give away your baby to your sister? Can you really imagine just passing it over and saying crack on with the parenting then? And if she moved away or you fell out, then never seeing that D.C. again?

Surrogacy is always damaging for the child. Sounds like it could also be damaging for you too.

Your SiL is a CF. Any woman who discusses this with the man rather than the assumed receptacle is seriously taking the piss.

And if your DH thinks pregnancy and childbirth are so easy, he’s definitely not paying you enough attention right now. That’s one big hole he needs to dig himself out of before your due date. Tell him to quit sulking, man up and make it up to you.

saraclara · 13/10/2020 22:52

Interesting that MN is usually really sympathetic to those with fertility problems, yet without knowing anything at all about the tone of the conversation between SIL and her brother, most people here seem to assume the worst of her.

Are SILs the new MILs on here?

TheNewLook · 13/10/2020 22:53

Oh my god, you are not a brood mare for these people to hire out. Disgusting that any of them would even consider it was appropriate to have that conversation with you.

You do not owe any part of your body or it’s functions to anyone.

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2020 22:54

I totally agree @saraclara.

The op wasn’t unreasonable for saying no at all but I don’t understand why the dh has been totally ripped apart in the way that he has.

TheNewLook · 13/10/2020 22:54

I am also strongly morally opposed to surrogacy (and egg donation) but that’s a different question really.

ScreamingBeans · 13/10/2020 22:54

Being sympathetic to women who are infertile or having problems TTC does not mean anyone has to be sympathetic to the idea that other women's bodies should be at the disposal of men and women who have fertility problems.

I can be sympathetic to someone who can't get laid, without believing that women should be made available for them to masturbate into.

EmilySpinach · 13/10/2020 22:54

Amazing to me how a woman is being told she's being tactless because she was honest with her husband that she wouldn't want to put her body at risk, and inconvenience herself for 9 months for her SIL. Why on earth do we think that a woman must be so kind all the time? I mean, sure, perhaps not to say this to SIL directly, but come on?

That’s not the tactless bit. DH shouldn’t have asked if she’d do it for anyone else and OP could have lied and said no.

Everything’s very black and white on MN when you’ve had a gin and want a good cathartic rant but that’s not much use to the OP who has to live in these relationships.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 22:54

@Clymene

I'm not talking about the law or the language used. I'm talking about a situation like this, in a family or very very close friend group where one woman has agreed to carry the child of another they are very close with. Not for financial reasons, not because they feel guilted or forced into it but because they have chosen to do it. Would you say "that baby is being taken away from it's mother" if these were people you knew?

Again, I'm in the "surrogacy is bad" camp because more often than not its financial or forced and carries far too many risks which people often dont actually consider with any real expectation of them happening. But in this sort of situation, I wouldn't say the baby is "being taken from it's mother".

RandomMess · 13/10/2020 22:56

I considered donating eggs until I looked into it, the health risks of that are costly. Surrogacy is another level plus the emotional side!

ScreamingBeans · 13/10/2020 22:56

The DH has been ripped apart because he has behaved in a way that indicates that he subconsciously assumes his wife's body is there for somebody's use.

It's uncomfortable for human beings to feel that people view you as a useful tool.

WhereamI88 · 13/10/2020 22:56

Be kind, be bloody kind! I am sick of women being told to be kind, when their boundaries are being well and truly trampled all over. Nobody has a right to expect kindness, tact, or any other sort of soft soaping when they are requesting access to another person's body.

This 100%

IcedPurple · 13/10/2020 22:56

@ScreamingBeans

Being sympathetic to women who are infertile or having problems TTC does not mean anyone has to be sympathetic to the idea that other women's bodies should be at the disposal of men and women who have fertility problems.

I can be sympathetic to someone who can't get laid, without believing that women should be made available for them to masturbate into.

Exactly.

It's sad that some people are infertile, but many of us have to live with unfortunate situations in life. It doesn't give them the right to use another woman's body to get what they want. Ever.

madcatladyforever · 13/10/2020 22:56

My sister wanted me to have one for her but I'm 60 with all kinds of health problems and I know I'd probably be unable to work afterwards and I can't afford not to. I feel pretty bad too OP but it's not realistic.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 22:56

@saraclara

I can be sympathetic to those struggling with infertility issues. But that's an entirely different thing from someone considering renting a womb. I dont need to feel sympathetic to that idea in order to feel for them in their fertility struggles.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/10/2020 22:57

So many angry comments like this, that I really don't understand.

You're right. You clearly don't.

TheNewLook · 13/10/2020 22:57

I love my sister too but I would never be a surrogate for anyone. I could never give up a child I had grown from my own flesh and blood - no matter who provided the egg.

Babies aren't fruit trees. You don't merely plant a pip and hey presto the sunshine and earth magically do the rest.
A human, a woman, creates every cell of that human from her blood, her bones, her organs, her body, after that embryo implants. The genetic material is a blueprint. But the child is entirely OF her body, OF HER.

ScreamingBeans · 13/10/2020 22:59

But in this sort of situation, I wouldn't say the baby is "being taken from it's mother".

I disagree. No one knows how they will feel about a baby before it's born. Remember all those tales of women before the 80's who were forced to give up their babies to adoption and spent a lifetime wondering where their kids were and wishing they hadn't had to have them adopted?

You might enter into a surrogacy arrangement in good faith and when it came to it, not be able to bear handing the baby you've grown and born over to someone else. Without ever expecting to feel that way.

burglarbettybaby · 13/10/2020 23:01

Your sil and dh are being disgraceful actually. Particularly with all you are going through- this stage of pregnancy. A huge big fuck off wouldn't go amiss

ittakes2 · 13/10/2020 23:01

I think it was really bad form of your hubby to ask you that question - like he knew that you would be honest and say your sister and make you feel guilty about not doing the same for his sister. It’s your body and your life for goodness sake. Very selfish and unkind of him to put you in this position.
People can ask - there is nothing wrong with his sister raising the subject for all she knows you might have been prepared to. But being pregnant takes a toll on your body and you should feel no guilt in saying no.