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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider surrogacy for SIL when I would for my sister?

391 replies

nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:32

DH's sister has longstanding fertility problems. She has been told surrogacy would be her best option. DH and I were discussing today whether I would consider acting as a surrogate in future (she hasn't asked me directly but has raised it with DH).

I came down pretty firmly on the no side. I'm currently very pregnant with DC2 and I do not enjoy pregnancy. I had bad birth injuries with DC1 and am very apprehensive about going through it again, but know it will be worth it if we get a healthy baby out at the end.

Selfishly, I just don't feel willing to but my body through a pregnancy/birth for SIL, with all the risks that it entails. We're not sure yet if we would like more children after DC2, so that plays a part too.

DH asked if I would be willing to do it for anyone else. And the honest answer was that I would do it for my own sister. I would do anything for my sister. DH understood but was visibly upset, and I now feel like a selfish cow. AIBU?

OP posts:
IDontMindMarmite · 13/10/2020 21:45

I don't think I would be a surrogate for anyone btw, even my sister.

EdinaMonsoon · 13/10/2020 21:45

In fairness to your DH, I can understand him being upset for his sister. He must feel stuck in the middle and it must be hard for him to see his sister's struggles with fertility whilst he is about to become a father for the second time. HOWEVER, I agree that the conversation should have gone along the lines of ... SIL mentions that she is considering surrogacy and then IF you were open to offering that would have been your opportunity - either in the moment or to have gone away and thought about it and approached her. I'm torn. She must be feeling desperate and in those situations we don't always think comprehensively about the impact of our needs or wants on others. But, that's a lot of emotional baggage to put upon a family member. If you say no is that going to cause a rift in the family? I'm not saying that would be justified at all, BTW. Far from it. It is your right to say no and you don't have to provide a reason.

In terms of your AIBU to do it for your sister and not SIL... rightly or wrongly I think I would feel the same.

boarboar · 13/10/2020 21:45

I have lots of feeling about surrogacy in general but I would do it for my sister. I wouldn't do it for anyone else though.

2020iscancelled · 13/10/2020 21:46

YANBU to decide who is the most important people are in your life and what you would do for them. Your sister is clearly extremely important and close to you. Your SIL is not on the same level. Your DH and her may have a very close relationship and he may believe HE would do anything for her but that does not and should not extend to YOU doing anything for her. Especially when it is as personal as using your body to grow a person.

He’s entitled to feel upset that you / him can not help his sister with this but he’s not entitled to place the upset at your door.

Regarding his sister talking to DH about it - if in hypothetical terms I’d probably just let this go but if there was some serious intent behind the conversation then I would be expecting DH to put her straight and end any speculation that you should be involved.

katy1213 · 13/10/2020 21:46

That's not selfish. (I wouldn't do it for my sister!) Your husband is a twit and your sister-in-law is beyond presumptuous to have raised it with him.

FlatandFabulous · 13/10/2020 21:48

One of my dad's favourite sayings was "blood is thicker than water" which was slightly ironic as my sister and I are both adopted but I got what he meant. There are things I would definitely only do for my sister so I think YANBU but as you have already acknowledged a bit more tact might have been appropriate, good luck with the baby.

Carminabubu · 13/10/2020 21:49

YANBU for refusal. YABU for saying you would do it for your sister in a heartbeat. It was tactless.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/10/2020 21:49

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not want to do this. You wont love your sister in law like you do your sister etc and that's normal.

But I can understand why your husband was upset. Maybe he shouldn't have asked you and maybe you shouldn't have told him the truth...from his point of view if he is close to his sister it must be very upsetting that he can't help her and knowing that you would help your sister and not his, whilst logical, is still upsetting because it's a very emotive subject. He should definitely not use it against you though or try and argue that your feelings are not valid, that would be massively unreasonable

PullTheBricksDown · 13/10/2020 21:49

I'm dismayed that medics are now talking up surrogacy as some kind of mainstream 'option'. It's really not going to be that for the vast majority of people in this position and it puts other women under unacceptable pressure.

Your DH has taken this 'solution' on board with surprising ease. Ask him to think about how he would actually feel watching you carry another man's child, give birth to that child, then hand it over.

Lindtnotlint · 13/10/2020 21:50

You haven’t done anything wrong. (Though it might have been cunning not to mention your sister!). But I wouldn’t start judging and blaming your SIL. First, because she is having a pretty shit time, so just be kind where you can. Second, because you don’t really know how she raised it- I don’t think it so awful to gently raise with your own brother when trying to suss out a hard set of choices whether there might be a prospect of help (as long as you clearly accept the answer no!!).

TerribleCustomerCervix · 13/10/2020 21:50

How did she raise it with your DH?

I’d do anything for my sister, we’re very close. However, I can’t square the circle that is- how in every other situation is the worst possible outcome that a newborn needs to be removed from its birth mother- excepting a surrogacy situation?

When I think of the absolute ball ache that is pregnancy, Labour, birth injuries, rock hard, painful boobs after the birth and no where for the milk to go... even putting aside my moral reservations with surrogacy, I know I wouldn’t put my body at risk for anyone other than my sister.

PuppyMonkey · 13/10/2020 21:50

WTF? OP is not the one who needs “a bit more tact” in this scenario.

CaptainVanesHair · 13/10/2020 21:50

I would do it for my sister. I would do it for one of my oldest friends and his husband. But no one else. This is a boundary you’re perfectly entitled to have, yanbu in the slightest.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/10/2020 21:51

FWIW I think sussing it out indirectly via her brother is actually a better way to handle it than just blindsiding you with it one day. I suspect the “she should only say it to you directly” people are the type of people who also say things like “no is a complete sentence” and “did you mean to be so rude”.

It’s not like she passed him a twenty page contract for you to sign!

Just don’t bring your sister into it. It’s not relevant, it’ll never be relevant, and you don’t actually know what you’d do. But you know what you want to do in this circumstance.

VestaTilley · 13/10/2020 21:52

Absolutely do not do this.

I don’t agree with surrogacy anyway on ethical grounds, even altruistic, but if your body suffers in pregnancy then absolutely not.

GarlicSoup · 13/10/2020 21:52

@LightTheFlameThrower

If your DH wants to carry a baby for his sister he is very welcome too. Failing that he can fuck off.
^ This, well said @LightTheFlameThrower
GeorgeDavidson · 13/10/2020 21:53

I would for my sister and I would not for my SIL. I think many women would feel that way h less they were particularly close to their SIL.
You owe no-one an explanation on this one. It’s a MASSIVE thing to do for someone. Your body, your choice

Mother2princess · 13/10/2020 21:53

I agree with you personally wouldn’t do it for my sil

EL8888 · 13/10/2020 21:53

YANBU it was a ridiculous ask. Your sister is quite different to your SIL. It’s a terrible question and expectation of you

We have fertility issues but wouldn’t go around asking people to be our surrogate Confused

Carminabubu · 13/10/2020 21:54

@PuppyMonkey

WTF? OP is not the one who needs “a bit more tact” in this scenario.
She does actually. Having seen a few infertility cases around me, I can completely understand how shit it must feel for her SIL to be around someone who is pregnant and has what SIL would give anything to have. Don’t forget that she must have felt quite desperate to ask like this. So OP was insensitive in immediately saying that she would do it for her sister (let the second baby come and we will see OP 😂).
randomsabreuse · 13/10/2020 21:54

I found pregnancy with DC2 so much harder physically than with DC1 so no way would I put my family through the limitations that me being pregnant caused.

Plus explaining surrogacy to other DC...

I can't imagine being pregnant and dealing with both my DC - they're fast and quite physical (2 and 5).

Actually being pregnant is my biggest reason for not having another child!

EmpressoftheMundane · 13/10/2020 21:54

Cheeky of your SIL to ask and to put your husband in the middle. Would she ask for a kidney? Pregnancy is no joke.

In retrospect, it was probably insensitive to tell your husband that you would do it for your own sister. I think it’s understandable and not unreasonable, but your husband is under emotional strain and caught in the middle, do this just makes it more painful for him.

NoParticularPattern · 13/10/2020 21:55

I don’t think your position is unusual- regarding the yes for your sister but no for your SIL I mean. I would be the same. I guess it’s that for most people your sister is your family and despite probably falling out over the years you do generally get on abs love each other. Whereas a SIL is often someone you would never choose to have to socialise with but she’s your DHs sister so you have to. I know I would never choose any of my SILs to be friends with- that’s not to say I don’t like them (although true of two) but despite being perfectly lovely people they aren’t the same as my good friends or my own family. I’d obviously be very upset if they were ill or dying, but I don’t think it would compare to how upset my husband would be nor how upset I’d be if it were my own sister. Basically I don’t think most people would regard their in laws with the same care they show for their husband/wife. Some people might and that’s great, but I expect for most people they were an addition rather than the main consideration

EL8888 · 13/10/2020 21:55

@PullTheBricksDown l call bullshit. I find it hard to believe a medic suggested this

Original poster
nervousnelly8 · 13/10/2020 21:55

I'm not sure exactly what was said when it was raised, but I think it was in a "discussion of the options" type conversation rather than as a direct request. DH didn't come to me and say "SIL wants you to be a surrogate" - it was part of a conversation about how he is finding it hard to see his sister struggling.

OP posts:
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