Page 7 | To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

changednamealways · 2020-10-13T19:49:38+00:00

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

flaviaritt · 14/10/2020 07:30

Maybe call social services and get their kids taken into care seeing as they don't want them?!

Social services are there to help families in need. If you don’t enjoy being a parent but your kids are well, fed and happy, nobody would dream of intervening. Don’t be silly.

Cam2020 · 14/10/2020 07:31

Bit baffled by the attitude that everyone will eventually hate motherhood and if you don’t then your kids aren’t old enough yet.

Or that you're deluded, lying or have low self esteem!

I just see so many people who should never have had children in these posts!

Crayolo · 14/10/2020 07:33

Like anything, people are more likely to post about negative experiences, same as when people write reviews. Also its a safe space for many to say how they feel without feeling like they'll be judged by family and friends etc. So I wouldn't say it's surprising, if you love it then you probably don't need to post for support.

ReeseWitherfork · 14/10/2020 07:37

Or that you're deluded, lying or have low self esteem!

Yes absolutely. They don’t see a way that anyone could ever not hate it. And yet this OP is criticised for not being empathetic or seeing others POV

The happiest people are those who can be grateful for what they have, embrace the efforts that come with their daily lives and don't just live for seeking easy pleasures.

I think this is true. That doesn’t mean everyone has the ability to embrace it, but that doesn’t make it less true.

namechange202086 · 14/10/2020 07:39

If your eldest is only 3 then you haven't a clue how you'll cope with older children/teens. That's great you are loving it now but that might not be the case with a toddler and preschooler or two teens.

Crayolo · 14/10/2020 07:40

I have seen and heard how appalling in every possible way people’s lives are once they chose to force someone into existence on a dying planet for their own whims

On the flip side of not everyone loving it, of course not everyone hates it either. Absolutely reasonable to form opinion from others experiences, but you can't really speak as an authority other than for me it sounds like hell, which is fair enough. But of course not everyones life is appalling in every way, even those who struggle or dislike aspects don't neccessarily hate every moment. It's almost as if people are individuals with different experiences, thoughts, likes and dislikes- shocking eh. I would love to see everyone supported, included those who enjoy it.

Crayolo · 14/10/2020 07:42

If your eldest is only 3 then you haven't a clue how you'll cope with older children/teens. That's great you are loving it now but that might not be the case with a toddler and preschooler or two teens.

Hate shit like this as well, no one knows what the future holds, the world could end tomorrow, who knows what ever else can happen between then and now, and you could say to the parent on a teen they have no idea what it'll be like with a 30 year old. What's wrong with someone enjoying parenthood at the moment? It's fine whether people like or dislike it.

Soupcon · 14/10/2020 07:45

@ReeseWitherfork

Or that you're deluded, lying or have low self esteem!

Yes absolutely. They don’t see a way that anyone could ever not hate it. And yet this OP is criticised for not being empathetic or seeing others POV

The happiest people are those who can be grateful for what they have, embrace the efforts that come with their daily lives and don't just live for seeking easy pleasures.

I think this is true. That doesn’t mean everyone has the ability to embrace it, but that doesn’t make it less true.

What a sanctimonious post. You don’t need empathy or for someone to ‘see your POV’ on this because you enjoy parenthood.

I love having a child, but I’m far from believing that my feelings are compulsory or universal. Or that other people’s experience mirrors, or should mirror mine.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 14/10/2020 07:46

If you asked me 6 years ago I would've said it is indeed shit. DD didn't eat,sleep or talk which was the cause of much frustration,worry,stress,anxiety and tears. OH was pretty shit as well. I had 3 years of that shit.

Now things are immensely better, DD is a really good kid(still doesn't eat great but hey ho), OH is a much better and supportive dad and partner and things are good most of the times.

It's all about circumstances, and this year has been really shit for a lot of people with no respite. If you can't see or imagine that, you're either very limited in your life experience or wilfully ignorant.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 07:48

What should mothers who do feel being a parent is shit do then? Keep their feelings/thoughts to themselves untill one day they explode? Surely it's better they can vent online, then get back on with life feeling a little less alone?

Practice mindfulness. Learn to find joy in effort and that anything we do for our kids is an investment for them and for us, and that in many way is the purpose of life.

flaviaritt · 14/10/2020 07:49

Practice mindfulness. Learn to find joy in effort and that anything we do for our kids is an investment for them and for us, and that in many way is the purpose of life.

Oh my god.

K00kiEe · 14/10/2020 07:51

Practice mindfulness. Learn to find joy in effort and that anything we do for our kids is an investment for them and for us, and that in many way is the purpose of life

Are you being serious?

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 07:54

It's all about circumstances, and this year has been really shit for a lot of people with no respite. If you can't see or imagine that, you're either very limited in your life experience or wilfully ignorant
This year has been for people in this country what it is like for many mother's in this world all their lives. Yet if you go to such coutries, you see much happier mothers and kids.

It's not about how much you have and how easy you life is, on the opposite, it's about accepting your life as it, making the most of it, and valuing what you have.

It doesn't mean you have to think that Parenthood is amazing every day, but about accepting that it is both the most demanding but rewarding activity.

ReeseWitherfork · 14/10/2020 07:56

What a sanctimonious post. You don’t need empathy or for someone to ‘see your POV’ on this because you enjoy parenthood.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I agree that you don’t need empathy or for someone to see your POV. I was saying that OP is being criticised for this whilst simultaneously being told she is deluded for not hating motherhood.

namechange202086 · 14/10/2020 07:57

Crayola There is nothing wrong with enjoying things in the moment but worth remembering to have some empathy for others who are struggling.

Of course, It's fine to have different opinions and I didn't say it wasn't.

rainyoutside · 14/10/2020 07:57

I don’t believe them, to be honest.

A few years ago it was ‘my DS wants to wear a Frozen dress to his friends house.’ Now it’s ‘I hate being a mum.’

They inevitably get an overwhelming number of responses and sympathy and lots of your sound lovely’ posts.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 07:58

Are you being serious?
Very serious but unless you learn to appreciate things for what they are, you'll never get it.

In the end, no one else but one self can change how they feel about being a parent. So you either try and hopefully become happier whilst raising well adjusted kids, or you keep on feeling sorry for yourself, oy seeing the negatives and remain miserable whilst raising kids likely to become an emotional mess in adulthood.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 14/10/2020 08:01

This is quite an insensitive thread. Of course people who are having a bad day or struggling in general are more likely to post looking for support because these feelings can't be discussed easily in real life. If everything's going pretty well for you and you're happy enough you're not likely to need support so won't make a post about it.

If you have no real problems in your life then parenting can seem easy. Other people face challenging circumstances. I don't think the fact that they're struggling means they're moping or feeling sorry for themselves. It means they're genuinely struggling to cope. If you're situation is good and you can't spare any empathy for them - fine don't comment but there's no need to be smug about it.

RationalOne · 14/10/2020 08:07

Because.... some people don't have easy lives.....because some people find life hard.....because some people suffer lifelong mental illness not one that has gone and so they now feel judgemental of others who 'moan' - afterall you got over PND so know all about depression

MN is a place for people to vent or to see if their experience is shared. Maybe someone who responding gave the OP a little bit of hope/a lifeline/understanding.... who knows

Ratatcat · 14/10/2020 08:08

So much depends on personal circumstances including: number, age, personality and health of kids, wealth, number of parents, grandparent support, level and type of jobs.

My children bring me a lot of joy but there are aspects of parenting that are dull or stressful for me. I don’t believe anyone that loves 100% of their parenting experience but I also find it really sad if people hate it all too

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 08:13

If you have no real problems in your life then parenting can seem easy
Be sure it is not about having an easy or hard life, it's about accepting that parenting is hard, routine and thankless at times, but that this is ok because you can still find some happiness within that routine.

It's up to individuals to find an activity mind boring or to actually get into it, do the best they can and realise that although not providing that glowing good feeling like a few glasses of wine gives you, there will still be some rewards and feel good factors in it.

Sceptre86 · 14/10/2020 08:15

I have noticed it too and can totally understand why. There are so many parents on here who are out with their kids everyday be it just walks or going to several groups, both for their own benefit and for their children. During the height of the lockdown they couldn't do this so for them it was difficult as they felt they were going crazy at home. For someone like me who usually potters about with the kids at home and has a garden it was easier. My kids are 3 and 4 and don't go to many groups yet ( apart from babyballet which moved online). I can also afford to buy craft stuff and we already do a lot of that anyway as well as baking, making dens etc. I have the space to do this, the inclination and the money to be able to buy additional things that would make our lives easier.

We do not rely on grandparents or baby sitters for childcare so we are used to taking care of our own kids all the time ( aside from when they are at preschool) so it wasn't a trial having them home all the time. If you do rely on other people for childcare then of course a time where that wasn't possible would be difficult. Having to plan things differently and balance work etc is difficult at the best of times anyway.

We stuck to our regular routine as much as we could. The kids were home with their dad whilst I went out to work who was wfh as best he could, they spent far too much time plonked in front of a tablet or TV but needs must. When I was home I did the fun stuff we would usually do. I did a lot of work with my 4 year old as she is atarting school next year and she has come on a treat. I have the ability to do this technology to help and could afford to buy a printer to help.

My kids have a small age gap and the first year was really hard and at times, shit for me personally. It got better and they are a joy to be around. Yes a lot of parenting is mundane, I do not really care to play with dollies or action figures (thankfully my two entertain each other) but it is rewarding in my case. My kids were very much wanted and I take the bad bits and choose to focus on the positive bits more. I also have a fantastic partner in dh that makes my life easier.

choli · 14/10/2020 08:16

Lockdown is causing honesty to break out.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/10/2020 08:17

So you started a thread about a thread asking why d sad one people really dislike the tedious repetitive nature of parenting? And when people have explained, you only agree with those who agree with you?
That's as bad as people who think parenting is tedious and repetitive, only agreeing with others who have views like theirs and refusing to acknowledge that not everyone feels like them,

It's a tad hypocritical op, no? 😂😂😂

corythatwas · 14/10/2020 08:18

This is, among other things, a support forum. A place where people go for help and a listening ear. That is also why we have such a high proportion of parents of children with SN. Would you go on a thread about them and say "I really don't see why other people complain their children can't walk or talk, surely it's not as difficult as that to get a child to walk, can't they just practise mindfulness"?

Some people do struggle with parenting. This is the place they can go to say that and find out they are not alone.

Otoh I also dislike the suggestion that everybody has to struggle in the same way. I don't go on here to say "ha, ha, if your child doesn't need a wheelchair it's just because they're not old enough, just you wait and see!"

And oh, it was not different in the past: women found places (whether in the alleyway with their neighbours or in writing) to meet up and talk about their own experiences. Plenty of people talking about how hard life is in the Middle Ages, Early Modern period, Victorian Age etc etc. People need to vent. They always have. The kindest thing is to listen.