To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

I do get what you mean OP, but you keep normalising your husband doing nothing for the kids he chose to have because your job is part time and "less important". I think you have some pretty inbuilt misogynistic views you need to see sense about. Having a full time job is hard work. Looking after two kids (let alone disabled kids) for those office hours is equally hard work. Kids are 24/7 and a job isn't, so the rest of the time should be split between you both. Nobody should have two children without expecting to have to raise them alongside doing their job.

The fuck wit husbands always have a more pressurised job.

Your post has brought a tear to my eye OP. It's bloody hard. I think if someone had told me I would have turned a 'blind ear' to them though. I do enjoy my children having fun and we do laugh. But it's a relentless bloody slog apart from that. Today I have had to take a half day off work because nursery closed. The work will still be waiting for me tomorrow though so it's just stressed me out. I have walked up and down the big hill on nursery/school runs (separate times) eight times in the pouring rain. I pondered on how my life had become working, washing and walking up and down hills in the rain. And then bed with the baby at 6:30, breastfeeding all night so trapped in bed, up at 6 and it starts again. It's a relentless bloody grind.

Then some awful stuff happened between dc1 and dc2 that I hadn’t really processed and dc2 almost died when they were born

Get some therapy to process this

On the weekend go out for a walk and leave dh with the dc

Do you think of harming the dc or yourself?
Speak to gp

What about moving out and leaving them with dh? Why not? What keeps you there?

@aSofaNearYou

I do get what you mean OP, but you keep normalising your husband doing nothing for the kids he chose to have because your job is part time and "less important". I think you have some pretty inbuilt misogynistic views you need to see sense about. Having a full time job is hard work. Looking after two kids (let alone disabled kids) for those office hours is equally hard work. Kids are 24/7 and a job isn't, so the rest of the time should be split between you both. Nobody should have two children without expecting to have to raise them alongside doing their job.

I agree. This isn’t about people not telling you having kids is “shit” because many of us dont agree it is! This is about you not accepting that your husband is “shit”- because he’s certainly behaving like one.

It is awful. And it’s hard work. You deserve a break, your husband isn’t at work 24/7 so why should you be? Have two evenings off a week and lock yourself in your room with supplies (and earplugs) or leave your house for the evenings you have off.

You’re not finding it difficult because you’re broken, you’re finding it difficult because it is difficult.

If ypur ds has SEN get more support
Speak to gp znd docial services childrrn with disabilities
Consider residential boarding school for him
Or family link part time foster carers

But dong let dh get awayvwith doing nothing

You owe it to your kids to give them a good life, to raise them and teach them and so does your DH. You brought them into this world and you need to put the effort in. It is boring and dull at times but Sometiems you need to look at it as a job and get on with it and do boring things which will benefit the kids. There must be something you can enjoy with them.

I mean a blind eye. God I'm tired!

No I don't I mean a deaf ear. Ffs.

@Spinakker wow how rude!! You have absolutely no idea!!

OP, what would happen if you stood up to DH?

What are you scared of - being left with the DC, losing the other adult in your life...

I think a real make or break for whether it’s shit having kids is whether your partner is shit.

If you had another adult sharing the load and doing their half of the parenting you might have space for some joy, but you don’t. You have a shit partner who doesn’t care enough to step up. No wonder you find it so relentless

Sorry OP that sounds really difficult. I think one thing to prioritize is the bedtime. Why are they going to bed so late? I'd invest all my energy in getting them to bed at a more reasonable time, or at least be in their rooms reading or having pre bed down time. An hour or two in the evening to be yourself is the difference between enjoying parenthood and a mental breakdown, for almost every parent I know.

Childless here... I think I have some idea of how much work it is because I have a nephews and used to child-mind but of course I don't really.

I've found when staying with them that there is a lot of tedious repetitive stuff, lots of needing help, lots of tears etc. but there is also lovely stuff like watching them develop, helping them to learn about the world and sometimes days out with them can be so much better than the same trip without them. I know that it's quite different when you never get a break though- maybe you need to sit down with your DH and ask him to help/co-parent a lot more!!!

I don't know. I find the shit bits come in waves and are more noticeable for me when

1. They are very young
2. They're ill, or I am
3. I haven't had time to myself for a while

I'm a single parent of two, 9 and 3 years old. No SEN. Some days are a shitshow and some are pretty good. The 3 year old recently got easier for me, with communication having improved.

The SEN and therefore later bedtimes are probably really making it worse for you OP I rely on the fact that they get to bed fairly early, and also that I work from home alone or I would go mad parenting all day, like during lockdown.

I had a child with SN (physical disability, chronic pain and MH issues) and one who was always bottom of the class. No help with child-minding or similar: all my family live abroad and dh's were already failing and needed more help from us than they could offer.

Difference was, I had a husband who pulled his weight. And actually, that made all the difference.

When I was comforting a vomiting child at 2 o'clock in the morning, he'd be there cleaning the bed. When I was in hospital with one child, he'd be looking after the other, communicating the school, and running the house. When dc were being particularly difficult we could look at each other over their heads and make a face.

It also made it easier to be firm. Dd was great at clinging to my leg howling when I tried to get out of the house, but dh would be there peeling her off and telling me firmly to GO.

As time went on, I also got better at sorting problems into really big ones and ones that appeared big. Ds struggled at school and eventually had to redo his maths GCSE 4 times, but he is holding down a job and is looking into training for a trade, he has grown into a fine young man, and the time spent worrying that he wasn't university material (or whatever it was I did worry about, I'm not sure I even know) was pretty well time wasted.

Also agree with QforCucumber working and having a fun life outside of being a mum is essential for my mental health and wellbeing.

DS1 has ASD and dyspraxia. He generally functions at quite a high level... until he doesn't and even though the impact of ASD is lighter on us than many families, just having the ASD diagnosis is recognition that at any level the difference in behaviour has a significant impact on life. And it's wearing. Behaviours that most children grow out of persist. DS2 is quite ditzy too and I suspect there may be something more mildly neuro diverse there. It's draining having to think in triplicate over trivial stuff all the time, and when DS1 is in one of those moods, he doesn't snap out of it, it's like treading on eggshells. DS2 is so much easier to defuse.

So you're ground down and this year has deprived you of the usual respite that probably keeps you ticking over (school/ grandparents), and it takes a good while to get over burn out anyway.

As PPs have said, there is probably depression in there, and that is the easiest sticking plaster to address and stands a good chance of helping you deal with the deeper issues.

The shit dad/ husband needs dealing with. He needs to do his fair share, and his responsibilities putting back on him.
Tell him you are going away for a night or two and do it. You don't need permission, and what else is he going to be doing at present. Hotels are avaliable. You don't have to go far, just a quiet room for sleep and peace with no obligations.
If you do not have fair access to money, then financial abuse may be an issue. (Appologies if it's not financially viable for either of you).

You need some SEN support. Some of the crappy answers by the happily child-free or parents of NT children show how many people clearly don't get it. Even if it's just venting on the SEN board for some relief on here. FB groups can be good too. Face to face even better, but may be logistically tough at present.

These are tough times and you have multuple factors that make it unsuprising that it's a struggle right now

Parenting isn't easy and no one knows that they've got a SN child on order, and it can take years of additional strain before even getting a diagnosis!

If ypur ds has SEN get more support
Speak to gp znd docial services childrrn with disabilities
Consider residential boarding school for him
Or family link part time foster carers

There aren’t specialist residential places just sitting waiting, even if you wanted to send your child away. There is precious little support available and social services are stretched to where only the most significant, urgent need is in any way met, usually when the child is a serious danger to themselves and others.

It’s really hard to understand the utter lack of support and services available to parents whose children have mild to moderate difficulties.

Ok plan of action OP

1. chat to your GP, you sound depressed
2. on the oldest child and SEn explore all help, including medical for bowel movements, he may have an undiagnosed issue if it’s only happening once a week
3. issue you are getting the right support from the school
4. you have to find time for yourself, even if just for a walk. Yoga is a great idea.

@DumDaDumDum I am TTC and wouldn’t if I knew my OH would be lazy with the
childcare

Have a look at some of the other threads. Post after post after post of “he turned into an asshole AFTER the baby was born”. Good luck! If I were you I’d strongly reconsider.

You sound depressed, please go to GP and get the help you need.

Regarding your child having toileting accidents my 11 year ASD daughter is the same. From my research its a known issue with ASD children that they get the signal they need the toilet at the last minute which can lead to accidents. They can also have sluggish bowels. My daughter has been on lactulose since she was v little and that seems to help with constipation and its usually when we have forgotten to give it to her that she has an accident (bowel and/or bladder). The other thing that helps her is going to the chiropractor once a year or so for 5-6 sessions. Seems to do the trick. I suppose what I am saying is that accidents do happen and although its difficult when you know they should be well passed that age, sometimes they just can help it.

Please get the support you obviously need. Parenthood can be utterly shit but you need to be able to talk to someone about it xx

I'd say many people who choose not to have children do so because of the relentless tedium, squabbling and noise.
But you had 2 OP? What made you try for the 2nd? Sorry, haven't read the whole thread. My sympathies, it sounds hard. I hope you can find a way to share the burden with your DH.

Why didn't you stop at one child? Or didn't you realise how much you hated parenting then?