To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

Oh
‘Dheould never agree to it’

You have a crap and controlling partner problem.

What’s your access to money like? Do you get to see friends? What about family? What would he do if you got a hobby and went out one night a week?

I get it too. I love my kids more than life, but let's face it, we spend around 70% of our lives doing stuff we'd rather not be doing.
Motherhood = servitude

@Boredandexhausted

I think I should have stopped at one. I think one was my limit. I just didn’t realise it unfortunately.

Me too

I am a single parent with an SEN child and another older one. I get it. I do try and I love my kids but I find it really difficult

I can totally relate to your post, in fact I could have written it. My dh does nothing, he stays in bed asleep every morning while I get the children up, ready and out. Apparently i don't tell him what needs doing in the morning or wake him. Who wakes me ! I have 2 with SEN, dh doesn't understand it. I sort all the activities, all 4 inc dh look to me every weekend to ask what I've arranged. I do the house administration, SEN appts, food shop, housework, home/life admin,I make everything happen and I keep everything going and together. No advice sorry OP, but sympathy and hugs from me x

Your DH is being a complete arse! He is a parent ffs! I always left the house every Saturday when the kids were babies and left DH to it. I’m convinced it’s the way he learned to step up and be ok being a functioning Dad.
I was a SAHM as he had a very demanding job that required a lot of travel so I didn’t work outside the home until preschool days. You have to work as a tag team and if he can’t step up to that he’ll need to sort himself out when it comes to visitation. But it sounds like he might just dump the kids on a female relative. There are so many great Dads out there but boy there are so many feckless idiots too.

Being a parent is hard but being a SEN parent is another level, i have 2 autistic daughters and it's really really hard work xx

On the odd occasion I attempt to go out in the evening my youngest won’t settle for dh because he never does bedtime. She howls and cries for me and I end up not going
Well, he needs more practice then doesn’t he, and you need to get tough and walk away and leave them to it.

My eldest doesn’t always make it reliably to the toilet on time. I didn’t think I’d still be dealing with that at his age. Dh shouts me - Bored! Ds has made a mess in the bathroom again!
And the answer to this is “Well sort it out then”. You sound so passive and making a rod for your own back. Stop being a martyr.

I had a really similar thought this morning when I was making the children's beds, sorting out the toys, and doing the washing.

I thought - this is what happens to bright, intelligent women - we get trapped in this domestic drudgery that is really like groundhog day.

Parenthood is pretty shit. I wouldn't do it again

Well he works full time to my part time and his job is more pressurised than mine so I don’t feel he can be expected to do much else.

He chose to have children, knowing he had a full time pressurised job. You too have a full time pressurised job and you also work part time. If it’s possible I’d have a very frank conversation with your husband about him needing to pull his weight in the house and with the kids - I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of cleaning up a shitty room as much as you are.

It’s not surprising you aren’t enjoying parenting - you’re at a stage where your oldest would normally be more independent and he’s not. That’s for both you and your husband to deal with - you both have a child with additional needs, if it’s more calming for your child to have you deal with him, your husband needs to cover the household tasks. It’s unrealistic for you to try and do it all in any circumstances.

I have two, one with additional support needs, it’s very very hard going and I don’t enjoy the drudgery of housework, and mundane childcare. I do however love my kids to pieces and take pleasure in their achievements and enjoy spending time with them. I can understand you feeling completely wrung out though, and maybe there’s a touch of depression there - it maybe you’re having a perfectly normal reaction to a shitty situation.

Things that helped me were:-

• having a very straight conversation with my husband about what I needed from him
• getting proper support for my oldest with SEN
• getting away every now and again for a night or two, just uninterrupted sleep makes a huge difference
• anti-depressants for me it was anxiety, I was climbing the walls at the thought I was getting it all wrong, medication gave me space to think
• therapy for unresolved trauma which was unwittingly being triggered by my kids
• a couple of good friends I could just vent to
• completely lowering my standards about everything

It didn’t change how hard it is, but I have more resilience and can cope better.

Being a parent is hard but being a SEN parent is another level, i have 2 autistic daughters and it's really really hard work xx

Absolutely, it can be a total other level of parenting and commitment, I take my hat off to those of you that do it.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me?

I know pp are trying to make you feel better by saying it's all fake, but I disagree. You see a part of their lives when they're having fun times...that doesn't mean they don't also have struggles at times.

Everyone has ups and downs.

People don't post the downtime and tbh, when they do it comes across as attention seeking or maybe looking. I have a friend who takes selfies when he's in hospital hooked up to lots of machinery ...which obviously invites questions.

Parenting can be relentless but don’t fall into the trap of thinking other people’s lives are how they are portrayed on facebook etc. Social media shows a tiny choreographed snapshot of any day and is in no way reflective of real life. This year has been extraordinary too.

It sounds like you need a break. Any chance of a family member taking the kids for a few days so you can recharge?

Being a Mum literally never stops, not even on holidays and with SEN kids it must be harder.

Take some time for you. It's not selfish, it's necessary. Everyone relies on you so they need to make sure you are also getting what you need.x.

@CoronaIsWatching If you pay any attention to children at all throughout your life, you will see how annoying they are, no-one needs to point it out to you. Happy and childfree here

Spot on!! Happy and childfree too! It’s plain as day how horrible having children is. I didn’t need anyone to spell it out to me.

It's a tough gig. Especially being stuck at home and your child having SEN. It's one of the most relentless, frustrating, exhausting and boring jobs in the world being a sahm. However, there are also moments, for me, of sheer joy, love, pride and amusement. And those moments get me through the boredom and make it worthwhile. I found getting out with the kids as much as possible key.
If you're not having any moments of enjoyment, then I would suggest that you are overwhelmed and depressed. It shouldn't be quite so bad (although admittedly I don't have a child with SEN.).

@IcedPurple, I'm childfree too. I was 10 when my DB was born and I was singularly unimpressed by how boring but also labour-intensive small babies are. Then he grew into a willful toddler who could put himself in peril if the minute he was unsupervised for 30 seconds and by the time he was 5 or 6, he was a foolhardy, headstrong, accident-prone little boy (but very amusing too). He didn't sleep much either, the little sod, and he sleepwalked regularly. The doctor recommended that my mum put a a little brandy in his bedtime bottle (it was the 60s, doctors did that sort of thing then).

Having seen first hand how much hard work they can be put me right off ever having any of my own. My poor mother was lucky if she got 5 minutes to herself to go for a crap, never mind sitting down to read a book or watch tv.

OP, I agree that your DH needs to step up to give you a break. You need time for yourself where you can be someone who's not "mum". If funds permit, book a night in a Premier Inn where you can have a long soak in the bath and just watch tv without being interrupted, or maybe meet up with a friend if Covid rules permit that in your area. Fuck me, if I had small kids an hour in the library just to get some headspace would help.

I really feel for you, you sound really worn down by stuff.

Why did you go on to have another child if you felt like this?

I get where you are coming from, children are hard work and it is relentless, especially when they are young. It gets better as they get older. It is a constant series of demands and i have been exhausted at times sometimes I feel like a slave.

I think it sounds like you need to install some independence in your children. My Ds is nearly 8 and I have slowly been adding to the jobs he does around the house. There was some resistance and it was at hard work at first but in the long run it pays off. Just small things like putting his washing away, laying the table, putting things in the dishwasher, tidying up before any iPad time, making his own bed. The jobs will increase as he gets older.

Also, you need to get DH doing more, don't let him get away with asking you, encourage the children to ask him instead of you.

If your child isn't going to sleep until 10.30 can't you slowly start bringing his bedtime forward? Even if he doesn't go to sleep could he go up to his room and get ready for bed etc but he allowed to read but has to stay in his room? So that you get an evening to yourself.

Lastly, find some weekly time for yourself.

Your experience of parenthood is not identical to everyone's.

1. You have a DH problem, a big one.
2. One of your kids has SEN/ASD which is going to make it all much harder.
3. Your other has only just started school which is (temporarily) an exhausting phase.

I'm not going to promise you it all gets better because I don't know you, your kids or anything much of ASD.

But I will disagree with you, because I dont find it shit. i find the bit between 4m and about 10m quite hard when they sleep crap and can't talk or do much but get frustrated. But other than that, I love it. I like taking them to the park. I love playing with duplo. I like reading stories with them.i love cooking for them. Christmas last year was the first year DS "got it", it was a bit spoiled as DD only just got out of hospital in time but I bloody cannot wait this year. I already started buying their stocking stuff!

Some of the comments saying it's this or that, unless you have autistic kids you have absolutely no idea how god damn hard it is!! This shit is relentless, it's overwhelming, it's knackering, i could go on and on! What parents of Neurotypical children take for granted simply isn't the same for us! I'm not for one minute saying it's a breeze for you btw!!

I sometimes feel like running away, anxiety, the stress of doing absolutely everything for them. But even now, knowing how hard and tiring it is, I would still do it all over again because its absolutely worth it, they are worth it. Its relentless and rewarding.

Motherhood is an absolute rollercoaster.

You are absolutely normal for feeling this way, I do hope you get some joy sometimes?.
Your DP sounds useless, I do all the organising for kids, bath time, bed time but I feel my DP does help a lot too, if I'm cooking tea he will be there entertaining the kids to make sure I can do it stress free.
You are exhausted and need some you time to re set.

I reallly feel for you OP. As other posters have pointed out you sound in need of support. I would start with your GP as they will be able to put you in touch with useful support groups (even if meetings are virtual at the moment it’s still a step in the right direction) and maybe advise on medical treatments if you both think it might help. Please don’t suffer in silence, you really deserve some support.

The problem is you believe that because your DH works full time he has less of a responsibility to the children. This is bullshit! He is their parent as much as you are! It’s not some competition.

My DH works full time and me part time, once we’re home we are parents. You don’t get to opt out of parenting because you work more? That makes zero sense.

If anyone dared tell me my child had shat themselves again I would tell them to fucking clean it up then. Tell your DH how you feel and to shift his lazy arse, why the fuck did he want children anyway if he does fuck all with them? He’s a shit parent.

Your problem isn’t your children it’s your OH.

He needs to do more. Do you work? Or are you a SAHM. Not being funny, but he needs to pull his weight.

I am TTC and wouldn’t if I knew my OH would be lazy with the childcare.