To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

Your problem is not your children, it’s your dh.

I love having dc, but if my dh was like yours I think I’d hate it too.

Sorry OP but your husband sounds like an absolute scumbag. How come he gets time off from his job but you don’t? Parenting is work too, therefore you are working 24hr days, 7 days a week. No wonder you’re miserable. No advice (other than to throw out the useless DH) but I hope you get some support IRL soon.

Lots of women feel ‘Covid burn out’ I think it’s actually mild depression after the past year.

Hope your ok

Are you a SAHM ?

Being a parent is by far one of the hardest and most relentless roles ever. I have a stroppy 13 year-old, an always-on-the-go 10 year-old, and a 4.5 month-old baby girl who rarely sleeps!! People must think I'm nuts!!!
But I wouldn't change having them for the world.

It's not meant to be like that. That's why it's so grim. Your DH is a useless git and he has to change. Tbh if you got rid of him, that's probably problem solved.

It is hard and I wish I could say it's all worth it. Mine are older now and it's still hard. DD ( aged 15 ) acts like she hates my very presence. I am constantly worrying about the older boys, will they find decent jobs, get stabbed when they go for a night out etc. It is constant worry but I accept some of that is just my own anxiety.

The reason you feel like that is that effectively you are single parent. Don’t buy into rosey picture that social media paints majority people do struggle with children and only those who get plenty of help from partners/ grandparents/ nannies can have some time for themselves and enjoy it

I dislike it when people hear a woman say she hates being a parent and suddenly she must need to see a doctor. Maybe she just doesn’t like it. Obviously she might be depressed, but it might also be that she just doesn’t enjoy being a parent.

OP, you have to find a way to carve out some time for yourself, for your children’s sake as much as your own.

DH needs to up his game and help you out! Poor thing, no wonder you feel overwhelmed xx

"I dislike it when people hear a woman say she hates being a parent and suddenly she must need to see a doctor."

People aren't saying the OP needs to see a doctor because she says she hates being a parent. They're saying it because it's screamingly obvious from her posts that she is depressed. If you know anything about depression, that is, and have decent reading comprehension skills.

This is a long thread and I’ve read all your responses but not all the replies.

We are in a very similar situation. I think I could manage my life if it wasn’t for the absolute grenade that is SEN. I absolutely love my daughter who has additional needs but I certainly didn’t think this was something that would happen. I thought learning disabilities were either picked up on the 20 week scan or got as a result of life trauma. I certainly didn’t expect to go to a general check up and come out with referrals. The whole world of disability has, up until recently been all but hidden. Children were labelled as naughty or sent to special schools. I only really ever knew of Downs Syndrome. Whatever my daughter has (undiagnosed but she has lots of delays) must have been around before.

I feel like life is tough. I stack my brains of how to improve it. I have come up with reading whoever I can, making nice meals and running. All things that can be done at home.

You definitely need to address your husband. It’s really not ok for him to be like this. No one likes clearing up poo but he’s got to help. He needs to give you a break or can you get anyone else in? This is something I’ve really struggled with but just found a babysitter with experience of SEN and slowly hoping to integrate her into life a bit.

It’s really hard. If you’ve not had a child with SEN you don’t really know what it’s like.

Some really smug, unhelpful posts on here. Okay, so you adore your 10 children or you decided not to have any. How do these comments help the OP in her current circumstances? OP, phone your GP in the morning. Tell him/her what you've written here. Then read your DH the riot act. Tell him he may be happy, but you're utterly miserable and if he doesn't step up, his 'happy' marriage is over, and if he doesn't want to help, he can pay someone else to help you. You need support right now.

Because for most people, being a parent is a lovely experience. There are tough days and things you might not enjoy doing but the good massively outweighs the bad.

If your husband is useless maybe you should split from him. Then you will have some child free days while his got theM Trying to look on the bright side think of people who have 3 and four that’s even worse !

Sounds like your having a hard time but at least your talking about it which is good.

Your big issue sounds like DH tbh as others have said. In the first instance tall to him let him lbow how you feel and how he can help.

Can you get some support from other friends and family with childcare? or get a new routine organised which allows one day for yourself that you can look forward too. If your not working id suggest a part time job or even a training course doing something your interested in. Then DH will be left to support your children when you work or study. It would be good for you to get some adult company and for DH to understand what parenting feels like.. Id only suggest doing this is DH is capable of caring for them properly if not then maybe you will have to rely on other friends or family to help. The phrase going to work for a break is pretty possible depending on the job.

What every you do dont stop talking to the people around you or come on here to vent and get advice as you have done as often as you need to your not alone and there some really kind people here willing to lend and ear..

If after all those changes are in place and you still feel like you really dont want to do parenting. Then dont do it alone... its a massive responsibility and as parents we do only have one chance to raise decent adults so speak to your doctor and try and see if respite is available in you area esp for your DC with SEN... it may also be that there are options to support you at a childrens centre nearby or similiar.

Take care and make sure you do at least 1 small thing for yourself every single day..

Come the weekend, you need to walk out of the house first thing in the morning and leave your DH to it.

AnotherEmma

Oh behave - “comprehension skills”. I can read. I just don’t like armchair physicians. She may well be depressed, as I said.

@lesleyw1953 what a pathetic and nasty comment given the OP’s post. Please can you just enlighten me on what good you thought this would bring to her situation or the world? Honestly - I would genuinely like to know if you thought this would help someone feeling desperate? Are you aware that this is unbind?

Depends on the kids really. My first 2 were normally challenging, normal struggles, up and downs, but mainly ups. Loved all the half terms with them, pleasure to take them out in the main, it was mostly good and life was good.

3rd child is so different. Milestones not reached, speech delay, sensory issues, haven't slept for 5 years (really haven't), tantrums are daily and last for hours. You can't take him out, his meltdowns in public are so bad. I feel like the worlds shittiest mother. He is learning, sort of, but it's slow going. The bickering between him ad siblings is relentless. He scratches, bites, pinches, spits, and we do all the discipline techniques we did with others and they worked, start charts, time out step, read books on what to do....

He will get there, but it's exhausting. I feel a failure most days now, rather than such a happy mum I used to be.

However, I do have a DH who pulls his equal weight. God, I'd go under if it wasn't for him. DS2 is so challenging we have to tag team to give the other one a break.

I still don't have any regrets. DS2 can be a little bugger, but he's my little bugger

Your DH needs to step up. You are a single parent, no wonder you've had enough

*unkind

I’m with you op. Parents of children who are not sen have no idea how hard it is. How relentless it is
My son has adhd. Only now at almost 13 are the good days outweighing the bad days
I didn’t even know there was anything ‘wrong’ until he was in year 4 - I didn’t know anything else except the meltdowns and the
drama
My sisters boy is severely autistic there’s very very few ‘good’ days. A good day for them is no poo throwing grass eating or meltdowns
She and I agree - if we could go back would we bother?? Probably not

OP your life sounds very tough but a significant proportion of the difficulty is self created because you’re enabling your nasty lazy husband. Nasty because no kind person would see their partner struggling and not help. Nasty because no loving father would leave all the childcare to the other parent. What a horrible man and sad to say you have allowed the relationship to become so unbalanced. If you divorced him you might have a few or more weekends a year to yourself.

Having dcs is NOT shit. Please be careful what you say. Comments like that are the reason I deferred motherhood until my 40s, and I really regret the delay. Yes it is hard, but dcs give so much love in return. It's very special.

I think your struggles are more to do with the lack of support at home. If your DH won't step up my only suggestion is walk away and go for shared custody. That way you'd get some time 'off'. You are obviously exhausted, and probably resentful of his freedom. I would be too.

Be very very careful what you say or even write about your dcs. They need to know they are loved and wanted. The alternative is a devastating thing to hear as a child. It can be mentally very damaging and have a life long impact on self esteem.