To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

mouseistrapped
"I'm wondering how you went on to have 3 ?"
The OP has 2 children, not 3. But if she did have 3, I'm not sure what asking this question would achieve?!

OP for you. I don't have children so I can't truly understand the worst bits of being a parent but I take my hat off to you and anyone struggling. I have close friends who feel like you do and it breaks my heart on one level because it's one of those decisions you can't un-make. I used to feel profound grief at not being a parent but I'm feel more balanced about it these days because of the reality of stories like yours.

I hope you find some joy and some peace moving forwards. Everyone deserves that. And this has been such a tough year, I think everyone is struggling with the worst bits of their life that bit more. Be gentle with yourself where you can be.

My mum told me when I was very early in my pregnancy that parenting was extremely hard, boring and relentless, not in a bad way, she was a lovely mum but just as a warning.
I tell my ttc friends in no uncertain terms very loudly the same. I speak of the highs but I don't skirt around the lows and the tiredness etc. Thing is they don't listen and neither did I. No one can really understand it or believes it until its too late.

Op your dh really has to step up. My life is made easier by having a hands in dh. I was a single parent previously and it was absolutely exhausting but I could get into better routines and do as I and my baby pleased so it was OK in that way. I'd rather do that again than stay with a rubbish dh as that will just drag you down.
I suffer depression and it definitely gives you the feelings you describe. Life feels less relentless when I'm managing my mh. I'd reach out to your gp op.

If you pay any attention to children at all throughout your life, you will see how annoying they are, no-one needs to point it out to you

Happy and childfree here

I think more shouting needs to be done about not procreating with useless men. I’ve got a toddler and DH more than pulls his weight. When the load is shared it makes life much more enjoyable.

I think social media doesn’t help , people only post what they want people to see , I’m sure once the cameras are down it’s not as perfect as it seems , I’m guilty for feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I see things on social media but then I have to remind myself that it’s probably not as it seems!
Hang in there , it’s hard work but worth it , you’re doing a great job

[quote tobee]@Howlooseisyourgoose I don't think that's a laughing emoji; I think it's gritted teeth. [/quote]
Yes, it clearly is. But hey, blame the woman, eh? Easiest thing.

"I think more shouting needs to be done about not procreating with useless men."
Unfortunately it's not always clear that a man will be a useless father until he becomes one.
I mean, there are warning signs, but let's not blame for the women for having children with these men, when it's actually the men's fault for being shit.

Sorry you're feeling shit you'd probably feel better if your husband did his share. Often the families that appeared happiest on Facebook are definitely not. I know people who have very different home lives to the one depicted on FB. Obviously genuinely happy families exist but be sceptical about the families having superduper fab times which have to be posted nearly daily.

Some people love work. Some hate it.
Some people love cooking. Some hate it.
Some people love gardening. Some hate it.
Some people love parties. Some hate them.
Some people love staying at home. Some hate it.
Some people love having kids. Some hate it.

You fall into the latter camp....

Me? I will never know. It never happened for me.

You are stuck with them though so you need to find little ways to make it a bit more palateable or you are going to lead a very miserable existence for a very long time.

@Revealall

Maybe it would stop, maybe it wouldn't.

It's possible to be terminally ill and have depression. It's also possible to be terminally ill and not have depression.

You can still treat the depression even if you can't immediately treat the underlying circumstances. A friend once told me she felt her anti depressants were like painkillers - they made her functional enough to have the energy to start sorting out the things in her life that needed fixing.

Do you think you could go away like others have suggested?

Probably 65% shit and the rest is nice moments.

@Boredandexhausted

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time. I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back. Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age. It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

So sorry it all feels so shitty OP. The truth is, when we are ok, we can deal with the shot. When we are not, the day to day shit overwhelms is. I think you have depression, and are therefore not dealing with the day to day shit well. Please please ring your GP hun. It WILL get better x X x

@CoronaIsWatching, great contribution.

I think you need support from ASD groups or just talking to families who have a child with ASD. I say this because I know that ASD children can be smearing their loo stuff on walls at an even later age than your eldest. This is a long haul thing and it's not easy. I don't think you've been able to find out the whole story of having an ASD child and this is really sad. These things then wouldn't surprise you but would still be hard. Your husband should be helping with this as you have a tough job here.
Please please join some groups for support. You will learn how to make life slightly easier for yourself and your eldest who needs the coping mechanisms available for them.
You shouldn't be doing this alone.

I can’t go away. It’s covid times. Even if it was not covid times dh would never agree to it.

Does DH know how miserable you are?

Childfree people seem to figure it out OK. Honestly it’s not that hard. There are no babies or young children in my family and I could still figure out that having children would be horrific! Avoid at all costs!

I felt the same, then I started having time away from DS (work, study, nursery) and my time with DS became precious. I guess you can have too much of a good thing.

My advice, take a break (difficult I know with an unhelpful partner and a special needs kid) but honestly, you don’t hate having children, what you hate is the relentless lack of help and the exhaustion that comes with it.

It is so hard, but it sounds as if it's especially tough for you right now. Have you considered antidepressants to take the edge off?
Just while this awful coronavirus is disrupting our lives? Cut yourself some slack and try to make it enjoyable for you all. Simple and small is surprisingly rewarding, so watching a film can become a move afternoon with closed curtains, popcorn and the kids making tickets.

@JellyBabiesSaveLives

Well to be fair you won’t get many parents of SEN kids telling you that life is a bed of roses

Yeah exactly. It’s not really comparable to having neurotypical children who pass through the stage of being dependent on you to being independent in caring for their own needs. My friends child is severely autistic and non verbal and I never complain to t about my own children and their little annoyances because compared to what she has to deal with every day, it’s absolutely minor in comparison. I don’t know how to phrase this without sounding like I’m being patronising but having a child with SEN must be infinitely more challenging than the usual experience of being a parent but obviously none of us know what we are getting when we have kids.

dh would never agree to it

That's worrying.

I was where you were 3,4, and 5 years ago. I ended up having a break down.

I now have a wonderful partner and things are so much better because he’s a decent human being who doesn’t thing that my sole purpose in this earth is to serve everyone else’s needs and have none of my own.

You have a crap partner problem.

I didn't have an SEN child so my experience can't compare. I am sorry you are going through this.

Dora the Explorer's post is very interesting.