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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

505 replies

Boredandexhausted · 13/10/2020 16:54

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1994 · 14/10/2020 07:31

@Boredandexhausted

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time. I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back. Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age. It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

THIS! I feel bad because everyone says I'm blessed with twins blah blah blah, but life is soooo boring and when they have bad days it's like effffff this. I want to walk out sometimes and I'm getting help at the minute too, my partner is a good dad so you have all my sympathy cause I have it good but yeah everyone shows the nice version because it's what you do. No one will post that they want to throw their kid out the window, sometimes I really want to do that though.
Cam2020 · 14/10/2020 07:33

Stop blaming your children and blame your husband - or even yourself a little for facilitating this set up. Not your children's fault.

flaviaritt · 14/10/2020 07:34

No one will post that they want to throw their kid out the window, sometimes I really want to do that though.

I will.

DragonPie · 14/10/2020 07:35

Why aren’t you telling your DH to get off his backside and do something? Confused

You need to change your mindset about him working absolving him from all parenting responsibility. Plenty of parents work full time. If you worked full time would you get to sit on your arse all evening? Thought not.

Princessposie · 14/10/2020 07:42

I have one DC and it’s very manageable and enjoyable. I would’ve had more but miscarriages prevented that. I think though, on reflection that I’m lucky that I ended up just having one. My life with her is easy and enjoyable. I feel for you with three OP, I can absolutely see how difficult that would be.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 14/10/2020 07:58

Why do people kerp deciding the OP has 3 children? She has two children and an absolute cock womble waste of space husband; are people including him in the child headcount? I guess that makes sense...

Lolaloveslemonade · 14/10/2020 07:59

I also wonder what is stopping you from telling your DH that you’ve had enough of his lazing around.
I get that he works full time and you work part time but does he not engage with anything?
If your DH is seriously stupid and cannot work out what needs to be done, tell him that certain jobs are his from now on.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/10/2020 08:08

@Goosefoot

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent.

The way the op is speaking about not being able to enjoy anything is a little different than someone saying only they overall dislike being a parent. She's also said a few times that it isn't the kids fault, but not that she loves them which you still usually hear mentioned by parents who just don't enjoy parenting.

It sounds like depression to me, though very much as a response to lack of sleep and other elements of her situation.

It infuriates me when MN automatically diagnoses depression in any posters who express unhappiness with parenting: it is literally saying that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy it. Having said that, I do agree with PPs that an inability to enjoy or look forward to anything is often a symptom of depression.

You may have a reactive depression, OP, meaning that you are depressed because life is so hard. So it's not that you hate parenting because you are depressed: you are depressed because parenting is so hard. Treatment for depression may help with how you feel, even though it can't take away the difficulties of your situation.

I also agree with all those saying that you would be better off divorced than living with such a useless twat of a DH.

Emmapeeler2 · 14/10/2020 08:08

That sounds really tough OP. Especially the late night/early morning as you get no break.

Don't believe everything on FB though. My friend posts filtered, lovely things every week but admits it's the rare moments everyone wasn't driving her insane.

Thinkingg · 14/10/2020 08:34

@Boredandexhausted

My eldest doesn’t always make it reliably to the toilet on time. I didn’t think I’d still be dealing with that at his age. Dh shouts me - Bored! Ds has made a mess in the bathroom again! Yes. I know my place.
This is awful :( please start putting the blame for your unhappiness where it belongs - on your shit partner :(
Thinkingg · 14/10/2020 08:40

No it's not okay for the partner who works more to do fuck all around the house. How dare he? I'd rather be single than live with a man like that.

choli · 14/10/2020 08:55

@Lolaloveslemonade

I also wonder what is stopping you from telling your DH that you’ve had enough of his lazing around. I get that he works full time and you work part time but does he not engage with anything? If your DH is seriously stupid and cannot work out what needs to be done, tell him that certain jobs are his from now on.
Generally $$$. Can't/chooses not to leave for financial reasons.
LilyLongJohn · 14/10/2020 09:11

Your partner isn't a partner at all, he's a lazy arse.

Imo as soon as there is two of you at home everything becomes 50:50 childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. Just because he works a few hours more than you doesn't give him the right to treat you as a skivvy

BertiesLanding · 14/10/2020 09:46

I believe profoundly that if you got rid of your husband, life would improve appreciably - particularly your inner ability to cope.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/10/2020 10:11

His being full time doesn't give him carte blanche to lie on the sofa when there are children to be put to bed, shopping to put away and dishes to wash. Even if you were a SAHM, it still wouldn't give him carte blanche to do absolutely nothing when your child has an accident or you're trying the difficult task of getting them to bed while there's obvious work to be done.

Honestly, OP, I can't say how you would feel about parenting in other circumstances, but your lazy exploitative husband is definitely making it all much worse.

ForTheLoveOfDoughtnuts · 14/10/2020 10:51

Personally, I have hard days, bad and good days. My LO is only 1 but I definitely have amazing times with her. She's funny and great to be around. Yes, she can be hard work. And tantrums. But I definitely get joy from spending time with her

pinkyredrose · 14/10/2020 11:02

Ask your husband why he thinks it's ok for his working day to end when he leaves work but yours ends at 10pm? Is he one of those men that say 'ask me what to do and I'll do it '?

Did he want children? Because it doesn't look like it. Are there any decent fathers in your social circle or family that could have a serious chat with him?

Also agree with PP that you've set your bar too low with him, what's with the laughing emoji after you've described how shit he is?

VitreousHumour · 14/10/2020 11:03

There is a pool of work to be done which includes your paid work, your husband's paid work, the domestic work and organisation, and the unpaid childcare. When your husband is not doing paid work, there is still plenty of work left in the pool. It should be split 50/50 until it is completed, at which point you both are 'off'.

Obvs there are sometimes crises or unusual circs - but generally, that is the only fair way to do it. I don't think having a more 'pressurised' job should change that by a huge margin - the feeling of relentless pressure when one's work is never-ending is also very stressful. It evens out, more or less.

You are literally doing all the shitwork - why is that? The only logical conclusion is that he thinks you're worth shit.

CupidStunt2020 · 14/10/2020 11:09

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time

Oh ffs, people talk about the shitness All The Time. MN is full of it, print media,TV, social media, books, comedy, plus every parent ever talks about the difficulties involved ..everywhere you could possibly look there is endless talk about the difficult side of having children.

On what planet have you been living that you think everyone says its all amazing and wonderful? Hmm

imgoingtoeatthatmuffin · 14/10/2020 11:13

Why don't you lose your shit and tell him to get up and do something? You keep posting about how he does nothing and how ground down you are but you've never responded to say that he just refuses? If that's the case then leave fgs. Stop putting up with his shit.

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2020 11:23

Oh ffs, people talk about the shitness All The Time. MN is full of it, print media,TV, social media, books, comedy, plus every parent ever talks about the difficulties involved ..everywhere you could possibly look there is endless talk about the difficult side of having children. On what planet have you been living that you think everyone says its all amazing and wonderful?

To be fair, people talk about the exhaustion and stress side of parenting but I don't feel the boredom and numbness that OP is struggling with is widely talked about at all.

CounsellorTroi · 14/10/2020 11:27

Oh ffs, people talk about the shitness All The Time. MN is full of it, print media,TV, social media, books, comedy, plus every parent ever talks about the difficulties involved ..everywhere you could possibly look there is endless talk about the difficult side of having children.

But it’s all tempered with “but it’s so so worth it”. What if you genuinely feel it isn’t?

SunShinesStill · 14/10/2020 12:01

Just wanted to say again OP, you have a DH problem. Nothing you have posted says you will be happier to stay with him. Leaving is hard but it means yoU will get a break one night a week and you won’t actually be doing any more child care than you are doing now.

You either get divorced and some free time, or he realises he’s a dick and needs to pull his weight and he changed and your life is better.

anothernewyear · 14/10/2020 12:18

To all the parents who feel like this I have something to say. My mother had me and was not maternal at all. I grew up knowing she didnt want a child and how bored she was. I wasnt a difficult child but I knew my place. Please remember children don't ask to be born. Parents make that choice.
I have kids of my own now. Obviously I have days I just cant be arsed. I have days when I just want to stay in bed. But what goes on in my head does not effect my children. I do not let them hear me say it, I do not let them believe they are an inconvenience. Kids grow into adults and believe me when I say It can have a long lasting effect on your self esteem.

Speak to your husband but do so when they children arent there. Hes being unfair but that's not their fault. None of it is their fault.

Waveysnail · 14/10/2020 12:57

Is it not more life as a sen parent. Rather than just kids. I adore my kids but my god I'd whip away the sen in a moment as makes things 10x harder for them

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