To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

@BewilderedDoughnut

Childfree people seem to figure it out OK. Honestly it’s not that hard. There are no babies or young children in my family and I could still figure out that having children would be horrific! Avoid at all costs!

No need to be smug. . Everybody has different experiences

:( it can be the most testing shit thing can’t it. And I think it’s great that you’ve vented.

Trying to think of a helpful response. Easy bit first, don’t worry about the 4 year old- they’ll catch up and level out most likely as they get into year 1/2. If it’s a boy especially tend to be less into writing etc.

And I’ve found I find it so much easier to love and enjoy the kids when I’ve had a break from them. If you’re doing it all then it’s relentless and almost anything over and over breaks you.

I would really try and get DH to help with bedtimes as if he lived alone he would still work full time but have to do his own food shop and put it away and cook it so his life is easier with you and the kids and yours is harder!! Reading them a few books won’t kill him but will give you a break. Nothing taxing as it’s easy to say make DH do this and that but in reality...
I would also genuinely consider medication/ chat with doctors.
If you can afford it what about joining a gym like David Lloyd? They have sports clubs for the kids, soft play and swimming and it’s a quick easy option for ‘what shall we do today’.
Honestly the most alarming and bit I think needs an urgent sort is
Sort the 4 year olds sleep out! They should be in bed by 7-7 roughly and this needs serious intervention if they are out of bed still by 10. Put them in bed 7 o clock and unless it’s for a wee they don’t get out until morning and can lie in the dark awake if they don’t sleep. You’re the parent they are not in charge of their bed time! It’s ruining your life sort it out!

Also. Remember it’s not forever. Obviously with SEN I know it might mean more obstacles etc growing up but this is the hard time and then you’ll get time on your own back for many many years.

Good luck and I hope you find a few good suggestions/ comfort on here!

Sorry, OP, everything sounds tough at the moment. I agree parenting is hard. My eldest has ASD, my youngest doesn't. It is so so much harder parenting an ASD child. Because it's a spectrum, and they are all different, it's quite a difficult condition to understand, and some problems seem specific to dd.

DH and I don't always agree about the dc but we talk about them a lot and try to plan parenting together and share tasks, especially the ones we find difficult. Without his support, and regular breaks from parenting, I would be so drained.

I don't think things will improve unless you can rely on your DH to step up and be more involved. If he's not willing or capable, I'm sorry to agree with others that you would be better off without him. I know it is easier said than done, of course.

It is mind-numbing at times. I love all three of my DC but it is mind-numbingly boring at times. We do have lovely family time with them but it's about 20% of the time. The rest is made up of nappies, crying, school, squabbles, hundreds of questions, organising, housework, shopping, cooking, walking, entertaining them, getting up at night etc.
DH does his fair share, I am not complaining about that. I kind of feel I have got lost in it all at the minute.
I quite liked being single and having my house to myself and my cats

@SequinsandStiIettos

Oh and some of the above posts are why many women are doomed to silence - silence about maternal ambivalence, about the bullshit sexism of wifework, about thinking of the second sliding doors what might have been - when women vent (which is clearly what the OP is doing here or she'd have left already) they receive castigation: the demonization of mothers, Won't somebody think of the children? mantras and then the trump card of infertility. So many women have to vet their language, add the caveats beforehand, avoid plain speaking when to be blunt, it's rarely the women who ever leave is it? On here, you will often get Go to a hotel, take a break, go to a spa, get a cleaner, kick your dp into touch, leave your dp, go to the GP, you have a husband problem etc and there are countless women reading that thinking: Yeah, right. Why didn't I think of that? If it were that easy. No shit Sherlock. So vent away OP and don't let anyone take away your safe space to do so

The point is, the OP can vent all she wants on here (and I hope she's found it useful) but it only provides temporary relief - it doesn't actually solve the problem. That's why posters have been giving OP practical advice to change her situation for the better - for her good and that of her children. She actually needs to take action.

Hating aspects of parenting to varying degrees is totally normal and common but bordering on hating your own children is not. That's why there are all kinds of interventions for mothers who are depressed or have other mental health needs - we don't just leave mother and child to suffer the way they are.

It's simply unfair for a child to be brought up in that environment (and horrible for the mother herself) when there are interventions available. The bond between a mother and child is one of the strongest in nature. If hatred or hostility towards your own innocent children is not a symptom of a mental health issue, then there is an even bigger problem that needs to be urgently addressed.

Your evening sounds awful! Why are you running around after everyone and not even getting to sit down and eat with everyone?

No wonder it feels like drudgery, you don’t get a minute.

You need to get your DH taking part in the evening tasks - whether it’s making dinner, tidying up after it and / or doing bed time. Or a mixture of them all and taking turns.

@Wearywithteens

I would cut him out completely - ignore him and treat him like he doesn’t exist. Don’t wash his clothes, don’t cook for him. He isn’t partaking in family life and you are not his domestic employee. He treats you like shit - sitting watching tv while you run yourself ragged? Nah. He’s a disgusting sexist prick.

I agree with this ^ He has completely checked out of family life. I think you have a husband problem as much as anything. It is disgusting the way he shouts for you every time the children need help with something, completely bypassing his parenting duties. He needs to step up or get out. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? He says he is happy but why doesn’t he care whether you are happy or not?

Have you had any counselling? I think you need to talk things through with someone neutral. Find ways to bring some joy back into your life. But you also need to process everything that has happened in the past which has contributed to the way you are feeling.

I really feel for you.

Would you go to your doctor and tell them what you have told us?
Could you say to dh what you have been bottling up?
This is so unfair. Dh actively avoids being a df. Are you ever tempted to look him in the eye and say, 'If I divorced you, you would be on your own with the dc 50% of the time."

ViciousJackdaw
Cant find if someone told you already so sorry if they did but OP said her eldest has sen (hence possibly the bathroom issues)

I can't believe what a twat your husband is. Would it kill him to do something? Even the dishes would help. Lazy and entitled bastard.

@Boredandexhausted

It’s stuff like... I’ve finally got them to bed just after 10pm tonight and then my shopping arrived (only slot I could get) and dh hasnt moved off the sofa. I am finally finally almost done but the washing up from dinner is still there.

I just can’t believe what I’m reading. Does your husband love you? Because this is not the behaviour of someone who loves another person. He should care that you’re exhausted and depressed. He should be really bothered that you have no down time or opportunity to relax. You are ALLOWING this situation to continue because you put up with it. In what world is it okay for a man to sit on his arse whilst his wife wears herself out bringing up their kids because he works full time? My OH worked very long hours in a very pressured job. He still came home and washed up/ did bedtime/ helped with chores at the end of the day. I worked part time. I did more than he did but he helped when he was there. You are modelling behaviour that surely you don’t want your children to learn. The man gets to sit around ignoring his kids. The wife does everything and gets no support. It’s absolutely outrageous. Sorry if I am coming on too strong, but please wake up. Get out of that marriage and re-draw the lines. You may have less money but you won’t have a pathetic excuse for a husband who is completely selfish. You will feel liberated, however hard it might be in other ways. You’ll have some self respect for one thing.

@Boredandexhausted

I think I should have stopped at one. I think one was my limit. I just didn’t realise it unfortunately.

This is probably more the issue and I think a lot of people complain about similar but they seem to have more than 1 DC!

I don’t think motherhood is shit I think it’s not a walk in the park and depending on your circumstances it can seem like hell at timesbut it’s certainly not that bad for me personally where I would ever be without my child or wish I hadn’t of had my DS.

@Boredandexhausted

It’s stuff like... I’ve finally got them to bed just after 10pm tonight and then my shopping arrived (only slot I could get) and dh hasnt moved off the sofa. I am finally finally almost done but the washing up from dinner is still there.

Why don't you tell him to do something? Why don't you lose your shit? How on earth has it come to this?!

Yeah, I am kind of wondering OP what you have asked of him.

Ideally he's see you are struggling and step up, but for whatever reason he hasn't and there are a number of possibilities. But you haven't really said what kind of discussions the two of you have had about this. If this is how he was brought up, it may well just seem perfectly natural to him.

FWIW, my dh works full time, and I work part time or not at all, so a lot of childcare and house work are mainly my job. He often relaxes in the evening when I am working, but I relax earlier in the day. He still helps out, does half the bedtimes, holds down the fort when I have things on, launders the bedding, takes them out to buy winter boots and so on. It is totally reasonable for you to ask that he take on some jobs so that you can get some rest and have time for your own things, you aren't stuck with it all because you are the main homemaker. Everyone in the household should get some downtime from their work.

Frankly, you have a DH issue and that is building massive resentment.

I am a divorced mother, my circumstances are different from yours but my middle child has behavioural issues. When i am on my own i just crack on, reasonably happily. When i was married i resented the wife work as I felt he should pick up some of it. Knowing it is just me somehow liberated me.

And the 'me time' i get, when they are with him, is bloody great.

I think it depends to an extend on the kids, and on your life pre-kids. I was a divorced mum from when they’d just started school to adulthood. With the younger one I never had a day where I was tired of him and wanted to run away - the older one was a teenager from hell, selfish, mean-spirited, lied a blue streak to all and sundry ... her I eventually tired of.

My exhusband was by and large not a very engaged dad, wouldn’t chat to them while I made dinner so I’d have a baby and 4 year old literally hanging on my legs while I had pots of boiling water or things frying on the cooker (so kept having to peel them off and take them back to him so I could cook safely). Just one example of how much the loaf fell on me. But I loved being with them and was so rarely bored.

My pre-kids life was sheer drudgery though, worked in shops and office for petty jobsworths. So being at home with people who loved me to bits (kids) and in charge of my day and my daydreaming was bliss.

My kids got along well (till elder found her inner Satan at age 14), though & that helped a lot.

OP, you seem really really tired. I also tend to believe you have a DH problem rather than not being happy about having children.

you being part time and him being full time has no relevance, if you ask me. Your plate is really full. He deals all day at work with ADULTS, you deal with CHILDREN. Children that are also his

Ask for help, OP.

Your husband is definitely part of the problem here, he's not supportive or acting like much of a dad. Can you speak to your gp about how you feel though? It sounds like you need much more practical help. Can you get a cleaner once a week?

Pack a bag and go to visit family or to a hotel/b&b. For at least a week - not some overnight flit so you come back to utter chaos that you then have to clean up. (To be honest, I'd advise a month, so that he's forced to learn how to run the house and properly care for the children).

This will make the OP feel far worse. It's just not realistic.

Hating aspects of parenting to varying degrees is totally normal and common but bordering on hating your own children is not. That's why there are all kinds of interventions for mothers who are depressed or have other mental health needs - we don't just leave mother and child to suffer the way they are

I think this resentment is a lot more normal than you think. It’s because people immediately jump to saying you’re unwell that most people don’t admit to it. In the OP’s case, she’s frustrated, exhausted, bored and unfulfilled. Of course she resents it. She needs practical help and a rest, not (necessarily) medical intervention.

And yes, I would do absolutely nothing for him. I’d take control of bedtime, do the simplest meals for me and the kids, wash their clothes, shop for us and them, and generally treat this lazy sod like he isn’t there.

I feel like everyone tells you how hard it is and not to have them till your really ready... I Used to feel annoyed at the negativity everyone put on it because it was something I really wanted and now I have it. I love it like I knew I would. It’s still hard though.

@Boredandexhausted

He never has. Once work is finished he watches tv. I do dinner, but don’t eat it myself and usually clear up whilst they eat but didn’t tonight because I was finishing some other things off. Then I do homework, bathtime and general all round entertainer 🙄 and then bedtime for the youngest and bedtime for the oldest. It’s a good evening if both are in bed by 9.30pm but it’s normally 10pm as it was tonight.

Why do you let your DH just loaf around after work? Why isn’t he doing any of those chores you listed? Don’t enable this!

Look, it's not acceptable that it's all on your shoulders and you never get a break. Go out early at the weekends before DC wake up, stop cooking and washing for DH, cook easy meals for DC and order yourself (just you!) a takeaway once in a while so it arrives just after bedtime. You are not the household skivvy!