To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

I can guarantee that your children are feeling every bit of your resentment, unhappiness and dislike of them and they will continue to react accordingly until you get the help you need.

Acknowledging your feelings here is a great start IF you intend to take the advice and seek out some support to make the changes you desperately need. I agree with a previous poster that single parenting is so much easier than parenting with a partner that does nothing.

Please listen to the advice you've received. You don't want to get to the point where the impact on your children cannot be 'fixed'

Oh and some of the above posts are why many women are doomed to silence - silence about maternal ambivalence, about the bullshit sexism of wifework, about thinking of the second sliding doors what might have been - when women vent (which is clearly what the OP is doing here or she'd have left already) they receive castigation: the demonization of mothers, Won't somebody think of the children? mantras and then the trump card of infertility. So many women have to vet their language, add the caveats beforehand, avoid plain speaking when to be blunt, it's rarely the women who ever leave is it?
On here, you will often get Go to a hotel, take a break, go to a spa, get a cleaner, kick your dp into touch, leave your dp, go to the GP, you have a husband problem etc and there are countless women reading that thinking: Yeah, right. Why didn't I think of that? If it were that easy. No shit Sherlock.
So vent away OP and don't let anyone take away your safe space to do so

Just came back to add (not sure which of yours is the poor sleeper) but DD was recently prescribed melatonin and it has helped a lot - half an hour to fall asleep instead of 2-3 hours. I looked up some stats for DC with ADHD and 2 hours is the median to fall asleep! (not sure re ASD as it's so varied). I also wanted to second the recommendation to get your iron, vitamin D and thyroid tested. Low rates of those can make you feel appalling.

Your husband is a waste of space. Get rid of him and get rid of 90% of your problems. You don't hate parenting, you hate parenting with him/having to parent him too. My husband has a "high pressure job" and even when I'm on mat leave he does 90% of the cooking & cleaning and we enjoy doing the fun things together with DD.

Don't look back on this time in years to come and realise you've missed out on the fun times with your babies for the sake of a lazy piece of sh*t man.

@flaviaritt

I don't think anyone is.....

Oh OP.
The only thing I can suggest is to leave your DH, that as not a marriage. At least that way he would be forced to have the kids at least one night a week and that would be your respite.

It is not necessarily depression, it can be the stark reality that you have right royally fucked up. Those querying why have 2 plus more..in my case I was told by numerous so called professionals that it would get better as they grew, it was depression etc, it didn't. I still hate it and mine are now in their 30s. The sound of a child crying can still give me a 'flight' reaction. I will leave a room if there are children. I love the DGC but am almost relieved that their mother (DSs Ex) thinks by not letting them visit she is hurting me, she isn't, but she is hurting them, the DGC want to see their GPs. I would get on with it for their sakes.

Well, you know, he doesnt have to agree. You need a break.

I love my kids but looking back now if me and hubby had known more and also have a special needs child we said we would have remained childless not maybe just one child we have a few and some days I think what the hell have i done

[quote GettingUntrapped]@anotheremma, your attitude of telling them it was a pleasure to bring them up, even if you hated it is setting the perfect scene for your children to wonder what's wrong with them if they hate the terrible constrictions of their own desires that so often come with parenthood, especially motherhood.
We need to end this shit somehow, our cultural method of parenting does way to much of a number on parents (especially mothers). It's like you become trapped in something that is taboo to speak up about, something that takes away your personhood, but hey, that's ok isn't it...not.
Small humans need a whole community to tolerate and guide and love them. It is too much for even two parents some of the time. God help single parents and those with SEN children.
How would you like to feel that your own life is over?[/quote]
Did you even read my post?! Which part of saying I will tell my children it was hard but worth it made you conclude that I indeed to sugar-coat everything?!
My point was that it's very damaging indeed to tell your children that they ruined your life and you regret having them. No one should tell their children that, even if it's how they feel.
We should all be honest about the challenges of parenthood when talking to our friends, our siblings, in general... but when we're talking to our actual children, we need to be mindful of what we say and how it will impact on their self esteem.
I am very open to people telling me about the negative side of parenting but I don't want to hear my own parents saying that parenting me was shit for them, no thanks.
My mum acknowledges that it's really hard and empathises when I'm struggling, but she has always told me that having me and my sister was the best thing she ever did, and I am grateful for that.
FWIW I think when my children are adults and I look back on everything I won't regret having them, but I've had plenty of moments of regret and will probably have more - I just think that (hopefully!) the good will outweigh the bad.
And if I choose not to tell them about the darkest, lowest moments of regret (probably driven by sleep deprivation for the most part), that's my prerogative. It won't stop me being supportive if they struggle with the same things, and telling them I struggled too.

nearertonature

*Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception

Ok, I know this isn't the point of your thread, but your child is NOT ' not very bright' at four or ' struggling in reception.' this is the failure of our unusual education system which starts children in formal education at the ridiculously young age of 4. Your child would be fine in most other countries in the world where her/his kindergarden provision would be developmentally appropriate.*

Absolutely so true. I think our country uses reception as childcare. During my daughter’s first year of school, I was a mess. I was constantly beating myself up wondering why she was behind. Please don’t write your youngest off - it will all click into place for them when they’re ready.

@Boredandexhausted

I can’t go away. It’s covid times. Even if it was not covid times dh would never agree to it.

Have you told him how you feel?

He shouldn't have to begrudgingly agree to look after his own kids OP. He should offer when he knows how you feel. Don't you think?

@Boredandexhausted

Well he works full time to my part time and his job is more pressurised than mine so I don’t feel he can be expected to do much else. I am very tired. It colours everything I think. I keep waiting to enjoy things I used to but everything feels flat. I’d very much like an off switch.

This response is always bullshit. I'm a single parent I dont get to do fuck all at home because I work. You are a parent regardless of what job you hold outside the home and you do your part.

@rottiemum88

Well what lucky children you have, with one parent who ignores their existence and another who actively wishes they didn’t exist. Yet they’re the only ones in this scenario who are truly innocent, because they had no choice about whether to be born or not.

If you hated parenting so much then you absolutely should have done something about it before consigning a second child to the same fate. On the off chance you are depressed, get some help FGS and try to turn this around before it starts impacting on your children; presuming it hasn’t already.

Oh, that's right grottiemum88. Pull someone to shreds with your judgemental vitriol who's been brave enough to speak her truth, a truth that takes a lot of courage to speak, thanks to society's taboos on how women with children are expected to behave and feel. Very constructive. Does it make you feel big and clever?

There is no reason to presume the OP transmits her feelings of regret to her DC. She is parenting them, raising them, spending time with them, despite how hard she's finding it at present. I agree her DH sounds like more hindrance than help, but that's not OP's fault.

It's no wonder women who don't find motherhood the endless whirl of sunshine and giggles it's purported to be feel ashamed to admit they regret doing it. Try learning some empathy instead of judging and tearing down other women.

OP, it sounds really hard. I don't have DC but I feel I can relate to this anyway, because I would have been you, if I'd decided to have kids. 100%. I'd never have coped with the drudgery or the stress or the boredom or the feeling of being taken for granted.

Hope you can find ways to make it a little easier - personally I agree with the pp who suggested you go away for a week or longer and let DH pick up the slack for a bit! Even parents (especially parents, perhaps?) need to have time for themselves every now and then, time away from the role of Mum, to do the things they want to do instead if what everyone wants them to do. And I do feel it sounds like DH needs to be picking up more of the slack, despite working full-time - plenty of people manage to be present in their kids' lives and in home life/chores as well as working.

Hope it gets easier OP.

You really shouldn't be feeling that way. I would tell your GP as you may be suffering from PND or depression. Yes it's hard work but so rewarding, and although it's nice to have a routine you can mix it up a little to have fun with them too. But seriously nothing will be fun if your mental health is suffering - like the oxygen masks, you need yours on before you can help anyone else

You don't hate parenting, you hate parenting with him/having to parent him too Quite possibly or she could just hate parenting. Leaving to do it alone is no picnic either. Many say it's easier than resentment/parenting an adult not stepping up...but forget that the kind that doesn't step up if you're together won't suddenly change when you're apart so you are then on your own but financially fucked too - before we even go to effects on the kids.
Culturally, there was a bit of a misery genre/backlash against motherhood in literature a while back - and then a backlash against the backlash. We often invalidate others' feelings to validate our own, it's human nature, for both sides of the coin. I have never understood why for example Jools Oliver only ever wanted to be a mother and loves it so much she's had five and would happily have a sixth - I just cannot imagine it - but I cannot refute she's happy and if it works for her, fair play. The problem with the other side of the coin is that once they're here, they're here: yes, you can put up for adoption/foster/ask family to take care of...but most women don't, won't or can't. Whether they should or not is the moral dilemma when you look at the outcomes for kids in care. Instead, we talk of being 'good enough', faking it til making it, lovebombing et cetera because we weren't mind readers and they are here to stay and we love them unconditionally and so we stay.
The thing is, OP, had someone you knew told you how it was for them, what their reality was, their lived experience:
a) Would you have believed them?
b) Would you not have thought it would be different for you?

I do admire women who took the stance that they weren't having children and wonder what made them so definitive, so sure , that it wasn't for them.
I also do wonder how parenthood feels for couples who really went through the mill to have their kids but find it shit - do they feel they can talk about it and who to confide in?
I am going to eat more and watch some dancing: I do hope OP that you can still take pleasure out of some things. I can have a laugh with my kids in spite of it all, the shit, the mess, the rows, the drill sergeant majoring, the school run, the juggling, the shit...we share the same sense of humour fortunately.
Try to get some sleep too.

It’s stuff like... I’ve finally got them to bed just after 10pm tonight and then my shopping arrived (only slot I could get) and dh hasnt moved off the sofa. I am finally finally almost done but the washing up from dinner is still there.

Tell your dh to move his lazy arse and wash up.

@Boredandexhausted

It’s stuff like... I’ve finally got them to bed just after 10pm tonight and then my shopping arrived (only slot I could get) and dh hasnt moved off the sofa. I am finally finally almost done but the washing up from dinner is still there.

What does he say when you ask him why he's so fucking idle and happy to see you wear yourself into the ground? Parenting children with SEN is never going to be easy but if you have a loving and supportive who does his share and gives you a break, helps you to inject love into the whole thing, it makes a huge difference.

He really is the biggest cause of trouble here. Why does he think this is acceptable? Nobody can be happy when they live with a twat who's supposed to love them but is happy to see them disappear under a mountain of shitwork whilst they loll on the sofa.

You know, you're a single parent already, OP. All he's contributing is money and if you were divorced you'd still get that. You'd have no less domestic help than you have now. In fact, with one less person to run around after, you might have less work. And you wouldn't have to see him lying about all evening while you run around like a blue arsed fly.

Your 'd' h sounds like the biggest pile of shit.

He's happy while you're miserable because you are there facilitating his happiest?

It's rough that your children are SEN, it's a whole different ballgame, but your dh is a scumbag, you are his slave basically. Why have you allowed this situation to develop?
And why aren't you doing anything about it?
LTB, then at least you will have every other weekend off.

To echo other posters:

1. You have a huge DH problem. It's meant to be a partnership.
2. You sound depressed. Every parent feels sometimes bored, frustrated and worn down but to not find any joy in your children or enjoy their company sometimes is unusual, I think.
3. Get off Facebook. If it's making you feel miserable, why are you on there? It's not compulsory! I quit two years ago for similar reasons and have never looked back.

Well I know I’m not adding anything new by saying this but it’s your husband making your life miserable not the kids. Parenting is relentless and can be draining and boring but the problem is that no one has your back. There is no way that the evening you’ve just described would happen in our house. We’d both tackle everything that needed to be done together and then sit down together, sharing all the jobs. Even then it can still feel a bit shit but at least we are in it together. I can’t imagine how resentful and angry I’d be if all childcare and domestic jobs were left to me whilst my DH chilled on the sofa.

He never has. Once work is finished he watches tv.
I do dinner, but don’t eat it myself and usually clear up whilst they eat but didn’t tonight because I was finishing some other things off. Then I do homework, bathtime and general all round entertainer 🙄 and then bedtime for the youngest and bedtime for the oldest. It’s a good evening if both are in bed by 9.30pm but it’s normally 10pm as it was tonight.