That if you work from home

[forfoxsakee]

9-3 and you live with another person who does 13 hour shifts and leaves at half 6 in the morning and gets home at 9 at night that you take on most of the household stuff? E.g when the person comes home they should come home at night to a clean and tidy house, bathroom cleaned/kitchen cleaned/garden tidied and a meal cooked? There are no children in the home.

OP hasn't said the partner is a man.

@JoJoSM2

Everyone should tidy after themselves and if you’re a cohabiting couple, you share the housework.

This!

First answer nailed it.

I would say its reasonable that dinner has been prepped/cooked on the days you're not back til 9 as it makes sense otherwise you'll be eating so late. But I'd expect you to do the meal prep/cooking on the 3 days you don't work to even it out.

Everyone puts their own stuff away as they go along.

Laundry and cleaning could be done in couple of hours together at the weekend.

The owner of the rabbits should clear up after and feed the rabbits.

I'd say it is reasonable as long as person doing 13 hr shifts does it on their days off. I used to work a 5 day week, DH did 4 days one week and 6 days on alternate week. Week he had Friday off he did the house from top to bottom, did the shopping, cooked a meal. Week he worked 6 days I did it all on Saturday. It meant one week we had a clear weekend and the other weekend we had a clear Sunday. It worked for us.

when the person comes home they should come home at night to a clean and tidy house, bathroom cleaned/kitchen cleaned/garden tidied and a meal cooked

It would be nice, but perfection shouldn't be expected every single day.

Of course that's not what you're getting...

Don't worry about the garden. Focus on the meal and the housework.

YABU. Your expectations seem very high.

I think it depends. If you are both paying an equal amount into the 'house' pot then you should be sharing all household tasks equally, it's not your DP's fault you work long hours.

However, if you are contributing significantly more financially then I would expect him to contribute more in other ways, e.g housework.

If they are partners, and one comes home at 3 from work and the other comes home at say 6 from work, then yes it's reasonable that the one who comes home at 3 does the bits around the house that need doing and makes dinner so that both can enjoy the evening and relax a bit.

And that on the day that the longer hours partner is off and the other is at work, then the one with the day off does the bits around the house and the dinner.

I work 9 - 5.30 at home, and my dh works 12/14 hrs from about 3am. We have a cleaner and I do the majority of stuff and will generally cook, but he will still wash up and clean his stuff up whilst he's at home:

Each person is responsible for themselves obviously, especially as you have no children but I would probably think your partner would make a tea for you and have a tidy around. I can't see that much mess between 2 adults surely

If you chose to have house rabbits and were your responsibility, I can see possibly why then your partner doesn't want to clean up after them.

The rest really needs sharing out, if you do 4, 13hr shifts you still have 3 days off, even if you sat and did noting for 1 whole day to recover from your working days, you would have another 2 full days to do the garden and a deep clean of the bathroom (for example).

Nope.

Meal cooked seems fair enough, just for logistics, but other stuff is a shared load.

It isn’t the other person’s fault you do shift work and they work less. If I’d chosen to have a job that gives me more leisure time, I wouldn’t expect to be someone’s skivvy. Floors don’t need mopped every day. Bathrooms don’t need done every day. Spend a few hours at the weekend on housework together and that gets it done.

If you're working longer hours to financially benefit you both I think x is being unreasonable not to be 'looking after' you more. In a loving relationship you want your partner to come home to a reasonable tidy home and a nice dinner (depending on hours & their wishes). And you want to take the load off them.

I think your OP has come across differently than you intended, because just from your OP I'd want to tell you 'to fuck right off' but I honestly think you just want to feel they love you & are pulling their weight and not actually that they're deep cleaning the house everyday etc.

If it's a house share then it's a different story & you need a rota, but I sense it's not!!

@MintyMabel

It isn’t the other person’s fault you do shift work and they work less. If I’d chosen to have a job that gives me more leisure time, I wouldn’t expect to be someone’s skivvy

Maybe she should choose not to share her extra money then

Kind of seems a bit pointless being in a relationship if you don't work together to make your lives better together.

I'd question a partner who couldn't make you a meal after a 13 hour shift when they've worked a 6 hour day.

That's really thoughtless.

It doesn’t matter what anyone here thinks, it how you feel about it that matters.

Personally, I’m not bothered by a few dirty dishes or un-mopped floors so as long as stuff gets done at some point, I’d probably be fine with that.
But if a clean and tidy house is important to you, you need to have a conversation and to try to find a fair compromise or accept that the other person has different values to yours and it isn’t going to work for you, so ditch the relationship.

DH is currently out of the house for 12 hours a day at work. I do 9 hours and finish 2 hours before he does. When he comes home, tea is ready (or plated for him to be reheated), the house is tidy and I keep on top of laundry and shopping During the week. I clean the house on my Weekday off, as he doesn’t get a weekday off.
At the weekend, he steps up and meal prep is shared. He runs all the crappy errands that I hate doing (going to the tip, nipping out for forgotten items etc), does the ironing, mows the lawn and any other household tasks that he needs to get done.

This works really well for us, we have Completely shared money and have 3dc. If I were in a more new relationship and money was separate, I might not be so accommodating to doing the lions share of the housework though.

I agree , if you both put in an equal fixed amount into a shared money pot then keep the rest, then you both need to split chores 50/50. After all, why should your partner give their labour for free while you are earning yours and enjoying the money for yourself? We were in this position, so I told my husband he’d have to pay a cleaner to do his half of the chores, seeing as he was unable/Unwilling * to do them himself.

If you have joint finances and you are subsidising the other person, then it might be reasonable for one person to take on more of the chores. But as you have chosen to outsource this to your other half, you’ll have to put up with whatever standards they choose to offer. You aren’t their boss after all.

And gardening is pushing it, to be honest.

Maybe she should choose not to share her extra money then

It doesn’t say anywhere that she does.

Kind of seems a bit pointless being in a relationship if you don't work together to make your lives better together.

Which part of his life is made better by mopping and hoovering daily because she chose to have rabbits in the house? Or likes the bathrooms cleaned way more than necessary?

If he was making a mess and she was coming home to clean it every day, she would have a point, but he isn’t her skivvy, he is her partner. Beyond having something ready for her to eat when she comes home, which would be a fair ask, housework should be a shared task. Working 50 hours a week isn’t that exceptional. She still has 3 days off.

My adult D's who lives at home and works lorry driving from 6am in morning until 8 pm weekdays still washes his own clothes and bedding. He buys a takeaway Indian or Chinese a couple of nights each week and I cook him meals other days. He loads dishwasher and helps unpack shopping at weekend if he is around. Other adult son works from 5am until 1.30pm so much more free time but he also washes his own clothing and bedding. He cooks for family once a week, empies rubbish bin and unloads shopping from car and helps to put it away. I cook for him 3 or 4 nights a week and he is out with friends other night and likes a takeaway at weekend or meal out with friends. Between them they share a shower room and do take in turns to clean it at weekend. Working more hours does not excuse doing no housework. However if a partner I would cook a hot meal and maybe pack a lunch for him. Garden absolutely not, we do that together at weekend. Cleaner comes twice a week but I tidy and clean in between.

You won't be able to see the garden at 9pm!

I work long shifts with a bit of a commute three or four days a week, my boyfriend works from home. On the days I work, he sorts dinner and has it on the table for 7/8ish when I get home, empties the dishwasher, hangs out washing, generally cleans up after himself. On my days off I clean (he will help but has lower standards).

I'd be pretty annoyed if I came home at 9pm to no dinner if he had finished work at 3pm. Obviously he isn't always in when I get back, but if he is cooking something he will always make some for me.

No should be a 50/50 thing. Do it at the weekend.

yes

YABU when would they have time to do all of that? And it's not just shifts but how many hours a week does each person work?

Someone may work 9-3 5 days a week, compared with 13 hour shifts three times. So the difference isn't all that great to expect them to do everything around the house.

YABU. That's expecting the person who WFH to then from 3pm do nothing but housework because they've been working since 9am. I work until 4, but I'm too tired to then do housework, that waits until the weekend and we each do it as we both live in the house

My thinking. If your job is low paid and you're working all those hours to make ends meet because you don't have a choice, then YANBU. But if you're in a high-flying career and you're working that kind of hours to further your own career prospects while leaving your partner to pick up all the slack at home, then YABU.

Of course the situation may be somewhere between the two.