To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

My ex was a massive twat about hobbies. He was a cyclist and Maine's all the time that my attitude was stopping him doing his hobby. Apparently I wasn't enthusiastic and supportive enough. Ffs he once went on a 2 week tour leaving me with full time work and 2 preschoolers. But my interests were irrelevant. I started going to a choir but he started getting home later and later so I couldn't go. Then I used to do an evening walk 3 times a week with a friend. He's moan that I was going out in 'family time'. Ie watching his choice of tv with him in silence. And he would offer disappear about half an hour before I was due to my meet my friend. He was similarly difficult about my work if it inconvenienced him, even though I earned more than him and payed for much of his recreation. What an absolute knobber.

@Boredbumhead

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard.

Only if it's their hobby.

Of course some women let them get away with it! And what you do is say “No!, you’re not blimin well going karting again all day. I am doing something all day.”
Then walk out!!!!’ Simple. They’ll soon realise you are not a pushover and it’s a partnership.

My DH has expensive hobbies, guitar, old cars, vinyl and model trains. He has taken over the loft conversion completely and pretty much the garage. It keeps him at home but he does have days out which sometimes involves us which is fun, but we aren’t always that fussed. But it mainly keeps him at home. I’m a keen am drammer though and normally rehearsing three times a week then three show weeks per year which involve weekends of work, set painting etc which sometimes the kids come to. Plus the social side. It sort of balances out.

DH and I are both ‘hobbies’ people (triathlon). We just fit it into family life and know that we might have to sacrifice sleep if we can’t fit training into the day at any other time. DH will get up at 3.30 to run or cycle if that’s the only time we can make it work. I’m shit at mornings (I could manage 6 maybe but before that is madness!) so tend to train in the evening. He does do more than me kas he competes at a higher level and is willing to find the time. He still does more housework than me somehow! We often plan family activities around one of us going for a run and the other taking the toddler for a walk, or going to the beach for a swim and taking turns. A lot of our holidays have been based around Ironman events. DH never wanted to be a ‘fat dad with a people carrier’ and I knew that before kids so it is a bit of a case of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ but I love it!

DH never wanted to be a ‘fat dad with a people carrier’ and I knew that before kids so it is a bit of a case of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ but I love it!
This made me laugh.

DH and I have both got active hobbies and we would be miserable if we didn't do them. We've got a bike trailer for DC so we can go on rides together, I'll take the dogs with me for a run, and we both have time together and apart.

Sometimes I wonder if people without hobbies and interests have a different mentality about things. If you've not got any interests then making time is probably harder to manage than if you have an interest.
For example, we make time and carve out hobby time. The hobby time is something we make an effort to have.

Some of my colleagues seem amazed that I manage to train for running events because they 'don't have time', but from hearing about their experiences they probably do have time: they just choose to potter round the house, watch telly, go for coffee etc.

Could it be the same for some relationships, where the person with hobbies and interests is driven enough to make time and the person who potters and has no interests resents the fact their partner has an interest beyond the home.

Some of my colleagues seem amazed that I manage to train for running events because they 'don't have time', but from hearing about their experiences they probably do have time: they just choose to potter round the house, watch telly, go for coffee etc.
100% this. We don’t have a TV... it’s amazing how much more free time I have than other people!

This also drives me crazy!! Men that spend their Saturdays off doing hobbies and wife is left minding the kids ...what I don’t understand is why so many women put up with it

Many (most?) men don't really enjoy child rearing and family life that much. Twas ever thus.

Two generations ago they would be able to drink down the pub or working men's club every day after work. That became unacceptable.
One generation ago they'd watch football in person or on the box at all hours, travelling away to matches twice a month. That became unacceptable.
Now they cycle around on bikes for hours on end, which is acceptable because it's exercise.

I’m the one with the hobbies in our house. One is life long and more of a lifestyle, and it’s the only one that takes me out of the house. One makes me decent money, and another is just one I like doing but they both involve me staying at home, generally.

DH doesn’t have hobbies. In fact he thinks people with hobbies and interests are weird. Instead he works long hours to keep the business going.

Maybe I was lucky that my kids were able to grow up around my interests and could always fit in, so DH having to take time out has never caused issues.

Everyone deserves something that can take them away from everyday life. I don’t know where I’d be without mine and I dread to think. Especially this year! In fact most people’s hobbies have been hard to even do at one stage. Apart from cycling, but we won’t fucking go there.

I know a few women married to MAMIL's the wife's do spend time on spa days, hair their hair/nails/lashes/facials. Coffee meet ups and lunches. Different ways of spending their free time - that's all.

@LolaSmiles

You hit the nail on the head. Some resent the fact that others/their partners have interests and they don't/don't bother/choose to do other things (one of my friends endlessly moaned about her DP's football- completely ignoring her soap addiction which took up quite a lot of time - and IMO so boring - I mean who invests so much time in rubbish - oops I should not go there)

Could it be the same for some relationships, where the person with hobbies and interests is driven enough to make time and the person who potters and has no interests resents the fact their partner has an interest beyond the home.

I don't get this but my DM has always had tonnes of hobbies. She didn't work FT though so maybe that's why she could fit it in.

I always felt sorry for those men in my running abd triathlon clubs who had wives or partners who didnt share their interests. I can never understand why people who have so little in common get together.

It's really odd to read on here that so many women think "hobbies" are a male preserve and a negative thing (and yet are happy to spend time posting on mumsnet) when in reality running and triathlon groups are full of women.

The male "vet" (veteran) athlete who pester you at the finish of races is definately a thing though. No young woman is that interested in hearing about their race in detail - we just think why didn't you marry or date someone who shares your interest, like the rest of us do.

RationalOne
I think you're right. People choose to spend their time on different things and that's fine, but the amount of crappy judgement that gets thrown at people with hobbies, especially men, is a bit sad.

I've got no time for those man-children who don't pull their weight at home, but equally I find the martyrish 'oh I couldn't possibly have half an hour to myself' attitude / 'oh I'm just sooo busy I don't have time for hobbies' mentality to be a bit silly.

@RationalOne yep I grew up with similar. DF had no life outside of work and family and really hated DM having something she was passionate about, he begrudgingly took part in DMs hobby and sucked the fun out of it. They were like a homogeneous blob of resentment by the time they divorced.

It's healthy to have passions and prioritise yourself, it's when it's at the detriment to the children that it's an issue.

The trick is to get hobbies yourself and make sure you take equal time out to do them. We all have hobbies in our house and we all support each other to do them. Life is very busy, don’t get me wrong and sometimes we have to compromise but nobody feels resentful.

I always felt sorry for those men in my running and triathlon clubs who had wives or partners who didnt share their interests

Or who were perhaps busy looking after the kids and running the house?

Besides, I always wonder why 'active' hobbies are so lauded and celebrated. Even if I didn't have a dh and dc, I wouldn't have an active hobby. I would much rather read a book, play scrabble, do a jigsaw or my current favourite, online geography quizzes...I've learnt all the capital cities in the world recently!

"formerbabe* most of the women in my running club have at least one child!

Neither of us can be arsed with hobbies, thank god. I’d rather binge Netflix, have a shag and a good sleep.

Me and DP are precisely as bad as eachother with our hobbies We love it.

Do your own thing. Its not up to everybody else to stop doing things they enjoy so you dont feel bad.

@IncandescentSilver

Your post just seemed a bit poor menz and naive...you're full of sympathy for the men who have wives who don't share their hobbies, then wonder why they try and chat you up?!

"fornerbabe* I think youre projecting here.

Anyway, I'm not interested in sitting on my backside on the Internet all day - I'm off cycling. No men involved.

You should try it!

If you don’t like it out your foot down. Ask them to leave.

My Mum told my Dad they would be getting a divorce if he didn’t give up rugby. It wasn’t the rugby that was the problem but the hours in the club house after. He made the right decision and has since has plenty of hobbies that aren’t so selfish.