To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

When I'm out and about at the weekend, I notice all these groups of middle aged me out on their bicycles and I always wonder how happy their marriages are. I'm sure some of them are, indeed, happy, nice blokes who are happily married. But if some of these men are out for 6-7 hours per day on Saturday and Sunday, what kind of family life are they actually having?

It's just something I muse on. Probably similar for other time-consuming hobbies like golf or fishing.

@ViciousJackdaw. He stopped when I pointed out it was unreasonable. It's after the birth of baby number 2 that he tried to ramp it up again.

I wish it was more acceptable for women to have hobbies, tbh.

It is acceptable ....you just need to make it happen.

I have kids and it never stopped me doing what I wanted in terms of hobbies or nights out/trips away with my friends when the kids were younger.

DH would go on skiing trips...I'd go on spa weekends ...I had no guilt about leaving the kids with him for a weekend from as early as 1 year old. I had some colleagues/friends who would never do this as they said their DPs/DHs couldn't cope.

If I was married to a man who couldn't look after his own children, I'd have to rethink things. He wasn't as good s me with the kids, but as long as they were fed, clothed and clean... that was okay.

I was going to enjoy myself and not be saddled with the kids all the time and I started with this mindset when my DC were a few months old

I think another problem is women who give up work and become SAHMs...often leaving themselves financially vulnerable and not being able to afford hobbies, when they have limited access to money.

When you have money, even if it means getting a babysitter while you go out (because your OH isn't around) then you do that to have a life. I did on a few occasions.

Yeah your own fault if you don’t take equal time out to pursue your own interests Or hobbies really.

Simon Quinlank.

When I'm out and about at the weekend, I notice all these groups of middle aged me out on their bicycles and I always wonder how happy their marriages are. I'm sure some of them are, indeed, happy, nice blokes who are happily married. But if some of these men are out for 6-7 hours per day on Saturday and Sunday, what kind of family life are they actually having?
A lot of blokes i know in that age range that cycle are either widowed or divorced.

YANBU.

Why do some men have to cycle every weekend?

I once read on here a later who couldn't afford new shoes and walked around with holey shoes but her DH insisted on attending some cosplay thing and very few weeks in new fancy dress outfits.

It's always men too, and women are expected to sacrifice their time to accommodate this no questions asked

Its your own fault if things get so far along that you can't ask him to watch the kids while you go to Zumba, or cancel his golf so you can have a family day out

Can we just not blame women for men being shit please?

@Japanesejazz

If you want a stable relationship get a horse, then get an additional pony for any children that arrive. I’ve had horses all my life, my partner doesn’t mind, if he did, I wouldn’t be with him. He plays golf. But every 3rd Sunday is for us, just us, our day.

Yes just buy a horse everybody and a couple of extra ponies as and when 🤣🤣 God some people

Let's face it some men deserve a prize because they don't have a hobby AND they also do fuck all - kit sure how they've managed it really

Its your own fault if things get so far along that you can't ask him to watch the kids while you go to Zumba, or cancel his golf so you can have a family day out

^

But surely men should realise and change their behaviour accordingly?

YABU. I have a time consuming hobby out of the house that DH supports- has done before and since having children so not sure what sex has to do with it. He has various hobbies but more home-based than mine. If one of us wanted to go out to a class we would just do it. Juggling our work commitments to find the time is more of a challenge on that front though as we both work FT so normally if one of us is having time 'away from the children' it is work-related not fun-related.

@Japanesejazz

If you want a stable relationship get a horse, then get an additional pony for any children that arrive. I’ve had horses all my life, my partner doesn’t mind, if he did, I wouldn’t be with him. He plays golf. But every 3rd Sunday is for us, just us, our day.

Is this real advice, or just an excuse for the "stable relationship" pun?

@Kaiserin exactly, you handled it the best way

My ex tried to arrange our lives around football. I then suggested we arrange our Christmas time around going shopping at the sales. He said that was boring, selfish and pointless -l said that’s exactly how l feel about football . He couldn’t or wouldn’t get my point

It’s fine for people to have hobbies, it’s a good thing. But not at the expense of your marriage / wife / partner / children.

You are choosing the wrong men then tbh! My husband has hobbies - so do I! Some we do together - others we do separate - we both take turns with the other things we do separately! It’s pretty equal - he would never just ditch me and expect I just do all the childcare every weekend and no me time !

I hate these men bashing thy threads - Not all men are the same - if you are with someone like that then you have chosen a selfish partner

My OH plays football which sees him out 2 evenings a week and on Saturdays. I play netball which sees me out 2 nights a week.

My sister looks after DS on the one evening we're both out as it overlaps and we always do something as a family on Sunday.

REading the OP, I was going to say "Yes, it is just you".
Having now read 8 pages, I see it isn't just you, but I still think YABVU to generalise up from your dp to 1/2 the adult population.

Once you got on to the bit about "superior or well honed skills" you are beginning to sound rather deranged, tbh.

Although I am aware we are all different on here, and one of the things I do love about MN is the variety of experience and the variety of lives we all lead, what you are describing is SO FAR from any world I recognise, it sounds ludicrous.
As so many have said, my dh and I cam into our relationship as equal partners, and we still live like that. We both have time to ourselves to choose what we do with. Even when working 60 hrs a week when dc1 was born, or later when we had 3 small dc, were broke, and no family help - and yes, we were knackered and struggling - we still made sure even if it was a couple of hours a fortnight, we each ring fenced a little bit of time to be ourselves in some way.

I do find it odd when people don't have any interest outside work and being at home, but, although that wouldn't be for me, I can still see that is a different choice for a different person and I wouldn't see one person and then think "all women do this" or "all people under 30 do this" or "all people with the letter a in their name do this", I'd think that one person acts like this.

YABU

@PhilSwagielka

I wish it was more acceptable for women to have hobbies, tbh. Whether it's knitting or going to football matches or skydiving.

I wasn't aware that it wasn't acceptable.

It sure doesn’t feel like it. That woman who was really into the Sims had posters tell her she was wasting her life and should be doing interior design instead.

@SandyY2K

I wish it was more acceptable for women to have hobbies, tbh.

It is acceptable ....you just need to make it happen.

I have kids and it never stopped me doing what I wanted in terms of hobbies or nights out/trips away with my friends when the kids were younger.

DH would go on skiing trips...I'd go on spa weekends ...I had no guilt about leaving the kids with him for a weekend from as early as 1 year old. I had some colleagues/friends who would never do this as they said their DPs/DHs couldn't cope.

If I was married to a man who couldn't look after his own children, I'd have to rethink things. He wasn't as good s me with the kids, but as long as they were fed, clothed and clean... that was okay.

I was going to enjoy myself and not be saddled with the kids all the time and I started with this mindset when my DC were a few months old

I think another problem is women who give up work and become SAHMs...often leaving themselves financially vulnerable and not being able to afford hobbies, when they have limited access to money.

When you have money, even if it means getting a babysitter while you go out (because your OH isn't around) then you do that to have a life. I did on a few occasions.

I’m childfree and I do have hobbies. Including stuff Mumsnet hate like Pokemon Go and watching football.

Before DD was born DH played basketball 3 evenings a week.
Which the dropped down to 2 games after she was born, Sunday and Thursday.
When dd2 was born he only played after 8.30pm on Thursday (because both kids would then be in bed) and before 6 on Sunday’s so he could then be home put one of the kids to bed.

I have no problems with him playing, he enjoys it and it’s exercise but he thought about what was best for us as a family and put us 1st while the kids were young.
Now they are a bit older he can play whatever night and time he likes.

I go swimming on Sunday mornings while he takes the kids to breakfast at my in-laws.

Women should make time for their chosen hobbies too, and not go thinking that they can't do their own things, You have to do this, and not get sidelined by a mans hobbies.

@DDIJ

Not just you. I am sick of not being able to participate in the things I enjoy whilst being expected to pander to males for whom leisure activities are seen as sacrosanct.

So why keep picking those men?

DH and I both do what we like hobbies wise, his are more 'events' he goes to, mine are more home based.

I am not a martyr just because I am female I am an adult so if I want to do something I do, I am well aware on here martyrdom is alive and well

It isn't an issue here, but clearly there are still a lot of men who feel it is their right to spend a lot of time and money on hobbies while women feel they have to prioritise the children/family. I have plenty of friends in relationships where the male partner will have an expensive season ticket or be in a club or have a training schedule - this then becomes something all the other family members have to treat as central in their thinking.