To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

I honestly don't understand why women stand for it. I really don't. I mean, if they don't WANT a hobby themselves then fine, but my partner and I both have hobbies, and make sure we have time for those - and each other.

It can be done, and it takes a selfish person - dad OR mum - to just take on time consuming hobbies if that means that the other parent can't do what they might like to.

Hm. Not in my experience. The women I know (with and without children) spend as much time and money on their interests as they want, and "their men" don't leave them home with the children, either.

I know there are men who are selfish in this way, but it's not been my experience. You don't have to put up with it, either.

I think it’s incredibly important to recognise that for exhausted, stressed out, overwhelmed (often new) mums, just taking a quiet bath alone is a perfectly acceptable ‘hobby’ and should be allocated a bit of time.

Some men seem to think that unless you’re out of the house in active wear you’re unreasonable to expect they watch the kids for a few hours.

Napping, bathing, Netflix binging - all acceptable pass times

My dp has lots of weather dependent hobbies that means there is little planning involved. So if the wind is right, he must do his hobby or miss out on 'great conditions'. Imagine a woman dropping everything regularly because the conditions are just right.

I am very jealous of all these amazing women ( and men) who have very active hobbies aswell as work.
I sound like a martyr but after my work i can just about muster the energy to do some art...i would love to start running/ cycling more .

@malificent7

I am very jealous of all these amazing women ( and men) who have very active hobbies aswell as work. I sound like a martyr but after my work i can just about muster the energy to do some art...i would love to start running/ cycling more .

I can go out for a run after work but haven’t the mental energy for creativity / art. We’re all different and our jobs are different.

True...my job is quite physical but also mentally vigorous so after work i'm spent!

DP has his hobby (sports, team), I have mine (horses). These were both established interests before we got together
We do have an agreement that Sundays are kept free to do stuff as a family, should we all want to and that we can both take weekends off our hobbies to go away. We share childcare, to enable us both to enjoy our “stuff” and this works well for us

@Boredbumhead Have you actually told him that you want time to do Zumba? If so, what did he say?

Is that actually the norm? It’s not in my relationship or what I’ve observed with people I know.

I don’t doubt it happens, I’ve seen a lot of post about it on here, but ‘men’ are a homogenous group, nor are ‘women’.

I absolutely accept that some men do that, but know for a fact that not all do.

*not a homogeneous

I take umbrage with this.

And it utterly is that men do it because women allow it.

In my family, I'm the one with the hobbies. I have belly dancing, I have an allotment, I do what I want to do.
And then I moan because dh goes fishing for a week once a year
He's an organist, and he's put his own playing on the back burner to be involved with his family. I even forced him to buy a home organ so he could practise instead of putting it off so he didn't have to spend loads of time in a cold church away from us.

The golden rule is to make sure that you both have time foe your hobbies and that hobby time doesn't take you away from family time (let's face it, your time to do your hobby gives your dh time to be with his kids)

I'm not a man, and I have a hobby. I suppose you would describe me as obsessive about it, as I do it 5 times a week, sometimes in company. Its running. I do quite like cycling as well though.

I've always thought it healthy to have hobbies, and not only that, most of my friends have hobbies too (mainly women) as I met them through doing the hobby. Many of them have children too and a lot of them met their DHs through doing the hobby.

I find this post really ironic as its been posted on mumsnet, and posting on mumsnet is a hobby, although not a particularly healthy one except maybe from a MH perspective! I'd feel quite sad if mumsnet was the only hobby I had in my life.

Im the one with the hobby in our house. I have practice once a week for several hours and then every other weekend I'm away for the day at competitions. Dp is massively supportive as i only restarted this hobby last year after a long break and it took me a while to regain my confidence . Dc4 also does this so on the days dp comes with us as dc competes in the morning then he looks after him in the run up to when i compete as we will be practicing through the day. He's absolutely brilliant and doesnt complain about being left with an often tired dc

@grassisjeweled

The balance does shift subtly overtime, it becomes the new norm.

But to be fair, I wish my DH would have one of these hobbies - he does fuck all and I wish he'd just leave the house to go cycling or whatever, even if it was actually shagging another woman!

Huh? Why are you married?

Just be glad it's nit fishing. 2-3 days a week. Days and nights that is.

If you think this is a purely male thing you haven't come across many horsey women with non-horsey husbands.

They sink massive amounts of time and money into their hobby. The difference is that they tend to enlist the kids (great excuse for cute ponies) rather than leave them at home.

malificent7
You're not a martyr if you say you're tired after work and sometimes the last thing on your mind is doing a hobby that you've got an interest in. Most people have times like that.

The martyr approach would be having zero interests, never trying to find any interests, spending every conversation ensuring everyone knows just how hard you work and how much you put cleaning first and how you couldn't possibly have a hobby because the whole world would end if you so much as read a book for 30 minutes.

Sometimes when I come in from work stressed and can't be bothered, I value DH telling me I'll feel better after a run or bike ride or yoga class. I do generally feel better for it.

My stbxh was one of these whose hobbies gradually took over more and more time over the years. By the end, he was out cycling both days over the weekend from around d 8am-3pm. And then another (very unusual) sport during the week - 3, 4 or possibly even 5 evenings. If the weather was too bad to go cycling, he would do this sport at the weekends instead.

Claims the reason he never spent time with the children was because he was being a "breadwinner".

The increasing time he spent doing his sports gradually crept up over the years. Probably, he was trying to avoid spending time with us (although he'd never admit it). Because it creeps up gradually, you don't realise straight away how much time ( and money) it takes up. And perhaps because our relationship was deteriorating anyway, by the end I was glad he was out of the house so much.

I let him get away with it because I was trying to be a good wife and be nice to him. I must have been slow on the uptake, because it took me years to accept that he was never going to reciprocate and be nice back to me.

If you want a stable relationship get a horse, then get an additional pony for any children that arrive.
I’ve had horses all my life, my partner doesn’t mind, if he did, I wouldn’t be with him.
He plays golf.
But every 3rd Sunday is for us, just us, our day.

Young women worry too much about others and also about what others will think of them. Guys just do their shit.

Give him the babies, tell him you're going out and what time you'll be back. Don't ask, just do it.

Unfortunately, it takes women often decades to come to the realization that in order for things to be fair, they have to assert themselves, constantly. Your guy is not spending much time analyzing your domestic situation and whether labor distribution is fairly balanced. He does what he wants to do. You have to learn to do that too.

@coronabeer. Are his hobbies one of the reasons you are divorcing? I agree it can creep up on you.

My DH used to obsessively exercise. People say "Don't be a martyr" but it took me a while to realise he was being totally unreasonable and just opting out of family life....he's currently eyeing up another time consuming hobby and we've very small children
Children. More than one. Why? If he's that useless and that uninterested in the first child, why have more?

DH more than happy to parent his own children and look after his own home
There will be plenty of men like this but we never hear about them. Women who dare post that their DH is actually a decent fella is often told they are being sanctimonious/insensitive/goady/gloaty.

@BewilderedDoughnut

I never, ever understand why women let these sorts of situations develop, you take the temperature of things at the beginning of a relationship and then you negotiate the rules

Women lose any and all power in regards to negotiation as soon as the kids come along. He can then do as he pleases and you’re stuck with the drudgery and sleepless nights. Skip having kids altogether, it’s not worth the risk!!

Why do they lose power on regards to negotiation? This just wouldn't happen in my house. DS arrived and we both still get our alone time, although more so me because dp doesn't really do external hobbies, he just likes to chill and read for a bit.

@Kittenbittenmitten Yes, they are. He was completely divorced from family life. And he was tight-fisted, except for when it came to spending money on himself. And the kids hated that he rarely spoke to them other than to tell them off. And he was crap in bed. (Sorry, just wanting a bit after a useless mediation session earlier today).

Anyway, yes, these things creep up on you. One extra evening here and there gradually becomes a fixed feature, same with the weekends as a couple of hours creeps into a whole morning creeps into 6-7 hours out.