Do you expect your boyfriend to 'put you first'?

[putfirst]

By boyfriend I mean a serious relationship where you have been seeing each other a fair while, met one another's families etc.

By 'put first' I mean making sure that your needs are met as best as possible, listening to your concerns and trying to accommodate them, loyalty, sticking to most plans made with you even if other plans come up or you are invited to something else at a later date. Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc. Obviously it's a 50/50 situation and you would expect to give the same treatment back that you receive.

Sounds very heavy-going to me....surely this should be natural stuff, not drawn up like a contract. And the bit about putting you before friends is verging on controlling....would you always put him first?

I'm saying in a naturally progressing relationship, would you expect this stuff as standard?

The bit about putting you before friends e.g. friends want to have a night out but you have a small child together, compromise on coming back at 12am rather than 3am like the rest of the group.

Or another example with friends would be, inviting you to the group activity so you are all included?

I think it depends on each situation really. If he's always cancelling plans you make because a "better offer" comes up then I would have a problem with that but if he cancelled a date with you because his best friend has just been dumped and he wants to go over and support him then not so much

I think those are pretty normal things to want, yes.

@AryaStarkWolf No of course, that's understandable. But cancelling because last minute plans come up to have dinner with friends, night outs with friends, family etc.

@putfirst

I'm saying in a naturally progressing relationship, would you expect this stuff as standard?

The bit about putting you before friends e.g. friends want to have a night out but you have a small child together, compromise on coming back at 12am rather than 3am like the rest of the group.

Depends on how often he goes out imo I wouldn't mind if my OH did this every now and stayed out till 3am and then but if it was twice a week I'd be annoyed

I never understand the wanting partners to be home at 12am and not 3am. Surely by then you and any children would be in bed anyway so what does it matter? When I go out I come home when I want and wouldn't want a curfew.
You may have just worded it wrongly but you do seem a bit ott with it all.

How does coming back at midnight vs 3am make a difference?

And yes, I’d expect to go out as a couple if it was a couples’ night out. If it’s a boys’ night out, then I obviously don’t go but DH rarely does those. I rarely have big nights out too but our friends are pretty grown up and past that stage.

every now and then

'Selfish desires'. You mean seeing friends? I don't think it's really as simple as putting someone first at all times, no. Sometimes one has to put oneself first, sometimes your partner. With children involved they will be put first by one or both parents at any one time. I don't think it's reasonable or realistic to be another adult's priority at all times. Life is a bit more nuanced than that.

Basically if you two have a baby together and he's out all the time and cancelling on you all the time, yeah I'd have a big problem with that and would feel like I was bottom of the pile

Because more than likely coming back at 3am would mean that they are incapable (or will find it difficult) of looking after children who get up at 6am the next morning.

Purely circumstance. I wouldn’t expect it myself no.

Selfish desires as in... I want to do X,Y, Z so I am going to do it regardless of the impact it might have on you. That sort of thing.

But if they're coming back at 3am once every few months does it matter? They get Sunday morning off, and then maybe you get the next Sunday morning off. Give and take. If it's every Sunday yes I'd probably be pissed off.

No that was purely an example to demonstrate what I meant by the friendship comment. It's give and take, of course there's flexibility and making the other person happy.

I was more talking about doing this type of thing on a regular basis.

If we share a small child I would expect him to put the child first. That would mean nights out are rare and never so late that he is incapable of getting up with child in the morning.

Family first. Parents, siblings, spouse, children - all come top of the list. So, if you have children together it's different from living seperately and dating. "BF" covers a broad range of relationships.

After that, it's about balancing the needs of both parties.

Is he your children's father? "Boyfriend" suggests a relatively new relationship.

Wouldn't it be extremely difficult to get to the stage of having children with someone if they were constantly putting you second behind themselves, their friends, their family?

I think people are getting sidetracked here. From what the OP has said she has a young child(ren) with this 'D'P and he drops plans with her as a preference to plans with friends which wouldn't be a problem once in a while but would annoy most people if it was regularly. Also, when he goes out he does it to excess so that he is wiped out for the following day either looking after children or doing any family things. If it was once every 6-8 weeks possibly ok, but every weekend not acceptable. I think you need to be a bit clearer about precisely how often and how much of an impact these nights out have on your family relationship and whether you get reciprocal time away from the children OP.

Maybe someone you have been with for 1 year + ?

Are they his kids?

OP you're being confusing, do you have children with this guy or not?