Do you expect your boyfriend to 'put you first'?

[putfirst]

By boyfriend I mean a serious relationship where you have been seeing each other a fair while, met one another's families etc.

By 'put first' I mean making sure that your needs are met as best as possible, listening to your concerns and trying to accommodate them, loyalty, sticking to most plans made with you even if other plans come up or you are invited to something else at a later date. Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc. Obviously it's a 50/50 situation and you would expect to give the same treatment back that you receive.

In a normal,equal,respectful relationship even if you don't expect it it should happen anyways. I do expect I guess , when it matters. Do rather than every time, those few times when it's essential , it should happen and it does with OH.

I don't always put OH first either. Sometimes it's DD, sometimes it's me , sometimes even the cat.

It's rude to cancel existing plans because something 'better' has come along. And if he thinks that going out with his friends is better than going on a pre arranged date with his girlfriend, then he's not the man for you!

@Bluntness100

Op. Relationships are about compromise.

You can turn your quesrion on it’s head, if you were prioritising him then surely his desires should come above yours? Not your own selfish needs?

Honestly. You can’t have it both ways. Relationships are about compromise, respect, mutual understanding. It’s not about demanding to come first. That is the very definition of selfish.

tbf to her though she's talking about him constantly cancelling their plans in favour of everyone else's last minute arrangement's, would you be OK with that? I'm not talking about every now and then. I think her asking if she should come first has kind of clouded what she meant (by the sounds of it) ie. not always coming last

(dependant) Kids come first. But i'm next. Not the ex, the job, the golf, the pub, the extended family. Me. Otherwise, really, whats the point

@slashlover I do agree, but this was every weekend and there wasn't opportunity for me to do the same because 1. There wasnt a spare weekend for me to do it and 2. He was incapable of looking after DC on his own (e.g wouldn't have a clue how to change a nappy, what and when to feed them or what to do to entertain them for 5 mins)
It was a shit relationship!

I would expect that generally in any serious relationship, yes, but with some flexibility. I'd say dh (we've been married 10+ years, so maybe that is different than a boyfriend of a year) does put me and our family first above most things, as I do him, but we're also very flexible that things come up and we both also need to prioritise ourselves, our careers, our friendships at certain times too. For example, I work in a fairly demanding career that involves a lot of commuting and travel - this means dh bears the brunt of the housework, school runs, parenting during a good part of the week. In that sense, I'm prioritising career over family and his needs, I suppose, but we all benefit from my salary (he also has a good salary and is the higher earner of the two of us, technically) and just my general happiness.

But similarly, I absolutely think you need to have nights out with friends and holidays away to have fun with friends, etc. In your example, no I wouldn't feel dh was putting my needs above his own if he was out with friends until 12am every weekend. But nothing wrong with a night out with friends and coming home whenever he wants from time to time when it fits around family life. Normally, he goes and stays with friends for the weekend if they are going out as I'd be annoyed at being woken up at 12am or at 3am - as I have to get up at 6am with dc (as would he if I had a night out). But we both still have lots of fun and nights out and holidays without each other, even though we have been together a long time and have dc, it's more about communication and planning so that it's a fair share of the parenting and fun. I certainly wouldn't consider time with friends or doing an activity he enjoyed 'selfish'. I would though if it was every weekend or impacted significantly on our relationship or family time - if he went out every weekend with friends or if he spent all of every Sunday doing some activity and left me at home doing all the boring stuff. It's about balance and communication.

Wouldn't have a clue how to change a nappy= Doesn't want to change a nappy. If he can't figure a nappy out, he couldn't possibly function in the real world by himself, it's hardly rocket science

I think if you reversed this he may find you controlling, that doesn’t mean you are, it just means you maybe want different things and perhaps should move on.

tbf to her though she's talking about him constantly cancelling their plans in favour of everyone else's last minute arrangement's, would you be OK with that

No of course not, I’d have ended it long ago, but she didn’t say he was constantly doing it did she? If she did then it’s a moot question
The question is why would she be with someone who treats her like that.

@Bluntness100

tbf to her though she's talking about him constantly cancelling their plans in favour of everyone else's last minute arrangement's, would you be OK with that

No of course not, I’d have ended it long ago, but she didn’t say he was constantly doing it did she? If she did then it’s a moot question
The question is why would she be with someone who treats her like that.

Well she said

Date night planned for Friday, last minute plans with friends gets planned for Friday, your date night gets cancelled. Ergo for casual family meals. That kind of scenario.

So I presumed that was a regular thing otherwise it wouldn't be worth making a thread about

There's no 'normal' for behaviour in relationships. There's no rule book to follow. Some might be happy with this sort of behaviour all the time, others might think even once or twice crosses the line. The adult thing to do is recognise your own boundaries and communicate them. Then, if they are repeatedly crossed and disrespected, leave.

It’s rude to cancel date night because something he’d rather do has come up - a one off which he’s explained and you’ve accepted - fine - regularly - you’re not that important to him - sorry if that sounds harsh OP - but it doesn’t sound like you want the same thing

It depends on the stage of the relationship and how long you’ve been together I guess. I expect DP to put me before everything else and I him. We are a team. I think it’s natural progression though. If you’ve only been in a relationship for a few months then prioritising your partner above everyone else is a little silly especially if it’s very new and not intense because you don’t know where the relationship is going to go and don’t want to risk losing friendships over it.

Eventually though you have to put them before everything else as that is natural progression and I would not let a man make me his wife if I wasn’t his top priority.

So to put it simply- a few months of casual dating would I expect him to put me first or I put him first? Probably not, just seeing where things go. A year of dating but not living together and seeing each other a few times a week- moving into serious territory I would hope he would consult with me for big decisions and consider my feelings.

Living together, sharing a life, splitting bills, creating a family- absolutely he is my top priority and I expect vice versa. I guess everyone is different though but I wouldn’t settle for less!

He barely did/does function tbh!
I think i recall him changing a nappy once in the relationship and he put it on backwards and it wasnt even covering the right parts.
He had more children with another partner after we split up and was just as useless!

I think in a relationship you should put each other first. So I would expect him to consider the impact on me of any decisions. But I'd also want him to be happy, so I'd encourage him to make time to see his friends and family etc.

Op sorry but he’s not that in to you. Dump him and find someone who wants to move to the next stage.
If he’s not that desperate to see you now it doesn’t look good for the future.

DP and I have been together less than a year and do live together. We absolutely put each other first in terms of checking before making new plans or accepting an invitation;

'Babe did you have anything in mind for us on Friday night? The lads from football are having drinks after work and asked if I want to join'

That kind of thing. Not necessarily every time and for every occasion, we're not each other's keepers after all, but definitely if it's last minute.

For plans made further ahead we just tell each other when they're made or put them on the calendar.

@NoFilterAllowed

He barely did/does function tbh! I think i recall him changing a nappy once in the relationship and he put it on backwards and it wasnt even covering the right parts. He had more children with another partner after we split up and was just as useless!

The cynic in me would think he did that on purpose so he wouldn't be asked to do it again.......either way you sound like you had a lucky escape!

Yes he does and your partner could if he was serious about the relationship. Mind you DP is the first man I've been in a committed relationship with who always put me first and has done from the start he is a softie though.

Yes that's what I mean, putting one another first about other people / situations. For example, there have been lots of occasions where last minute plans have come up and I have encouraged him to go. I see his happiness as equal to my own. In the last month there have been 4 times that plans have changed or been rescheduled, either because something else has come up or he's 'forgotten' about plans and double booked himself.

Another example, he got a dog earlier this year despite knowing the impact it would have on our relationship as my working from home regularly really isn't suitable with a puppy/dog. Cannot have a dog jumping up at clients, barking etc. When he is staying with me we make a joint effort to train the dog properly, as soon as he goes home he admits he does not 'police' the training.

I wanted to be broad as I wanted to know the general consensus on where people stand on 'putting your partner first' and at what stage people think this is appropriate. Sorry, I realise some of the examples I have given don't fit the context of the situation.

I would be wondering why I wasn't part of the family/friends get togethers. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it wasn't the norm for us to come as a pair - unless one of us didn't fancy the plan for a particular night

Ps.. neither of us would routinely cancel 'together' plans in favour of something else but it has happened on the odd occasion when something unexpected has come up.

I get the sense it's a general sense that he doesn't put you first, not just a one-off event otherwise you wouldn't post about it. Unless you are clingy in other ways, in which case you may need to think about that.

Tbh if he's the sort that regularly puts his own needs first without even considering how you feel then he's probably not the man for you. Some people wouldn't be bothered because they behave the same way, but if you're not like that, he'll make you unhappy in the long term.

Have you tried to explain how you feel about it?

Life isn’t a Hollywood movie. Do you also expect him to do a mad dash to the airport to prevent you from leaving too?

My husband and I put each other first sometimes. When it calls for it but we have other priorities too (not kids thank God).

Another example, he got a dog earlier this year despite knowing the impact it would have on our relationship as my working from home regularly really isn't suitable with a puppy/dog.

Tbh you do come across a bit controlling and he clearly doesn’t want to be controlled and does what he wants.

Changing plans isn’t about putting one person above another - so if he arranges to see a friend but you want to see him at the same time, he shouldn’t drop the friend because you’re supposedly more important. Most people just stick to plans they’ve made unless there’s an emergency.