Do you expect your boyfriend to 'put you first'?

[putfirst]

By boyfriend I mean a serious relationship where you have been seeing each other a fair while, met one another's families etc.

By 'put first' I mean making sure that your needs are met as best as possible, listening to your concerns and trying to accommodate them, loyalty, sticking to most plans made with you even if other plans come up or you are invited to something else at a later date. Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc. Obviously it's a 50/50 situation and you would expect to give the same treatment back that you receive.

I think the issue here is he doesn’t invite you, that’s not generally how couples behave. Guys night out sure your shouldn’t ge invited but you’re never invited to anything.

However spending a week together, he prob got bored to be honest.

Yeah babe think you have been so vague and general to start because his treatment of you/your vision of your relationship don't match up and your embarrassed.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I've read all of your posts putfirst and everybody else's. You're on a hiding to nothing, sorry, because do you know what? Even if every single poster on this thread agreed with you, validated you and told you that he was being completely unreasonable and that you were right... it wouldn't change a thing in his world.

You are not as important to him as he is to you and that's really obvious. Sorry again.

To be fair, this kinda nails it. What we say doesn’t change anything. And you’re more in to him than he is into you.

My last guy didn't want to meet my family until after a year, we spent holidays apart, only I made efforts for valentines, dates, I always went to him and he mostly cancelled when he was supposed to be at mine, at 5 months he was making a big deal about being Facebook official or calling me girlfriend. Claimed we were exclusive but not a couple yet...... Umm no! Too long in the tooth. I'm worth more than that shit. He cried alot tried to make an effort when it was too late.

Six months later I met a guy who moved in with me and my mum after 2 weeks, calls her mum, met all my massive crazy family, treats me like a princess, holidays, romantic dinners, presents. Tells me he love me every day. Not one real fight in a year. We're planning a baby and our wedding and could not be more excited. I'm telling you this not to be mean but because if you settle for second best you'll only get scraps. ❤️

@Imworthit You aren't being mean, it's what I need to hear. I am going to finish with him x

I think you're right to cut your losses, he's not that into you. Or he's a selfish dick. Either way, not a keeper. Sorry.

I'm so glad darling 💐 Sad for you at the same time but not because of this boy, you'll laugh at what you tolerated in a little while. Only give your time to people who treat you just as you deserve and you'll skip all the fuck boys and time wasters. So proud of you! As my name says 'Imworthit' remember that baby ❤️💋

I think that’s the right decesion. Regarding the parents meal, most normal people would invite you to go with them. The fact he didn’t invite you means he prioritises his parents over you.

I think @BoomBoomsCousin nailed it. (Always loved those books)

What ‘stage’ you’re at is based on how you both behave, not how long you’ve seen him. If you’re not included in family meals, nights out with friends etc then he isn’t seeing you as a partner. You’re his girlfriend, nothing more committed than that.

If that’s fine with you, great. If you want more of a relationship than that, cut your losses. I wish you the very best.

DP and me are both quite independent people and even though we love eachother very much we're not totally self-sacrificing about it. He goes on trips abroad with his sport for weeks, occasionally months at a time for example. I miss him but I knew that's what I signed up for. If I want to do the same, I do. We don't have DC though so totally different for us.

If he is cancelling plans as often as it appears, if it was me I would think that he wasn’t really that bothered about being with me, so I would probably decide that there wasn’t really much point in being with him.

I’m all for going out with friends, though, I do it more than my DH does. I wouldn’t cancel a date night, though (unless it was a genuine double booking), though this is mainly because we rarely have date nights now because of having two DDs (11 and 8) and this year because of Covid.

I don’t get the issue of the time he comes back at all, as there are no children involved in the OP’s situation. It wouldn’t matter at all if my DH wanted to come back at 3am. (He’s done this very occasionally for work in the past.) It wouldn’t bother me, as long as he didn’t wake me (or the DDs) up.

From all your updates, YANBU and he is completely taking you for granted and disregarding your feelings. With the weekend thing, the way I read it is you were supposed to spend Friday together but no definite plans to do anything, but you did have plans for Saturday. He asked if he could see his parents instead on Friday; you said yes, as after all you have plans together for Saturday. But then when Saturday comes he cancels on you to see mates. Nope, not acceptable, especially as it happens often, not once in a blue moon.

Dh and I have been together over 20 years, he does not 'put me first' (which is how i took your op) like I am a child we just work things out together.

We do separate things sometimes and together, If he wanted to stay out till 12 or 3am if we dont have anything on i am not bothered, same if I wanted to too.

@that1970shouse

Yes that is exactly what happened. No firm plans for the Friday, but plans to spend the weekend together. It didn't even cross his mind to try to invite me on the Friday anyway, which he could have done. So that's one issue, not being included/invited, then the second issue is cancelling at the last minute for plans we have in favour of something else that has come up. I have ended things with him and he keeps saying that 'he should've invited me' and 'we could've discussed Saturday.' But he didn't even think to invite me in the first place, and where is the discussion when someone just says 'These plans have come up so let's rearrange our Saturday evening for another time.' We just aren't on the same wavelength at all when it comes to where we prioritise one another.

My late OH and I were married for over 50 years and I would hate to think that I had been as controlling as you seem to want to be! When our first daughter was born and I had to stay in hospital for a week, it was the norm then, he bowled up one afternoon in swimming trinks, a vest top, sandals and flip flops round his neck, Can't stop long we have a race on an hour! Did I sulk etc.? No, it's passed into the family folk lore and we used to laugh about it.

Glad to hear you're finishing it OP, you sound totally incompatible and have totally different levels of expectation and commitment.

But before you start dating anyone else, you need to address this:

I see his happiness as equal to my own.

This isn't healthy. You can value someone's happiness very highly and often compromise and do things that make them happy even if they aren't what you might choose if you were just thinking of yourself - but not at the expense of yourself.

So yes for example go to an Italian instead of a chinese because they've had a shit week and need a pick me up / watch a movie you aren't fussed about but they're really excited about etc IF they do the same for you.

Don't do things that actually make you unhappy or make you feel undervalued eg tolerating being repeatedly cancelled on.

It sounds like you have quite a romanticised view bordering on being a bit of a martyr, unintentionally. Something to work on before you meet someone else I think - knowing what makes you happy and not feeling you have to be unhappy to make the other person happy. You can compromise and both be happy in a healthy relationship,

I don't think a partner always has to take priority over everything else all the time and certainly not in a relationship of just a year.

But he sounds selfish and unreliable and not that committed.

To be honest, from you have posted, it sounds very much like you are driving things faster than he wants to go, eg moving in together, and he's being a bit passive and non-committal about it.

I'd be very reluctant to move in with someone like that.

Well done, PutFirst, it's not easy to end things but equally, it's not easy to live with the constant niggle that things will never change - and now, when you both have no 'grown up commitments', you ought to be having the time of your lives together.

You can do much better and you deserve much better.

I think if there has been a solid commitment to exclusivity and a long term progression, like getting engaged, then yes, both people should consider the wishes and needs of the other person above most other people. This has to be mutual of course, and there needs to be give and take and an understanding of other pressures. Generally I would say yes, but if the relationships is only a year long and you didn't live together or have children, then I would say it's more fluid.

Fiancé or husband yes, boyfriend in some certain circumstances sure but not all.

If you have doubts at this point about whether you're a priority, he's not the right person for you, end of story.

Oh and if you want marriage with this guy in the future, don't move in with him. You're likely to fall into the trap of perennial girlfriend where he gets all the 'wife' benefits without any of the legal and emotional commitment of marriage.

My DH puts me first without question.

That's not actually very healthy at all for either of us.

Actually I think you got some of these answers because you said 'put me first'. Whereas actually what you meant was, consider me at all. And he didn't really. Which is why you've made the right decision. You definitely deserve better and all these controlling criticisms are just rubbish.

YABU OP.

Glad to hear you’ve ended it. I was coming in to post that this isn’t about the “stage of your relationship”, but about his character. So make your decision on “this is who he is”.

He didn’t perceive his girlfriend of a year to be part of his family or friendship group or a high priority, and he got a dog but wasn’t consistent with training which must be so confusing and upsetting for the poor dog. (If you had stayed together and had children you can guarantee he would undermine your parenting so he could be fun dad).

Your relationship was making you feel unhappy That’s an excellent reason for ending it.

I hope you a wonderful time being single and not putting up with flaky crap. Treat yourself, and do something nice and indulgent.