Do you expect your boyfriend to 'put you first'?

[putfirst]

By boyfriend I mean a serious relationship where you have been seeing each other a fair while, met one another's families etc.

By 'put first' I mean making sure that your needs are met as best as possible, listening to your concerns and trying to accommodate them, loyalty, sticking to most plans made with you even if other plans come up or you are invited to something else at a later date. Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc. Obviously it's a 50/50 situation and you would expect to give the same treatment back that you receive.

I dumped someone I'd been quite serious about for standing me up on my birthday and going out with his mates instead. It was the last straw really he'd been disrespectful in other ways. I realised I deserved better.

Stop being cryptic and you'll get better answers op

I think mentioning the kids situation has thrown a red herring in. There are no kids involved, this is a broader question. I mentioned kids as that's a scenario one of my friends was in recently.

My question is aimed towards a relationship that has been steady for 1 year +, hit milestones (holiday together, met friends, met family). Would you expect for you to be top or very close to top, of their priority list if taking the relationship further to the next stage of living together, children etc.

Depends on the stage of the relationship. Regardless you always need to be flexible.

Say you live together - you see each other everyday, you share a bed. You have a plan for a date night. An opportunity comes up for partner to see an old friend - and these opportunities don't come up often - its the same night as the date night. I'd like to think a good partner would let them take the opportunity to see their friend, not a big deal, can always reschedule.

Do you live together? If you don't have kids together then expecting him to come home at 12am instead of 3am with his friends in unreasonable. I wouldn't like to be cancelled on a lot because he prefers going out with his friends though, no

You would have to discuss what the "natural" progression meant to each of you and negotiate from there.

People have such different ideas.

So you're dating someone, not living together, no kids. You should be important to him but not the only thing. Once you're living together with kids things would be quite different. If you don't feel you're being treated fairly then walk away. It's still early days.

I'd be pretty fucked off if my boyfriend demanded I get home at midday rather than 3am for no reason.

No, not living together. But in a situation of age / stage where you are beginning to discuss living together... but still being cancelled on in favour of nights out and casual get togethers with family and friends etc.

The bit about putting you before friends e.g. friends want to have a night out but you have a small child together, compromise on coming back at 12am rather than 3am like the rest of the group

I don't that's putting you first, it's putting your child first. And is very different from putting your partner ahead of your friends, which shouldn't be a blanket statement.

@AvoidingRealHumans have you ever been in a relationship where the partner goes out and doesnt come home till 3-4am and then they need to spend half the day in bed to have adequate sleep while you are left to deal with DC, so effectively you end up having to do the bulk of looking after DC all weekend?
As opposed to coming home at 12, getting enough sleep with a small lie in of say 7-8am and then they can do their fair share of parenting.

I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does, but ive been there and got the t-shirt its not fun!

I don’t think it should take this much hard work or scrutiny OP. If it’s right it just works and you don’t feel like someone has to prove themselves to move on to the next stage.

Milestones are a red herring, because they can be manipulated to happen whenever you want them to, or never happen at all but it still be a happy functioning relationship.

You sound quite young, what with having such a linear view of what order things should happen in and what needs to be achieved to move things on.

If your partner is leaving any doubt in your mind about the space you occupy in their list of priorities, they’re probably not the right one.

I’d except my birthday to take priority over most people’s birthday(eg his friends), is that what you meant?

Other things, kind of depends on what the event is and who booked first. My big event at the last minute would come before casual but already booked event with a friend.

Also, if you don’t live together, don’t have any children then you are completely unreasonable to be expecting him home at midnight. What impact does it have on you? It’s just controlling.

Even if you did live together, who is he hurting by coming home late?

Is the bigger issue here that you don’t trust him?

I shouldn't have made the comment about nights out and kids, because it's not a relevant example here. I was basing that on a totally different situation with a friend who also complained to me she didn't feel put first.

I mean more situations like:

Date night planned for Friday, last minute plans with friends gets planned for Friday, your date night gets cancelled. Ergo for casual family meals. That kind of scenario.

I think it depends on your age and the relationship and if children are involved.

When I was younger I expected to be put first, now I’m older and wiser I don’t expect it. I have my life, he has his and we are separate people with separate needs. We are there for each other when the long call comes or when the chips are down and to me that’s worth more. Basically I don’t feel I need to be validated anymore by someone else because I do it for myself a lot more now.

I wouldnt accept someone repeatedly cancelling plans with me for nights out with friends. If it was very occasionally, for them to do something good then fair enough. It all depends on age though as well.

OK, in your situation OP I would not expect to come first above family and friends. I'd expect to be important, but not the Number One Priority.

Who likes the kind of bloke who drops his family over a girl? Or mates, for that matter. A healthy balance of give and take.

You sound young op.
Move on .. this boy is not right for you.
You want him. He wants everything. ..and you last. That is 185 red flags right there.

Not an expectation until marriage or kids imo.

Even a friend who regularly cancels a lot because of a better offer is off putting.

Your post reads like a one way ticket to codependency which is a one way ticket to relationship hell, speaking a a recovered Co dependent.

I think people's answers to your questions are irrelevant tbh, and it's so dependent on the stage of your relationship (which can't be defined by anything as arbitrary as time together or milestones reached IMO) and the personalities involved.

What matters is whether the people in the relationship are happy. If he's cancelling on you regularly and you're not okay with that then a conversation needs to be had, and if you're not on the same page then the relationship probably doesn't have legs.

It's something I try to teach my children to stick to plans if possible.

My dp has his faults but it would have been hugely exceptional for him to cancel on me last minute to see friends. In fact I don't think I ever did it. I wouldn't however have minded if it was unusual - 'Completely forgot, Dave is in town, would you mind if we did tomorrow instead? I'll make it up to you.' Once in a blue moon is fine. Things change.

But I would feel shit if it happened regularly. I think if you're feeling like this you should tell him honestly. 'It makes me feel crap when you stand me up last minute for your mates.' He might just have very different ideas about what is acceptable. Have the conversation and you'll soon find out how much your relationship matters and whether you are compatible.

@AryaStarkWolf

Basically if you two have a baby together and he's out all the time and cancelling on you all the time, yeah I'd have a big problem with that and would feel like I was bottom of the pile

This. My DP was like this after DD was born. When we were in a relationship but child-free I was more relaxed about it all, but once my DD arrived I changed and he didn't. He still thought he could party all night and lie in bed all day to sleep it off. I was knackered, had PND and I couldn't cope, so I left him.

We reconciled once he'd realised that it wasn't that I wanted to stop him seeing his friends, but to acknowledge that his priorities had changed and to act accordingly. It has worked out in the longer term but I've never forgotten the way he put his friends first during a period when we should've been a little unit.