Do you expect your boyfriend to 'put you first'?

[putfirst]

By boyfriend I mean a serious relationship where you have been seeing each other a fair while, met one another's families etc.

By 'put first' I mean making sure that your needs are met as best as possible, listening to your concerns and trying to accommodate them, loyalty, sticking to most plans made with you even if other plans come up or you are invited to something else at a later date. Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc. Obviously it's a 50/50 situation and you would expect to give the same treatment back that you receive.

TBH I wouldn't cancel / double book anyone unless I absolutely had to, no matter who they were. If you've made an arrangement with someone you don't blow them off because you've got a better offer. That's really rude. He's not treating you well.

Really depends on how often it happens. If every Friday was date night but only has casual meal with friends once a months then perfectly reasonable to cancel date night. Theees give and take in relationships. Putting person on pedestal isnt healthy

If it was serious I'd expect an invite for the most part

This is the exact reason I would not date someone who had allready had children, as they're time will be for them, their children and then you, well as yours would be for you and then them, I would not want to be waiting around on days off whilst they have to look after their children, I def would not accept that.

The dog thing is not a positive, but for you. St that stage he would only have been seeing you for a few months, expecting him not to get a dog because you work from home is a bit much. You don’t even live together.

No children and not living together and just dating, I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Normally, I equate a partner as wanting to come first always as a red flag as it’s controlling and pushes out others I personally feel.

I still agree with the very first reply after your opening post.

I understand you are trying to get a 'broader picture' but most of your examples are still "it depends" for me.

I think your issue is that you feel it is somehow a competition between you and his other interests, or his other friends or family, rather than whether any of us feel we need to be 'put first'.

Because we are grown ups, dh and I sometimes make decisions to shuffle plans around, when things come up, and we then have a diary clash. It isn't an issue. But then, I don't feel any need to "be number one", I feel that sometimes, it just makes sense to join friends on the night they are going for a curry on that night , or to watch the big match on the TV on the night it is played , rather than stick to something which is easily done the day before or the day afterwards (a meal for two or watching a film or whatever) and missing out on the other activity. I would prefer to do both, and I assume dh would prefer to do both.

This has always been the case, from when we started going out many decades ago. Yes, got more complicated during the years we needed baby sitters, but as two individual adults, I don't see the need to create that 'competition' in the first place.

YANBU

Not to rain on your parade but this doesn't sound particularly serious to me. You don't live together, he cancels on you when he could invite you, 'forgets you', made major decisions like getting a pet as if your future isn't linked. If your really young fair enough
But it doesn't sound great to me.

Always be your own priority hunni, men come and go.

I think whatnyiure trying to get at is more when do couples start making decisions as a couple, rather than for themselves? Like he got a dog, which had it been a joint decision you would have vetoed. The answer on that one I guess depends on the couple, when they get serious and how much they plan to merge their lives.

The whole “putting each other first” thing might not be the best way of putting it, it comes across a bit controlling and needy, like a need to prove status.

I think I’m terms of cancelling/rescheduling—I don’t see anything rude about doing this to a partner, but that’s just my boundaries. If e.g. I had dinner plans with a partner for Friday, but a big group had plans to go out out for Friday, I would message partner to ask whether they would be ok to move to Saturday. If they couldn’t reschedule I would stick with my initial plans, but I wouldn’t choose to date someone who would take issue at that. (Would be different if at very short notice). And if I was dating someone and seeing them every day, I would definitely not expect them to cancel plans with a friend and “put me first”—and if someone ever asked me to do that, without a bloody good reason, they’d be out the door.

The thing is, we were already discussing living together when he brought the dog and I'd already expressed why this would be terrible timing and wouldn't work with my job. Then after getting said dog, promised we could train it in a way that wouldn't affect my job. It's ended up with me busting myself silly to try to train a dog which he then admits he doesn't 'police' or train the same way when he's at his house because our lives are completely different.

Another example from last week; we were meant to spend the week together but he cut it short because a last minute plan came up for him to have dinner with his parents on Friday. He asked how I felt about it and I said it's fine, go and enjoy your dinner with your family, we had plans on Saturday anyway. So that's all fine. I then get a text on Friday evening saying can we reschedule our plans for Saturday because all of his guy mates are going out. This annoyed me because it happens quite often, in addition to him having plans he 'forgets' about, then he plans things with me and ends up cancelling our plans because he's reminded about his original 'forgotten' plans.

It is totally dependent on each situation, I just wanted to know when the general consensus was for starting to put one another first, become more of a partnership I suppose?

I would expect anyone to put children and older people first. Though after them, yes a boyfriend or girlfriend should put you first.

OP, seems a bad relationship and you deserve better.

I don’t like the idea of putting a partner first before friends, family, self, etc because any one of those things can and should be first at times. My DH and I view ourselves as a team, we are equals. We also understand that there is no #1 all the time between each other, friends, family and self. Sometimes, our partner or our family is first. Sometimes taking care of ourself is first, and sometimes a friend in need is first. It’s all situational. The important thing is to communicate and agree on what is priority in each situation.

Doesn't sound like this relationship is going anywhere. He just does what he wants to do when he wants, and it sounds like he only spends time with you if you're the only option.

I would dump him. You deserve better.

I don’t think it’s about who you put first, it’s about being reliable. If you have plans with one person then you don’t cancel them without an exceptional reason (illness, friend having a crisis and needs help etc.) - not just a better offer.

Also, why are you not included in the invitation to go out with his friends or have dinner with his family? That would bother me more.

@DuckonaBike

This is what I meant, I think I have worded myself very badly. It does upset me that I am not included in these things, as I include him when it comes to my family but this is not reciprocated.

putfirst have you tried to talk to him about this? It does sound as if you may both have very different expectations about the relationship.

Whose children?

I've read all of your posts putfirst and everybody else's. You're on a hiding to nothing, sorry, because do you know what? Even if every single poster on this thread agreed with you, validated you and told you that he was being completely unreasonable and that you were right... it wouldn't change a thing in his world.

You are not as important to him as he is to you and that's really obvious. Sorry again.

@putfirst

The thing is, we were already discussing living together when he brought the dog and I'd already expressed why this would be terrible timing and wouldn't work with my job. Then after getting said dog, promised we could train it in a way that wouldn't affect my job. It's ended up with me busting myself silly to try to train a dog which he then admits he doesn't 'police' or train the same way when he's at his house because our lives are completely different.

Another example from last week; we were meant to spend the week together but he cut it short because a last minute plan came up for him to have dinner with his parents on Friday. He asked how I felt about it and I said it's fine, go and enjoy your dinner with your family, we had plans on Saturday anyway. So that's all fine. I then get a text on Friday evening saying can we reschedule our plans for Saturday because all of his guy mates are going out. This annoyed me because it happens quite often, in addition to him having plans he 'forgets' about, then he plans things with me and ends up cancelling our plans because he's reminded about his original 'forgotten' plans.

It is totally dependent on each situation, I just wanted to know when the general consensus was for starting to put one another first, become more of a partnership I suppose?

Don’t move in with him.

He is unreliable. Doesn’t take your needs into account, just his wants. And then he leaves you doing all the hard work whilst not lifting a finger.
G

You can do better than that. And you deserve better.

If you are not happy in this relationship you should end it. It sounds like you want to be with a man who is more willing to share his life with you, which is perfectly reasonable. This man sounds selfish and immature.

OP in your head you seem to be framing this as “We’re at X stage in our relationship and he should be treating me in Y way”. And that’s not a bad table to have in your head in some ways, but I think you might be better off for yourself thinking of it as “He’s treating me in Y way so we’re at B stage in our relationship.”

He’s treating you casually, keeping you at arm’s length from his family and friends and making big decisions Without taking their future impact on you into consideration (the dog). You aren’t at “moving in together stage” of a relationship. Your at “kinda casual, nice to see on the weekend and go hols with some of the time” stage.

So stop treating him like he’s the most important person in your life and think about if a casual but comfortable relationship is what you want or whether you should drop him and create an opening for someone who might be more interested in something more serious.

It is totally dependent on each situation, I just wanted to know when the general consensus was for starting to put one another first, become more of a partnership I suppose?

If I were to try and pin that down, I'd say at the point a couple seriously starts planning a permanent future together.

Does he even consider living together as 'permanent'? Some people don't really, not in their heart of hearts. They still feel there's an 'escape clause' because they haven't made that 'final commitment', marriage.

The fact remains that YOU think he should be putting you first right now and HE obviously does not. Or perhaps, he already thinks he is putting you first, in the ways HE wants to be put first. Perhaps you cancelling on him for other plans isn't something that would bother him.

Even if you sit down and actually tell him your expectations in plain words, that doesn't mean he'll follow through. As the old saying goes "Watch what they do, not what they say".

Tell him what you expect, watch what he does. Dump him if he doesn't or can't live up to your expectations.