Do you expect your boyfriend to 'put you first'?

[putfirst]

By boyfriend I mean a serious relationship where you have been seeing each other a fair while, met one another's families etc.

By 'put first' I mean making sure that your needs are met as best as possible, listening to your concerns and trying to accommodate them, loyalty, sticking to most plans made with you even if other plans come up or you are invited to something else at a later date. Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc. Obviously it's a 50/50 situation and you would expect to give the same treatment back that you receive.

It depends. If date night is every Friday, moving one to sat night so you can go on a friends night out is quite acceptable. If it happens regularly date night needs to move?

It’s difficult to respond without context. Certainly if we didn’t live together, home time on a night out is irrelevant as it wouldn’t affect me.

You sounded reasonable until I got to "Putting your relationship above selfish desires, friendships etc."
That sounds controlling and over the top. In particular it makes it sound as if you get to choose what desires are selfish, and who he gets to be friends with.

Date night planned for Friday, last minute plans with friends gets planned for Friday, your date night gets cancelled. Ergo for casual family meals. That kind of scenario.

That’s shitty behaviour. How often do you see each other?

Re planning to move in together etc, you both need to be on the same page. Some people get there after a few months and others after a few years.

If you feel that your boyfriend is dismissive and you aren’t a bit of a psycho (wanting to see him every day, sending him a hundred texts a day and annoyed if he doesn’t reply for an hour), then I don’t think I’d continue the relationship.

Ah, just saw your update! Apologies, not sure if my post applies now.

Sorry op I have no idea from this about your actual situation and how he’s acting, the hypotheticals you are putting out there are all completely different situations.

Overall however I would never want to be dating someone and feel unable to cancel on them, likewise I wouldn’t want someone rescheduling me a dozen times. But I have no idea where on this scale you are.

I would not expect to have a planned night out cancelled because a “better offer” came along unless it was something very rare and exceptional. But only if we had specific plans, I wouldn’t expect one night of the week to be sacred i.e. can never make plans for Friday because it’s “date night” is unreasonable but can’t make plans for this Friday because we’ve already made plans to see a movie and grab a bite to eat is reasonable.

But that’s just me. I like a bit of flexibility but don’t like being let down at the last minute frequently. You may be different.

It sounds like your feeling a bit taken for granted and I wouldn’t be thinking about making things more serious with someone who I felt was taking me for granted.

And I added with PPS that setting arbitrary time limits on nights out are not on - I know women like this and they are as controlling as the men we hear about too often on Mumsnet. You can not dictate who his friends are or when he sees them. It is not acceptable. You can only hope he likes you enough to spend a good amount of time with you too. But would he want to if you are exhibiting controlling behaviour? It's not fun and it's not attractive.

I think at this stage of a relationship you oils be on a par with family and close friends. If you have date night every Friday then yes I would expect to be cancelled on occasionally as that is a key social hour to fit you all in but perhaps would expect to rearrange to another period over the weekend. I don’t think I’d expect to be invited unless other partners are.
If you are expecting to move in together soon then I would expect there to be more casual things you are invited along to so people see you more as a couple but still expect him to go on his own sometimes.

I think you’d get more helpful responses if you actually posted what your boyfriend has done, and didn’t mix it up with borrowed examples about boyfriends and husbands that aren’t yours 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I have “date night” with no special plans and can easily re-strange, and a fairly night out with mates crops up for my boyfriend, and he asks (not tells) about re-arranging - and I know if I have a good reason to ask him not to cancel me then he won’t: then I’d be the one telling him GO!

If he’s constantly ditching our plans for others... I’d end it.

*fairly rare

That's not about a relationship to me, it's about manners, if I have confirmed plans with someone but then a better offer comes up, tough I've already committed to someone else, friend, family or partner (unless they'd be happy to come with and that's appropriate).
I didn't really expect DH to put me first, still don't, he should put DS first, and sometimes work has to come first, he should of course consider me and talk to me but I don't always trump what he wants and vice versa.

In general, you and the children should be first and your DP should want to spend time with you.

To illustrate, helping friend in trouble and cancelling plans with DP as a one off seems fine.
Always or frequently prioritising friends or fun so not being a parent is not fine.

Coercive partner might try and isolate someone from their family and friends so not fine.
Reasonable partner should not always be last.

Seeing family and not dropping family when someone gets married seems fine. Always putting family in front of partner is not fine.

If they come in at 3am and you have to get up at 6am for early rising children then how many days a week/weekend does your DP get up with the children or does this mostly fall to you?

I'm not even certain that describing it as 'putting you first' is doing you justice, OP. Is it more of you always being last?

@WhatWouldJKRDo

OK, in your situation OP I would not expect to come first above family and friends. I'd expect to be important, but not the Number One Priority.

Who likes the kind of bloke who drops his family over a girl? Or mates, for that matter. A healthy balance of give and take.

tbf to the OP (even if some posts are confusing) it's her that's being constantly dropped in favour of other people not the other way round. That would be very annoying.

If you are a year into a relationship and don't live together then I don't think you need to put your partner first at all times. Going out until 3am is fine in this scenario I think.

Yes I would @putfirst.
And I assumed that was a given in a relationship.
I’ve learnt the hard way, it’s not and if you want to be treated well, you need strong boundaries rather than for it to happen naturally.

@putfirst

No, not living together. But in a situation of age / stage where you are beginning to discuss living together... but still being cancelled on in favour of nights out and casual get togethers with family and friends etc.

If you are at the stage of talking to move in together then wo a doubt, i would expect him to not put you second.

If this behaviour is making you wonder if there is any point moving in, I’m with you there.

Cancelling at the last minute or always putting you second to friends and family would send alarm bells. I would also wonder if he actually was that into me.
A year in should be the honey moon phase where you want to spend all your time together. Not the other way around.

@WhatWouldJKRDo, at what point would you consider it normal for someone to put their partner first?

Because, I personally wouldn’t want to move in with someone who never puts me first. I couldn’t trust that they would actually want to spend time with me.
So if one needs to wait until they are moved in together to expect to be put first, what is making you think things will change once they are living together if it has never happenedBEFORE they moved in together?? I’m confused there.

Regardless of what people post, you’re obviously not happy with the situation so you have three options. Firstly, you can accept the situation as it stands, and make no changes. Secondly, you can actively make changes to the situation, ie, discuss the situation, put in some boundaries, etc, or you can leave.

You can't really say 'should X do Y?' when it comes to real life. Life is not 'one size fits all'. Different people have different expectations. We each have a right to live our lives as we see fit and to have a partner who either wants the same lifestyle as us or who is willing to 'put up' with our lifestyle. It's all about finding someone whose expectations are the same as (or 'doable with') yours.

So regardless of 'what a boyfriend should do' it sounds to me as if this guy isn't meeting your expectations. So you need to let him go and find someone who does. You don't have the right to change him.

have you ever been in a relationship where the partner goes out and doesnt come home till 3-4am and then they need to spend half the day in bed to have adequate sleep while you are left to deal with DC, so effectively you end up having to do the bulk of looking after DC all weekend?
As opposed to coming home at 12, getting enough sleep with a small lie in of say 7-8am and then they can do their fair share of parenting.

I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does, but ive been there and got the t-shirt its not fun!

To me that would depend on whether I also get the chance to go out with my mates and not come home until 3/4 am and then leave him to deal with the DC. If it's every few months and equal opportunity then it's fine. If it's often and only one way then that's different.

Op. Relationships are about compromise.

You can turn your quesrion on it’s head, if you were prioritising him then surely his desires should come above yours? Not your own selfish needs?

Honestly. You can’t have it both ways. Relationships are about compromise, respect, mutual understanding. It’s not about demanding to come first. That is the very definition of selfish.

@putfirst

No, not living together. But in a situation of age / stage where you are beginning to discuss living together... but still being cancelled on in favour of nights out and casual get togethers with family and friends etc.

Don’t move in with him. He’s pissing you off already by putting his mates and family before you, it won’t get better if you live together. It doesn’t necessarily mean either you or him are in the wrong but you’re not compatible. From what I understand of your posts. It was all a bit confusing with hypothetical scenarios that weren’t relevant to your relationship.

I dumped my ex because he didn't put me first; I always seemed to come behind his friends and family in his priorities. I was always the one having to "flex" plans and arrangements because something came up.

Funnily enough when I said it wasn't working for me and we should split up, he suddenly promised to do all the things I'd been asking to do but he'd never found time. He thought that would make me stay but it just annoyed me more as it was proof that he could have done those things with me any time, he just chose not to.

I think as a solid couple you would automatically run it past your DP before making solo arrangements, yes.

I agree, this relationship has no legs. It’s not working for you. You wish to be treated like you come first. He wants flexibility and to see his mates or family if it comes up and to be able to move dates. It’s on,y been a year, you don’t live together. Move on.

If my husband had said after a year I need to feel like I come first snd this is what you need to do, i can assure you he’d not be my husband. However we are different people.

You sound very unhappy. So end it.