To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

Would be reasonable my post above should say

I understand why you want to go op, but apart from it not being fair on your son or husband to be apart there is also the Covid situation. Say you did go for a month or two then the pandemic gets worse and all flights are stopped, you could be out there months! It’s really not a great time to be going abroad at the moment.

You need to get your situation sorted first here as if you went everything would still be the same when you returned from NZ nothing would have changed. You can’t run away from your problems

It's actually just occurred to me that I know a number of people who in normal times work in the hospitality trade in the area I live in from April/May to October/November every single year in order to send money home to their families in Kenya, Sri Lanka, the Philippines etc.

It might not be the norm for us in the Western world but for plenty of people that long term sacrifice offers the best results for their family, and it sounds like in this case a one-off period of time with her Mum & Dad might ultimately be the best result for the OP's family.

Are your parents retired? Could you suggest that they come over to the UK for 4-6 months instead? I know the Covid situation makes it trickier this way round, but it would avoid the likely breakdown of your marriage associated with taking your baby away from your husband for so long.

I honestly feel for you. It's been hard for everyone, but your circumstances seem particularly isolating.

If I were your DH though, and you suggested this as an option, I'd assume you wouldn't come back. Your loneliness is obviously a stronger emotion than your love for him. So why would you jack in a happy life in NZ to return to a life in the UK that has made you so unhappy?

It would be unfair to do this to your DH without having tried every other option. Your GP. Your HV. Expat groups. Your friends from your former home. Support charities. Volunteering. PT job. Toddler groups. Your ILs. Get your mum to come here to stay.

I know it's hard. I know you are lonely and I can feel your misery through your words. I honestly feel so sad for you. But I don't think running away is the answer.

Not saying anything that hasn't been said already, but you are failing to acknowledge in your replies the impact this will have on your Husband.

At this age your child will change so much in 4 months. The last time my family (overseas) saw my child he was just starting to crawl. Five months later he is starting to talk and running around splashing in puddles. They finally got to see him in a brief window this summer when it was possible. Everyone agreed no amount of video calling will show adequately what a child is like.

I understand how you are feeling, I'm feeling hugely isolated and cut off from family at the moment, but you need to properly consider and acknowledge what you are doing to your husband & his relationship with his child in this scenario and talk about how he feels about that.

Although I said earlier that a shorter visit would be OK, I have to agree with more recent posters that working through the problems with your husband, instead of going home to your parents, will ultimately make your relationship stronger. That’s my experience from 20-plus years of marriage and seeing my friends in LTR. Going home to Mum and Dad when things are tough isn’t ideal ( aside from extreme circumstances like DV). If you do go, make it a shorter timeframe and clearly agree with your DH when you’ll be back.

OP I'm sorry you're having such a struggle. Under the circumstances I would accept your in laws offer of help. I'm sure your GP and Health Visitor would support this solution.
Neither of the other options - status quo or going to NZ are in the best interests of your son or you or your DH.

@ittakes2

Would NZ let you in? I’m Australian and my understanding is we can’t go back to Australia at the moment unless we have compassionate reasons.

This isn't right. If you have aus citizenship then you can re-enter Australia without permission (you need permission however to leave in the first place). However getting a flight into Australia is near impossible and you also have to pay for quarantine when you arrive.

I was in a similar situation, 13yrs ago. We moved from England for DH's job to a very close knit country (not as far as NZ). I hated it, couldn't make friends found it very insular and ended up with PND, but battled on until DD was 1.5. my mental health took a huge nosedive, I could barely look after myself, let alone my child. DH took 2 weeks off work, but he had to go back and I was still struggling. He actually suggested going back to my parents for a short while. So I did, for 2 months. It was enough time for me to recharge and for the ADs and beta blockers to kick in. There was never any question about staying away permanently. I went back to DH, and made the decision to put DD in nursery part time, so I could do some things for myself and we made other changes.
DH didn't suffer from not seeing DD for a couple of months, he caught up at work and had lots of time to relax after the stress of looking after us. DD loved the time getting spoilt by grandparents.

It’s a bit using a hammer to crack a nut, isn’t it? “I’m really really lonely during the day so I’m going to move to the other side of the world where I know three people”.

I honestly don’t think it’s the way out of the situation you are in. There are baby groups and classes open, go to every single one you can fit in. Go on local Facebook groups and apps like Mush. Ask your husband to take a couple of weeks annual leave. Keep in touch with your old friends and arrange to see them every month or so. You have friends and a family and opportunity to make more, so I do think such extreme loneliness is more likely to have an underlying cause. Perhaps revisit the GP?

You aren’t happy, and so get a little bit hardfaced about it and strategise your way out. You can do this without leaving your husband and taking your baby to the other side of the world during a pandemic.

Yes I could consider 3 months instead. 4-6
was just a rough idea I discussed with mum last night.

I just really want some family support and to get out of this horrible deep depression I feel I’ve fallen into.
I don’t want to take my son away from his father. I just need a break.

I don’t think my husband would want to quit his job given the opportunity was only given to him last year. But perhaps it’s something we can discuss.
I have no intention of permanently staying in NZ.

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time here. It's very normal in international marriages to spend periods apart. It's not wrong to consider it.

Talk to your husband and see how he feels. If he hates the idea of being apart from you and your baby for so long, can you brainstorm alternatives? Could he get a sabbatical and you all go?

@GinAtMerlottes

It’s a bit using a hammer to crack a nut, isn’t it? I’m really really lonely during the day so I’m going to move to the other side of the world where I know three people*

My whole family is in NZ.

No you're not being selfish to consider it. Thinking is not a selfish act!

It's interesting that you say your DH is really happy, when you have a baby and are suffering from depression. Is he unaware of your mental health problems, or not taking them seriously?

I think the first thing you need to do is try to ascertain how severe your mental health issues are, and if there are steps you can take in your current situation to improve it.

But ultimately if you are afraid for your mental health you need to do whatever it takes to help yourself. And I desperately wish I had said the same thing to a friend who is no longer here. It's impossible for anyone on the outside to know what you are coping with. The MOST important thing for your child is that his mother is with him and as well as she can be. So you need to prioritize your health.

You need to get your DH on the same page ideally. Legally I don't think you can take the baby out of the country if he doesn't give permission so that is an issue. Talk to him and then give him some time to think. If he won't agree, he needs to help you find a way forward.

Points to consider;
How long would you have to quarantine upon arrival? Would you and son be alone for this period?

Are you willing for your DH to miss your sons first Christmas, first steps, first words...

Could you go soon and stay for six weeks? Home for a family Christmas and some annual leave for your husband?

Could you visit your in laws? You are in a restricted area but are they?

Could you visit a friend in former area?

I just want to go and spend some time with mum and dad. For them to meet my son. A few weeks just isn’t possible given the current circumstances
Why not? Whats wrong with going 6 weeks, back before Xmas?

Of course, there is the risk you won't be able to come back. Your son not meeting his grandparents is their doing. They gave aDS they've never met and a DD in such mental pain, she's prepared to risk her marriage for some daily company and help, yet they are not prepared to come to you. Why not?

If I was your OH, I'd be very pissed off with them that because of their selfishness, he is expected to not see his son for 6 months and possibly for many more months to make his wife happy.

@Threelittlekittens08 OP I'm feeling very isolated and lonely myself right now and also still have a touch of post natal depression. I'd be happy to chat if you'd like me to pm you??

Can your parents not come here for a few months?

What do you think would be different on your return if you did go away for 6 months? It’s not really tackling the main issue is it more like hiding from it.

I know couples which are currently living in different counties, due to COVID, COVID-related delays in immigration, work choices, family needs, and so on. It's really difficult, how to manage it would need to be discussed, and I think exploring other ways of meeting social needs like online spaces and social apps (recently other posters recommended peanut and Bumble BFF in a post on loneliness) should be a priority, but it isn't automatic universal divorce that some think.

I think a discussion of the loneliness with your DH is important. I'm not sure visiting family in NZ right now is the best answer for you, but I don't think it's wrong to want to talk about the feelings and desires about wanting to go is wrong. Not talking about it certainly won't help.

I also find it weird people think they can tell the OP where her home is. I haven't been to the Midwest in over half my life now, I still have roots there even though none of the family I know of still lives there. Home is very personal and people can have more than one & sometimes things like having a baby or isolation can make one long for another home (even a home that no longer exists) when already at one home.

yet they are not prepared to come to you. Why not?

Well, NZ is Covid free for a start.

Seriously this post is baffling me. I don't understand how you can think of taking your child away from his father especially this close to Christmas. Your willing to risk your marriage, your child's relationship with his father and potentially your husband missing most of his firsts for you parents who aren't prepared to come and visit you?

I think people are being harsh calling you selfish... you need time to work on your mental health and you need support. Baby needs a happy healthy mum. No point in going so far for a few weeks either. What about going for 2.5/3 months and hubby joining you for a few weeks at end then coming back together? Sometimes temporary separation is inevitable, I don't see why depression is not seen as a necessary reason to have a break. However , would this be enough or would it only act as a plaster on a bigger issue? Do you need to think about long term solution?

What if you change your mind and decide to stay in NZ?

How does that work in terms of your child's relationship with his father?

If you don't come back then you are depriving your son of his father.

He can stop you going but presumably he can't force you to come back?

I think you should go, even if just until Christmas. You sound so isolated. Your husband will be fine.