To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I'm sorry to say this but I think it's your depression talking. You seem to think this will be some kind of magic remedy. I don't think it will be. Instead, I think it will spell the end of your mariage.

Many of us are cut off from family. I will have gone 4 years without seeing mine, as a best-case scenario. I am in a mainland European country with strict restrictions and basically leave the house a couple of times per week, other than to walk for exercise. Yes, it's hell and really hard, but I'm not going to leave my husband over it.

The more despressed you are, the harder it is to motivate yourself, but I think the biggest favour you can do everyone would be to force yourself to connect with others (not doing something just because you have to wear a mask shouldn't be an excuse). You need to consider your child's welfare here.

Is there any way your mother (probably retired given your age) could come and live with you for a few months and accompany you to baby groups, in exploring the area, etc?

@Threelittlekittens08

Yes I could consider 3 months instead. 4-6 was just a rough idea I discussed with mum last night.

I just really want some family support and to get out of this horrible deep depression I feel I’ve fallen into.
I don’t want to take my son away from his father. I just need a break.

I don’t think my husband would want to quit his job given the opportunity was only given to him last year. But perhaps it’s something we can discuss.
I have no intention of permanently staying in NZ.

Could your husband take parental leave? I’m not sure exactly how it works but it’s common now for parents to share it and the man can take a couple of months. Or do you have to be working for that to be allowed?

Post-natal depression scares me silly but its a big thing to take your baby halfway around the world without there dad. What if your not happier in new zealand?

My parents had valid visas and booked flights home. It still took them two months after their booked flight to actually get on a plane.

Planes are still flying but it's nothing like as simple as just booking flights and showing up at the airport.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I don’t know why some people are being horrible about it.

You are saying you need a support network, and the only one available to you is in NZ. Clearly it’s not feasible to just pop over for the weekend. I completely understand why you want to go for a few months.

I say take the opportunity while you can, once your child is in school, long visits won’t be feasible.

I hope your husband will understand that you need more support than he is able to give, in the current circumstances.

Also on the local lockdown rules and DH’s parents... not sure if it applies to where you are, but you can have an exception for childcare. I think his parents coming to stay to give you a bit of help/a break would count as childcare.

@Cantbreathe2020
Sadly the L word is still a taboo.. but so many of us feel it
Loneliness is real.
It needs to be spoken about much more.
I remember the crushing isolation of changing cities 2 weeks before DS was born.
Loneliness is much commoner than we realise.
But if you mention it to people, they run for the hills.
That was my experience so I learned to keep quiet about it.

What do you think would be different on your return if you did go away for 6 months? It’s not really tackling the main issue is it more like hiding from it.

I really disagree with this. The issue is that there is a mismanaged pandemic in the uk and she is in a local lockdown area. The OP is stuck at home unable to meet people easily because of the restrictions. There's every chance that the local lockdown will have lifted in six months time, and she can start a new life in that area.

Also, she's not just going to hide away, she's going towards something positive - strengthening her bonds with wider family members and giving them a chance to get to know her son.

OP you do know you have to go onto managed isolation for 2 weeks when you get to NZ? You can't dictate where this is and it is not at your parents residence. If you feel isolated now how are you going to feel after a long haul flight with a baby, jet lag and then stuck in a hotel for 2 weeks? I'd persevere with trying to meet people where you are. I've done that flight repeatedly but only once with a baby and it was horrendous without adding covid into the mix.

I can see why going to NZ would be the best option for you but it isn’t the best option for your baby. And unbelievably cruel to your husband. Also kind of weird that it’s ‘home because that’s where your family live’ when you have a husband and a child. They are your family. And I say that as someone who lives hundreds of miles away from parents, siblings etc and has no family support.

I think if your husband is okay with it you should go for 3 months. My colleague went back to South America for the last 3 months of her maternity leave and her dh who works in my team used the time to sort the flat out, catch up on work and see friends and his family (he is italian). yes he missed those 3 months but he has more than made up for it with his daughter and his wife enjoyed being cared for by her family and seeing her friends. There is nothing like a hug from your mum. You can still skype or zoom every night and hopefully you will return fresh and ready to make friends.

Again, would all those saying go be happy with their children being taken away for several months? Including their first Christmas? I am just astonished!!!

Could you go and stay with his parents and form a household with them for a few months? Not ideal and would still leave your husband on his own but if you get on well with your in laws it would give you company and help with the baby and things might start to feel better. They will know people and groups might be open, you may want to settle near them permanently.
You may still want to go to NZ soon. Its another option

I think posters are being very harsh and forgetting or not realising how isolating having a baby can be, even in normal times. I don't think going to NZ for a few weeks would be unreasonable. It may be just what you need. As for your current isolation, I don't know if it's been mentioned but I believe there's an app called Peanut, for mums to connect on. My DD is expecting her first baby very soon and has made a couple of local contacts from it (she didn't know anyone in her area). I'm concerned about her as she's a 2 hour drive from us, so we can't just pop in, so I can only imagine how your mum feels with you being on the other side of the world.

Also, you could look at Meetup. There may be something local to you, or you could start a group. I set up a group on there a couple of years ago and it's been a great way to meet people locally and make new friends.

At least talk to him about it. I get it, I’m from NZ and would have loved to go back for our 3mth summer here, but we don’t have the money. They’re living normal life there, my family are all seeing each other, out hiking, at restaurants, travelling the country. I wouldn’t go for so long though. I think the 3mths would be a good compromise.

As for selfish, the OP has moved to support her DHs work, as I have incidentally, needing support other than what he can provide in the evening isn’t selfish. I’m facing the possibility of being stuck where I am forever because of work, and h is about to work in another state for 2 years. So yeah, I’d be a bit ‘selfish’ too if I could afford it

I dont think thats a good idea if you want your family to stay together. . You just have to make the best of things. It won't be forever.

[quote oakleaffy]@Cantbreathe2020
Sadly the L word is still a taboo.. but so many of us feel it
Loneliness is real.
It needs to be spoken about much more.
I remember the crushing isolation of changing cities 2 weeks before DS was born.
Loneliness is much commoner than we realise.
But if you mention it to people, they run for the hills.
That was my experience so I learned to keep quiet about it.[/quote]
Yes, loneliness needs to be taken seriously.

It has a crushing impact on your health and gradually warps your outlook.

There's such a stigma against saying you're lonely and how it's impacting you.

I’d make plans to go just after Christmas as January/February can be miserable weather-wise in the UK so you won’t be missing much!

That way, you have something to look forward to, your DH will spend the first Christmas with your baby and you’ll get some support.

Why not ask your parents to come to you for a few months instead ?

Including their first Christmas?

The thing about first Christmas's is that babies tend to be oblivious to them. And is the family even religious? Not everyone celebrates Christmas.

So you want to just leave your husband all by himself during a pandemic , and take his child away from him too?! Your baby needs his father, not his grandparents. What would your dh even say? If he says no you can’t go he can legally stop you taking the baby away , you need his permission to fly the baby out of the country.

Unless you want to risk your marriage ending then I wouldn't do it.Youd be putting your wants before your child and its relationship with his dad.You are being U.

Those who are utterly against this, think it will destroy the marriage - have you ever lived or worked abroad? Are any of your family from foreign countries?

I'm amazed at the shock people are expressing at this idea. In many communities it's completely normal for families to live apart for periods of time - armed forces, international jobs, immigrant families, caring for elderly relatives abroad. There are practical reasons why it can be the best choice, and it does not have to spell the end of a happy marriage.

@workshy44

Why not ask your parents to come to you for a few months instead ?

If OP's in a local lockdown area, this might be illegal.

Maybe you should go alone and your dh can hire a live in nanny and you can FaceTime your baby for 4-6 months.

This ^^

How could you do this to your baby and husband. Can't you see how unbelievably selfish it is?

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and that needs to be addressed but not by punishing your baby and husband.

Oh OP, you really are getting a tough time on here.

Firstly, the title of your thread “leave my husband temporarily” has probably come across to a lot of people on here, that you see this “trip” as perhaps testing the waters to life without DH?
I’m not suggesting this is the case, and from
reading your replies I get the impression it’s not, but people do have the tendency to get carried away and read into things too much.
Hence the suggestion of lawyers... 🙄

I think a lot of people on here are really failing to take into consideration just how hard things must be for you right now.

It seems to me that you aren’t a selfish person when infact you made the sacrifice to leave your job and friends in order for DH to peruse his career opportunity.

I think that under normal circumstances that situation would be difficult. Throw in a new baby and a pandemic, it’s a recipe for loneliness and the deterioration of your mental health.

I totally underhand you want the support of your family and in all fairness even if DH family have offered to come and stay, it will not be the same as being around your own mum and dad when you’re at your most vulnerable.

I have to agree with other posters that 4-6 months is a very long time.
Someone else had suggested 3 months, 2 weeks to quarantine and 10 weeks with your family, how about considering that?
Plenty of fathers and mothers work away from their children for prolonged periods of time and they do just fine.

I really do think you need to address the issues at home too. When you come back from your break, won’t things just be the same? Are you going to consider the changes you will have to make to better your life in our current circumstances?

I do feel for your OP. You sound at a very low point.