To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I do understand your loneliness, OP. I also moved for DH’s job when I was pregnant (so had to leave my job) and it was v. hard with a baby and no support. I enrolled on a Master’s degree so that gave me an outlet- but of course, that wasn’t during a pandemic! I could also go to a playgroup and made friends there.

I think it would be fine to visit your parents for a while ( if you can get flights) but I wouldn’t make it six months, that’s too long. You do need to keep working on your independent family life with your DH and your child, or your relationship will break down. What about a three-month visit? Two weeks for quarantine and 10 with your parents. Make sure your DH has solid plans over Christmas...or perhaps go right after Christmas as it’ll be hard for him to miss the first Christmas with you baby.

It’s tough as the moment, OP, but you’ll get through it and make new friends eventually, this has just been the worst ever year to do it.💐

I dont think you are being selfish. You sound as though you are struggling with depression and being half a world away from your Mum is just exacerbating it. However you absolutely are not being reasonable in wanting to take your son away from his father for such a long period. What about your husband. You haven't mentioned anything about how you would feel being away from him for so long and you arent considering the devastating impact on him or what this kind of separation will do to your marriage. He could also forbid you from taking his don away under the terms of the Hague convention.

I think you would have to really work on your marriage and recognise that it may well affect the bond your ds and dh have which may take years to fix.

I don’t think the OP said she has any issue with her marriage as such. Just that the current circumstances are making it impossible for her. She got the shitty end of the stick there, though neither the OP nor the her DH are at fault really.

And re the bond between the dc and the father.... are you saying that fathers who are in the army and regularly posted abroad for months have an impossibly damaged relationship?

I'm old, I've seen bit of what happens to marriages in this type of scenario.

Please talk to your DH about your struggles. If you just up and off he is likely to feel very hurt and rejected, and may chose find someone he feels does actually care about him.

In 4-6 months babies change so much. What you're proposing would be outrageously hard on your DH and your DS too. I agree with others that if you go your marriage will likely be over.

If your DH was my friend I'd be telling him to sort a lawyer, quickly.

No way would I do this. You can maybe get help if you feel so down, I am sure that taking your baby, and having this separation would make you feel worse in the long run.

OP are you in a tier three area? New restrictions today are going to ban any travel outside these areas, I thought.

You are getting a very hard time here. It sounds like you are really struggling and are looking for support from your family rather than just wanting to go to New Zealand. Could you go for 2 or 3 months max? 4 to 6 months is a very long time. That would give you time to see your family but wouldn't be as long. How does your husband feel about this? Would he be supportive? Would he be happy for you to go on a shorter visit? He would need to be on board with it otherwise it could cause issues.

Also have you spoken to him about how unhappy you are? And if you do decide not to go, can you speak to him about a plan to help you in the UK? Can you think of any ways he can help support you?

Not sure if any of these will help but things that people often use are counselling (which you are already having), getting out for a walk with the baby (daylight is good for warding off SAD as we go into the winter months), try the baby groups again (if you meet anyone, you could meet in the park for walks?), yoga and meditation are great, make sure you are eating a good diet etc, trying to plan some activities you enjoy.

Hi there OP, I think if you are struggling you should go. It may be the end of your marriage but maybe not. My DH and I have lived apart for x 2 periods of 6 months in the last 4 years due to his job relocation. I have always kept our DS with me but he is a bit older. I also know many friends from when I was living in Asia who lived apart from their spouses and kids and sometimes kids living in NZ with grandparents while parents worked in China. Just be prepared for your DH to possibly move on from your relationship too. I have quite a few friends who have been trapped in/out of NZ and Aus and their homes in Asia because of Covid so this sort of thing isn’t unusual at the moment. Don’t listen to all the dramatic posters on here and do what is best for your family. Good luck.

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for you. AIBU can be extremely harsh and if your mental health is poor then I hope this thread will not be too damaging for you.

I had PND. I don't think I could have tolerate the situation you are in and I completely understand you can't continue like this.

I really hope you can find a solution with your husband.

Sorry but this would be awful for the father and for your child. I can’t actually believe people are saying it’s a good idea to leave the poor bloke thousands of miles away from his own child for months on end.

If you want to go then fair enough, but you don’t just by default get to take the child away from its father. Leave the child here and let Dad sort childcare etc if you must disappear for months.

I'd be going if I were you. Go.

How would you feel about your husband taking the baby from you for 6 months. I'm sorry but you are unreasonable to even consider it.

Of course you should consider going. You're lonely, depressed and need family support. You left your job and the place where you were settled, and relocated to support your dh. It would be extremely selfish of him to say no. Obviously you'll need to talk it through and plan things. Lots of families manage travel and long distances, it's really not unusual.

Surely you need to tell your DH first just how bad you are feeling - so bad that it's even occurred to you to go back to NZ for a few months! He may not realise how difficult life is for you, and he deserves the chance to try to problem solve with you not be presented with a fait accompli decision. As PP have said, there are other options available to you, such as a little rule breaking so your ILs can stay, moving back to your old area, even him taking a leave of absence whether to go to NZ or just be with you here. It sounds to me like you have decided this is the solution and are trying to justify it?

Don't think its as easy as that clarinsmum. The OP would probably be able to go but legally her husband could block her from taking their child with her.

I'm in a similar situation, although my family are not so far away.

I moved from Scotland to Ireland 3 years ago. I got a job working from home which was silly as I didn't get out and meet anyone. I got made redundant in May. I now have a 10 month old and know nobody.

It would be much easier on me to move back home to have all my family around me. My sister hasn't met my baby yet due to covid. But I made the decision to move here. Yes, I'm very lonely and really only talk to my partner. But I would never in a million years even consider moving back and taking my son away from my partner. In the long run, my life would be ten times worse and I wouldn't want my on and partner not seeing each other every day. I'm sorry to say its extremely selfish.

I'm trying to get through it by making plans for during the week. The library one day, wonder round local shops another, a fairly local nature park. Also swimming one day when that reopens. It might still be isolating but it's better for me to have an aim for that particular day.

Remember it won't be like this forever. Baby groups will reopen. You will meet people. Don't make a decision like this to improve the short term when it can hegatively effect your family in the long term. If you can, go for a month. Maximum. Any more than that is not fair on ur husband or ur baby.

I can understand how lonely you must feel OP but put the shoe on the other foot. Say you were the main breadwinner and your husband a SAHD and he felt like you and wanted to take the baby away from you for 6 months so the baby could meet his family. You would have to quit your job if you wanted to go with them and it’s not even a certainty that you would get into a country where he has citizenship but you don’t.

It’s not fair on either of you but I’m sorry I think it’s really really unfair on your DH. And really what it all should boil down to is what’s best for your child. And I can’t see how being away from his father for 6 months can ever be a good thing for your son.

@Threelittlekittens08 Oh bless you. I know it's so, so tough. My case was different in that my DP wasn't home at all, hardly ever, because he was a complete twat, and it worsened my depression after having a tough birth. So I really do sympathise with the loneliness. I didn't do baby classes because I couldn't face them, and I didn't have any friends with babies so no support there.

So I left and stayed away for four months and, whilst in the meantime we reconciled, it was so hard to leave my family and they were devastated too, as they'd bonded with my DC. They're now in a local lockdown area and I haven't seen them since last October.

Obviously your DP isn't able to work remotely, but is he able to maybe take a sabbatical and come with you in the first instance? What would job opportunities look like out there for him?

In the meantime, go back to your GP and discuss it with them. And be as absolutely honest as you can be with your DH.

I think you should start looking for a job, the market has picked up considerably now. Leaving your husband for 6 months should be an absolute last resort.

I get why you want to do something but taking your baby away from his father and the only family other than you he knows isn’t fair on either of them

Some peoples reaction on here are very harsh. There are plenty of couples that spend months apart and have great relationships. I do think 4 to 6 months is a bit much for a couple who has never done it before. But 2 months should be doable.

Go over to NZ for January and February, you will have something to look forward to to push you over Christmas and New Years and your will spend the UK's most depressing months in the New Zealand Summer.

With a bit of luck restrictions will be lower by then and you husband might be able to join you for the last bit and you can travel back together.

Don't stay longer than 2 months.

1st because I'm assuming you will be staying with family so after those two months you will start getting in each others way.

2nd because the length of your stay will not solve your depression. You will run into a lot of the same problems over there as you find here, but now you don't have a husband to support you through it. Use the time in NZ to recharge, refocus and make plans on how to improve your social life in the UK.

I think going over to NZ is a good idea. Lots of expats do it. But not for too long. And naturally you husband needs to agree with it.

I personally think 4-6 months is too long and would be unfair on your DH but I can totally understand how you are feeling and don't think a shorter stay (2-3 months maybe) would be unreasonable assuming your DH will agree to it

What type of man is your DH?
If he is quite laid back, practical, has robust mental health himself then it would likely not permanently damage your relationship with your DH or your DH's relationship with his son
Only you know your DH well and whether or not he could handle the separation or would be likely to struggle

Im at the idea that people are proposing to break the lockdown rules just at the time the number if people in hospital is growing exponentially tbh.

I’m also wondering what the heck the problem DH is supposed to propose? There are no baby classes, no way to make friends. None of that is going to change no more than the fact the OP is going to get more support (I think counselling online was already pretty good going from the nhs tbh).
That sort of situation is shitty and I have to say, bar telling the OP she might be better working full time (if she can find a job that is) and have her dc in childcare, I’m not sure what else can be done.

If I were you I would go till Christmas and come back in January. I just finished my maternity leave and our whole family went back to my home country for a year. Time with family is very important, you get to recharge your mind.