To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

Apart from voluntary taking your son away from his dad My worry would be that you're unhappy, going away and having a lovely time will only emphasis how unhappy you are here and I think that will make coming back very difficult. If you do come back I think you'll be really unsettled about being back here and that could cause a huge issue in your marriage

If you do decide to go then good luck with that 24 hour journey alone with a baby. I did it with my ds1 when he was 6 months old - Auckland to Heathrow. Nightmare !!

Unpopular opinion on this thread but I think you're getting a very hard time in a lot of responses here OP.

Firstly of course the very first thing you need to do is talk to your Husband openly, before you start looking at flights/quarantine etc. I've done a cursory google and yes it looks like both you and your baby can enter the country. Your partner too although I don't know if you'd need to be travelling together.

Assuming that your DH is in full agreement, and it's possible for you to get there, I don't think going for circa 3 months would be the end of the world. I know a few inter-country couples who've spend similar amounts of time on the other side of the world with their DC before they started school. Lots of people work away from home for months at a time and get by with communication and technology, it's not necessarily a definite death knell for your marriage.

That all said, if your DH isn't happy with the arrangement (and he has the absolute right not to be) then there are some great suggestions already in this thread.

I could never even consider take my daughter away from her father for several months. It's selfish.
You need to speak to a gp about your mental health. You can't run away.

You haven't answered any of the questions about support for PND/talking to GP or midwife.

Please do that first. It won't fundamentally change your situation but it will make uour far better equipped to consider your options.

You cannot take your child away from its father for 4-6 months!!! Given what you’ve said it’s unlikely you’d even come back. Can not believe you’d be so incredibly selfish. As soon as you had your child you should’ve realised you have to make the best choice for them which is not to take them away for their father for so long!!

I think you are being incredibly unreasonable and selfish. I am gob smacked that some posters have said this is reasonable, presumably women who think their child is their property.

You need to put yourself in your husbands position and ask if you would be happy to not see the baby for four to six months. That should be your answer. Your family are your husband and your baby.

I find your parents choices here really odd, I can’t imagine moving to the other side of the world and leaving one of my children. Do they really have your best interests at heart here?

I do love New Zealand, it's such a beautiful country. Bay of Islands is just heavenly.

To the OP, I have to agree with the fairer OP's on here, that if you decide to go ahead and travel to NZ with the child, it will spell the end of your marriage.
If you do feel happier in NZ and your MH improves, why do you think you would want to come back to how things were before?
Also the loneliness you are feeling would happen to your DH and to a much worse extent.
I understand this is a very difficult time, but there are many other options you can explore first.
I would agree with others and maybe having a relative stay with you would be a much better idea, and fairer to your DH and DC .

I think the best option as someone else said

If the OP posted here that her DH wanted to go abroad for six months not a single person would be supportive of it. Not one.

It is ridiculous to suggest that even three months away from a baby is ok, babies do an awful lot of growing in three months, how many posters on this thread would be wanting to be separated from their baby for that amount of time? Yet people seem to think that it’s ok for a man to be expected to do so.

If I were the DH I would be going to court to ensure that the OP not be allowed to remove the DS from the country. Because once she goes she will have the upper hand and would be able to keep the DS in NZ permanently when she inevitably decides she doesn’t want to come back to the UK and files for divorce instead.

Bet she’ll still want maintanence though...

OP, you prioritise your own interests over your husband's and your child's..so yes, it is selfish. You keep saying going for a couple of months is not possible, your parents coming to your place is not possible, but why?
If my spouse decided to even try to take my child away for 6 months I would get a lawyer.
Yes, post-natal depression is tough, but it can't justify running away from your family(yes, husband and child trumps parents) so you feel better.
Unless of course you want to divorce.. Though in this case you might not be allowed to take your child with you either.

I just want to go and spend some time with mum and dad. For them to meet my son

Can’t your parents come here? Why not arrange that for some time in the near future and then you’ll have that to look forward to.

Earlier you mentioned wanting to go to NZ because that’s where your family was, but your family are here - your partner and your DC.

If your parents can’t visit, can you FaceTime every day or two?

Apart from the GP visit, you really need to get out. Libraries are open in many areas, nurseries are open, etc. Walking is free and good for your MH. Your HV might have some suggestions too.

@BigPlanes

I find your parents choices here really odd, I can’t imagine moving to the other side of the world and leaving one of my children. Do they really have your best interests at heart here?

@BigPlanes

I’m 34. I’m not a child.

We’ve been so fortunate over the last 5 years that every year they come here and we go there.

The OP really misses her family who have never even seen her baby and she's all alone and depressed - that's hard at the best of times. I remember how hard it was that my DM had passed on before my youngest was born.
You'd hardly go to NZ for just a week or so, and maybe 6 weeks or so with her family would do her the world of good. All she can do is talk it through with DH and find a way forward that suits them all. It must be worrying him afterall that she's so unhappy and it might be a relief for him to know that this would help her, even if he misses them for a while. Partners in the forces or oil industry are often away from family for months but still manage.

Would NZ let you in? I’m Australian and my understanding is we can’t go back to Australia at the moment unless we have compassionate reasons.

Move your husbands parents in for six weeks. Chill, sleep, exercise etc

Then have Christmas here with your dh and son.

Then mid Jan, go to NZ for six weeks to catch up with your family.

But before all of that, go back to your midwife or GP and get your meds sorted....

I'm really sorry, OP, but I do think YABU. I do get it. I had my children abroad and was desperately homesick for years, and that was without a pandemic. But it's just too long. At that age 4-6 months can mean a child is completely transformed. And all those firsts your husband will miss, and that your family will get. It's so unfair on him. In his position I don't think I could get past that.
I do think that getting help from a GP should be your first priority. I'm sorry that it's so hard.

4-6 months in a babies life is huge. There are circumstances where it must happen like military service, but it’s not to be taken likely.

Add in that you want to take his child to a place he isn’t even allowed to travel. That would have me calling a lawyer if I was him.

It sounds like a horrid time of things OP, I know you’re getting a bit of stick but I understand.

You need to talk your DH, desperately. The fact you’d consider such a huge thing proves how much you need some support - see what he says.

You mentioned him going with you if he quit his job - is that financially viable for you?

none of us want to be rule breakers

So rather than bend a couple of rule of crudely put together rules, you would rather risk your mental health by staying so isolated or your marriage by leaving the country?

The rules on coronavirus are for dealing with just one aspect of life. You have to take responsability for your mental health, OP, and if you have to break or bend a rule to look after it, so be it.

Op, you sound quite distressed and I can understand why. I don’t think YABU to want to go to NZ. However it wouldn’t be unreasonable for your dh not to support you in this.

I think you would have to really work on your marriage and recognise that it may well affect the bond your ds and dh have which may take years to fix.

I wonder if there are other options, can you work and dh be a stay at home parent? You will be able to meet new people?

Or can you both work part time?

I also think things will be the same when you return, and the phase of meeting new mums will have happened without you.

Try going back to your baby group and when you are outside collecting your buggy see if anyone is walking the same way. Maybe you can strike something up.

@Threelittlekittens08, I ca relate to how you are feeling because I have been in the same boat (wo the pandemic) of being away from family, incl my own, no support from DH family, no network to rely on and at home with my dc after been used to work full time.

It’s crap, utterly crap and I really understand why you are wanting to go to NZ.

The thing is I would NOT frame it as ‘leaving your DH’ which sounds so definite. But as you going to get the support you need at this moment. Support for you, your dc, your MH.
Support you can’t get atm due to all the restrictions.
In some ways, it’s not that different from relocating to the other end of the country and been unable to see each other for a couple of months due to the current restrictions.

I would also go with a precise end line in sight (let’s say no more than 4 months) but with a review after 4, 8 and 12 weeks. I suspect that your feelings will change with time.
I would also bear in mind that many couples live in that way. Anyone married to someone in the army will have had long periods when their partner will have been posted somewhere. Their Relationship didn’t automatically explode. I do think you need some clear boundaries around it (when to come back, no more than x months etc...) as well as a plan for you to settle back to the uk again.

The big question though is what does your DH think about it?

I would ask on a local Facebook page if there any others in a similar situation to you: new to the area, new baby, and know nobody. There will be others. Then set yourselves up as a nice support group that you can message each other for now, and maybe meet up as restrictions lift.

Sorry yes you will be let in!
People who don’t have family overseas a long haul flight away don’t fully understand how it can be different for couples being separated. What matters is what your husband thinks. While it’s not ideal that he doesn’t see your child for months - he might prefer to know you are safe from covid. My husband has told me I can take the children down under if I want to - but they are in school and my husband needs my support during this period. But if I was you as long as it would be ok with your hubby I would go.
NZ entry link
www.health.govt.nz/our-work/diseases-and-conditions/covid-19-novel-coronavirus/covid-19-information-specific-audiences/covid-19-advice-travellers