Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

721 replies

Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:12

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 13/10/2020 13:20

@Dottyandbet

I’m so happy that the conversation went well with your husband. It sounds like he’s really supportive and absolutely understands your needs. Like you I was shocked by so many of the unsupportive responses on here. The answer isn’t always medication or counselling sometimes the most positive action is looking at what positive changes you can make to help you to feel better, which is exactly what you’ve done. Keeping everything crossed that your husband can take leave but if not your plan b sounds perfect. I imagine that it must feel so much better to have a plan for some much needed company and support. Wishing you all the very best.
Why shocked? People think the op's wishes are unreasonable and have said so and why. You can't demand people support something they don't think is the right way to go. Why post to a public, heavy traffic forum asking for opinions on a course of action if unwilling to hear that many people don't support it? Not agreeing with OP's choices in no way means not wishing her well. Explaining why you disagree with OP's choices is reasonable- more reasonable in fact than simply saying "bad idea OP" without giving an indication as to why.
BackLashStarts · 13/10/2020 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Terrace58 · 13/10/2020 13:37

People thinking this is a horrible plan has nothing to do with not respecting mental
health or holding women to different standards. We are recognizing the risks involved in international travel during a pandemic plus the flaws in international custody laws.

Haenow · 13/10/2020 13:40

@Crayolo

It's funny how military children survive, yet I suppose a woman making a choice for their own MH should be guilted to feel like the child will forget their dad. Jeez.
Children ‘survive’ all sorts, of course. Most of us aim for thrive. Not that it’s relevant because OP isn’t going for 6 months and in military families, usually both parents agree and accept the quality of life. This pandemic is a whole other ballgame.
vanillandhoney · 13/10/2020 14:17

@Terrace58

People thinking this is a horrible plan has nothing to do with not respecting mental health or holding women to different standards. We are recognizing the risks involved in international travel during a pandemic plus the flaws in international custody laws.
Exactly.

But it seems you can't disagree with an OP at all anymore without being accused of being mean/nasty/unsupportive/horrible.

GrouchyKiwi · 13/10/2020 14:33

Hi @Threelittlekittens08. I'm so glad you had a productive talk with your husband. You've worked out a really good plan, and I hope you're able to travel.

Re the quarantine: a friend of mine did it recently with her husband and nearly-two-year-old daughter (whilst also VERY pregnant) so if you want to know what it was like for them please feel free to PM me. They stayed in a facility in Auckland before moving to Christchurch.

I hope all goes well and you get to see your family very soon. Flowers

BlueThistles · 13/10/2020 14:35

It's funny how military children survive, yet I suppose a woman making a choice for their own MH should be guilted to feel like the child will forget their dad. Jeez.

Military wives and husbands survive too... we just get on with it... whilst our other halves are overseas for 8 or 9 months... that's hard .. I still work overseas several times a year... but my children are older now... it either works or it doesn't.. for us it works but we work at it together 🌺

YouokHun · 13/10/2020 14:36

Entirely sensible to try and hammer something out with your DH. Only he knows what he’s OK with and I suspect he recognises that your unhappiness needs to change and of course he wants to facilitate that. No one here can speak for him. Try to ignore the negative comments where they attack you; none of us are experts on you and can’t possibly take a rigid position on what you should do or what you’re like. But among the negative comments there are some good points about the practicalities etc.

It does sound like you’ve had the perfect storm of change and isolation and I think it could fell anyone. I’ve had the same situation as you but without the Covid element so I can totally appreciate how tough it’s been. Obviously there are some significant Covid related issues but I can see how the trip will help to recalibrate you so that you can tackle things more easily.

I’m not sure I agree with medication and therapy being a generic solution though, just because people have suggested it. I think it might be very helpful as you put a “recovery plan” in place to have an impartial person to help you plan things and consider things you might not have thought of. Perhaps a more active approach like CBT which would help you identify ways of thinking and what you’re currently doing which aren’t helping you or might cause you problems later. Managing depression isn’t necessarily a straight climb out of it and I think it could be useful. A decent practitioner isn’t going to offer a generic solution, it would be tailored to your needs and your goals. I say this as a CBT therapist specialising in PND and it’s my experience that checking in with a neutral someone who understands the nature of depression can help keep things on track and push you to do things that will help you, is a good thing. It doesn’t have to be a weekly navel-gazing session or endless discussion about the meaning of life, but rather a plan that identifies the hot spots (like the arrival back in the U.K. after your trip) and helps you plan to manage them. Anyway, just a thought and a defence of therapy Wink. Good luck and I hope things go well for you.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 13/10/2020 14:47

I really think you're choices here are -

  • Explain to him how you are feeling where you are currently. Think about whether there are any ways you can make the situation better. He might have some ideas. You need to be sure what it is about things you are finding hardest and then you can work as a team to combat it at home as a family.
  • Move back to your UK friends.
  • All move to NZ.
  • Invite family for a holiday here.
  • Go to NZ for a holiday of perhaps three or four weeks absolute maximum and only if your husband is happy for you to take baby.
  • Go to NZ but not take baby. Obviously, before I'm set upon, I don't for a minute think you'll do this but you absolutely must not take the baby away from its daddy for up to six months. The baby is as much his as yours and you would make them virtual strangers, he'd miss out on all those mile stones and bonding, and it would likely be the end if your marriage. Unless that is what you are thinking of. Because going halfway across the globe for six months, with a baby, to stay with your family, at a place you describe as "home" isn't going to change things when you get back. You'll probably just not want to come back. Do not take a baby from its dad EVER. Unless the baby is in serious danger from him which isnt what happening here.
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 13/10/2020 14:51

Oh, first post, hadn't read the update so ignore.
I'll be more thorough next time.

Louloubellekitty · 13/10/2020 15:18

OP, you and your husband must obviously decide what course of action is the right one for you all, as a family.

I just wanted to say, that with all you are dealing with, I think you are doing amazingly well. I have had two bouts of reactive/situational depression and it was truly awful. I would not have had the strength to argue with strangers on the internet, I think you must be a very strong character to have the reserves to do this.

maryberryslayers · 13/10/2020 15:34

Really pleased for you @Threelittlekittens08 your husband sounds great and glad you've sorted something that works for both of you, sounds like a great plan.🤞🏼 he gets to go with you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/10/2020 15:44

Sounds like you've worked out a good plan, good luck, I hope you feel much better soon - and enjoy the time with your family. Flowers

CheetasOnFajitas · 13/10/2020 16:24

You should look into his rights to take parental leave as they may help his case for getting the unpaid leave. Everyone entitled by law to 18 weeks between birth and child’s 18th birthday up to a max of 4 weeks at a time, though employer has significant discretion as to when it can be taken. (Nb this is not the same as shared parental leave after the birth of a baby).

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2020 16:33

Glad you and he have found a compromise that works for both of you.

MoonJelly · 13/10/2020 16:42

I'm really glad you've found a solution, but are you sure your husband can go to NZ if he's not a citizen? And do you have the money to spare to cover flights plus the cost of compulsory quarantine for all three of you? What are the chances of your parents coming to stay with you?

ZoeTurtle · 13/10/2020 17:09

@Crayolo

It's funny how military children survive, yet I suppose a woman making a choice for their own MH should be guilted to feel like the child will forget their dad. Jeez.
Plenty of us wouldn't have a "military child" (what a horrible term) and yes, they do forget. The OP's husband didn't sign up to be away from his baby from months on end, and there are other solutions to mental health problems. As the OP as already agreed.
june2007 · 13/10/2020 19:11

So you go for 8 wks but isolate for 2. (so actually only see your family for 6). Now husband could come withyou then leave eartlier which would probably be best because say he came 2 wks latter he would also isolate for 2 wks. (so £6000 in isolating costs) So if say he joined you for 1 month halsf of that is on his own.

therarebear · 13/10/2020 19:34

@Threelittlekittens08

Good on you! Sounds like you have both put a lot of thought into this. Your husband sounds like a goodun. I'm so excited for you! Enjoy your family time and I hope you come back feeling so much better! XXX

DontBeShelfish · 13/10/2020 19:40

@Threelittlekittens08 I'm really pleased you sorted everything out. You're absolutely right re: the generic nature of treatment. I definitely suggested therapy/GP to you because it's what I didn't seek out in the short term and I wish now that I had. As you say, everyone's mental health journey is different.

I hope you have a wonderful time if/when you get to NZ. :)

mbosnz · 13/10/2020 19:46

Threelittlekittens08, while you're over there, if you wouldn't mind - would you eat a whitebait pattie or a dozen or so, for me?!

Oh, and a pie, a proper pie - you know the ones, steak and mushroom!

And a saveloy. Give the little one a cheerio or two to gnaw on. . .

eaglejulesk · 13/10/2020 20:45

I've just read your update OP, and it sounds as though you have some good solutions. I really felt for you as I read through this thread, and it proves just how judgemental so many posters on MN are, and also how they cannot see anything outside of their own small lives. Especially when they are telling you how your DH would react - as if they know him better than you do!! I hope it all works out for your family, and I'm sure coming back to NZ and your family will do you a power of good.

dontchasewaterfalls · 13/10/2020 21:54

I’ve read all of this thread and it really, really saddens me how much people have judged the OP.

Admittedly I did think 6 months was too long, but I didn’t at all start thinking OP’s husband should get legal advice or prevent her from leaving the country.

It’s as if most people here thinks they know OP and her husband personally.

Good luck OP. I’m so glad you’ve figured out a way to go back to NZ.

It will be so much better than being here. How wonderful for your son.