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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

721 replies

Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:12

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 12/10/2020 22:05

You’re a citizen, but is your child? Could you even take him? Does your dh know you want to do this? Would he agree to you going for a few months? He can, of course, stop you going.

eaglejulesk · 12/10/2020 22:08

Mumsnet is like another world sometimes.

Never a truer word was said! Also, many people in the UK seem to be insular and have no idea at all about life in other parts of the world. I live in NZ, and it is quite common for people to come here to work, leaving their families behind. I know of one case where a woman who was living here went back to her home country, without her husband, to give birth to their first child. She re-joined her husband here when the baby was several months old - nobody judged, the little girl and her father have a lovely relationship now, he coped without her for a while.

I'm really sorry you are getting so many judgemental replies on here OP. Really, the best thing you can do is sit down with your DH and have a full and frank discussion, and go from there. I hope you come to a resolution which will help you.

Sweetchillichicken · 12/10/2020 22:17

I suffered badly with PND and I still couldn’t imagine taking my baby on an extended holiday like that 3 months is nothing to you but massive for your baby who will have many milestones your DH then misses. Then your DH needs to face the rejection of your son possibly being shy upon return. It would be horrible for him.

justasmalltownmum · 12/10/2020 22:18

4-6 months is a long time. I would suggest going nov-Dec and have your husband fly out for Christmas holidays.

Dottyandbet · 12/10/2020 22:27

I’m so sorry you’ve had some really harsh replies. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough year. Having a new baby can be hard enough without all the issues that the pandemic has brought. An extended holiday to see family in a place where Coronavirus is under control sounds like it would do you the world of good. Definitely worth chatting it over with your husband, it’s a tough ask but I’m sure he’d also see the benefits for your mental health and as you say hopefully you’d be able to head back in a better state of mind which would be beneficial for all three of you. As others have said maybe just two months would be an easier ask while your baby is still so little. I hope the conversation goes well with your husband and you can find something that works well for you all. I hope things get a bit easier for you. Hang on in there.

therarebear · 12/10/2020 22:28

@Christmasfairy2020

Where do your inlaws live. It may be that your marriage just isnt working and you need a break. I'd have chat and then go if u need to but dont 4get to tell husband u are seeing his parents as well as it will help soften the blow xxx
Where the hell has the OP said her marriage isn't working? FML...
winniemum · 12/10/2020 22:29

Talk to your DH OP. Hopefully he’ll be sympathetic.
I would be considering the same as you. Depression is a terrible illness. Going to be with your mum might just be the reset that you need.
Hope everything works out for you.

Yogatoga09 · 12/10/2020 22:30

There’s some really harsh comments on here that you just don’t deserve OP. You’re the one spending all your time with your son, your mental health is therefore a priority. If that means going to NZ for a few months to recuperate & get support then do it. I wish you all the best

Porridgeoat · 12/10/2020 22:34

Plus your DH look for a job close to your mums or old friends

Porridgeoat · 12/10/2020 22:34

Time for your DH to relocate his job to support your happiness

GoldfishParade · 12/10/2020 22:37

You won't be going back to the UK. Why would you when you dont like your area? Once you've spent 4 months in the warm embrace of your family in NZ, having left the UK at a moment of personal crisis, you will have made bad associations with the UK and wont want to leave NZ.

I think you should only execute your plan when you've put better resources in place for yourself in the UK, so that when the time comes for you to leave NZ you feel confident in coming back. It's not a good idea for you psychologically to "run away" at your lowest point.

Also you say none of your DPs parents are nearby. So does that mean you will be going to NZ and he will be spending the next 4 months including Christmas coming home to an empty house, potentially with another lockdown?

Harehedge · 12/10/2020 22:53

It's not a good idea for you psychologically to "run away" at your lowest point.

It's a good idea for a new mother to improve her situation at her lowest point.

Harehedge · 12/10/2020 22:55

you need help for your depression rather than thinking about going to another country.

Actually, depression can be triggered by circumstances, just like anything else, and a change in circumstances can really help. Family/community support is absolutely key for treating depression, especially postnatally. So your comment is rubbish.

SpaceRaiders · 12/10/2020 22:55

This place is unbelievable sometimes. I can’t believe how much flack Op has got on this thread.

Op take care of yourself. Your mental health is so important especially with a little one. As someone who went through PND twice, in a new location without adequate support, I can really empathise with how you feel. Not many here will understand the added stress of being so far away from home, from your loved ones, throw in a pandemic and your dh working long hours, it’s not a good mix. I hope you find a solution.

Harehedge · 12/10/2020 22:57

I think if you choose to go, you should leave your son here with your husband, unless he agrees that he can go.

What are you, a sadist? Her poor son.

The world doesn't revolve around men.

Harehedge · 12/10/2020 22:59

And so much better for her baby to be going out and about with supportive extended family, able to actually leave the home and attend baby groups etc. It doesn't sound like dad is around much.

Harehedge · 12/10/2020 23:02

Put your son in childcare and get back to work.

Just when people are being asked to WFH where possible.

Mumsnet is ridiculous.

And why should she? She has the right to make that choice. It sounds like her husband's job has made all the choices for her so far. It should not take away this time with her baby if she doesn't want this. Stop telling another mother to get back to work unless you're happy to be instructed what to do with your own baby. Having depression doesn't oblige you to leave your baby (during a global pandemic no less) and get a non-existent job.

Harehedge · 12/10/2020 23:03

Forget men. The worst enemies for women are clearly other women.

BluebellsGreenbells · 12/10/2020 23:13

and a change in circumstances can really help. Family/community support is absolutely key for treating depression, especially postnatally

Totally agree. There’s nothing worse than feeling home sick. It doesn’t just go away it hurts, it’s a longing. It’s not being ungrateful for what you have or where you live, it’s the craving to hear a familiar voice, to speak to people who understand you, to be loved and not judged.

OP go and take the baby, get refreshed, if moms not happy, nobodies happy.

munchmunchly · 12/10/2020 23:28

"Put your son in childcare and get back to work."

"Just when people are being asked to WFH where possible."

We don't know OPs previous job but employers wont want you WFH without putting your child in childcare. Not when they are 9 months old. Nursery's are open now.

Tunnocks34 · 12/10/2020 23:28

You need to speak to your husband really.

I understand, when my first son was born, my husband worked away a 5 days a week, and only came home at weekends. I moved in with my parents for three months (husband came and stayed there at the weekends) as the loneliness was unbearable tbh. I felt invisible. So I can completely understand how you feel, and why you want to go BUT I couldn’t be separated from my children for three months - could you? And with that in mind, would your husband? How would he feel missing your child’s first Christmas?

This year has been a shit show for the vulnerable, and new mothers - and I really do think your caught between a rock and a hard place here. I really feel for you as I remember the utter desperation I felt.

FWIW though - I would speak you your husband. He may welcome it in return for your mental health, he may understand completely. But be watery, as if he’s like My husband would probably say yes to make me happy, but I know he’d yearn for our children desperately!

Best of luck 💕

Antipodeancousin · 12/10/2020 23:58

You and your husband need to come up with a plan together because your current situation is just not sustainable. He is happily pursuing his career and enjoying his new son on his days off. In the meantime you are socially isolated, a huge risk factor for PND, and seriously struggling. Covid restrictions have obviously had a detrimental impact on your ability to meet new people.

If I was you, I would try my hardest not to panic about the risk of catching covid and get out to as many activities as possible where you might meet other new parents. But I’m not seriously depressed so it might sound much easier to me than to you. It is entirely reasonable to want your family to meet your son and support you at this time but of course at such a young age a few moths is a very long time will impact more on the relationship between your son and his father. It is definitely worthwhile having a conversation with your husband about how long would be reasonable though. Do you want to return to the area you were living in previously? Or would you like to start working a bit sooner that originally anticipated? I love the social side of work and have made so many friends that way, perhaps mum friends aren’t for you.

Hamsandwich2 · 13/10/2020 00:20

I have friends from other cultures who have gone home to their mothers for a number of months with their infant.

Coming from a single parent who had to forge friendships and support networks independent of family I think you should do what you need. If you are depressed and unable to support your wellbeing you need to put your own needs ahead of your husbands.

SuzieQQQ · 13/10/2020 00:26

OP there is no point thinking about this . NZs borders are closed!!!

lovepickledlimes · 13/10/2020 00:36

@Hamsandwich2 I myself grew up like that and would spend 2 months at a time. The problem is that this might not just be two months but potentially half a year. Also half a year where so many mile stones would be happening. She needs to discuss all options with DH and see what is best for the family as a unit