To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend a bit of time with your Mum and family, l hope your husband gets to go with you but if he doesn’t then the world won’t
My Dad and siblings live in another country and it’s been so hard, my brother had just became a Dad to twin boys when lockdown started, so l feel l have missed out on so much, it’s painful. It’s so hard for families who can’t see each other.
I can’t believe a loving partner would stand in the way of this.

I can feel the relief through your words this morning OP. I'm so pleased you can see a way forward.

In the meantime, do you think you could try some baby classes again? Not sure how this works in Tier 2 areas. And speak with your HV. Ask for some support.

I get that you're anti medication and you've already got talking counselling on the go, but I think it might do you and DS some good to try to get out and to see other people. Make contact with the lovely NZ poster on here who offered to chat. It'll also reinforce to your DH that you're determined to do what it takes to improve your MH.

You've had a bashing on here. And I'll be honest I was aghast when I saw your first few posts. But the further this has gone on, it's developed into a conversation that has hopefully helped you a little.

@Didkdt

Thanks for your input.

I had a very lengthy conversation with my husband last night. His needs and wants were covered!

What we came up with was mutually beneficial for us both.

My husband has worked throughout the pandemic. He works for a very lucrative business. He’s a long standing well respected director.
Getting unpaid leave isn’t a huge deal for him. I appreciate we are fortunate.

I haven’t read everything but think I have the main jist.... just wanted to pop in to offer my support. I TOTALLY get where you are coming from, I had my first baby in Dublin and my family were all in nz... no one tells how lonely it is having a baby :( husband worked such long hours, sucj king days. Especially in those winter months. For everyone’s benefit, myself and baby daughter went home to Nz for 3 months, husband joined us for the last 3 weeks, it was absolutely the best thing for all of us. Baby with grandparents, me being looked after, husband not feeling guilty fir working all hours. It really saves us as a family. I swam every day, ate amazing food and was totally spoilt. Face time is your gift (we did not have this 16 years ago)!. Of course he missed us, but in the long run it honestly saved me.

Xxxxx

OP your post made me cry.

I think other posters have been incredibly mean and nasty.

You are between a rock and a hard place.

Much love xx

Some horrific responses on here, OP it's bloody hard struggling with a baby at the best of times, let alone at the moment and without family nearby. Glad you have spoken to your DH, and hope you can work something out for all of you, time away with your family sounds like what you need.

Your son probably won’t remember his Dad after 4-6 months. I think it would be very self indulgent.
I am sorry for your situation but I feel your husband working hard and you leaving for 4-6 months would be very unreasonable and would be devastating for him. Your husband and child are your immediate family and they need to be the priority

I think it sounds like it could be a good idea. Not ideal, but it could work. Ask DH, explain fully the reasons behind it. He may be more understanding than you expected

Good to hear OP, maybe now step away from this thread. I have a colleague who moved to our UK office just before lock down and she has decided to give up her promotion and move back to her home country as her mental health suffered so much during lock down and she wants to be with her friends and family. And that’s without a baby. People on here mostly have no idea about how internationally mobile people live their lives. Good luck and hope you feel yourself again soon.

Your son probably won’t remember his Dad after 4-6 months

My DH deployed when DS was around the same age for 6 months and their relationship wasn't affected at all. This isn't any different.

I'm so glad you've been able to have a good talk with your husband and come to the solution of either going together or his family coming to stay for a couple of months. I think it would be allowed under tier 2 as it could be classed as childcare, plus I think your in-laws moving in would be classed as them moving house and that should be allowed?

I think sometimes people struggle to put themselves in another persons situation. I don't think you are being unreasonable, there are issues but if your husband is on board there's not a problem. You don't have to struggle through, it's OK to need and ask for support and help, especially from your husband and your family. I have young children and I don't have much support, I know it is very hard.

Im not sure I personally would like the 2 week quarantine when you get there (not like here where you could "beat the system" and stay at home voluntarily!!)

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Leaving your facility

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If you go (and especially if your DH goes too) can you afford the costs of quarantine? It's over $3000 per adult.

It sounds like you’ve made a reasonable and balanced decision with your husband. He sounds supportive and understanding which is great. The plan you’ve decided together sounds like it’s good for everyone. I think it was the length of time that got you those harsh replies, to be honest. Suggesting 4-6 months is a tad bonkers especially before you’d even discussed with your husband. A couple of months is totally reasonable and I genuinely hope it helps. :)
FWIW, it may be ‘breaking the rules‘ to have your in laws but if they’re staying with you, I think it’s perfectly valid. You need the support. This isn’t about seeing them, it’s about getting care and support which is allowed.

I’m so happy that the conversation went well with your husband. It sounds like he’s really supportive and absolutely understands your needs. Like you I was shocked by so many of the unsupportive responses on here. The answer isn’t always medication or counselling sometimes the most positive action is looking at what positive changes you can make to help you to feel better, which is exactly what you’ve done. Keeping everything crossed that your husband can take leave but if not your plan b sounds perfect. I imagine that it must feel so much better to have a plan for some much needed company and support. Wishing you all the very best.

Glad that the discussion with you DH has gone well and that you have a number of options and action plans for the next few months.

To be fair to the range of responses on here, your update is a far cry from the 4-6 months discussed earlier.

We all suffer op. We all have been without our parents for months on end. Without friends. Without normalcy. People disagreeing with you doesn't mean they don't understand your mh problems.

I wish you mh healthiness but wanting to do what you wanna do is naive and not well thought through. You treat this whole thing like the 2 week quarantine would be a picknick aNd leaving your dh is fine and that you can just book a flight to nz whenever you want and come back when you want ... This is not a real life plan, it's a fantasy.

When my DC was 9 months I went to Australia to stay with family there for 6 weeks. DH could only get away for 3 so I went ahead and he came and joined me.

When DH appeared, after not seeing him for only 3 weeks, DC, generally a happy, easy-going child, was terrified and screamed the place down. Dh's own child would not go to him for the whole time we were away and it was several weeks after we returned and were in our usual surroundings that their relationship got back to normal.

We were all very upset, but it was a miserable time for DH, also generally easy-going.

It's funny how military children survive, yet I suppose a woman making a choice for their own MH should be guilted to feel like the child will forget their dad. Jeez.

Hi op

Really glad to hear your outcome from last nights conversation. But mainly that you’ve realised that things will need to continue improving once you come back from nz and need to work on it. As a person that has suffered from mh problems I know that we always feel we need to fix the pain now without realising that the pain fixes slowly with time so glad to hear you’ll work on it

Wish you all the best and hope your next thread is that you’re in a better mental place.

@Crayolo

It's funny how military children survive, yet I suppose a woman making a choice for their own MH should be guilted to feel like the child will forget their dad. Jeez.

A young enough child will forget someone they haven’t seen for months.