To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

Erm, the OP is not talking about unilaterally upping and offing with the child.

And I'll say again - her mental health is down the drain, his is hunky dory, from the sounds of it, given that everything so far has gone his way. So, from a triage point of view, wouldn't you prioritise the one whose mental health is in the crapper, due in a lot of part to having enabled everything going his way? I mean, he's away for most of the week for many of these weeks, so he's already voluntarily missing out on this important bonding time, right?

Or should Mother and Child just be on stand-by to be wheeled out at his convenience, and bugger the impact on them?

And theres Xmas to consider too?

[quote mbosnz]**@therarebear - that was a lovely essay. [/quote]
Thank you. X

Would you ever consider relocating to no with your husband? That is if there are job opportunities out there for him.

I completely understand why you want to go.
I moved across the country with a 3 week old to be closer to family. My DH started a new job which also involved travelling for a full week at a time. I too suffered with terrible PND and anxiety so I understand the loneliness and the stress involved in caring for a newborn.
It isn't selfish for you to want to go, you are the primary caregiver and if you feel you will be happier to spend time with family and get support then you should go. Your mental health is important.
Hopefully your husband will understand why you want to go and be fully supportive of any decisions you make.

[quote hahoohayou]@Pembsgirl

Meanwhile, if you need your Mum so badly, is there anything to stop you FaceTiming with her all day every day?

Erm time difference?![/quote]
So how's it going to work for the baby's father to stay in contact then? And for all those saying it's like being in the forcs with the separation, I don't think there was much risk of DH saying, 'actually darling I'm finding it much better being deployed, I'll stay here permanently--like op could do from NZ'

I think you should go and about 3 months will be fine. Speaking as an international migrant (éclat some would say) it’s very very normal thing to do. Half the U.K. gov staff posted overseas have done the same this year - ie non working spouse returned to the U.K. for a few months for family support and a mental health break. My husband has several times been away from us for 3 months.

Some posters are so dramatic and getting this all way out of perspective! Go, rest, reset, be back by January (or stay for Christmas and go Jan to March). Sure you’ll both look back on it as an extended hol which saved your sanity (and perhaps your health).

Depression coupled with loneliness shouldn’t be underestimated.

Hmph expat not eclat (I hate that word!)

Given that the OP has said she's very lonely and depressed and desperately missing her family - there's been some cruel comments on here.

4 - 6 months would be a bit cruel. Sorry. One month would be fine.
You really have to talk to your husband about how you're feeling.

@TitianaTitsling

So how's it going to work for the baby's father to stay in contact then?

I’m sure OP and her husband will figure that out.

Pp had asked what is currently stopping her from FaceTiming her mother all day every day.
Time difference is the answer to that specific question.

Could you go for an extended Christmas break with him coming for a bit of it and you all flying back together? Might give you something to look forward to. Alternatively, can you meet them all in the gulf or Thailand for Christmas?

I'm really surprised - but maybe I shouldn't be - at all the people blithely suggesting OP goes, with her DH to join them for Christmas.

New Zealand's borders are CLOSED. Kiwis are allowed to return. Other people in limited circumstances might be allowed in. EVERYONE has to quarantine in a hotel for two weeks on entering the country. No exceptions.

OP's DH can't just join them for Christmas.

That's if there are even flights to get there, let alone flights to leave again.

[quote hahoohayou]@TitianaTitsling

So how's it going to work for the baby's father to stay in contact then?

I’m sure OP and her husband will figure that out.

Pp had asked what is currently stopping her from FaceTiming her mother all day every day.
Time difference is the answer to that specific question.[/quote]
Wouldn’t time difference be a problem for op and her husband as well ?

Some of these replies are really harsh. Lots of couples cope okay with a temporary separation like this. No, it's not ideal but nothing about this year is normal or easy. I can totally understand why you would want to go to NZ for a few moths if you have the opportunity and know that it will help with your mental health. I'd be very tempted too.

What about partners in the armed forces or men working away for months on end because they get paid well. Would that be okay to these pp s?!

If your marriage is strong and your husband is supportive, I say go for it. The only downside is that you may find you are not very keen to come back to the UK again.

My gut reaction is that going to NZ for a bit might not help. Perhaps for a holiday day of 3 weeks, but longer than that and you could also find yourself with time on your hands.
Ordinarily I wouldn't encourage anyone to break lock down, but this is the kind of situation where I think that you should seek out/befriend another mum in a similar boat and have coffee dates etc at cafes or each others houses. Have you spoken specifically to a charity that specialises in PND? If so, look one up and speak to them. They might also be able to put you in touch with someone in a similar boat. With depression, routine is extremely important. It's very hard however to think of things to do, so get your husband to draw up a weekly timetable for you and help you come up with ideas of things to do and places to go (including also skyping family and friends). Also, if you can, join a baby swimming group. Organised sports are allowed and contamination is low in a pool due to Chlorine. It's a great think to do to help with bonding and you are more likely to meet someone in a smaller group. The more you get out, the more your covid fears/worries will evaporate. You'll just get more used to it and feel more relaxed. Being a sahm can be very lonely at the best of times. Are you signed up to local parenting or community FB groups? Put a message there saying that you are new to the area and ask what there is to do locally with a baby or ask if anyone fancies messaging you to arrange a social distance catch up in the park. If you don't feel up to doing this, the get your husband to post the message on your behalf.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Devlesko

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him.

It’s home because it’s currently where my family are.[/quote]
But you're married with a baby .. are your husband and child not your family?

Honestly, I know what you're going through, but you need help for your depression rather than thinking about going to another country.

I know this won't help how you're feeling in the slightest, but I think most people are struggling with the pandemic - even those who had no slight issue with mental health before. So for someone who was already depressed, it is such a difficult time. I don't think that will change by going to NZ, though, and surely you will miss your husband and he will miss your son, and I just don't see it being a positive experience for you.

I think if you choose to go, you should leave your son here with your husband, unless he agrees that he can go. Perhaps a break would do you good. But honestly, I don't think going at all would be in your best interests.

Also see if your husband is able to take an after noon off once a week for a month if so (mid week) to help split up your week.
Finally, do you care to mention the city where you are living? If so,there will be lots of friendly mumsnetters who are able to help give you advice on things to do in your area.

Op are your parents retired? Won't your relatives be working? Will they actually give you the company and support you desire?

I had a baby in January too, and my DH worked away and out of the house long hours throughout lockdown, but this is my second baby so I had a 3 year old already. Pandemic or not a first baby is a massive change the days seem longer, it's the grind, you can't get a break or get much done. I realise you have PND, but you can't expect others to do masses for you. I survived my first in a new area we moved to for an affordable family house, by making one friend and going on walks and slowly I got to know more people. Slowly through classes, through waking and saying hello and passing the same people, slowly more chatting. It's hard but you have to make a big effort. It's almost like dating. Would you like to go for coffee and being given excuses !! But you have to try, tough times now and with the weather change. I'm trying again as need new mum friends for my second.

Now my parents visit once a week but live 1.5 hours away. And my PIL don't visit as have health issues, maybe see once every 3 weeks if go to them.

Or return to work ? Tricky maybe with your DHs hours, same for me. I do understand 💐

Go for it. You and your baby deserve it.

I'd go if I could. Good luck

Where do your inlaws live. It may be that your marriage just isnt working and you need a break. I'd have chat and then go if u need to but dont 4get to tell husband u are seeing his parents as well as it will help soften the blow xxx

Can your parents come here or if inlaws are in UK go stay with them xx

I think it will be great for you to have a break and be with your parents for a little while. Not just because of your mental health, but because they are probably dying to meet him and spend some time with you. NZ is so much safer, and when you get back, it might be time to find something to occupy you. I hope your husband feels the same way about it and supports you. Zoom calls every day with baby, so that they don't miss out too much on each other.

Being so depressed that she's on medication and sent for counselling, feeling isolated, saying she needs the support of her family, and all people can think of is how she's running off with the child?? She isn't just crying about having 'friends' and being bored. She's trying to live! Imagine if the worst were to happen! No empathy.

It's interesting that people who have most of their family or DH's family, in other far away countries, get it. All this talk about how the baby will forget his dad and her DH will file for divorce! Such rubbish!

OP, I get it. Right now, it seems nothing else will do but to be with your family. Speak to your DH. See what he suggests and come to a solution together.

I think a shorter visit would be fine but you're not really fixing the issues that would await your return, and I don't think it's fair on dad (or baby) to be away from both of you when you actually need his support too. I think there's more you can do here before you do something as drastic as going to the other side of the world, in a pandemic with no real idea when you would come back. That doesn't sound like a plan with good outcomes.

But if you are in the midst of a depression, escape is all you can see. Rational thought is harder to come by.

Go back to the GP.
Talk to your husband and your in laws today/tomorrow.
Put baby in nursery 2 mornings a week.
Join a gym or outdoor fitness group ( have a search for buggyfit)
Do some part time work
Have old friends come and visit, or go and visit them
Have a spa day or weekend
Plan a uk family holiday - DH can take holidays
Have NZ family come over here
Consider new hobbies for you, not everything is about the baby.

You need help in the UK to get well. Going to NZ takes you away from your husband, your medical care ( and baby's) and your opportunity to make things work.