To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

Just have to add that whoever has not been in this situation themselves has no idea what it's like to have a baby and not able to have your own parents to meet the newborn. It feels soul crushingly lonely. Like the joy you have doesn't really exist. I've been there. It means the whole world to see your own family adore the new family member in the way only grandparents can.

If my daughter rang me and was in this state, as a mother I would come dashing over to help? Is that not an option OP? I am surprised that she would ask you to come to New Zealand (knowing the quarantine rules and isolating units, whatever they are

The only opinion that is really important here is your husband's. He might think that the support of your family for a couple of months would be wonderful and be prepared to forgo seeing his son for that period or he may be unwilling to countenance being apart from him for so long and want to look for solutions nearer to home. I think you need to respect his feelings in this as it must be a joint decision.

I can really see why you are tempted to go to NZ at present and particularly considering that you are depressed and lonely but it does concern me that you used 'leave your DH' and 'go home' and 'family' to refer to your parents with the exclusion of your DH. I know that you have said that this was a mistake subsequently but perhaps it does betray your mindset.

I think a previous poster asked about long periods of travel being common when one of the couple if a foreigner ? @catsjammies but I can't say that is my experience. I'm married to a foreigner as are several close relatives and several friends/ acquaintances. There haven't been any extended breaks abroad with children amongst any of these couples. I think it's more common in Asian families where relatives more commonly play a huge role in raising the children and some are used to servants helping them and are not very used to coping but the grandparents have usually visited rather than the other way around.I appreciate that this would not be a great solution in this situation though!

NZ is not covid free it,s just very low. And you would have to register with an isolation facility before you go and isolate for 2 wks. (So no support at all.) .

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job. Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating. It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!

Reading OP's own words. He decided to accept the job offer. OP did have a great job herself. She agreed/compromised/gave in like a lot of women do when it comes to the husband's career.

It's actually harder to travel from New Zealand, than to New Zealand at the moment, due to lack of flights, and rather strong discouragement by Government. Also, consider for a moment, you're talking about travelling to a high risk destination, rather than to a low risk destination.

If I was married to someone from another country I'd completely expect our life to vary from one country to the other. And if the country was so much better than the UK why wouldn't you go there?! Fark me if I had NZ or Canadian background I wouldn't hang around for England's shittiest winter ever.

@Krampusasbabysitter because often it means more family for the family as a whole.

@MoiraNotRuby

If I was married to someone from another country I'd completely expect our life to vary from one country to the other. And if the country was so much better than the UK why wouldn't you go there?! Fark me if I had NZ or Canadian background I wouldn't hang around for England's shittiest winter ever.

I have to agree on this - especially last point!!!

Baby would have a lovely time outside doing things , vs 6 months in a cold dark UK...

I haven’t read through all the posts but I don’t think it’s selfish at all. Having a baby is very hard work , and especially so when you don’t have family nearby to support.
It’s quite common practice in some cultures for the mom and baby/kids to spend extended periods of time back in their home country. Its very important that you get your mental health back on track and I’m sure your husband will be understanding once he understands how much it will mean to you. Best of luck !

@MoiraNotRuby

If I was married to someone from another country I'd completely expect our life to vary from one country to the other. And if the country was so much better than the UK why wouldn't you go there?! Fark me if I had NZ or Canadian background I wouldn't hang around for England's shittiest winter ever.

Completely disagree. I’m married to someone who originates from a different continent and he has been home to visit family for a week or so (I was unable to go due to visa restrictions) but he would never dream of taking our children away from me for 3-6 months and he knows I wouldn’t be ok with this. Ever. Being married to someone from another country does not automatically mean you are absolutely fine being apart from your young children for months and months at a time. Not at all. You couldn’t be more wrong lol

Darling, you are not BU. I am Australian, but have lived in the UK for a long time now. My mum came over a couple of weeks before my baby was due, and stayed for a month after. I was having a shit time of it and was diagnosed with PND. My husband is great and did more than his fair share, and I had my mum for a few weeks, but I was always in tears and was hating the whole thing about being a new mum. When my mum had to leave I was devastated. My poor husband had to go to work each day with me crying for him to stay, and calling him at work to say the baby was screaming and I didn't know what to do. He came home as early as he could but I was still in a real state.

I luckily did have lovely friends and saw my NCT group once a week. I completely understand how you can be feeling so lonely and upset not having anyone to see at all. One time a friend had to cancel on me at the last minute, for a good reason. In my right mind I'd have been fine and not thought twice - but at that point I cried and cried and cried, because I relied so much on getting out and seeing other people to keep me sane.

When my baby was 4 months old I had a breakdown and had to go and stay with my mother in law, and I didn't really see anyone but her. My husband came to stay Friday - Monday, working from her house on the Friday and Monday and having the weekend to spend with me and the baby. I cried at anything and everything and felt fucking awful. I remember having an epiphany and just thinking "OMG I could just go back to work! The baby can go to nursery!" - then I realised I couldn't because I was booked to go and spend Christmas with my family in Australia. I was devastated (not about Australia, just that I couldn't go back to work AND take the trip!). Anyway, I made it through to the end of November and the baby and I flew to Australia (she was 6 months old). My husband joined us just before Christmas. We had a month out there without my husband but we called every day and Skyped every couple of days. Being at "home" with my parents saved my sanity. Although I'd been at my mother in law's, and she was very good, it was in no way the same. I loved waking up in the morning and knowing that mum or dad would be up before me and I'd have someone to while away the morning comfortably with, or hand the baby to. I could relax completely with them. They got to know their granddaughter. I saw my old school friends. My husband missed us but he was so happy to see the change in me. I can't believe the people on here suggesting you're doing this to hurt him or to somehow break up your marriage on the sly. Unlike the current situation which you're facing it WAS possible for my husband to join us for a few weeks. But he'd have given the trip his blessing even if he couldn't. And he loves us and missed us with all his heart. Forget the arseholes on here who are suggesting you're not trying, that you're being unreasonable etc.

At the end of my 7 weeks with my family I was so much happier and stronger and felt much more able to cope. My mind and body had been given a break and time to heal. When I got back to the UK things seemed so much brighter. Yes, you might come back to some form of restrictions, but you'll feel stronger and more able to seek out activities and friendships if Covid allows. I have been you and I would urge you with all my heart to talk to your husband about going back to NZ for maybe a couple of months. If he's as good a man as my husband, he'll see that it will do you a world of good in a way that all the antidepressants in the world probably won't (they were helpful for me, but my trip home was really my saving grace). You can find ways to speak/see each other every day and he will see you feeling better and better each time. Guaranteed he's feeling shit now because you're feeling shit. I feel for you and wish you all the love in the world. I hope you do get to go home for a bit. 6 months might be a bit much but I can tell you that a couple of months was a life-saver for me. xxx

So sorry for the essay, bloody hell! xxx

I've read as far as page 9 and as far as I can see, no one has brought up the possibility of the OP's husband getting really ill with Covid while she's in NZ. How would you feel if you go off to NZ and that happened OP?

I do understand your desire to have support from your family, and for them to meet your baby, but going away, even if only for a couple of months, won't solve your longer term problems. As others have said, I think you'd be far better off staying here, talking to your husband about how lonely you're feeling, and working out a plan of action with him, getting your GP involved again if necessary.

Meanwhile, if you need your Mum so badly, is there anything to stop you FaceTiming with her all day every day? I do actually wonder whether your Mum suggested you going over there for a holiday, more for her own sake than for yours, as perhaps she's realised that by moving back to NZ she's missing out on the opportunity to spend time with you and your baby, but that won't solve your problems it will only solve hers!

Please OP speak to your husband and tell him just how low you're feeling, but don't run off to NZ, as I think this will only add to your problems. Also, having suffered from depression for many years now, I can tell you from experience that the best thing you can do for you and your baby is to get out in the fresh air and get some exercise, whether it be walking, doing another sport, or simply working in the garden if you have one, you'll be surprised what a difference it can make. You just have to motivate yourself to do it!

Good luck!

@therarebear - that was a lovely essay.

People saying you can't take son away from his dad, of course she can if it helps improve her mental health. Lots of dads are frequently away from family, such as people serving in the army.

Hey Op,
I know exactly how you feel. I moved to the UK because my husband was British, I was young, naive and nothing else mattered as long as I was together with him. It took me about 3 years to settle in - I was very lucky to find a good job and a bunch of really good friends.
When I fell pregnant my husband was offered a job abroad so I stayed in the UK on my own while working and after my mat leave started I moved abroad to join my husband when I was 8 months pregnant.
To cut story short I’ve been feeling miserable and lonely a lot since then. We moved again 2 years ago. My husband works long hours/night shifts/weekends sometimes and I don’t get any help with kids or around the house and he often comes home after kids’ bed time. He leaves for work early in the morning while kids are still asleep. I don’t really know anyone here and every single day is the same for me. I don’t get excited about things anymore, I’m constantly feeling tired, anxious and sad.
I don’t really have any advise for you sorry but I just wanted to say that you’re not alone and that I’m sorry you are going through this and I know it’s tough.
Another thing I’d like to add is that when I went back to my home country and on a couple of occasions had to stay there for 2-3 months long I found it very very difficult to return back to my life in the UK mainly because of lack of friends and family here...

I would definitely do it in your circumstances. Your husband is happy and settled in a job that keeps him busy; in the meantime you are alone, depressed with no job to keep you busy, nor family or friends support. You can do face time and send videos of baby. It may be the best for your relationship. If you are feeling lonely and depressed it is not good for anyone, including your husband and child.

My friend got caught in lock down in her home country with her parents while her husband stayed in the UK, for 5 months; she was with a toddler and a 7 months old baby; it wasn't planned, it just happened. Her husband was in the UK, she couldn't fly back as they were no flights. She is now back in the UK with her husband and kids.

Same could have happened to you, so why not go and stay with your parents and get your mental health back and the support you need. It may be the best for the family. Your child is still very young and got a long time to bond with his father.

If your husband loves you and knows you are unhappy he would let you go. Can you do 3 to 4 months? Hopefully when you come back things will be better and you can start going out more and job hunting.

@Krampusasbabysitter

What the hell! I am gobsmacked at how OP is branded as selfish for trying to salvage her precarious mental health and seeking desperately needed support from her loved ones. How is it that we are in 2020 and a woman is still expected to completely uproot her life, leave her job which she might have otherwise returned to after her maternity leave, her friends and entire support network to follow her husband due to his career choices? For those that harangued the OP about her DH missing out on the baby’s development, well, he missed the vital first moments after the birth being away solidly for training, leaving OP totally alone to deal with those first difficult weeks. He’s put his own choices ahead of OP and is at the very least indirectly responsible for her desperate situation. He bloody well like it or lump it! If anything, at this point, it might still salvage their marriage. And if he misses his child too much, then maybe he needs to reconsider and put his wife and baby first.

@Krampusasbabysitter

Absolutely! I couldn’t agree more.

OP said herself she gave up a great job, moved areas, and managed four weeks alone with a new baby, without her husband, all for the sake of his career.

Why is it that now this women needs to desperately see her family, she’s branded selfish.

It’s pretty obvious that the OP has already sacrificed a lot for her husband and clearly her mental health has taken a hit in doing so.

@Pembsgirl

Meanwhile, if you need your Mum so badly, is there anything to stop you FaceTiming with her all day every day?

Erm time difference?!

@leafeater

Move your husbands parents in for six weeks. Chill, sleep, exercise etc

Then have Christmas here with your dh and son.

Then mid Jan, go to NZ for six weeks to catch up with your family.

But before all of that, go back to your midwife or GP and get your meds sorted....

I would do this.

If I had been in your shoes, I know my husband would’ve been sad to see us go, but we are both pragmatists. It would not have been the end of the world, nor our marriage. I say this as someone whose DH, for various reasons, is stuck overseas until next summer. We suck it up and get on with it. FaceTime rocks.

These are crazy days, do what you can to make it out the other side. I’ve no idea if you could actually get in though, as in my DH’s case, entry/exit requirements seem to change daily :-/

@MissBehaviour1 and presumably those dads and families signed up to that when they conceived. Not sure this dad signed up to missing his baby’s first Christmas and 6 months of his life. It’s supposed to be a partnership not one where the woman gets to do as she pleases with the child. What about his mental health and the child’s when he’s missed important bonding time?

I think three months or so is absolutely a reasonable thing to consider, given your current situation and state of mind. I can't imagine how you feel. Talk to your husband, I know if I was in your situation my husband would understand. The only thing I would say, is have you thought about how it might feel to have to come back again if you spend such a long time over there? What if you don't want to? Hope everything turns out well for you.

As someone who has suffered a mental health breakdown and felt so lonley I could die, while raising children with no support, friendship or family and dh at work all the time. If id have had helpful, loving, supportive family somewhere, anywhere, wanting me to come so they could support me, I would have packed my bags and be gone in a heart beat. Op yanbu. Yes it's crap for your dh. So talk to him. I know if I'd had that option my dh would, (having seen how unwell I was) have to me to go.

Honestly I don't think pp appreciate how your feeling and they cannot unless they have felt it themselves. Anyone who has felt that level of depression and loneliness would be telling you to go. I have been there op, it's actually physically painful. Good luck.