To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

@catsjammies

Those of you who are outraged by this suggestion, are you in relationships with people who are from other countries? I am, and majority of our friends are, and I don't know anyone who wouldn't think the reality of extended time apart of the nuclear family unit would be a very real possibility. Family illness, extended holidays etc. Months apart is a reality for a lot of families where one half of the couple is from overseas. I would argue their marriage would do better and baby will do better if OP is happy. The months I have been away from DH we talk twice a day as the time difference works well. The children missed him massively, but the relationship they have with my family is wonderful and wouldn't have happened without these trips.

Im the foreigner of the relationship Im the one that has suffered from depressing or anxiety since 2014 I’ve not seen my family since dec 2019 nor my childhood friends I’ve reduced my social life a lot because of covid so many times I’ve felt depressed this year and lonely. I’ve been on holidays with my son and not my husband visiting my family for a week in the last Id never think of separating my son for 4-5-6 months because of myself. The damage is not only to me but also to my son.

And again ... what is the ops plan when she comes back. She believes things will have changed and she’ll feel stronger .. what will she do to carry on feeling that way. What will she do if she doesn’t feel that way ... go back to nz again ?

@iamruth

Yes but she’s not a lone parent and comments that “baby is young enough not to miss dad” are utter tripe. Children need relationships with both parents wherever possible, for the sake of both parents and children. Ok a month away - manageable but that’s unrealistic in the current circumstances. Divorce is much of an Adverse Childhood Experience as poor maternal mental health. OP at least try to make changes which both support your MH and maintain your husbands relationship with your child even if not your marriage itself.

Your husband will be perfectly able to maintain his relationship with his child if you're away for a matter of only months. It's hardly unusual for army families to be separated for much longer periods and noone accuses them of being unable to maintain relationships.

This isn't to say it will be easy, OP. You will both need to find ways to stay connected, but it is perfectly possible and I'd say your child is likely to gain from the love and attention of extended family around also.

My DC (both in their late teens now) have never lived in the same country as their grandparents and they both have a beautiful strong relationship with them, despite the distance and occasional in-person visits (the longest ever gone between one was 7 years). It just takes learning different ways of relating and putting in the effort to connecting - in reality looking back, we probably spent more time and put higher value on connecting regularly each week than we would have done if we lived on different sides of the same city...

@Easterissland Well said!

should have previewed before posting - last line @Easterissland doesn't refer to your most recent post. I am sorry you don't feel able to spend the time you need with your family at 'home'.

@farangatang yet plenty of people choose to leave the army before or just after having children because of just that, they are concerned about maintaining a relationship with children. That’s fine if you choose to have children in those circumstances, the OPs husband has not made that choice.

*My son does come first! Always.

I am bloody miserable. I’m lonely and I’m absolutely no use to him whilst I’m like this.

I can guarantee if I’d posted and said I’m going to NZ to stay with family for a few months and leaving my son with my husband, I would’ve have lots of hateful comments about how much of a terrible mother I am.

So either way, whether I take my son or not, I’m still a terrible mother.

My husband isn’t home from work yet, but when he is, we will sit down and talk about things.

Most people must assume I’m stood as my door with our bags packed waiting to go.
I’m not. This was simply a thought.
A consideration.*

I think you can't win on here sometimes. Whatever you do is wrong. If you'd relocated for you and your DH was miserable with mental health problems, you'd be told to move back for him. The comments are very often on the side of the man, i.e. when the poster would like her DH to help with the kids when he is not working and is told that he shouldn't lift a finger as she is a SAHM.

OP is struggling, even if you don't agree with her, please be kind in your responses. It is possible to not agree and not be overly harsh!

If your husband is ok with it, try and go for a short while, then he won't miss too much time with your baby. It must be hard to have no support. If you decide together that you are not going to go, get your husband to help you come up with an action plan. You do need support, in whatever form that might take, whether a visit to your family or support in the UK. Maternal mental health is very important, both for you and your baby, and your family as a whole.

Oops, bold fail

REach out to your local community , perhaps on face book or similar is their a volunteering thing you can do to meet people, is their a group of NZ expats? I think going to NZ could be disaster. My husband worked away for a few months when my DD was littlke but I was able to visit and speak most days and it was hard and that was in the same country.

Op why haven’t you responded to any of the suggestions that you go and stay in the area you moved away from? Where you have friends and support but your baby can still see his dad reasonably often?

I’d also like to just add that many military families and families with a parent who works overseas or offshore often go through times when they are apart for 4-6 months and that doesn’t mean the end of their marriage or that any harm comes to the children who don’t see them during that time. It’s not easy of course but it’s also workable if necessary.

How would your husband feel about missing the first Christmas together as a family, the first baby of your baby, the first steps? these are all things that I would find heart breaking to miss. Would he be ok miss all those things

I hope you manage to come up with a solution that is best for all three of you

What the hell! I am gobsmacked at how OP is branded as selfish for trying to salvage her precarious mental health and seeking desperately needed support from her loved ones. How is it that we are in 2020 and a woman is still expected to completely uproot her life, leave her job which she might have otherwise returned to after her maternity leave, her friends and entire support network to follow her husband due to his career choices? For those that harangued the OP about her DH missing out on the baby’s development, well, he missed the vital first moments after the birth being away solidly for training, leaving OP totally alone to deal with those first difficult weeks. He’s put his own choices ahead of OP and is at the very least indirectly responsible for her desperate situation. He bloody well like it or lump it! If anything, at this point, it might still salvage their marriage. And if he misses his child too much, then maybe he needs to reconsider and put his wife and baby first.

I think you're very foolish to think this will fix your mental health!

I also think you'll struggle to get a flight, resident or not.

I think you need to learn coping mechanisms and treatment to remain living with your family in the UK.

I understand fight or flight, but I think it should be fight in this instance.

Your husband may not be able to come for Christmas and you seem not bothered at all.

You will need to quarantine for 2 weeks in a hotel. Proper locked up quarantine, not the UK self isolate joke.
Your baby will need their citizenship sorted otherwise they won't be allowed to come in.
Unless you stay for at least 3 months, that is you are looking like you are "moving home", you will need to pay $3000 per person to be quarantined.
That said, come!

@Krampusasbabysitter his choice meant the family as a whole is financially better off now and in the future. I am sure he would have preferred to be there for those mile stones. It's not like he went on some jolly holiday

I would definitely try to go back to NZ if I were in these circumstances. But you need to have a very adult conversation with your husband about it first.

I think you should go and suggest your husband joins you for Christmas so you can all fly back together in the New Year. That way he won’t feel abandoned or that you are abandoning him. Can he take 4/5/6 weeks holiday or compassionate leave to support you in this ?
If he won’t come with you suggest you go for a couple of months after Christmas.
If you book the tickets you will be able to look forward to it.

@Krampusasbabysitter yeah her DH should give up his job and stay hone, that wouldn't lead to any issues at all would it?

He should've said he wasn't attending the training, let them bloody sack him!

@RubyViolet it's really not that easy to fly to
NZ, Christmas May mean more or less restrictions, who knows?

You mentioned that the original plan had been you’d get a job when your son was a year old. Could you bring that forward a few months and start looking for something now? Meeting new people and having another outlet for social contact might be helpful?

@Krampusasbabysitter

What the hell! I am gobsmacked at how OP is branded as selfish for trying to salvage her precarious mental health and seeking desperately needed support from her loved ones. How is it that we are in 2020 and a woman is still expected to completely uproot her life, leave her job which she might have otherwise returned to after her maternity leave, her friends and entire support network to follow her husband due to his career choices? For those that harangued the OP about her DH missing out on the baby’s development, well, he missed the vital first moments after the birth being away solidly for training, leaving OP totally alone to deal with those first difficult weeks. He’s put his own choices ahead of OP and is at the very least indirectly responsible for her desperate situation. He bloody well like it or lump it! If anything, at this point, it might still salvage their marriage. And if he misses his child too much, then maybe he needs to reconsider and put his wife and baby first.

She’s not expected to though, she chose to. Taking the baby off and not treating him as a parent with equal rights and responsibilities does no favours for her in terms of equality. Maybe she should acknowledge the suggestion many others have made of her getting a job to help with contact with others. Presumably he works to contribute to the household, well actually to fund it given she quit her job, a decision they made together. If we will ever be equal dads need to be equal to mums as much as vice versa. The fact she was planning this with her mum before discussing it with him indicates that she might not see it like that

This is so fucked up! I can't believe anyone would support you taking a child away from his dad for 4 to 6 months. As women we are so desperate for equality but if this was the other way round everyone would be up in arms. Just separate so he has his child 50/50.

Oh do give over. She wasn't 'planning it'. Her Mum suggested it.

Personally, when I had PND, and absolutely no fucking support, I was sometimes on my knees in the shower, bawling my eyes out, not knowing how I'd get through the day, when my sole responsibility was looking after myself and my child.

I would have been incapable of finding, let alone holding down a job, and a bloody awful employee. So I'm not sure how the trite, 'get a job' suggestion is, depending on the severity of the OP's mental health issues.

@Krampusasbabysitter

What the hell! I am gobsmacked at how OP is branded as selfish for trying to salvage her precarious mental health and seeking desperately needed support from her loved ones. How is it that we are in 2020 and a woman is still expected to completely uproot her life, leave her job which she might have otherwise returned to after her maternity leave, her friends and entire support network to follow her husband due to his career choices? For those that harangued the OP about her DH missing out on the baby’s development, well, he missed the vital first moments after the birth being away solidly for training, leaving OP totally alone to deal with those first difficult weeks. He’s put his own choices ahead of OP and is at the very least indirectly responsible for her desperate situation. He bloody well like it or lump it! If anything, at this point, it might still salvage their marriage. And if he misses his child too much, then maybe he needs to reconsider and put his wife and baby first.

Erm she chose to, and as he is the apparent sole earner he massively gets a say in it also.

If you can go , you go asap ! As you mentioned you are stuck up with a child and nothing here.
Separating for 2 to 3 months is not breaking a marriage its infact saving it due to the fact that you are suffering in depression .
Who will take the responsibility of your mental health , not even your husband and if you are in depression its a very dangerous situation to be in while you are taking care of your child .
I can feel for u
People commenting here don't even know what depression feels like and its something you cant control .
LEAVE ASAP

I'm sorry it's hard for you at the moment, OP.

I find it interesting that you have reiterated All of my immediate family are there. Most people would call their partner and children immediate family and they would be the priority- and they are here

Honestly, I think the change in scenery and being with your mum will be nice but your issues will simply be masked. As soon as you come back they will exist again.

I would recommend Talking Therapies, chat to health visitor, GP to start your journey to wellbeing in UK. Facetime your mum, more, but focus on growing your life here - otherwise your heart will always be in NZ and things will not improve.

Thst said, your DH may love a move to NZ so it's worth asking him to go with you. Most Dads of small babies I know would not want to miss them for 1 month let alone 3 or more. Your MH isimportant but so is your DH's and bonding with his Dad is also a priority for your son.