To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

@iamruth

I had severe PND and I still think that your child should come first

My son does come first! Always.

I am bloody miserable. I’m lonely and I’m absolutely no use to him whilst I’m like this.

I can guarantee if I’d posted and said I’m going to NZ to stay with family for a few months and leaving my son with my husband, I would’ve have lots of hateful comments about how much of a terrible mother I am.

So either way, whether I take my son or not, I’m still a terrible mother.

My husband isn’t home from work yet, but when he is, we will sit down and talk about things.

Most people must assume I’m stood as my door with our bags packed waiting to go.
I’m not. This was simply a thought.
A consideration.

Those of you who are outraged by this suggestion, are you in relationships with people who are from other countries? I am, and majority of our friends are, and I don't know anyone who wouldn't think the reality of extended time apart of the nuclear family unit would be a very real possibility. Family illness, extended holidays etc. Months apart is a reality for a lot of families where one half of the couple is from overseas.
I would argue their marriage would do better and baby will do better if OP is happy.
The months I have been away from DH we talk twice a day as the time difference works well. The children missed him massively, but the relationship they have with my family is wonderful and wouldn't have happened without these trips.

@TheNewLook

I think you’re probably resigned to this ending your marriage. You need to talk to your husband. Personally, I would find it quite strange and disheartening for him to agree to it. He shouldn’t be ok with not seeing his wife and child for months on end. If he readily agrees, he’s probably as resigned to the inevitable as you are.

A better solution would be for him to try to get work out there and try making a life in NZ instead. It does seem strange that you have this yearning when you’ve lived in the UK for most of your life.

I can’t imagine you’ll ever want to come back. It reads as though you miss your family more than you’d miss your husband. This is ok to admit, you’re not obliged to stay married forever. It will be a terrible shame for your husband to have his child overseas (end of relationship really, can’t be sustained over FaceTime l) and he’ll probably meet someone else and create a new family. Perhaps you’ll do the same. But either way, if you go, I reckon it’s over.

She’s not obliged to stay married at all but it is not fair or reasonable on her child for her to effectively therefore deny her child a relationship with its father as a result. That’s so damaging. She needs to at least try to make changes here before being g willing to subject her husband and children to that. And her mother is being just as selfish for even suggesting it in current climate.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Didkdt

You're considering taking your son away from his dad for what will be 1/3 of his life because you haven't found a suitable baby class or made friends?

This pretty much sums up how some people just don’t understand mental health.

What an awful comment to make.

I only hope you don’t ever experience what I have been through these past 6 months.
I wouldn’t wish it not anymore.
It goes way beyond not finding a baby class.[/quote]
OP- i cant comment on "taking baby away from dad"things.

as for being a lone parent, i am one since my youngest was born. Without my family i dont know where i would be. So i 100% am behind you. I would go for 2/3 months and reassess. Baby is young enough not to "miss" dad too much. Your child wont remember being parted from dad when they get older.

I feel for you OP, i really do

When my first child was six months old I traveled back to the UK to be with my family. I was living in the US without friends and family. I had my DH but he was working long days and when he came home one day and told me he was going on a course in another part of the country for two months it made my decision really easy. Looking back I think I was depressed and all I wanted was to be looked after in a familiar place. I don't think you are at all selfish to want to do this. I didn't have a pandemic to deal with. I hope you manage to speak to your husband and you make it back to New Zealand. Your baby is very small still, my now 8 year old is not scarred from the experience in fact we made lots of memories with my family. I look back on that time and know it was the right thing for me to do.

Absolutely agree with @Sirzy

It's not necessarily 'running away'. It can be a 'respite'.

Going to visit your family is 'running away'?

I'm sure OP is aware it will be a challenge to return, and when she and DH are talking things over, they can talk about how to ensure things aren't so hard when she gets back - perhaps he WFH some days.

OP, you talk things over with your DH. This is between you and he. You two know your relationship, what it can withstand, what would be best for all three of you in the long run. As you say, it's an option. A possibility.

To add to your list of Kiwis, I'm more than happy to get on the end of a phone line to you as well. Maybe we can end up a Kiwi MN support crew, lol. My girls are teens now, but I well remember the lonely days as a new Mum, with only DH to rely on, and he was up to his ears in work, with PND. And that was sans covid. It sucked the big ol' saveloy.

Hang on in there.

OP - I agree wholeheartedly with @catsjammies and disagree that this is somehow 'abandoning' a spouse or saying goodbye to your marriage. What utter nonsense to suggest it is!

Absence can make the heart grow fonder, too. You are no good to your husband or child if you are miserable. You sound like a very sensible, self-aware person who cares deeply for all your family as well as valuing your own mental health and wellbeing.

I just hope you can actually get to NZ - are they even permitting visitors from the UK at the moment?

As you already know, it's so easy to keep in touch via Facetime/Skype etc.. and the time difference is pretty good at the moment too, even with daylight saving time coming up.

Good luck OP and I really hope things improve for you soon.

I think its fine to go. I was living with my husband in his country (pre-covid) when the kids were small and spent two stretches of 2 months with my family here in the UK. I then travelled back to the UK with the kids without him for 9 months (he visited for 3 months in the middle) as we moved back here and applied for his visa.

Always fine - we are used to being apart. Time zones were a bit tricky balancing working hours with good times to chat.

Those of you who are outraged by this suggestion, are you in relationships with people who are from other countries? I am, and majority of our friends are, and I don't know anyone who wouldn't think the reality of extended time apart of the nuclear family unit would be a very real possibility. Family illness, extended holidays etc. Months apart is a reality for a lot of families where one half of the couple is from overseas.

I was raised in a family where my mum was from a different country. She never once disappeared off for months on end - she had a job! She took me to see her parents, of course, but for a maximum of three weeks every 2-3 years or so. If someone fell ill, she couldn't just drop everything and go back. She'd go back for funerals or for end-of-life care where possible but only for a 7-10 days, and that only happened twice in my whole childhood.

I don't know anyone who can just put their life on hold and disappear off abroad to see family for an extended period of time. People have jobs, mortgages, bills, commitments. Going abroad for several weeks over the summer? Yes, absolutely. But for months at a time without the other parent? Nope. Most people cannot afford to do that once, let alone on any kind of regular basis. If you can do that, you're exceptionally, exceptionally fortunate financially!

I would argue their marriage would do better and baby will do better if OP is happy.

Of course her happiness is important, but what about her husband's happiness? Or should he just have to shut up and accept his wife disappearing for several months, potentially to end up being stuck abroad for longer than planned? Should he just have to miss out on months of his baby's life on her say-so?

So what has your husband said ... cuz this is your mum and your plan and strangers in mumsnet know before your husband about it.

Yes but she’s not a lone parent and comments that “baby is young enough not to miss dad” are utter tripe. Children need relationships with both parents wherever possible, for the sake of both parents and children. Ok a month away - manageable but that’s unrealistic in the current circumstances. Divorce is much of an Adverse Childhood Experience as poor maternal mental health. OP at least try to make changes which both support your MH and maintain your husbands relationship with your child even if not your marriage itself.

If I knew you were considering this and I was the other parent I'd be checking my legal rights. It sounds like there is a good chance you won't come back.

@farangatang

OP - I agree wholeheartedly with *@catsjammies* and disagree that this is somehow 'abandoning' a spouse or saying goodbye to your marriage. What utter nonsense to suggest it is!

Absence can make the heart grow fonder, too. You are no good to your husband or child if you are miserable. You sound like a very sensible, self-aware person who cares deeply for all your family as well as valuing your own mental health and wellbeing.

I just hope you can actually get to NZ - are they even permitting visitors from the UK at the moment?

As you already know, it's so easy to keep in touch via Facetime/Skype etc.. and the time difference is pretty good at the moment too, even with daylight saving time coming up.

Good luck OP and I really hope things improve for you soon.

If OPs DH is busy with work is makes so much sense to head to a place where OP could crack on with effectively 'life as normal' for 3 months until the worst/majority of the winter is over. Absence of baby's Dad should be weighed up against the benefit of time with extended family/more mentally robust mother/playgroups/music classes/rhyme times/outdoor activities like swimming etc.

If you left your child with your husband, of course he won't have to give up his job - there are such things as nannies.

If I were your DH I wouldn't give permission for you to take your child to NZ even for three months. He may well think that once you got to NZ, you would be reluctant to come back, which would result in an expensive court case to force you to bring the child back to the UK, under the Hague Convention.

What about getting a job which will bring you into contact with people? I believe childminders and nurseries are still open.

I think that given the need to travel there and isolate on your own when you get there, plus the relationship cost, makes this a bad idea. Is there any chance you could invite / pay for your mum to come and stay with you for a couple of months. That would seem a better solution.

OP I’ve not seen you respond to suggestions about getting a job. Put your son in childcare and get back to work. It would address many of your loneliness concerns

I would go if I was you.

When I had my first my husband travelled an awful lot. When the baby was only 2 weeks old he had to go away for 3 weeks and I can't even explain the loneliness and sickness in the pit of my stomach when I waved him off - and I have my family down the road and it wasn't during a pandemic!

I'm sure your husband will miss you both desperately and you won't be making this decision lightly but who knows what state you will be in if you don't do this. For me it sounds like short term pain for long term gain (for both you and your husband)

4-6 months does sound like too long though, even for him to just process in his brain. So many milestones missed etc. I'd plan for 2 months and then reassess once you're there. Could your mum come back with you for a couple of months as well? So you don't dread coming home?

@vanillandhoney

Those of you who are outraged by this suggestion, are you in relationships with people who are from other countries? I am, and majority of our friends are, and I don't know anyone who wouldn't think the reality of extended time apart of the nuclear family unit would be a very real possibility. Family illness, extended holidays etc. Months apart is a reality for a lot of families where one half of the couple is from overseas.

I was raised in a family where my mum was from a different country. She never once disappeared off for months on end - she had a job! She took me to see her parents, of course, but for a maximum of three weeks every 2-3 years or so. If someone fell ill, she couldn't just drop everything and go back. She'd go back for funerals or for end-of-life care where possible but only for a 7-10 days, and that only happened twice in my whole childhood.

I don't know anyone who can just put their life on hold and disappear off abroad to see family for an extended period of time. People have jobs, mortgages, bills, commitments. Going abroad for several weeks over the summer? Yes, absolutely. But for months at a time without the other parent? Nope. Most people cannot afford to do that once, let alone on any kind of regular basis. If you can do that, you're exceptionally, exceptionally fortunate financially!

I would argue their marriage would do better and baby will do better if OP is happy.

Of course her happiness is important, but what about her husband's happiness? Or should he just have to shut up and accept his wife disappearing for several months, potentially to end up being stuck abroad for longer than planned? Should he just have to miss out on months of his baby's life on her say-so?

I'm a SAHM and our children aren't yet at school. OP is the same. If I had a job or children at school the considerations would be different. But the fact we have the opportunity now whilst I am not tied to work and children not in school is why we can take those trips and make those formative bonds, both with my family and the country where they are nationals. Yes, it is a financial consideration for us but one we budget for. As do friends who are in similar circumstances 🤷🏻‍♀️

Those of you who are outraged by this suggestion, are you in relationships with people who are from other countries?

Yes, I am and I have a very international family and social circle. The only people I know who have lived apart for months at a time are clearly very unhappy in their marriages and ended up divorced.

Would it not easier to see if your mum and dad would come over to live with you for a few months or do they have jobs or young children that rule that out?
Just it seems like you need the support of your family, rather than specifically needing the time away in NZ. Considering they’ve only lived there a few years were they in the U.K. before then?
I know if my daughter rang me explaining she had PND and was struggling I would drop everything and come, even for a short time, to help her.

Ps and what mbosnz said. Sounds like it’s a common experience, happy to join team expat kiwi.

I think you would do better to make a life here.
Put him in nursery and get a job. You need some grown up time.

@Threelittlekittens08

I really feel for you and think it is a shame some posters have been so aggressive.

I offer my advice as someone who moves quite regularly due to my DH’s job and where my first move was 500 miles away from the town I’d previously lived in my whole life with our 10 day old first baby.

There’s no doubt that having a baby changes everything and it really makes you wish to be near family and friends, for support, familiarity in your rapidly changing life and maybe even some short respite. It is also extremely hard to move to a new area, not least during a sodding pandemic.

I completely understand how you are feeling and, whether we have a young baby and have recently moved areas or not, I’m sure that most of us would also love the chance to escape this covid trapped life right now and this attractive prospect probably also features somewhere in your mind, despite the fact you also have family in NZ.

However, it is also hard when you have first moved areas and you feel like you have no proper friends to confide in. With your DH so busy at work, finding your own friends and building some sort of social life is even more important and I feel so sad for all of the mums with new babies and toddlers who can’t access the usual array of groups and activities. Getting out of the house and mixing with other adults is so important and I would encourage you not to give up on searching for groups that are still running and try to put your fears aside about covid if you are otherwise healthy. It will do you a world of good and you may just be lucky and click with someone.
I have found that the first 6 months after a move are the hardest. You crave your old friends and familiar places and feel like you don’t have any of that in your new area. However, you have to truck on and put yourself out there and I promise you it will eventually pay of and you will soon find you have a few people in your phone that you could arrange to meet at a coffee shop or soft play and build your new friendship circle from there. It might be worth trying that strategy before making any decisions about going to NZ for 4-6 months without your DH.

I do understand your desire to go though and have to admit that I occasionally flew down to my parents house with our firstborn after our first move and not with my DH. But of course they were much closer than NZ so it was slightly different circumstances and I could go for a few days or a weekend.

At the end of the day, only you and your DH know your individual circumstances and whether or not it would work for your family. Good and strong mental health is also very important in a relationship and if a 4-6 month stint where you have to be apart but which will dramatically improve your wellbeing and happiness is the way forward then who knows if it could prove to be the key to your ongoing relationship. That kind of time apart is not to be taken lightly but is also not insurmountable.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do and ignore any harmful comments on here.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Devlesko

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him.

It’s home because it’s currently where my family are.[/quote]
Your family is your DH and your baby which is why you didn't go back to NZ at the time though.

4-6 months is way too long.