To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

@Notgoingouttoday

Go, a solid marriage will withstand six months apart. Come back in the Spring. Being depressed is far more likely to break up your marriage as you will start to resent him. Next summer should be better as you can meet outside and hopefully there will be a vaccine so things will get back to normal.

This isnt just about the two of them though. There is a child involved. Its about her taking his child away for 6 months. I would not be ok with that and I wouldnt blame her husband for not being ok with it either. We blame dads on here for being uninvolved and uncaring about their kids- how on earth can we then blame them for not wanting to be apart from their children for 6 months?!

I think I would go...things should be very different come the Spring I hope your husband is supportive if that's what you end up deciding to do.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Devlesko

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him.

It’s home because it’s currently where my family are.[/quote]
I'd have thought your husband and son were your family.
You're considering taking your son away from his dad for what will be 1/3 of his life because you haven't found a suitable baby class or made friends? Even if you meet and socialise over there you'd have to return here at some point and you'd have the wrench of leaving that behind
I'd suggest you try speaking to your HV or GP first.
Your mum is probably desperate to spend time with her grandson but the stakes are very high especially as you only know your parents and sister over there at the moment things could end up being just as insular with a 2 week quarantine when you get there

Yeah, I'd go. It's not forever. These are not normal circumstances. In the great scheme of a life together, 12 weeks separation from your Dh is nothing. Your DH didn't think twice (or maybe he did) about going away for six nights at a time for a four week training course. He needed to do that for his job. You need to do this for the sake of your future together because if you stay where you are, completely isolated, then you are going to go completely barking. The isolation of a new area, no friends, no family, no job, must be brutal. Alternatively, can you move back to where you were living originally - do you have support there?

I would go, for maybe 3 months. I'm pretty sure my husband would have been supportive too.

You need to talk to your h in order to find a solution to this.

Yanbu to think that travelling to NZ would be the best thing for you right now.

The problem is that you'd be coming back to all of the problems that you left behind. There's no guarantee in 3-6 months that things would be different. Would you be able to get on the plane back to a life of loneliness? If you left your h would be taking a massive gamble that it wouldn't affect your relationship and the relationship with his son- it would be hard barely seeing your child

Babies change massively in 3-6 months and it would be understandable if your h didn't want to be apart for so long- especially with Xmas approaching. If you did go, Jan would probably be kinder so your h isn't without you and dc at Xmas.

If I was your DH, I'd worry you wouldn't come back. I absolutely wouldn't agree to it.

It's hard, but we have all had struggles during this thing. Having to home school and work was horrendous! God knows when I can see my parents in Merseyside (am at other end of country) again. Not on your level, but not easy.

Have you seen if there are any local FB groups for mums who can meet up virtually?

You seem confident that you will be able to travel to NZ but do you think you should. An aeroplane stopping over could have people from any country and they could be in the first stage of Covid 19 without knowing it.

Providing you get there you are saying how long you will stay but you might end up staying much longer than you intend. At present there are very few flights out. Not even to Australia. My daughter and partner have been there for nearly a year. They can’t get home or even to Australia where I have relatives. As others have said you must isolate for two weeks on arrival where they tell you and can’t leave until you get a negative test.
I understand how lonely it is because we did that when my DS1 was born. DH started a new job which involved working 5 nights a week as well as day and he was on a low wage. I didn’t know anyone in the close knit village. I walked a lot. Think very carefully.

I know a woman with almost the exact same story. She was my old neighbor. She took off to Perth with their toddler whilst pregnant with number 2, ended up staying out there for the birth and....never came back. We would exchange pleasantries with the husband from time to time (thinking it really strange his wife was on the other side of the world with his children) and eventually he said “she’s going to stay there and I’ll hopefully join eventually....”. He never did. We stopped asking and after a year or so it was very clear he had a new partner and they’d separated.

I always thought it was awful that he was apart from his children but you never know what’s really going on so can’t judge.

I presume they were not as happily married as they appeared.

I think YABU and need first to address youR mental health with a professional before breaking g up your family

Can you not stay with your in-laws for a bit

I would discuss a timeframe with your DH and go.

It is possible to live apart some months and have a solid marriage.

Military families do this all the time. There are challenges of course. You may get some tips from them on a different board.

I have an almost 2yo and a 4yo and I'm considering trying to get back 'home' to Aus for a few months tbh. It's v v v hard to get back to Aus right now, is NZ easier? We are settled and happy here, and I have lots of friends but vanishingly able to see them. I think the extended time at home with your family (in some nice weather!) will definitely be more beneficial to your little one than having a depressed Mum, even if it does mean time away from your DH.
I've spent months at a time back in Aus with our kids while DH in London and, while not ideal, wanting to do so definitely doesn't make you selfish.

I live in NZ and borders aren’t open to anywhere at the moment. There is a transpacific bubble being considered but definitely not flights to and from UK. But I do think it’s a good idea. Come when you can. We are Covid free and pretty much back to normal. No masks and just using a tracing app .

I honestly couldn't bear to be apart from my husband for six months - and we've been together nearly 25 years, I would miss him terribly. I think you need to make changes to your life here and look into more support for your mental health here. Otherwise you are in danger of doing something that may not actually help in the long-term and may actually break up your marriage eventually.

With the best will in the world, you have a child who has a mum and dad and he needs to be with both. By all means tell your husband that you are so desperate due to the current situation that you are considering this drastic move, maybe then he will understand how seriously awful you feel and make some real changes. But don't make the move itself, I don't think it will help. You can't have it both ways in that if it is depression due to lack of serotonin etc then the right medication will help and not a trip to New Zealand. If it is situational depression then that can only really be changed by changing your circumstances to alleviate it.

YABU the baby has as much right to spend that time with his Dad as with you. It’s a consequence of choosing to have children having that tie to another person for at least 18 years.

@Didkdt

You're considering taking your son away from his dad for what will be 1/3 of his life because you haven't found a suitable baby class or made friends?

This pretty much sums up how some people just don’t understand mental health.

What an awful comment to make.

I only hope you don’t ever experience what I have been through these past 6 months.
I wouldn’t wish it not anymore.
It goes way beyond not finding a baby class.

But what about the impact having his child taken away would potentially have on his mental health?

I fully understand the battle of mental health but I still don’t think the approach your considering is right or will do anything to improve things long term.

@Aridane

I think YABU and need first to address youR mental health with a professional before breaking g up your family

The OP is trying to find solutions for managing her mental health and, speaking as a mental health professional, it might be good to avoid catastrophic comments about “breaking up the family” as it doesn’t help. I’m sure there is a way (Covid restrictions allowing) for the OP to go to NZ for a period of time agreed with her DH as part of a plan to also change things here in the lead up to any such trip and on her return.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Didkdt

You're considering taking your son away from his dad for what will be 1/3 of his life because you haven't found a suitable baby class or made friends?

This pretty much sums up how some people just don’t understand mental health.

What an awful comment to make.

I only hope you don’t ever experience what I have been through these past 6 months.
I wouldn’t wish it not anymore.
It goes way beyond not finding a baby class.[/quote]
That’s not necessarily true, I had severe PND and I still think that your child should come first and it’s in your child’s best interests to be with both parents. MN is so hypocritical, there would be absolute outrage if your husband was planning this behind your back. We will never have equality while women think they have more rights and responsibilities for children than their fathers. By all means you go if that’s what it takes but from what I can tell your husband has done nothing wrong and you e given him little to no other suggestions of how to help.

Yes, but the starting point for their mental health is not the same.

OP's mental health is currently in the toilet.

DH's mental health is currently - unless there's something seriously missed out - absolutely fine! He has the job he loves, is feeling fulfilled, his life is currently as per, while OP is struggling, having had too much to deal with for too long, when it comes to substantial life changing events, with no extended family over here, very little support from DH when it comes to day to day with the wee one, and limited opportunities to socialise and make friends/connections.

I think you’re probably resigned to this ending your marriage. You need to talk to your husband. Personally, I would find it quite strange and disheartening for him to agree to it. He shouldn’t be ok with not seeing his wife and child for months on end. If he readily agrees, he’s probably as resigned to the inevitable as you are.

A better solution would be for him to try to get work out there and try making a life in NZ instead. It does seem strange that you have this yearning when you’ve lived in the UK for most of your life.

I can’t imagine you’ll ever want to come back. It reads as though you miss your family more than you’d miss your husband. This is ok to admit, you’re not obliged to stay married forever. It will be a terrible shame for your husband to have his child overseas (end of relationship really, can’t be sustained over FaceTime l) and he’ll probably meet someone else and create a new family. Perhaps you’ll do the same. But either way, if you go, I reckon it’s over.

Military families do this all the time. There are challenges of course. You may get some tips from them on a different board.

But the op and her dh are not military.
Plus Covid,nobody knowswhats going to happen next.

@Threelittlekittens08 Would you really take the risk of being stuck in NZ if Covid becomes worse.

Its not like you can hop on an airplane.

In these times you have no idea whats going to happen.

@mbosnz

Yes, but the starting point for their mental health is not the same.

OP's mental health is currently in the toilet.

DH's mental health is currently - unless there's something seriously missed out - absolutely fine! He has the job he loves, is feeling fulfilled, his life is currently as per, while OP is struggling, having had too much to deal with for too long, when it comes to substantial life changing events, with no extended family over here, very little support from DH when it comes to day to day with the wee one, and limited opportunities to socialise and make friends/connections.

And none of that will change by running away from the issues.

Unless she sits down with her husband and discusses the actual issues and what they can do to change things for them as a family then nothing will change.

3 months away may sound lovely but if anything it risks making things even harder on return.

Surely planning a family trip over for next year and then working together to improve things at home would be much better?