To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I think that taking a baby away from their father for such a long time is a huge deal. I know that military families suffer long absences, but your DH didn't sign up for that.

Can you think about staying in the UK until Christmas (if you celebrate it) then go? Assuming you celebrate Christmas, it could be heart-breaking for your DH to be at home alone without his wife and child.

You sound like you really want to go, but will you really be happy leaving your DH behind for so long? We moved to the US when DD was 5, and there have been times when I've gone home with DD but DH had to stay at work in the US. It really doesn't take long before the joy of seeing family wears off, and I feel horribly unhappy and dis-jointed because DD and I are doing things, but he's left out of everything. More than a couple of weeks and I am starting to get very depressed from being so out-of-step and almost split in 2 with DD and me in one country, and DH in another. This may not be the miracle cure that you think it will be.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@LakieLady

Far better to address your MH issues. When are you next due for a medication review? I'd be minded to ask for a dosage change or possibly even different meds.
Are you still having counselling, and if that has ended, I'd suggest seeking more.

Be frank with your doctor and see what he/she suggests

I really don’t think my mental health is the only issue here.
Taking more medication isn’t going to solve my current situation.[/quote]
This response sounds like it is the depression talking. "Medication can't fix this problem, my only option is to go to the other side of the world." I think the most useful thing for you to do would be to break down the problems and see how you could start to tackle them in your current situation rather than taking the nuclear option - I know this is very hard when you are depressed, but long term it's the only way out of this.

-When was the last time you spoke to a GP or health visitor? What other support could they offer you? (doesn't have to be medication!)
-Is there any more your husband can do in terms of parental leave so he can be around more to help you?
-You mentioned that you tried the baby class but didn't like it because of the need to wear masks - how often did you try it? Is it worth giving it another shot? You might meet people who want to meet up outdoors so you don't need masks and it's easier to make a connection. Alternatively, could you try posting on Peanut or Nextdoor to see if there is anyone nearby who might be interested?
How often do you get out of the house? Can you plan to do something as simple as going to a cafe regularly to get more contact with other adults?

• Is it worth employing someone to help with childcare so you get some more time to yourself?

@Threelittlekittens08

Right, I understand better now and hope you didn't mind me asking. You have strong ties to NZ and want to be there for valid reasons, not that you have to justify that! Talk to your DH about a 2-3 month break there e.g. Jan 2021. I just don't think leaving him over Xmas is great and there may be practicalities to arrange. What a fab thing to look forward to! I love NZ btw, hope it heals you.

@MzHz

A couple of months won’t damage the relationship between a baby and their dad! What do you think happens to kids of service personnel?

OP specifically said that’s too short though and it would have to be up to 6 months. There’s no way I’d let my partner take my child away from me for 6 months. No effing way.

Why don't you go and leave your son with his father for 6 months?

Thought not. So why would you take him away from his father?

Plus your mental health issues will go with you; and what about when you come back? Get help to sort your health out and then go over for a family holiday.

I do understand

My parents live in another country. I'm very isolated. Very unwell. I do however have my rock of a husband.

I totally get wanting to up and move.

However. That doesn't solve the root problem. What happens when you have to come back?

Legally too. Taking your son away to another part of the world might give you rights that mean you don't have to come back. I would watch out for these too

I'd be devastated if my husband said he wanted to go abroad to see his family for 6 months. I really don't know what I'd do.

Only you and your husband can decide.

However I'm not even sure the borders are open for NZ. Even for citizens right now

Could your mum come over here?

Could your mum come over here?

Why? NZ has far less Covid cases, Warner weather and the rest of OPs family.

Why would you want to bring an older relative into this mess?

@BonosSigh

Kia kaha

💕💕💕💕

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A couple of months won’t damage the relationship between a baby and their dad! What do you think happens to kids of service personnel?

Two things:

How often have you left your kids for 2 months plus?

I suspect a lot of children of service personnel have poor relationships with the parent in question, though for some reason we are expected to maintain the pretence that you can be a great parent and barely see your kids if you're in the military

It's a shame you haven't felt able to discuss how lonely and unhappy you are with your husband already, so that this doesn't come out of the blue.
But I also think you should go, if it's only for, say, 6 months, it will help you lots.....

Sit down and talk with your husband, he will already know how you are feeling and a good man will understand
Go, it’s not for long and it will do your head the world of good

@MzHz

A couple of months won’t damage the relationship between a baby and their dad! What do you think happens to kids of service personnel?

I'm sorry but that's largely irrelevant here.

Military personnel sign up for that life. They know deployment means being away from their families for months on end. They (and their spouses) choose to go ahead with the relationship and choose to have children anyway.

How would YOU feel if your DH decided to go away for two months (possibly more if further lockdowns are introduced) and took your children with him? Presumably you'd just wave him off with a smile because "service personnel do it"?

Worst case scenario OP you might not be able to get back to the UK after 2/3 months. Then what? Can you really keep your baby away from his father? It seems cruel to me and would definitely impact possibly implode your marriage. In the middle of a global pandemic there is no way I would let anyone take my child to the other side of the world. Would you let DH if the situation was reversed? Good luck on whatever you decide but do think very carefully about your next steps.

OP I think you need some looking after.

I think a house move , a baby in a pandemic, no family and a busy husband, has just been too much. It wouldn't been suprising if you are low if not PND.

Time with the focus on you and your baby, some pampering, some TLC some surrounded by people you know, is probably just what you need for a few months.

I'd hope your DH would see this and want you to go and be looked after for a while, and would reassure you he'll cope for a while without you. It might even be a relief for him to know you are getting what you need. Even though he'll miss you and DS, he'll do the selfless thing he sees you need.

But you need to talk to him. If he's not alright with it and doesn't see it like that it might be hard to do and could cause resentment in the marriage which could be hard to recover from.

I think my DH would want me as a new mum to be looked after and would do the selfless thing for us. I hope yours does to, I think you need it.

@Threelittlekittens08 you are getting some really ridiculous replies here from people who don't know what it's like to live so far away from your family. I've taken my dc 'home' with me several times and the longest time was about three months. My DH was fine with it. Kids also. You should go and enjoy your mum looking after you and get to know to your child. You'll feel so much better coming back.

OP, when you said *5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job*

I found that strange the way you phrased it that you considered moving with your parents. To me, we are independent from either sets of parents, and if they moved or we moved, we don’t move as a unit. My family is my family.

2 months is ok, not 6 months, you are choosing your family over your DH. Which it sounds all throughout your post you are doing.

Lockdown does suck, but think about the people who had to shield and have no contact with anyone either for near 6months.

How would you feel if you move to NZ and things get worse and you can’t come back and DH can’t join you? Would you be ok with that?

Could you pay for your parents come here? Instead of leaving your husband home alone.

My god you poor thing. All this chat about medication when your emotional response to extreme loneliness sounds absolutely normal! I think if you can go for 3 months you should, then when you come back be prepared for a tricky period of adjustment while baby gets used to his dad again. I hope you work something out. This pandemic has created some horrible, messed up situations and fucked a lot of people’s mental health

A couple of months won’t damage the relationship between a baby and their dad! What do you think happens to kids of service personnel

What an odd rationale- so, just because some other people choose this life, means the OP's husband should just suck it up and agree to it?

By this rationale, we should all consider ALL life options viable because someone, somewhere once chose to do it! (irregardless of whether we actually want to do it or not!) 😂

Nope. Go for it.

You still don't seem interested in thinking about your husband's mental health in all this. How lonely is he going to feel with his wife and child on the world and the fear of them never returning??

Go, a solid marriage will withstand six months apart. Come back in the Spring. Being depressed is far more likely to break up your marriage as you will start to resent him. Next summer should be better as you can meet outside and hopefully there will be a vaccine so things will get back to normal.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@EasterIssland

What’s your plan when you come back in 3-6 months time ? You’d still feel lonely and let’s face it... covid will still be here and do some of the restrictions.

Yes you’re right. I might still feel lonely, but perhaps after a break, some support, company and a bit of normality, I may just be be in a much better frame of mind to deal with it head on.[/quote]
Or the date will come for you to leave, you'll burst into years at the airport at the fear of going back to bleak locked down lonely England and your Mum will say it's ok, let's see if we can get the tickets transferred, you aren't ready...
Meanwhile DH has been alone all winter, has been alone for Xmas and is expecting you back Jan for the baby's birthday only for you to say you're not ready, maybe in a few months when restrictions are lifted... Apr comes round, he's made little friend at play group, you've connected with a group of fellow mums and there's a little job cropped up that would be perfect... Maybe a few more months...

I know that isn't your plan, but if I was your DH or his friend, that's what I'd be thinking about. You never being ready to come home, him stuck in England cos COVID unable to get access to his child.