To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

@Horehound i would probably didn't word it well
I think OP isn't being selfish she can't help how she feels and maybe her dh will be fine or certainly aware of how she is feeling and he may be able to support or be fully supportive of a few months away or a compromise of couple months etc
My dh in that position prob would of been ok with , ecstatic about the idea no but prob on board
OP I apologise as well if my post came of wrong
I really hope you get something sorted out that works for you all

I'm not in agreement with those who say your marriage will be over.

My former boss is married to a surgeon and he's out most of the time (to his private clinic and public hospital). She was made director 5 months before lockdown (her dream job), however the lockdown left her unable to get childcare and wfh at the same time. She decided to quit her job, move to their (her husband and hers) birth country and take a year off.

She has the support of his and her family to look after the kids and can focus on their education more. It all boils down to how your marriage is already going, the level of trust and support each party's willing to offer.

1valtandsinegar

If you're real, your experience is not... representative.

Couple of things

How many waking hours of your DS is your husband home?
What would happen if suddenly you decided you didn't want to come back because the crux of your Mh issues is probably loneliness which is not going to improve on the other side of the world in order for you to come back.
What do you think your husband might say

Actually loneliness from having a baby can be awful even without the current restrictions so I can't imagine how you're feeling and you must do what is best for you too but consider the impact this will have not only on your marriage but the relationship your DC has with his dad .

So sorry to hear you’re struggling. Have you discussed this with your husband ? Have you reached out to others via the internet ? There must be so many women in the same position. Taking your child away from his Father for six months is really not on, it’s far too long, and he’d be well within his rights to be incredibly hurt and angry at the suggestion.

" Once you have a job, you will have more contact with the outside world and potentially the chance to make friends locally."

Depends on the type of job you get. You get an office job these days and your only contact is Teams meetings from home. She'd be just as isolated unless she gets a job that has to be done on site.

Your husband would not have to quit his job if you left...what do you think single parents do? He would have to use childcare....

Why don't you look at getting a job? You haven't mentioned that as an option...relook at what you were originally planning to do?

..I get the loneliness and you are having it hard as the socialisation opportunities are so rubbish...but there are online opportunities too ..not great but something ...choir/maybe an onlinepub quiz with your old friends..

I don't think its fair on your dh,/baby to ho for an extended stay.....but maybe he needs to see if he can alter his work pattern.....

For all the people saying it’s reasonable, I wonder how they would feel if their husband suggested taking their young child away from them as far as you can possibly across the globe for 6 months. I suspect they would suddenly feel differently.

If it was just you Op I would agree but it’s absolutely not fair to deprive your husband of his child for 6 months to a place that takes 24 hours to get there. It’s not like it’s a quick trip to France is it? Yes, I think this is selfish.

@Cheeseandwin5

I see the question asked but I have yet to see any Posters saying its ok answer. a) How many of you would allow your DH move to another country with your DC for 4-6 months ( and the real chance they would never return).

Also as a secondary thought , if the facetiming is enough, why not advise the OP go on her own and recuperate and leave the DC with her DH??

1. OP has already acknowledged that 4-6 months is unrealistic, and is now thinking 2-3, I think it is. I would have found it very hard. Particularly since I was breastfeeding. There would never have been in my mind, any real possibility that they would not return, otherwise I would not have been on-board with them going in the first place. That is the level of trust I have in my husband and my marriage. (Please do not question this, I have ample reason for this level of trust.)

OP has already explained that DH works full-time, sometimes days away from home, and she is the full-time primary carer, so that is not a realistic option for them.

There's something else here, though OP. Maybe precipitated by the current situation? You left NZ aged 9, you're still a citizen there and refer to it as "home". Have you wanted to return for a while? Have you discussed this with your husband?

YABU taking your young DC from his home and traveling across the globe during a pandemic because you're lonely. Get out and walk, zoom calls with your friends, take up a hobby, zoom baby classes.

I think you'd find it very difficult to return @Threelittlekittens08 and you'd both have to discuss that possibility and go in with your eyes wide open.

Meeting up with other mums isnt just about here and now support, it's about getting to know people that you'll go through a decade or more of milestones with. If you choose to go to NZ, and came back you'll have missed out on investing time on this here- even if here just means on line just now, or in masks. It's tough moving area with a preschool child when all the mums have been tight since the post partum period. You might just be kicking the can down the road. And that's if you can even bring yourself to return...

You poor thing, I really sympathise with you. As others have said, are there any local Kiwis you could meet up with? I know it's not the same as being with your family, but they might bring you a Lamington?
Also could your mum or sister come over here?
Others have said that your life is here now, and they are right, but most people would realise that you need an emotional break until you feel well enough to start again here.

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, which sounds extremely tough. Having been through depression myself, I know how much a change of scene can help. Also, I’m high risk for Covid and live alone, so have been in solitary confinement for months, and really relate to how tough isolation is. To me it sounds very sensible to be considering a visit that would give you a change of scene, the company of your family, and good weather. I wonder whether people telling you not to consider it are under-estimating how serious depression can be.

As to the concerns that some posters have expressed that the visit could damage your marriage, depression in itself can be damaging to a relationship, so taking steps to address that, even if it means some time away from your husband, could actually be positive for the relationship. This is not to suggest that there is anything wrong with your relationship - it doesn’t sound as though there is - just that going forwards, looking after your own mental health is a good idea not only for the sake of your own wellbeing, but also for the relationship.

When I was a teenager my dad went abroad, to a place ten hours’ flight away, for two years, because he felt he needed it for his mental health. He has later said that he thinks he would have had a nervous breakdown if he hadn’t gone. My mum, my siblings and I stayed in the UK. My siblings and I were aged 6-16. My mum was supportive of it, and we all kept in touch with my dad and visited him during school holidays. He also visited. I’m not suggesting you go to NZ for 2 years, but I’m just mentioning this as an example of what can work.

Whatever you decide, I really hope you feel better soon 💐 xx

No, he sees them every day and although they are older, they are only primary school age
But that age makes a massive difference. They will understand why they are away. They will know their dad haven't abandoned them. They will understand the notion of time and knowing they will have been able to speak to him. They will have been able to have a conversation. There might not have been the issues of time zones and sleeping.

All those things a 9 months old won't understand.

More importantly, his ex didn't go away because she was miserable where she was and he didn't have to worry about any I tentions if not coming back and him potentially not seeing his kids again for a very long time.

I’m just mentioning this as an example of what can work
With older children. Totally different to a 9 months old who will likely hardly remember his father if they were gone for 6 months.

Jesus Christ there are some hideous people on here!

@Threelittlekittens08 I get it. I really do.

I’ve had absolutely relentless depression in the past and it needs more than you can get atm from the nhs.

I’ve been depression free for a very long time now, and have gone through an awful lot of isolation, oppression and abuse and still survived, you will get through this. Have faith and keep going.

Despite being a whole lot stronger Over lockdown I suffered a lot. I found everything just too awful, agoraphobia I’d fought off came back and I was just despairing of the population of this village/area/country

I still struggle with this, because everything is still so monumentally fucked up and even my most unflappable friends are somehow losing it.

We went away for 3 weeks and it was a complete tonic. I could reset everything

If I were you I’d research the logistics and aim at 2-3 months as a reset and I’m willing to bet you will feel a lot better than you do now.

You need the help and support you’ll get in NZ

A couple of months won’t damage the relationship between a baby and their dad! What do you think happens to kids of service personnel?

If posters can also not be so harsh on the OP. Surely we all understand how awful lonely ness feels let alone being isolated with a new baby and no friends or family. I like the suggestion one poster made about his parents coming for 6 weeks then Xmas together where you ask DH to take some annual leave then plan a trip new year for 2-3 months. This will take you to March where fingers crossed covid situation will have improved and you can possibly get out and about meeting new people .

You need to try with the baby groups again. That's how I met my mum friends. Yes a mask isn't ideal, but everyone is wearing them and there may be someone feeling as anxious as you. You have to give it a try. You can't leave your husband for 6 months. What if he said ok you go and leave the baby here?? Would you still go?

@MzHz Exactly! My grandmother’s father went away to war when she was a baby and cane back when she was 4. She didn’t remember him, but they formed a good relationship.

" you’re saying in your OP you can’t possibly make friends at the local mum group because you had to wear masks ffs."

Communication is much harder with masks on.

Hi OP, I did it. Relocated to live in my husband's country but originally from the UK. I came back to be with my family for some time because I was struggling. Honestly it was transformative. I was much happier for it and therefore a better parent to DC. My husband was very supportive. Even though he missed us he was often away for work and he knew I needed it. We were fine and still very happily married. We're back in his country now, but I'm so grateful for the time I spent with my family.

I think you should go, but maybe 4-6 months is too long? Your baby is in a lovely age, and your DH will miss out on a lot if you go away for too long. I went away for a month with my first dc when he was about that age and it was fine. Much longer and i think the baby wouldn't have recognised dad

I would go op. But aim to be gone during the peak of the possible second wave. Getting some sun instead of being inside a house alone during a lockdown. I know which option I would choose if my dh agreed to the temporary holiday. Speak honestly with your dh. Prepare yourself for him possibly saying no or agreeing straight away.