To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

@JS87

I think you also need to consider what would happen if for some reason travel from NK to the UK wasn't possible after 3/4/6 months? Also, will you really be able to face coming home after 3 months when you know what awaits you compared to staying with your family in NZ. I think there is a big risk that if you go you won't come back (especially given your mental health) and you need to consider that in your discussions with your husband.

These are also really good points.

I'm a child of the 80's and I don't understand all this drama and hysteria over a suggestion of visiting family for a few months with your baby.
My Mam worked full time when I was growing up and used most of each of her maternity leaves to visit her mother five hours away for a few months. Bringing baby and older children, my Dad used his annual two weeks holiday to come while we were there.
Lots of my classmates with mothers who didn't work went to holiday homes/caravan parks for the summer with their mother and siblings with Fathers coming down for two weeks in the middle.
More recently more than one colleague has taken their baby to visit family abroad or stay in holiday homes with family with their DH coming for the part of the time they can get annual leave.
I thought this was a fairly normal part of maternity leave!!
I think you should speak to your husband about it and go. Nevermind everyone saying nothing will have changed, you will have changed. You will have more energy and confidence and spring will be coming.

@Threelittlekittens08 I feel so desperately sad for you, your longing for the comfort of company is palpable. I understand why you're getting such a rough ride here, but your posts drag me back to those days of PND, which must be unimaginably magnified by current restrictions and I think, in your shoes, I would be looking for a way to make things easier too.

Heading to NZ for an extended break really might be the answer for you, but as you say your marriage is good and you want to remain in it, then of course anything you decide must be in agreement with your Husband. I would begin by explaining just how unhappy and isolated you are feeling, then let him know that your Mum has suggested you all visit and that you'd really like the 3 of you to consider going. Perhaps he can WFH (in NZ) for a few months, perhaps he could take a sabbatical, perhaps you could agree that you could cope without seeing one another for 6 weeks - you won't know until you discuss it with him.

Any loving Husband will want to support their Wife, particularly when they are going through such a difficult time. I am sure there will be a way to achieve what you need, whilst ensuring that he gets to retain the job he enjoys and so that you don't have to miss one another for longer than any of you can bear. There will be a happy solution in there somewhere, you will just need to approach the conversation openly and be willing to give and take a little - I know I would always do whatever it takes to keep my family happy and I'm sure your family feel the same (about each other - I doubt you're too fussed about the BigNose family!)

What if by then you are so happy there and got used to not missing your oh? What would motivate you to come back? In all likelihood, nothing. You oh will have to face the end of his marriage and a proper relationship with his child.

If this were the case, the relationship is ultimately doomed anyway. If you can easily spend 6 months away from your OH, you’re in the wrong relationship.

I don’t think 3 months is reasonable.
Why don’t you go for 4 weeks, and while you are there, make a concrete plan on how you are going to tackle this when you get back.

@Horehound

Other than seeing her husband every evening and weekend?I knew that was coming and specifically didn't me too it because it is not enough to see one person day in day out. And even then it's only a few hours in the evening where I imagine they still deal with the baby going down, make dinner then go to bed with exhaustion! Have you got a young baby right now? Do you have children? It's not good enough to say she should be fine with that situation. People react differently and cope better in different ways to you, you know?

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make. I was saying that if OP is struggling now, when she at least has daily contact with her husband and can at least get out and about and go to baby groups, even if she finds she is not making the friends she'd like - how will she cope with 2 weeks of managed isolation when she won't even have DH for support (and OP has said he is supportive).

I don't have a baby right now but I also had bad PND when my DS was born. Mine was so bad that I struggled to leave the house for weeks.

And I had no local support either. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that DH was going to come home at the end of the day and I could hand the baby over for at least a short period. I physically could not have coped with 2 weeks entirely on my own. Of course OP's situation is different and she may manage just fine, but she should consider it very carefully in advance.

OP I understand that you're lonely. My partner works away for months and at times I can get lost in my own thoughts. But please bare in mind that when a baby is as young as yours, they change sooooo much. My partner had no choice but to be away from our child as he needed to work and provide, and of course there was FaceTime, but every time he returned he would gasp at how big our daughter had got, and was in awe of her milestones....he missed (and still does) so much.

You DO have the choice to take this child away from your husband. Think about how much he will miss. Also bare in mind how lonely he might also become. Who will he turn to for support?? An empty house can become very very lonely.

Ultimately, what is reasonable or not depends on what your OH thinks and feels. If he really is only a bit bothered that you are away for 4 months, then it's not an issue.

If he however say that he'd be totally heartbroken and you insist, then you'd be unreasonable.

What I really don't get is how you can miss your parents so desperately but seem umbothered at the prospect of not seeing your OH for 6 months. Won't you miss him desperately?

I dint think you're being unreasonable, it sounds like a good idea, see what your husband says

I sympathise because I moved hundreds of miles away from my family last year to a place I still know absolutely no one except my husband, son and a couple of his school friend’s mums whom I only know to say hello to.

I understand the isolation, it’s not fun at all, it can be wretched and covid has made it worse. I desperately miss my family and home which is where I lived for 42 years.

BUT, I would never consider leaving my DH and going back home. Especially for months, actually I’d struggle for a week. Obviously my DS is much older, but your little one is growing so much that it would be cruel to take him away from his dad for that length of time. I’m sure your DH would be devastated. I know it’s tough for you, but I don’t think it’s right to go.

This could easily end your marriage.
The depression may continue. You may get stuck there. It takes time to make somewhere a home where ever you go.

That said sometimes it's worth the risk goodluck 💐

I would say go.

My BF's kids went to their mothers home country just before lockdown. He agreed to this as their outbreak was a lot smaller than ours, the place they would be staying is very rural, near the beach, lots of safe outdoor space and all in all a better thing for them than being cooped up in the area we live in.

They came back at the end of August so nearly 6 months they were away. He facetimed them every day. Of course he missed them but he understood that it was in their best interests to be there, they were with family who love them.

As long as you are clear that this is a temporary thing and commit to a return date, I think that now is a good time to go. You are obviously sruggling. The only thing that concerns me is whether you would want to come back at the end of the stay, BF's ex was trying to persuade him to let the kids stay in her home country permanently as she didnt want to come back, but he said no and she was forced to return. It damaged their co parenting relationship for a while as he was under pressure from her family too, all trying to get him to change his mind. It might damage your marriage if you try to get him to emigrate.

OP you sound so down and defeated.

I'm a fellow kiwi and our trip to NZ for Xmas has been cancelled. I'm painfully aware of my dad's advancing age and hate to think when we might next be able to go back. It must be so isolating for you and I think a lot of people don't understand how lonely it can be bring away from your family and those who know you best.

What area are you in? If you think a chat with a familiar accent might help, let me know and I'd be happy to have a chat on the phone

Kia kaha

@PyongyangKipperbang, I don't think your oh's situation is comparable.

For one, they are likely older and for two, he would already have been used not seeing them every day, maybe eow?

These two factors make a significant difference.

Can you even take a child out the country without other parents permission ?
But I would speak to your husband explain how unhappy you are , he may be ok with you going , he may not or he may have other ideas that could help
Either way its important for you to explain how you feel . Best of luck

@Threelittlekittens08 I feel for you as I can understand how lonely it must feel.

Like other posters I do not think its reasonable to take your son abroad for months. It is also a sticking plaster more than a longer term fix as theoretically covid19 may still be about in 4 months and so you may return to the same situation.

I would wonder if it were possible to:
Take a shorter break to NZ, for example 1.5 months, agreed with your husband to get back on your feet.

When you come back really dive in to making connections where you are and with people further away - regular videocall to friends and family plus attending as many baby classes as you can, attending a hobby class as you can, joining one of those sites to meet mum friends,meeting women your husband works with or partners of your husbands work friends. Work out what you can accomplish in your new area whether that's visiting places nearby, doing up the house etc

Practicing good self care - exercise, healthy food, sleep, mindfulness. Understanding things wont change immediately but that you are taking steps to improve things.

Above all be honest with your husband about how desperate you feel

If covid 19 travel rules change either in NZ or UK, your son could be separated from his father even longer than 6 months . If you don't get better in NZ, maybe you won't come back at all. Try to see that risk from your DH's POV.

This trip is going to seriously strain your marriage. You'll miss your husband, hurt him and your son, and feel guilty for depriving them of each other.

I should think the above stress can  only exacerbate your depression . loneliness and isolation .  So going there to improve your mental health may very likely  have the opposite effect.   Far from escaping depression and MH problems, you're just relocating them. 

 It IS possible to get help and  overcome depression, make a good life  in a new place,  find new friends and interests. Millions of young mothers have  been where you and come out the other side stronger. 

The answer isn't in NZ, it's in you; starting with the realisation that your family is right here with you. It's you, your husband and son.

No, he sees them every day and although they are older, they are only primary school age. There were days when them being away so long almost broke him, but it doesnt mean that it wasnt the right thing to do, and he knew that.

The point I was making was that he understood it was temporary and for the good of the kids, so ok'd it. In this case it would be temporary and for the good of the mothers mental health. Plenty of people have to work away for extended periods, and their OH's and kids cope just fine.

It would be cruel to deny someone who is suffering so much the chance to have some respite and support.

@timeforanewstart

Can you even take a child out the country without other parents permission ? But I would speak to your husband explain how unhappy you are , he may be ok with you going , he may not or he may have other ideas that could help Either way its important for you to explain how you feel . Best of luck

What are you talking about @timeforanewstart? Where has she said she'd take the baby without the consent of her husband? Stop making up rubbish.

@BonosSigh

OP you sound so down and defeated.

I'm a fellow kiwi and our trip to NZ for Xmas has been cancelled. I'm painfully aware of my dad's advancing age and hate to think when we might next be able to go back. It must be so isolating for you and I think a lot of people don't understand how lonely it can be bring away from your family and those who know you best.

What area are you in? If you think a chat with a familiar accent might help, let me know and I'd be happy to have a chat on the phone

Kia kaha

OP, @bonossigh sounds lovely. Try to make contact with her. Or him, apologies!

A fellow expat might be able to understand your situation better than us (me) who haven't the same experiences.

A friendly ear might do you the world of good.

I know some of the replies on this thread have been harsh. But I'm sure they are meant with the best intentions. Unfortunately it's hard to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and fully understand what they're going through. But honestly, everyone one this thread must be feeling huge sympathy for you. There's an Age UK stat that I can't quite recall, but basically says that loneliness has the same negative health impact as 10 cigarettes a day.

Best wishes

@Horehound i never said the OP was but people are saying you can't consider it even etc , i was unsure if allowed if her dh isn't onboard

This is the Loneliness study I referred to

Loneliness and social isolation can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, researchers warned in a recent webcast, and the problem is particularly acute among seniors, especially during holidays.17 Jan 2019
www.hrsa.gov › enews › january-17
The "Loneliness Epidemic" | Official web site of the U.S. Health Resources & Services Administration

Ah I see, I get you. apologies!

I see the question asked but I have yet to see any Posters saying its ok answer.
a) How many of you would allow your DH move to another country with your DC for 4-6 months ( and the real chance they would never return).

Also as a secondary thought , if the facetiming is enough, why not advise the OP go on her own and recuperate and leave the DC with her DH??

I think you should go if your husband supports the decision. I would have gone mad stuck at home with a baby for 9 months without social interaction and a job to go back to. Go now and come back in March or so when the weather might improve here, your baby will be older/walking so easier to go to parks etc and you can also try and get a job to give you some focus.
If you stay, I would advise you find any job you can just to get you out the house and meeting people and just go to any baby groups that are open. Good luck!