To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

Other than seeing her husband every evening and weekend?I knew that was coming and specifically didn't me too it because it is not enough to see one person day in day out. And even then it's only a few hours in the evening where I imagine they still deal with the baby going down, make dinner then go to bed with exhaustion! Have you got a young baby right now? Do you have children? It's not good enough to say she should be fine with that situation. People react differently and cope better in different ways to you, you know?

I actually made an account to write this post. I’ve only read the first page of comments and don’t know if more information has been added, but I think going away with a small baby is very unfair to your husband. How would you feel in reversed roles? At this stage babies change so quickly, for my husband it was difficult to go away for a week and not see the baby.

Practical suggestion - join your local Facebook mums group or create one if there isn’t one. You can organize walks with other mums or have your own little play dates at home.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@LakieLady

Far better to address your MH issues. When are you next due for a medication review? I'd be minded to ask for a dosage change or possibly even different meds.
Are you still having counselling, and if that has ended, I'd suggest seeking more.

Be frank with your doctor and see what he/she suggests

I really don’t think my mental health is the only issue here.
Taking more medication isn’t going to solve my current situation.[/quote]
I agree with you that medication isn’t the answer there.

However, I think that you need some plan about what to do when you come back. You’ll have had several weeks with your parents, you’ll hopefully feel better and stronger.
And then who’ll happen when you come back?

In 2~3 months time, we will still have all the restrictions in place. Your DH will still be working. And you will still be in your own with baby.
The trip will give you some breathing space and will allow you to be stronger to deal with it all.
But will it be enough? What else will you be able to do then? If you come back and do the same thing than now, I would be worried that you’ll end up in the same place iyswim.

Having been in the same situation than you, I can totally see how going away will be that breath of fresh air you desperately need. But I’ve also learnt that this is not enough and other things will need to change. Which means that YOU will need to change what you do too. And see how your DH might also be able to enable you to do those changes.

OP, go.
Posters are saying it's cruel to take your baby away, but how much time does your dh actually spend with the baby?
If your mh deteriorates to the point where you are incarcerated, your baby will possibly be taken in with you or will have to be without you.
You need to be cared for, looked after, to be with people. You aren't getting that in the UK.
Many people from Australia/NZ living in the UK make their visits home three to four months. That's not unusual.

Go to the people who will look after you.

Here here -hailtomyteeth

Oh yes @RedskyAtnight o see you do have children but since this was posted in 2013 and sound alike they were already at school they just be at least 12 so maybe you've forgotten how hard it is with a baby. Bit here you are in 2013 admitting you yourself wouldn't like to be alone by yourself all day. So then just imagine what it's like In a new place with no friends,no family, nowhere to go, no work....

Ignore all the nasty, judgemental responses OP. Your mental health matters! If you have a breakdown then how will your DH cope? I've had friends be hospitalised with depression, and one who took her own life, feeling her family was better off without her. Her baby was just a few months old. Isolation can be crippling and yet other mothers on here are telling you to shut up and put up - how supportive!

Would you give us an idea of where you are OP? Others may know of groups, schemes etc that might be running. I'm probably more your mother's age, but if you are in Worcestershire I'd happily meet you for a walk and a chat.

As someone who lives on the other side of the country from their family and hasn’t been home due to covid all year I have to reiterate what previous posters have said your husband is your family your home where you live with your child is home

Rather than you leaving your husband and taking your child for a number of months is your mum retired could she not come and offer you some support for 4 to 6 weeks here?

Also groups might not be ideal at the moment with a lack of mixing and face masks but it’s still better than nothing have you stuck with it enough

Also are there any local parenting groups on Facebook there must be other mothers feeling exactly the same as you is there no way to try and start a local network yourself rather than looking for organised groups

Do you have easily available the cost of a return ticket plus the cost of quarantine? Plus the cost of applying for citizenship and a passport for the baby.

Plus potential health care costs if either of you became seriously ill or had an accident?

I really sympathise with you! I personally think 6 months is too long. I am from Canada and I also had a baby just before lockdown, it was and still is very hard. I took my baby and my toddler to Canada for 4 weeks over the summer to see my family and it helped me massively mentally. We had to quarantine for 2 weeks and then for the other 2 we had a wonderful time. I would go for 4-6 weeks.

By the end of the 4 weeks I really missed my husband and I was happy to be home.

@emilyfrost

YABVU and very selfish. You absolutely can’t take your son away from his father for 4-6 months and the fact you’re even considering it is horrific.

You’re using covid as an excuse; you’re saying in your OP you can’t possibly make friends at the local mum group because you had to wear masks ffs.

You’re lonely. Okay, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, so is everyone else.

But to take a child away from his father for so long? It shouldn’t even be a consideration. You can’t say you love him if you’re even thinking about it.

“Selfish”, “horrific”, “Covid as an excuse”, “you’re no more lonely than anyone else”, “you can’t love your husband”

WTF? Your mum lives next door and you’ve never left your home town I assume? I’m making assumptions about you @emilyfrost but they are not such big leaps as you’re making about the OP. She’s simply trying to find a solution to the way she’s feeling in challenging circumstances. She hasn’t bought the air ticket and packed her bags. Why not be a bit less judgemental and a bit more understanding? Perhaps read up on PND and depression; clue: it isn’t “being selfish” or “making excuses”.

On the "but your mental health" folk - I really don't think a holiday to see family will fix a serious mental health issue. The causes need to be fixed long term - running away for a few months won't do that. Building a local network, getting a job, getting some regular and sustainable childcare, all of that might actually help.

Going away might make her feel better for a few months but it would make it even worse coming back. And, on top of that, the damage to her child's relationship with its father and her marriage.

@Threelittlekittens08: sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it sounds like a very difficult situation

I really don’t think it matters what people on Mumsnet say: it’s a decision for you and your husband, only the 2 of you, amid your family can decide

I can see where you are coming from: you might be happier having a stay in NZ, I can definitely see why your mum is keen too

I’ve been v lonely at times WFH and so spent the odd week visiting family: I believe it stopped me slipping into a depression that was starting over the summer

I also have a friend who took her twins to Oz for part of her mat leave (3-4 months, dad visited at Xmas, which isn’t so likely in your case): reasons were to support her mum through a difficult time and have help/company: her husband understood despite missing the kids and it hasn’t impacted their relationships

My own mum had to take a baby sibling to her home country for around 3 months as baby was only 10-12 weeks old due to family bereavement: we were fine, didn’t impact parents marriage or bonding between my dad and our younger sibling

Just explain to your husband how you feel, and ask him if he has any ideas,... he may even suggest this himself. If not, listen to his ideas, put this one forward, explain that it’s a bit rubbish (as he will mix you/ tough for him to visit) & ask him what he thinks/if he has any other ideas

My other ideas I suppose are a simple week away, or perhaps staying near his family?

There will be pros and cons of whatever you decide, and it should be a joint decision

I don’t think you are wrong and selfish: you are struggling and being alone is tough. In past women had their mums/sisters/neighbours around to help and provide company. The idea that it should be just the couple is a rather recent one

Posters are saying it's cruel to take your baby away, but how much time does your dh actually spend with the baby?

Assuming a working day plus travel of 9 hours, he is likely to spend 83 hours a week at home with the baby, plus holiday time and bank holidays. If he has been doing any working from home, obviously he will be spending a lot longer with him. Hardly insignificant.

Again, I don't think we would find this an attractive argument if it was the mother who was the main breadwinner.

Op, I really feel for you.

Could your husband ask to work from home for a while?

Regardless of the Covid restrictions, there are exemptions for both those who need care and for grandparents to care for grandchildren, so moving your in-laws in would not be breaking any rules.

It won't be the same as having your mum there but it might be a good substitute. I think if you could have a frank chat with DH and try it with his parents first that would be a good idea.

In theory, I don't see anything wrong with you going back to NZ for a short period. My DH would not have assumed I was 'running away' and taking his son with me, he would have seen it for what it was - a need for your mum and some normality in a stressful period.

If you still feel the same after your in laws have been to stay and your DH is agreeable go to NZ for a couple of months. You will have to adhere to the quarantine restrictions though which will be costly and hard.

Failing all that, rent out your house, ask your husband to apply for a sabatical on medical grounds from his job and all go to NZ.

Life is short and being lonely, miserable and medicated is not the way to live.

Good luck OP, good marriages do survive necessary separations if both parties are reasonable people.

I’m a Kiwi living in the UK, married to a Brit and we have young DC. To take your DC to the other side of the world for 4-6 months, and in these Covid times have a very real possibility of having difficulty getting return flights, is unacceptable. How would you feel if your DH proposed this to you if the situation was reversed, and you were told FaceTime and a few daily photos on WhatApp was enough to satisfy you as a parent of a young baby? I could not, and would not, ever propose this to my DC’s father. Your child was born here and this is his home, unless you emigrate as a family. This is the price you pay when you have DC with someone from another country to where your family are. Harsh, but true.

If the medication and counselling are not helping then you must return to your GP and seek further help.

I have had depression, utterly despairing depression, but only you can help yourself and you need to do that by enlisting support from your GP, DH, and a counsellor.
-Seek out other baby groups and remember that it takes time to build relationships with other parents. Consider paid groups as well as the free or donation ones.

• consider baby swimming sessions

-Consider part-time work -Consider hiring a childminder even if you don’t go back to work, just for a break

• See if your DH can wfh one day a week
• When your DH is home arrange to do things together as a family, of course not always easy depending on the restrictions in your area
• Depending on the distance can you arrange a SD visit with friends in your old area?
• Go for a daily walk, do an exercise DVD or YouTube clip for something you might enjoy like Zumba, yoga, aerobics etc. Exercise is proven to help with recovering from depression (it has massively helped me).
• FaceTime regularly with your family and in-laws

Escaping to the other side of the world, and in doing so separating father and child for such a long time is just awful. You need to face your situation here, because if you don’t what do you expect it be like when you come back? Talk to your DH.

OP does your child have NZ citizenship?

I do understand that you're very lonely. It's a terrible situation we're in, and for you more so being in a new place with a new baby. However, personally, I think it is being very unfair to your DH to take the child away for an extended trip. Maybe 1-2 months would be understandable. But not 6 months, for example. Even if you went for 1-2 months, if I were your DH I would be very worried about you changing your mind and staying longer, maybe forever.

I'd really suggest you try to make things work in the UK. Many of us with all our family abroad are suffering from not seeing them, but that is for the best right now. Can you keep trying the baby groups? Those singing/sensory classes for babies? Local parent/family Facebook groups? Etc. I don't see how wearing masks makes these groups not worth going to. I'm sure your baby would enjoy them, anyway, and it gets you out of the house. I would keep trying OP, I've met lovely people through our local groups.

Maybe try to keep more in contact with the friends from the area you moved from? Is there any way your DH can adjust his work/hours so that he is around more?

Your baby is 9 months old now - are you planning to return to work in the near future? That might help. Good luck OP.

I think you also need to consider what would happen if for some reason travel from NK to the UK wasn't possible after 3/4/6 months?
Also, will you really be able to face coming home after 3 months when you know what awaits you compared to staying with your family in NZ. I think there is a big risk that if you go you won't come back (especially given your mental health) and you need to consider that in your discussions with your husband.

Will you even be allowed in? And 4 to 6 months is to long and very selfish as you expect your husband not to see his child for that long? How would you feel if roles were reversed

I appreciate it’s difficult at the moment, but lots are in the same boat and just gritting teeth and getting n with it

Horehound

OMG you dug into 2013 to find someone's comments from 7 years ago... how creepy are you

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@EasterIssland

What’s your plan when you come back in 3-6 months time ? You’d still feel lonely and let’s face it... covid will still be here and do some of the restrictions.

Yes you’re right. I might still feel lonely, but perhaps after a break, some support, company and a bit of normality, I may just be be in a much better frame of mind to deal with it head on.[/quote]
Or you may decide that, after all the support and company etc, you don't want to come back to the life that was so awful you had to run from in the 1st place.

Perhaps your husbands job isn't really working for your family and he needs to consider looking for a different job?

What matters here, apart from how OP feels about such a possibility, is how her DH feels about such a possibility. They sound fairly on to it, intelligent people, so I'm sure they could have a good discussion where they weigh up the pros and cons, think through all the possible scenarios, as far as is possible in these batshit crazy times, think about how to mitigate potential negative consequences, and look at the budget, the trip (OP, you're a braver woman than me, I quail at the thought of doing that trip alone, babe in arms!), and other expenses, including quarantine.

He might think it's time for OP to be given some primary consideration, after all she's done to promote and further his interests. He may not.

It is a big ask of him, in terms of trust, in terms of missing his child and wife, and doing for himself. He may be amenable so long as they're all together for Christmas.

Who knows?!

@BlueThistles

Horehound

OMG you dug into 2013 to find someone's comments from 7 years ago... how creepy are you

No,not dug and that's what the search facility is for ;) I searched the name and actually happened to be the first one I clicked on. But that's by the bym the point is people seem to forget how hard it it having a new baby then lump on top of the fact being isolated and with no support. Maybe it's better to be kind and offer support than make the OP feel worse for daring to think maybe she'd be better off getting support from her family. And having not even spoken to her husband yet, it's bizarre how awful people can be to a stranger on the internet who is struggling. Now that is creepy.

I don't think it's unreasonable to go and visit your family with your new baby, who they haven't met. As they live so far away and you'll have to quarantine for the first two weeks, it's not unreasonable for you to consider going for a couple of months, although 4-6 is too long IMO to take your DS away from his dad. What is the situation with flying to NZ? I've heard that if you want to fly to Australia it's almost impossible unless you buy a business class ticket, because they have entry restrictions that only allow a small number of citizens to return each day. Is NZ like that, or is it relatively easy for citizens to travel there?

But please just talk to your DH. Is he aware how lonely and isolated you are? Have you been assessed for PND?