To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

As you've probably noticed, a lot of people on "Mum"snet are here with a specific agenda. Just filter them out.

And your DH is likely to be less hysterical than some of these responders...

@unlikelytobe

My whole family is in NZ.

No, you have family here - your DH, DC and if you feel that way, in-laws. I understand your parents are in NZ (are they Kiwis or Brits who have lived in NZ and the UK?) but you have lived in the UK for about 25 years so NZ is not 'home' so much as where your parents live now and where you have an emotional attachment to. You want the support and comfort of your parents and you want them to meet your son which is understandable.

As others have said, I think you should work on improving the situation in the UK, getting support, meeting people, a job or group then plan for baby's first Xmas. Maybe the thought of a trip in Jan/Feb to NZ will keep you going and be a more reasonable proposition to put to your DH.

@unlikelytobe

Both of my parents were born in NZ.

My grandfather on my mothers side was British.

I have very distant relatives in the UK.
My granddads siblings were here, their children are here.

I’ve met them a few times but we’re not in contact.

So yes, my family are in NZ. That’s not to say my family aren’t in the UK too as my husband and my son are most definitely my family.

But a previous poster suggested NZ isn’t home just because 3 members of my family are there (mum dad sister) but it’s not just 3.
All of my immediate family are there.

To be honest I think 3 months is perfectly fine. It will fly by.
I'm sure your husband wants you to be happy and well and be the best mother to your child.
I don't see a harm in saying you've been thinking about it and feel like you'd really benefit from it. I'm assuming your husband loves and cares for you and isn't some domineering brute who is unnaproachable!
I sometimes find Mumsnet very close minded in some respect. Like oh no you could never ever leave your husband for a short while... Pffff of course you can.

OP I am amazed at some of these replies. I think it's partly because of your title. If you had said "AIBU to take my baby on an extended holiday to meet his grandparents" you might have had a gentler reception.

You need to chat to your dh. None of us know what sort of relationship you have, but I know that mine would have encouraged me to go. He loves his kids, but the early months can be so soul destroying if you are away from all family and friends. He would have rather we had a lovely break, socialising, getting support from family, than battled on through another English winter. After all, he's got us for the next 20 years at home.

Suggesting going to stay with your parents is not outrageous, just be flexible on the time you suggest going for. He might prefer 2 or 3 months, he might hate the idea totally, or love it! If so you might want negotiate for 4 months, then you aren't flying back in February.)

Best of luck

There are lots of solutions that don’t involve taking a baby across a border that might close at any moment.

They could hire childcare a few times a week to give OP a break.

He could look into reducing his hours.

She could look into returning to paid work.

Op could look on local groups online for mother’s in similar circumstances. Perhaps find someone to meet up with regularly.

Op can and should see her doctor for help. Even in the best of times, pnd is a very real issue that warrants assistance.

And o also think some people's comments on this thread just show what a total lack of understanding people have over others mental health.
I can relate to how you feel, op. It can be very hard anyway with a new baby and hormones all over the place and then add into the mix all these restrictions and then on top of that not knowing anyone locally etc so jeez...you're really in a hard situation, I feel for you.

@Notverygrownup

OP I am amazed at some of these replies. I think it's partly because of your title. If you had said "AIBU to take my baby on an extended holiday to meet his grandparents" you might have had a gentler reception.

I agree. I haven’t worded it very well.

I think it would be incredibly selfish, OP, even to go for 3 months.

And there's no guarantee that anything will be significantly different in 3 or even 6 months time. All the things that are affecting your MH now could still be the same when you come back.

Far better to address your MH issues. When are you next due for a medication review? I'd be minded to ask for a dosage change or possibly even different meds. Are you still having counselling, and if that has ended, I'd suggest seeking more.

Be frank with your doctor and see what he/she suggests.

For those saying that talk about lawyers is ridiculous:
OP is currently very unhappy in the UK
She's considering moving with her infant DC for an extended break to a country where she has cultural ties, lots of family and where there is (essentially) no Covid, in general a much easier life
NZ has very strong child custody laws. If OP decides to stay there then there will be absolutely nothing her DH can do about it.

Given the above, surely there's a relatively good chance OP may decide NZ is a better bet than UK once she's there and settled.

Her DH would be completely foolish not to get legal advice before he signs off on the trip.

Thinking about it, the Kiwi couple who had their first child while over here, she did go back for about 2-3 months, just her and LO. However, she was extremely lucky that they managed to squeak back before Covid really turned everything upside down - like literally the weekend before lockdown.

Her DH was understanding just how hard she was finding it with no-one around, and at home all the time on her own (in an apartment too) with the baby. There have been no problems with the baby not knowing Dad, or bonding issues, both are hands on parents, and baby is totally happy with both parents, and adores his Dad.

You know your husband, and your relationship. Talk with him about it, if you are seriously contemplating it - and before you talk with your Mum about it again!

I think it would be incredibly selfish, OP, even to go for 3 months.

Bollocks. It's not selfish at all. And bear in mind she's just relocated for her husband. You know healthy relationships do allow give and take.
She probably doesn't need anti depressants, she needs some face to face nurturing from her family. Jesus Christ.

In your situation, OP, I'd seriously consider going to NZ. I cannot imagine how desperately lonely you feel.
Talk to your DH. Good luck

OP, several people have made the point that travelling to New Zealand at the moment requires a mandatory 2 week isolation in a managed facility. Everything else aside, how will you cope with a 24 hour flight followed by 2 weeks in a strange place where you are entirely alone with a baby??

What’s your plan when you come back in 3-6 months time ? You’d still feel lonely and let’s face it... covid will still be here and do some of the restrictions.

I have all my family away. I had some of my husbands support when I gave birth but not mine. No way would my husband have approved for me to take 4-6 months away with my son specially with the current situation when you don’t know whether he’ll be able to go or you’ll be able to come back. Can’t your family come here instead of you there ?

I think you have to work more on getting better in the uk rather than running away from the problem. I’ve also had depression and suffer from anxiety. They don’t disappear by going away somewhere else but working on them.

@LakieLady

Far better to address your MH issues. When are you next due for a medication review? I'd be minded to ask for a dosage change or possibly even different meds.
Are you still having counselling, and if that has ended, I'd suggest seeking more.

Be frank with your doctor and see what he/she suggests

I really don’t think my mental health is the only issue here.
Taking more medication isn’t going to solve my current situation.

followed by 2 weeks in a strange place where you are entirely alone with a baby??

she's doing that right now...

I do think 3 months seems much more reasonable, maybe even 2 months

But what if you have to spend two weeks of that in quarantine, or even more if you or the baby show symptoms?

Do you have easily available the cost of a return ticket plus the cost of quarantine? Plus the cost of applying for citizenship and a passport for the baby.

NZ is also a signatory to the Hague Convention, and is extremely fierce about the interests of the child being paramount - the child was born in the UK, and his father is in the UK. Also, the fact that it was to be a short-term visit and was agreed to on that basis would be a very strong consideration.

That is, if OP was (and there's no reason to assume it from anything she's said so far), the kind of person who would callously use deception to permanently deprive her husband and her child of a meaningful relationship with one another, rather than wanting to do what she has stated, which is have a short trip home with her child to be with her Mum and extended family for a bit.

What a horrible situation to be in, but you are considering taking your husband's son away from him for months. He'll miss so many firsts through no fault of his own. That would build resentment in me. Perhaps your husband is a better person than me because I would feel robbed at missing out on my child.

You really need to talk to him, he might be fine with it all and then all these post are pointless. But then on the other hand it could be a marriage breaker.

Can you seek more help for your depression? Are there any online clubs you can attend? I'm doing a uni course and it's all been moved online. I am alone all day and it's horribly lonely but I have a zoom catch up on Wednesday just to talk to people. Can you video call any of your friends from before you moved? Have a search online as there are many mum's in your position and there must be some way you can all connect? I know it's not the same but it would be some contact.

Wishing you the best OP.

Have you persevered with the mother and baby class despite it not being "the ideal setting" to meet people?

Have you started looking for a job? You might well find that having something different to look forward to helps you.

@Horehound

followed by 2 weeks in a strange place where you are entirely alone with a baby??

she's doing that right now...

Other than seeing her husband every evening and weekend?

@EasterIssland

What’s your plan when you come back in 3-6 months time ? You’d still feel lonely and let’s face it... covid will still be here and do some of the restrictions.

Yes you’re right. I might still feel lonely, but perhaps after a break, some support, company and a bit of normality, I may just be be in a much better frame of mind to deal with it head on.

She's depressed because she's in new place with no friends ,no help and a new baby.
She doesn't need to medicate herself, her situation just needs to change.
Deal with the cause not the symptoms.

I think 3 months isn’t unreasonable and definitely worth a discussion with my husband.

Okay. Can you afford the isolation costs? The NZ website says it's $3,000+ dollars per adult. Your son wouldn't need to pay as he's under three but that's still a lot of money.

www.miq.govt.nz/being-in-managed-isolation/charges-for-managed-isolation/

And even if you can afford that, what happens if things change again? What if NZ goes into lockdown while you're there and you can't leave?Or what if the UK goes into lockdown and you can't fly back?

It may not be "just three months". You could be stuck there indefinitely as a result of various restrictions, lockdowns and quarantines that may be in place over the UK winter.

You really need to think about the potential "worst case scenario" here. You could be stuck abroad indefinitely.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I don’t know why some people are being horrible about it

@JemimaTiggywinkle because people are unimaginative and can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They probably haven’t experienced living in another country or on the other side of the world from loved ones. Perhaps they have family living an hour down the road or had a baby when they could properly mix with other new parents. The OP is thinking about what might help her and it would be nice if people could present their perfectly valid point about her husband’s feelings in a gentler way. I can’t see why a shorter trip of about six weeks won’t be helpful if the OP is struggling. I’d certainly accommodate that for my partner in that situation but I do agree that months away would be too long for everyone. The OP’s DH is clearly supportive and aware and I’m sure they could negotiate a length of time that he is comfortable with and some ground rules about it. Going to NZ might just recalibrate the OP’s mood and allow her to make all the changes back home to start to feel better. But I think berating @Threelittlekittens08
and calling her selfish just demonstrates a lack of empathy for what is a very challenging set of circumstances.